Forgiveness - The other F Word
Forums:
I posted this response on another thread but thought I would post it separately.
Hard as I have tried I CANNOT forgive my SD's. They repeat the bad behaviour and do not even think they ever do anything wrong.
I have allowed myself to NOT forgive and NOT feel guilty about it. Many people think forgiveness is the end - but often it is another form of vicimizing and making the victim feel bad for not being able to forgive.
Forgiveness - The other F Word.
I read from the link below and found it very enlightening. I have trouble forgiving those who do not ask for it and who repeat the behaviors that I am supposed to be forgiving.
Your last sentence sums up my
Your last sentence sums up my thoughts on the required forgiveness crap.
I am so glad you posted this.
I am so glad you posted this. I hate that it is often assumed that you have to forgive in order to move on and "heal." Some people need to forgive, others do not. You can end up feeling bad because you can't forgive - which defeats the whole purpose of the forgiving.
My ex left me for another woman 20 years ago. I have still not forgiven him - although I no longer hate him. I now understand why he did it and what my part was in the relationship that caused him to make that choice. However, he could have handled the situation in a much better matter.
I rarely think about him and have definitely moved on. I used to say I wouldn't care if he got hit by a bus. Now I would probably yell out a warning.
**Edited to add that I also agree with Fruit. I don't care anymore, but I also haven't forgotten.
20Years, thanks for posting
20Years, thanks for posting this great website! There is a LOT of good info on there which may be beneficial to others.
I am also not an advocate of "forgiving" psychopathic a$$holes who have absolutely no remorse for their actions. These types of people only offer pseudo-apologies and then go right out and continue their behaviors.
I have this situation in my workplace. We have an absolute boss from hell - a guy with no redeeming qualities and an absolute nasty, vindictive streak in him. On top of it, he absolutely hates women and takes pleasure in finding ways to humiliate, discriminate and minimize female employees. Even though he's been nailed on EEO charges he continues to get away with it, because he "smiles" at all the right people up high. None of us can even believe he's still around, since the organization got hit from the EEOC on what he's done.
I hope the bastard spontaneously combusts in front of me someday - so I can walk by without doing so much as wasting my spit on him. Forgiveness? Like hell.
I agree with you 100% also.
I agree with you 100% also. But I found everyone seems to have a different definition of what 'forgiveness' is. In my opinion forgiveness comes when a person is truly remorseful for what they have done. In many cases though, people will justify what they did. An example would be how my SD treated me like dog doo because I made her feel uncomfortable even though she could not site one incident. She never showed any remorse for what she did. There was no need to forgive her. I just got on with my life and didn't bother with forgiveness.
^^^yes! To all the comments
^^^yes! To all the comments above. Forgiveness is for the birds if the wrong-doer shows no remorse.
Without a REAL apology and a change in behavior, I feel justified and empowered when I ignore/delete/mind-kill people who have maliciously harmed me.
Just saw this yesterday: http://imgur.com/TDpAT6R
My definition of forgiveness
My definition of forgiveness is of letting go. Letting go of all the negativity that that person brought into my life. Letting go of the hate and energy that I put into thoughts and actions that keep the dynamic going. Why should I waste my precious life energy on them? Why do they get to rent space in my head? Often times it's letting go of the person and relationship too.
I've had to shrink my family and friend circle significantly in the last few years. I still have to associate with the ss's once in a while but it's a very distant polite acquaintance type of relationship...from my end. It's really hard for someone to fight with you if you don't participate and don't give 2 fuqs about what they think.
"Forgiveness doesn't seem
"Forgiveness doesn't seem like the right word to me." The term, "Letting go" is more comfortable for me too. In the last few years I've learned to 'let go' of people who pump toxicity into my life. It gives me much more of a sense of peace than to forgive them when they don't want forgiveness from me. I forgave myself for wasting so many years of trying to get SD to like me or DH to support me. THAT was when 'forgiveness' really came into play and helped. I could then move on and focus on the goal of a happier life for me.
The word "forgiveness" has
The word "forgiveness" has changed meaning over the years for me as well.
I have been around so many people with mental issues, that I've come to believe that a lot of how we behave comes from genetics and bilology. I have lived with Tourrettes, Asperger's, ADHD, Schozophrenia, Manic Depression, and Dementia. Throw in two people with Narcisisstic Personality Disorder, and you can imagine the behavior I have seen. I am now raising kids with special needs.
That has given me quite a perspective on people.
So, I can certainly forgive, but I never forget. I definitely feel I've paid my dues and been around so much bad behavior and suffered so much, that I avoid people with issues... family or not--and I forgive myself for that.
I loved this article. I will
I loved this article. I will never forgive my SD and DH for the hurt they dealt me, a year ago. I have learned to live with my decisions on how to move forward and not subject myself to their mistreatment ever again. SD is completely out of my life (like she is dead).
I don't like my DH, but I do love him. I do not respect or trust him, because he betrayed me to SD and disrespected me over the years, for SD. I will care for him and treat him with the respect I would expect for myself. My DH is trying very hard to correct what has happened; with that said; I guess you could say DH is getting more from me than he deserves, but he will never get forgiveness and I will never forget. I am at "arms length" and that will never change.
I have no problem letting it go, moving forward, and never letting it happen again. I will boot DH to the curb (again), if it ever happens again; he knows this and believes it.
I agree - we need to let go
I agree - we need to let go but that is not forgiveness IMO.
Forgiveness is much deeper and harder to give.
I have moved forward with my life too and have let go of the step crap that used to consume me and cause so many fights with my DH.
Like you Sammigirl, i cannot forget the betrayals from my DH involving SD in our marriage too. I can never get over that as it systematically destroyed the trust I had. It was up and down a lot but after that - there is no going back.
20Years: I feel guilty,
20Years: I feel guilty, because never in my life have I not been able to forgive someone and accept them for what they are. This is my biggest hang up; but after reading the article discussed above on "The other F-word", I ordered the book. I plan to read it from cover to cover, probably more than once.
I plan to continue on the road I'm taking at this time; I've disengaged and stay arm's length, because I can't trust. Therefore, I am anxious to read this book; only because I want to make it easier for me to move forward and not let SD or DH EVER block my life again. I also have a great deal of anger and want to rid myself of anger and not go back to these toxic people with my emotions.
I will never forget or forgive, because of the pain, but I am hoping this book will enlighten me. Thinking of all of you on this site that have endured the pain, lies, and betrayal. It sucks!
Sometimes, I think you just
Sometimes, I think you just have to forgive yourself for feeling the way you do. When someone has betrayed your trust and their actions have caused such deep hurt, it's not always that easy to truly forgive them.
I think just moving forward, without hate, is sometimes all that we can do. Maybe forgiveness will come in time.
Getting rid of the hate I
Getting rid of the hate I feel towards my SD is now my goal. Going back to where it was will never happen. It's a rough road, but can be handled.
Sammi, yes the guilt for not
Sammi, yes the guilt for not forgiving is the victimization again. Do not feel guilty - you are protecting yourself.
I hope the book is helpful. There is another great book that i read which helped tremendously dealing with anger etc. "Dance of Anger" by Dr. Harriet Lerner, Phd. She is a trained marriage and family therapist and has incredible insight into women and resentment / anger.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I read "The other F Word"; it
I read "The other F Word"; it is helpful. "Dance of Anger" is much better for me. If I can let the anger go and look beyond anger, I have healed a good deal. I have discovered I have more anger and it keeps me from forgiving myself. I plan to focus on forgiving myself and have no intentions of forgiving my SD56 or DH. They are history on the subject; but I am feeling better just working on the anger.
Thanks for recommending these books; I like them both.
Hi Sammi, Dance of Anger was
Hi Sammi, Dance of Anger was a very helpful book for me too! Glad it helped. We take care of ourselves and move forward.
Take care.
Anyone who is pressured by a
Anyone who is pressured by a therapist to forgive those who have seriously wronged them, needs to say, "I WILL forgive. I forgive MYSELF for not forgiving people who treat me horribly!"
**THIS** In my situation,
**THIS** In my situation, the problem with forgiving anyone else but myself; the cycle just begins all over again. My DH and SD56 played games, and still play games, with BM for years and years. I opened my eyes, when DH and I had problems with our marriage; the cause of the problem was, DH and SD56 were playing the same games with me.
I don't think they even realize they are repeating a pattern. I have stepped completely away from both of them; if I do not disengage from "their" way of manipulating people, it will destroy my marriage of 36 years. Therefore, I disengaged from this part of their life; I felt guilty and became angry, for not being the model SM, as well as, they didn't respond to my efforts (they are entitled to their own thinking). In short, they think they are right and I think I am right; the only answer is to let it go.
I have to forgive myself and move forward; I don't want to go any further with the forgiveness, because it will revert back to the ole' pattern of living; thus I am feeling less and less anger, because they are living that part of their life and I am going on with my life. It is a better way for DH and I; which is a more peaceful road.