Resentments & Forgiveness
I attend a weekly Al-Anon meeting. Last night I led our meeting and the topic I chose to discuss was Detachment which I think can go hand in hand with Disengagement. Al-Anon has been a great tool for me, not just dealing with my son's addiciton (he is now 9 months clean, praise God) but also all the other baggage I've carried my entire life. In being a SM I've harbored such ill feelings, anger, resentment and bitterness which all is just poisoning no one other than myself.
I wanted to share one of the readings from last night. I hope it speaks to others as it did me in the dim light of being a SM.
Resentments & Forgiveness ❤
The most loving form of detachment I have found has been forgiveness. Instead of thinking of it as an eraser to wipe another's slate clean or a gavel that I pound to pronounce someone is not guilty, I think of forgiveness as scissors. I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind me to a problem or a past hurt. By releasing resentment, I set myself free.
When I am consumed with negativity over another persons behavior, I have lost my focus. I needn't tolerate what I consider unacceptable, but wallowing in negativity will not alter the situation. If there is action to take, I am free to take it. Where I am powerless to change the situation, I will turn it over to my Higher Power. By truly letting go, I detach and forgive.
When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me. I am willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then I can let them go.
Today's Reminder:
Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone's neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead.
A part of me wants to cling to old resentments, but I know that the more I forgive, the better my life works.
I try this every day. When I
I try this every day. When I read it, it feels nice and hopeful and "free-ing".
But then I think of how I try to rise above things and be rather like this every day, and how it just doesn't seem possible.
When I walk into the kitchen, and SK1 (20) has left all his mess for the magic StepMaid to clear up. Every single day, no matter how many times he is told. Which I won't. So my SO does, making the problem worse, and then I resent him too.
When I watch the SKs look around when they think nobody is looking, and silently shut the dishwasher door to pretend they didn't realise it needed emptying. Then watch my partner ask SK1 and SK2 (16) to occasionally empty it, and they sigh and moan. And I watch as they walks slowly to it, engage my SO in conversation which they know means he will join in helping them unload it, and they pick out one dish at a time, walk to the other side of the kitchen, saunter back, stop and talk, and if they're unlucky, they might have to pick up two dishes in all the time that my SO has emptied it.
Ditto all the way up to the rudest, horriblest, most uncaring, selfish behaviour imaginable in two snowflakes.
Genuinely, I ask how to forgive so much, so often, that's so deliberate, cunning and damaging?
I know, it's hard. In no way
I know, it's hard. In no way am I offering this as the magic pill. It's one of those things that speaks to you in that moment and then the awful reality of being a SM punches you in the gut once again.
Both my ungrateful rude SD's are no longer in my home, thank goodness. Such a sense of freedom however I know they are still lurking in the background and will be until the day I die. That's where I struggle finding my peace.
It gets a tiny bit better once they leave your home for good but there are always new problems that seem to arise.
A LOT better
It's been SO much better for me since SS left. A huge upgrade in my home: no more lies, illegsl drugs, filth, mistrust.....
When I am consumed with
When I am consumed with negativity over another persons behavior, I have lost my focus.
This is so true^^^
Some resentments are hard to let go because we have been hurt so bad...and are maybe still hurting. How do you let go of something that still affects you?
This is a positive side
This is a positive side effect from totally removing SS and his GF from my life. They no longer can inflict any bad things on me for me to resent. I honestly do not care if they are soaring in life and all is peaches and cream. I don’t wish them ill.
I just don’t ever want to see or hear from them again. I don’t fantasize about apologizes or remorse on their part. It’s so freeing.
I can honestly say I don't
I can honestly say I don't care if I ever set eyes on SD's again. I know that will never be the case but I can remove myself if the situation presents itself to be removed. Detaching is such freedom!
Detaching and letting go of
Detaching and letting go of resentments is healthy and good.
Forgiveness is overrated.
My thoughts on forgiveness is
My thoughts on forgiveness is this. It isn't about the other person, it's about setting myself free from the chains of bitterness and anger. When I forgive others it's more about giving a gift to myself. It's hard, I'm not discounting that.
People who don't ask for
People who don't ask for forgiveness don't deserve it, IMO. But you can let go of caring about them or letting them affect you. You can begin to understand WHY they do what they do and not take it personally, but forgiveness? Nope. You can set yourself free without forgiving.
Remember your SO is guilty
it’s his kids and he knows he failed to make them into useful adults. You have no guilt, you did not make them. They had a BM and BF. You are not either, thus have no guilt. Also you really don’t have to forgive. They will not make your life better. They will not give you emotionally happiness. They are nothing to you.
I seriously needed to see
I seriously needed to see this.
Thank you sooo much for sharing!