The thought of BM attending DH's funeral makes me cringe. My initial thought would be to ban her outright.

However, my uncle recently died. My cousin was an only child. My uncle and his ex wife divorced nearly three decades ago. His ex wife did not attend the funeral and did not help her daughter cover any of the costs or support her in any way throughout the process. My dad and his siblings covered the cost and my aunt helped her make all of the arrangements. Because of that, my cousin hasn't spoken to her mother in over a year. There could be more to the story as her mother is super high conflict and totally cut off my entire family without another word (despite living in the same small town as the rest of us) over 35 years ago, but apparently, the funeral is what pushed my cousin over the edge.

After my cousin's experience, I did rethink things a bit. I would probably not ban BM, she could come to support her children if they wanted that, but I wouldn't talk to her and would expect her to know her place (i.e. she would need to sit way in the back and would be expected to graciously pass up attending any family gatherings after the ceremony.

Having shared part of my life with my XW I would not entirely rule out attending a funeral for one of my XILs or even my XW. It would depend on many factors.

Though she turned out to be a cavern crotched adulterous skank whore .... that is not the woman I asked to marry me and though my XMIL turned out to be a federal felon she was actually very good to me during the 2.5 years her daughter and I were married. But then again she could be afford to be generous because she was ripping off her employer for $millions.

My XBIL, XSIL and XFIL were all decent people ... unlike their mother/wife and sister/daughter.

I am on the fence on this one.

I don't like to entertain thoughts of DH becoming sick or dying but, God forbid, if something did happen right now, I would probably not allow his daughter to visit the hospital, certainly not my home, and would probably ban her from the funeral. As for BM, I would have no quarrel with her presence at any of the above.

As for them both attending another funeral, I don't think I would have a problem.

SD could attend DH's funeral. Before she entered my home I would first make sure I had a friend or relative there, and I would give the choice of being respectful or leaving. No BM. Period.

This actually brings back a memory. When BM's mother died about 4 years ago, DH did attend the funeral. Of course, BM and SD were there. I didn't attend because I had only met the woman once, and I don't put myself in places where I have to be in the presence of SD. After the funeral, a lot of the mourners returned to the decreased's home that she shared with husband #5 for a meal and memories as is common in many places. DH did not attend, BM and SD did. BM left to go home, but SD chose to stay with no ride to get back to BM's. A few hours later, DH gets a call from SD asking if he can pick her up and take her to BM's. He agreed to make the 40 minute, one way, trip to pick her up.

When be arrived, he spoke to husband #5 and offered his condolences again. Then asked if he knew where SD was as he was there to collect her. Husband #5 wasn't sure and went to see where she had gotten off to. DH was waiting in the living room and speaking to some of the other guests that were remaining when he heard SD screaming from one of the back rooms.

It turns out that SD had been promised some jewelry that her grandmother owned;a ring and a necklace. Well, SD took it upon herself to empty Granny's jewelry box into her purse and husband #5 caught her in the act. Husband #5 told her that he had discussed the disposition of the jewelry, and that he knew which ring and necklace granny had given to SD and to BM and to BM's sister but that "right now" was not the time to deal with that and she would need to return the items in her purse to the jewelry box. SD was so angry that she punched a hole in the wall in front of DH and threw handfuls of the jewelry in the floor.

DH was so embarrassed he didn't know what to do besides apologize to the man and the remaining guests who had witnessed his daughter stealing from this man and destroying his home. DH offered to pay for or arrange for repairs to be made, but #5 was very gracious and declined his offer. SD did get the jewelry that had been bequeathed to her a few days later.

Just one more reason SD won't be allowed around when either of us kick the bucket.

I've tried so hard to like my stepkids but I just can't because they aren't very friendly to me even after being around me for 3 years. And to top it off all 3 of them look like their mom so that makes me sick. I hate their mom. Shes verbally attacked me because she doesnt like the rules i place in MY HOUSE! I've told my husband he needs to check her behavior. It's none of her business if I decide to put limits on my Wi-Fi because her kids don't go to sleep all night. They have zero manners and have been coddled to the point where they are not self sufficient. The youngest Sd is 9. And the other 2 boys are 13 and 17. I remember being extremely self sufficient at that age. The 17 year old doesnt pick up after himself, doesn't shower everyday, plays video games 15 hours a day. It's just utterly ridiculous. But when I mention this disgraceful behavior to my husband, I end up being the bad guy and we end up arguing. I honestly lose respect for my husband when he places his kids on a high pedestal, when they are clearly not being raised properly in their full time home with their mother. It's like no matter what his kids do, they CAN DO NO WRONG. The 13 year old has stolen my phone chargers when he's visited. I mention it to my husband and he gets super defensive, which I understand BUT when it's obvious who the thief is in the house, why get defensive? Why not address the little felon about his behavior instead of making me look like a crazy accuser. Mind you, this same son has stolen money out of my husband's wallet. It's like he's in denial. But I just have to remember his thieving son is his problem not mine. The 9 yr old daughter is very insensitive and lacks compassion. She's constantly making fun of overweight people and I have to constantly remind her that isn't a nice thing to do. She's told me she likes watching videos of animals being tortured and that blew my gasket. I knew I was dealing with evil spawn at that point. But once again, I tell my husband and he shrugs it off. Wtf!? Is something wrong with my husband? The best news of my life came when I found out my husband's ex wife was moving to another state! Praise God! Take your little demonic children and get out of my life! I'm going to convince my husband to go visit them in their state instead of them coming to visit him for a summer. I would not be able to take 2 months of their whining, crying, stink, and overall mannerless behavior in my home for that long. Id rather die.

I attended my XH' funeral. My children were young adults at the time and needed me. We had been married 10 years and divorced for 16 at the time of his passing. My entire family went to support my children. Sixteen years is a long time and the hard feelings had passed. My SO was fine with it.

It depends on so many factors,if the exes get along.....if they were close to the deceased or if the ex was invited by the family. My grandmother attended both of her ex husband's funerals. Actually with my grandfather BOTH his ex wives attended hand in hand (yes they stayed friends since day one). I know if my ex dropped dead-I wouldn't go. DD13 wouldn't even care since it's been years since she last saw him.

BM has only attended 1 family funeral of DH's and that was for MIL's father.
She showed up in jeans and tshirt and gym hoodie.

MIL and FIL told her to sit her ass in the very back when she tried to sit up front with DH and I.
None of his family wanted her there but did not wish to start a shitstorm.

And she left as soon as the services were over, DH escorted her to the car and made sure she left.

He's made it very clear if he were to drop dead-she's not to attend. MIL and I were specifically told he wanted
no service. Just cremate and toss his ashes at the beach.

And I can say if BM were to go-her family would throw a party and invite DH. It's very disturbing that even her own family
can't stand her and want nothing to do with her.

My DH is almost a decade younger than I am, but my parents and grandparents mostly lived till in their 90s. DH's parents died in their 50s and 60s so who knows who will go first.

My DH swears that he does not want an elaborate funeral. I'd probably do some kind of memorial service though, but I would not include SS. SS was complicit with his mother in keeping the details of DH's older son's death secret from DH until after his funeral. SS could do his own memorial service if he wanted to.

DH would only attend BM's funeral if SD really wanted him to but seriously, she is an adult and would be more comforted by BM's side of the family, people who actually cared that BM was dead because DH would not. And, maybe by then, SD's BF would be out of jail and could be there for her.

It would just be very nauseating for DH to hear people skew the facts and paint BM as a good person, when anybody who really knows her, knows that she is evil. But, he has already told me that he will go if SD wants him to.

I don't really care one way or the other but I think it would be weird for SD to want someone to be at her mother's funeral, who does not care AT ALL that she is dead and has nothing good to say about her and no good memories. They just did not have that kind of marriage. I would think SD would want the support of other people who actually did care about BM.

BM once told DH that she wanted to be cremated. He told her, "Don't worry, you will burn."

I would have no problem if DH attended BM's funeral or the other way around. After a rocky start, BM and I can now attend the skids functions together and she has even joined us to celebrate afterwards. We will never friends, but we can be cordial and have a conversation. She has even come to one of DD's choir concerts, and she didn't have to.

My Ex-H on the other hand - when his nephew died in his early 20s (I had been in his life since he was 3), I went to the visitation to be there for his mother (who was divorced from Ex-H's brother) and her daughter (whom I had known since birth - she still considers me her aunt even though Ex-H and I have been divorced for many years). Ex-SIL told me I wasn't welcome and asked me to leave. Niece grabbed my hand and told Ex-SIL that my presence wasn't up to her. (I love that girl!) So, I know I will asked to leave if I go to Ex-H funeral. However, he and I have 2 children together, and if they want me there, I will be there. From what I hear, it could be within the next 5 years. He doesn't take care of himself, is an alcoholic, and was hospitalized last week because his blood pressure was so high, his doctors were afraid he may have a stroke. I would only go for my kids and only if they want me there, not out of any sentiment for him. Hell, Ex-SIL is such a piece of work that she has told Ex-H that his girlfriend wasn't welcome to Christmas dinner at her house because "she's not family." I'm sure she would try to ban GF from his funeral too, and DS has said that it would be HIS decision, not Ex-SIL's. (I like Ex-H girlfriend)

My family and DH would have no problem if Ex-H attended my funeral because they're not petty.

I really don't know how you would stop someone from going. I personally would NOT want my dh's ex there and if I could keep her away I would.

When my mother-n-law died my osd called her dad and said her bm was very upset and wanted to know if she would be welcome to attend. My dh fell all over himself as usual to make the skids happy and bm came to the funeral. Before the funeral I was up front with my sister-n-law. My dh's ex walks right up to me as if she owned the place and interrupted me mid sentence with my sister-n-law. I walk off. Later I sat with my husband with the family. When the family stood at the front of the church after the service I stayed in my seat so that I could avoid my dh's ex. Dh's ex walks up front and acts like it is a family reunion. when she walked up to my dh, she held out her hand and my dh quickly took her hand and brushed it aside. After she walked on by I walked up front and stood by my husband. Then when I walk back to my seat, dh's ex was sitting in my seat and I had to reach under her to get my purse.

The weather was horrid. Snow & ice. So after the service It was announced that it was preferred that only immediate family go to the cemetery. Dh's ex went and I swear everywhere I would be I had to bump into her.

Days later my ss is making comments that his mom had more of a right to be there than I did.

I think that the ex should have just sent flowers and stayed away.

I don't think it's an easy to thing to answer. I would never want to omit someone from a funeral of a person they personally know and felt a desire to be present at. I would think that funeral's are structured enough that two adults who don't want to speak to each other should be able to be apart enough to manage. Now I also understand that some people come looking for a fight which I think is pathetic. In that case the issue is very fuzz but in general I would leave the more conflict seeking person out.

When my father dies, I won't even tell my mom about the funeral until after it takes place. They divorced 20+ years ago and the woman has never had a kind word to say about him. I would rather not spend the day of mourning listening to her insult him to anyone who would listen.

If BM died, I wouldn't care if DH went to the funeral to support the kids, no matter their age. DH however has said he'd only attend her funeral if the kids were still kids. He has no desire of his own to attend.

If DH died, I wouldn't mind BM there as long as she keeps her ass out of the family receiving line and doesn't try to speak at the service. I would be insistent on that point. BM is not part of DH's family and does not get to pretend she is on such an emotionally charged day. But I don't deal with grief well - I couldn't fulfill my grandma's last wish of reading a certain poem at her funeral because I couldn't control myself enough to speak. And I wasn't close to her at all. So I wouldn't mind her being there to support SD and SS, since I know I wouldn't be in a state to do so.

My DH actually did die. I had a memorial in my house and the SKids had their own WITH BM, lol. Someone they knew their dad loathed, but BM wasn't about to give up the chance to get attention as a grieving widow and try to collect donations. BM ran an obituary in the paper in their town, about thirty miles from where we lived, and asked for donations to the SKids in lieu of flowers. I kid you not.

A week after DH died, I loaded up a trailer of DHs, with tools, clothes, photos, etc and had it delivered to the SKids. I also helped them pick up his truck and second trailer. It was a huge, dirty, all day chore getting all that stuff to them because DHs belongings were mostly tools in the garage. No thanks at all. Instead I was told they didn't like how I packed the trailer, it didn't include everything, etc.

Then they decided they wanted to come into my house to pick up "the rest of his things" because SD19 had "bills" she had to pay and needed all his things to sell.. Mind you, they had not been here for a good year or two since he died so they had no idea what he owned, what we bought together, etc. And SD19 is a very pushy girl. She started all this off by following me to my storage under the house "to make sure there wasn't anything of her dad's that she wanted there" and then grabbed a LADDER on the way back that she claimed was his. I decided not to argue it and just let her have the ladder, but she wasn't coming in my house after that. I asked them to instead email me a list of what they felt was missing and I would try to find it. I got a list of the most ridiculous BS ever. Old CDs listed out by name, a LARD can, a drafting table that had never been in this house, and even things that I had bought for everyone's enjoyment while they were here. I told them that I would look for the items, but that wasn't enough, they brought BM and the police to my house demanding to enter my home. I was at the grocery store when this happened and my 6 year old DD was here with a babysitter. DD6 was terrified and confused. I called the watch commander at the local police station, filled him in on what was going on and he told them to stay away from me. Nothing was theirs unless they went through probate.

Here is where it really gets fun. His SD19 had picked up his ashes at the crematorium. She told me that she would "trade" me some of them for DD6 if I gave her all this remaining junk she wanted. And I had 24 hours to do it. I had completely had it. I had looked and couldn't even find most of what they wanted, but I did find photos of BMs grandmother, who BM and the SKids view as a saint of some kind. I told SD19 that she had 24 hours to deliver some ashes to me or I would burn every last photo of BMs grandmother to ashes and let DD6 spread those. She wouldn't know the difference anyway. I got some ashes within a few hours for DD6:) I have found a ton of DHs stuff since then in our storage unit, the garage, etc. It now gets sold or tossed. I will never let the SKids darken my doorstep again.

When my MIL died, my SIL asked me if it were ok if BM sat in the family section by her. I didn't care; I was sitting next to my DH as his support.

If our ex spouses die, I suspect we both will go to the respective calling hours to pay respects and leave. But be in town to support our children.

We haven't really discussed the opposite....our ex's coming if something should happen to one of us. BM has no money and could not travel the 1,500 miles to get where we live unless someone bought her ticket. I don't think the SDs would want her there because she has to be the center of attention, like the SD's, who will want all the attention and sympathy on themselves.

My exDH has never emotionally supported our kids so I don't think he would start if I passed away.

DH and I have already discussed that when we pass we want to be creamated and have a small gathering of remembrance. If DH passes before me I'll give skids half the ashes to spread on their own. Skids can arrange something to remember him by but I'll likely do my own in private. BM is a non person to me and I would never invite her to anything.

I have no doubt BM would be at DH's funeral, invited by SIL of course!

However, at my own father's funeral, both my Mom and SF attended...it was a little weird but not really, I would expect this type of thing would happen with the EX's....

Well....I have given this a great deal of thought. If DH was to pass, I'm sure BM would attend; because SD56 and SGD32 would make sure she did.

I've decided I don't care! I've had enough of their past to last me two life times and I've had enough of DH's good ole' days. So for BM to pay her "nosey" respects, I could care less, as long as they all stay away from me.

I have a great deal of family and friends who support me; I doubt I would even notice.

As for my funeral, they will probably all attend to see what I am wearing. LOL....

Touchy subject for me. When BM passed (now ex)DH attended her funeral. I'm not sure how I would've felt about it if he had told me upfront that he planned to attend. She had been ill and her death was expected. 3 weeks before she passed, DH and I were talking about her illness and he said, "I promise you that I will not be at her funeral. I will support (Adult SS) in any way I can but I am absolutely not going to her funeral." I didn't ask for that promise but I did expect that he meant it. Then she died and the night before the funeral, DH said, "Well, you know this means we need to go to (her home state) tomorrow." I did not go. So, the way it played out, I'm not 100% certain that I was only upset over the broken promise or also that he attended the funeral.

I don't expect that I will attend my adult children's father's funeral. I don't hate him or anything but he has a wife and I don't think she would want me there. I don't have any feelings for him one way or the other so it won't bother me not to attend. If I pass first, I wouldn't expect him at my funeral either.

If (now ex)DH passes before me, he has requested that I read something at his service. However, I'm not at all sure that former SS would allow me to attend.

When Asshat's parents died a year apart, my kids went to Colorado for the funeral, but I did not. Not my family anymore, despite the fact that they were lovely people with whom I kept in touch post divorce. Not my place to be there.

I will not go to Asshat's funeral. Why would I? I have never understood those who attend the funeral of an ex-spouse, particularly when that ex spouse has remarried....

My mother, on the other hand, has been at every single funeral of those in my dad's family. They have been divorced for over 30 years, she didn't/doesn't keep in touch with most of them, my dad is remarried and has been forever. My mom is THAT person, just no boundaries at all.

When my cousin died a few years ago (he was a year older than me), my mom got pissed because she wasn't in the front row with my aunt, uncle, cousins and my dad. I thought I was going to roll my eyes right out of my head. She was angry that my SM was in the front row - you know, with her husband, my father, but she had to sit a few rows behind. My mom is a real piece of work...

I have explored this thought and I am happy that I have come to a good place with it all. At first, the thought of his ex wife at his funeral made me physically ill, but now? I would be okay with it because I know our truth, our love and no one can touch it. No one can. She may cry some tears, hold on to some "precious memories" she had with him if/when that time comes, but she doesn't have what we have, never did have it and never will. That truth means I am okay with anything going on around me/us. My husband says all the time and I believe him, "This, YOU AND I, is all that matters, it's the most important thing in my life." So, exes at his funeral? Sure, why not? They can cry for him, he's a great man, but they didn't have what we have and that is something I will carry with me forever, even if it ended prematurely. (The thought of losing him is now what makes me physically ill, so I try to not to explore this topic too much, but yes, it's something we all have to face at some point).

I would not go to my ex's funeral, He ended up a horrible cheating man to me and many others, whom I never want to see again, dead or alive. I am not angry, just numb to any feelings for him at all. DD can go, she does not need my support, she is an independent adult with her own relationship with him. She knows what her father became to both of us.

But, I think my husband's ex would make certain she attended his funeral along with her entourage, even though she has had no relationship in 15 years. Not certain I would care, instead I would try to see it as the very last time I had to lay my eyes on the rudest, crudest, and most disgusting people on the face of the earth to me.

Truthfully I would not want my husband's ex at his funeral. She is a nasty, nasty piece of work. However, I don't feel like I could say who can and cannot come to his funeral. He did have a life with this person. He does share 4 children with this person. While they do not speak to each other at all and both have remarried I would understand each of them going to each other's funerals for these reasons.

I think DH would only go to her's to be there for his nasty, evil SDs if they asked him too. I don't think DH would want to go because it would cause drama and he gets enough drama from the SDs in his daily life to last a lifetime. Also though, I think his oldest son will be a mess if his Mom passes as he hasn't spoken to her in at least 7-8 years. He no longer calls her Mom but that is another long story for another day! If she passes I doubt there will be a funeral here for her as she has little to no REAL family and friends here anymore. Perhaps her current husband would plan something with her daughters but I don't think my DH would go to it unless asked to come. He did not go to his ex-MILs or ex-FILs funerals nor did the ex fly back for DH's mother's funeral.

I don't think she would come to DH's funeral since she lives in another country and always claims she has no $ for anything. When each of her parents were ill and dying she delayed flying home to the point that they each died on the day she was flying back to the states. She never got to say goodby to either of them which of course is great fodder for drama then and still today. So I don't think she would come for DH's funeral but as I said I don't think I really could stop her. Honestly, I think I will be so numb from grief and pain that I won't even notice that she is there.

A friend of the family recently passed. He was pretty high profile... he rubbed elbows with Karlsson, if you know your hockey players... and yes, Karlsson attended the wake. As did DH and I.

The wake was held in his wife's home. The ex wife tried to attend with the daughter... wife was turned away.

Makes things simple.

When my stepmom died, her exH and his wife came to the funeral.
I know we sound like hicks but her exH married their daughters, husbands mother. So yes, technically my stepsister and her husband are step siblings. The parents married after the kids.
They came to support their children and to say their goodbyes. They weren't friends but they weren't enemies either.
I think they respected each other.
My Dad was gracious and thanked them for coming.

When my Dad died just over 3 months after my stepmom, my Mom went to his funeral. Same reasons, she came to support us, her children.
Yes, we are all adults but losing both of them so closely was hard. It was nice to have my Mom there.

If my exH were to die, I'd go to his funeral. I like and get along with his GF. She's a lovely woman who loves our son and she would be devastated to lose my exH. In fact my Mom would go as well, she and GF talk regularly and are somewhat friends.

I don't think DH would be upset if exH came to my funeral. The only awkwardness would be if he was sobbing or creating a scene, which I highly doubt would happen. Like me, he'd want to be there for our son.

BM is a whole different kettle of fish.
I doubt DH would go to hers, maybe if his kids asked him to. But he'd stay way in the back and try to get out as quickly as possible. I would go at all. His parents might go with him, again if asked by the skids.

I think she'd probably come to his, but she'd know enough to stay away from me. At least I hope she'd know!