Fed up and don't know what to do
I can't deal with the oldest SS (34) anymore! He hasn't wanted me around since I met his dad. He did everything he could to treat me as bad as he could. For years, DH allowed it for fear SS would not allow DH to see the grandkids. I had to put my foot down HARD before DH had to do something. It was whimpy but at least I get grunts now.
Now SS has decided to go after my BS. Can't get rid of me directly so he is going to try the indirect route. Problem, my DH is agreeing! BS made a mistake and said something wrong. The comment was about CHIPS AND SALSA! I admit that one. He appologized to everyone. No one on DH's side will forgive him. The poor kid is doomed! Now, remember, I had to take SS crap for years and was expected to suck it up and forgive. I NEVER received any apology EVER for the treatment I received. Yeah, the treatment improved after I put my foot down (grunts of acknowedgement from the turn the back). SS will only acknowledge me if I'm doing something for his kids. And all I get is a HI. NOTHING MORE. BS was expected to apologize and they still won't be nice to him. Now my DH is giving BS the same treatment. HI and nothing more. DH always blamed SS mom for the way SS behaved. Now, I see the apple didn't fall too far from DH tree!
What am I to do when it's clear to me there are 2 different expectations on how to behave. One for me and my kids and one for him and his kids? The only time we fight is when it comes to SS and how he acts. We never fight about anything else. Now add my BS to the fight because of a comment about chips and salsa! Really??
Oh no. I commend you for
Oh no. I commend you for hanging in there...you are stronger than I would be. I am glad you have put your foot down...keep holding your ground, it sounds important to you and the more stern you are I think the better. Backing off would do nothing and it sounds like you have gotten to the point where you are not taking anyone's crap anymore...good for you. And everyone has their limit...this could be yours.
I don't have any of my own children but I totally understand about the fighting. My bf and I only ever fight about his kids and their behavior. I happen to disagree with the ways in which certain situations are handled and when I speak up about it often he gets very defensive. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that he thinks I question his parenting. It's not about that to me. I don't have my own kids and I'm not judging, but I am on the outside seeing their behavior and how it appears to others so I think I have an advantage from that angle. If ever we have an argument about acutal relationship stuff, I am almost RELIEVED! I don't mind because it makes me feel like we have a normal relaitonship! So strange I know...
yup, there are definitely 2
yup, there are definitely 2 sets of rules from DH's perspective. His can do as they please, have no respect for themselves or anyone else, and just take, take, take. They can be rude to everyone, and it's OK.
But, the world will end if my grown child walks into the house and doesn't yell "hello" to him when he's upstairs. I make sure that my child and her husband and all of their grown friends treat DH with the utmost respect because that's the way I raised her and I made sure she chose her friends with the same values. If she doesn't yell "hello" to the other end of the world upon her arrival, DH gets into a funk and does that whole "she doesn't like me" thing.
Prior to disengagement, DH didn't even notice when his kids were rude, disrespectful, and just nasty towards me or anyone else.
You all have it completely
You all have it completely pegged! DH puts his head in the sand when it comes to SS behavior. I'm hoping I am strong enough to do this. AND I'm hoping I have some good results. It's just so hard to imagine good results when DH is so clueless about how the SKIDS are behaving to me and my son.
The test will be this weekend. We are racing with SS and his kids. I hope I can keep myself in check. Just hope my blood pressure stays in control since I won't be able to let off steam!
DH will also be surprised when my checkbook doesn't go with us. It's his family event, he and his family can pay for everything!
It has gotten pretty bad in the last month. Do you think it has anything to do with the fact my BS is having his first baby? I know I financially support most things and now I will be spending $$ on getting back to see my first bio grandchild.