It All Happens At Once
My father called me this past Tuesday on the way to Buffalo to state that my mom is basically in hospice and is refusing all liquids, food and medication. I am helping out DIL with DGD2 over in Buffalo. My parents live in Maine, their choice of early retirement location from upstate NY.
Now my parents NEVER call me bc they are religiously shunning me for the past over two decades. In fact I offered to see them late August when Awesomeson, DIL and DGD visited them and they said no unless I confirmed I was rejoining the cult. There are no gifts holidays etc etc acknowledged other than I would send them an anniversary card on their anniversary and usually my mother would write back around the time of my birthday even though they're not allowed to celebrate birthdays with a few words saying they wish things were different and that I rejoined the cult.
My other relatives, including my narc younger sister (the golden child) get a free pass bc they never officially wrote a letter of disassociation like I did and I never required my childten, now adults, to get baptised into it. Whereas they insisted I get baptised as a prerequisite for my first failed marriage. My younger sister, although baptised, pretends to be a practicing member for a possible inheritance so she is accepted.
I have never been particularly close to my parents as my mom was perpetually depressed and always in mental hospitals for prolonged periods of time while my sister and I were shipped off to my very stern paternal grandmother who did not care for us. I believe the cult actually does this to people but I digress. My father is a zealot and rules the roost. I believe at this point my mother has lost the will to live. I have done remote sessions with her and she does not look good. I have tried to encourage her and so has DIL. My DD and SIL are over there visiting her now.
Poor Awesomeson is deployed halfway around the world for the next 6 months.
I am really thinking about bowing out of the funeral because it will be one big proselytizing Festival as always and I will make people extremely uncomfortable knowing my status in the cult. Of course, Chef is dead set against me going to the funeral because of the shunning status and because his own brother is shunning him over his divorce as well as most of his family.
Just UGH!
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I should also mention
That they chose Maine as an early retirement spot to keep from having to babysit any of my children as I was a single parent at the time. They felt that I would use them as a built-in babysitter which I had no intentions of doing whatsoever. Both my parents always impugned the worst about me whereas my sister who was actually the Hellraiser could do no wrong.
It’s your mother
You must go to Buffalo to see her and attend her funeral. You want no regrets in life. This would be a big regrets if you don't go. It's a few days in your life time
what happen in the past. Is in the past. There is no time to change any of that. Maybe you can have some type of relationship with your father. Not saying spending weekends with him. But a phone call every now and then.. Forgiveness is more important then anger.. As long as you did not cause the problem.
And I am not the prime expample of this. My middle SD has not spoken to me in twenty something years. I really don't know what the problem was. I am not going to beg her to see me. I am open for her to call. Guest pride has something to do with it. I raised her her BF never saw his kids. I payed for everything. They may not had the fairytale childhood. It was not there fault. They did go on vacations had everything they needed. Not everything they wanted. Just no ideas if it wasn't for me there life would be so different.
She is not
In Buffalo she is in Maine
You only "HAVE TO" do what
You only "HAVE TO" do what you're comfortable with. If you are sure you won't regret going to the funeral, then don't go. ((hugs))
I disagree. Do what is best
I disagree. Do what is best for you. There is no "must go's" in this world & it took me a long time to learn it. I am so sorry. Losing a parent is hard, sometimes hard when you are estranged. Take care of you.
I think you should only
I think you should only attend the funeral if you feel it’s going to bring you some type of closure. It doesn’t sound as if you are particularly close with your family or that they will be kind to you if you do attend. I think people put way too much emphasis on “family” when in reality some people are just horrible people and despite sharing DNA or blood with them you don’t have to pretend to mourn them if you don’t want to.
Main of Buffalo
Really does t matter. Sorry my mistake for not reading it
"I think you should only attend the funeral if you feel it’s going to bring you some type of closure. ". Do you know today that it will bring some type of closure ? Or a year from now you are going to be upset that you did not attend when it too late to do anything. This is about YOU and only YOU not your father or family. You have to do what best for you..
'OR if you do go. What do you lose?
You do NOT have to go see her
You do NOT have to go see her. I was estranged from my father, didn't like worshipping at his narcissistic altar, he died from Covid. A few months after he passed there was a wake and I did go to that. Many old family friends knew of the estrangement and acted appropriately towards me. The whiskey helped too! I have no regrets, the relationship could never be fixed and I had been morning that fact for years. The day after he passed I awoke to a sensation of freedom, that the negativity was over between us and I could go forward. Google "death if estranged parent". You will find many who struggle with this end of life situation. You do what is right for YOU, not what society guilts you into, not from what Chef says, only what your heart can live with. Sorry you find yourself in this boat. Know you are one of many out there struggling with it.
This
I am estranged from my mother
She is a mentally I'll, alcoholic animal hoarder and people keep sending me screen shots of abuse she keeps hurling online at my brother and I. He actually called me last night and I will see him and his kids tomorrow. He basically said , "you realize how this is going to end ?" And I said "yes. I am prepared mentally for it but I have to protect my peace and my children. My brother and I vowed that we are ending the generational curse. We are good parents and we have good kids." If you don't want to see her then you don't have to see her
Your mom and mine might be
Your mom and mine might be similar, give or take a cult. I'm not sure what you should do. What is your gut telling you?
quick personal note: I live less than an hour out of Buffalo.
My gut
Is telling me not to go as it would be highly stressful for everyone but I can do remote sessions until she passes.
When talking to my Dil the other day I honestly admitted I can't remember one good memory with my parents other than my mother did take me to see Gone With The Wind in a big theater and that is it.
They were always trying to get me to be very close with my sister which wasn't going to happen. Everyone who comes into contact with her realizes she is a narcissist in a big way. She is constantly looking for attention especially male attention all of her social media includes all of her ex-boyfriends even though she is married. I have zero in common with her and never did have anything in common with her.
Trust your gut, thrice. I
Trust your gut, thrice. I think remote visits with her are just fine and you certainly don't need the culty harrassment at the time of her death.
You have to do what is best for YOU.
This is obviously a very
This is obviously a very tough situation. If you are able to have any kind of virtual visit with her.. I might try that.. to test the waters.. if she is capable of being aware of what is going on.
There are a lot of people who think you will regret this or that.. that the only right thing to do is go.. but sometimes the toxic nature of people just won't allow that hallmark ending.. and it may be better to not go and be as you feel maybe a distraction.. or a target.
It sounds like your mind is
It sounds like your mind is made up. No one can say what is right for you but you. It doesn't seem as if you have a good relationship with your mother and the virtual visits are working.
I won't pretend to know how you feel. I lost my dad in 2001 and it still hurts. We were close though and never estranged. Even still, I had regrets that I had to work through. Being estranged is different I'm sure. If going to her funeral would bring drama instead of closure, awkwardness instead of peace, don't go. Mourn the parents you wish you'd had.
I would go. Their issues are not your issues.
Do not saddle yourself with regrets and guilt by missing your mother's funeral. Take your ear buds and have your tunes ready on your phone for the prosthletizing sessions. But, go to be there for yourself.
My mom's mom was not a nice person. I had issues with her. Though I was the only one of her GK's who called her regularly or visited her when I was near her home. I attended her funeral. It was a
Have some scripted responses ready to roll our to any cult members who make the mistake of blathering their lunacy at you.
"God bless you." Is always a good one. Turn their dogma back on them. This one pulls a lot of toxic teeth. Particularly when the toxic put on the mantle of piety.
"Bless your sweet little heart." Is one that "genteel" Southern folk use to say , in different words, "Go fuck yourself" to those being dipshits.
Make this about you and your mom. Not about them.
I am sorry to hear about your mom.
Take care of you.
I tend to agree with Rags. I
I tend to agree with Rags. I worry that you may eat yourself up over this if you don't participate. But only give a sliver of time. Don't set yourself up for hours, give them only small portions of time.
here are a couple things I say when cornered by someone who refuses to respect my ability to think for myself.
- "thank you for giving me something to think about"
- "I appreciate your honesty/opinion/thoughts"
- "I hadn't appreoached it that way. "
Then after saying one of Rags or my words I immediately ask a question that lets them blather on about themselves.
"how are you doing with all of this"
"what is your favorite memory of 'dead person's name here' "
I was estranged from my
I was estranged from my narcissistic father. He turned other family members against me (told a lot of lies, no doubt). My brother manipulated a lot so he would inherit everything. He didn't even tell me my father had died, I found out by accident through a cousin.
I didn't go to the funeral and I don't regret it. A lot of family members would have attacked me, no doubt. I wasn't going to stand there and attempt to justify myself to assholes who only believe what they want to believe. It was many many years ago and no regrets. Sometimes you just have to protect yourself.
Sorry you're going through
Sorry you're going through this..
I'm estranged from my mother (all 3 of us are at this point) and I'm the only one that talks to my father. They are both shockingly still here (my father has 9lives) even though they are only 59.
I'm at the point (like petspolier said) mourn what you wish you had... that's what I've done. My mom worked hard for a long time for us but... she wasn't a "mom" to me. She fell off the wagon ( mental health ) when my little brother was around 14/15. My dad had drug issues... was clean for basically 15 years but never made an effort to be in our lives. My stepmothers poor health always took over... once she basically started dying he feel back off... They are/were such smart people etc. but just poor life decision after poor life decision you can only do so much. My middle brother is extremely successful and is a carbon copy of what my father could have been. They are the same person it's scary.
BUT they BOTH just make forever excuses for their behavior and you can only listen to it for so long...
We can't feel guilty for who they are as people just because they are our parents. This is still a work in progress for me... My brothers are better at that then I am...
Do what YOU want to do. If you make people uncomfortable and are OK with that then I'd say go.. If you want to avoid it then don't go. If she's getting buried you can have your own moments alone at any point after if you'd rather not see everyone.
Best of Luck.
I agree that you should do
I agree that you should do what feels right to you. I recently went to a funeral for a friend's husband. He was estranged from his siblings and didn't want them to attend his funeral. My friend was worried that they would show up and cause a scene, and she discussed it with the funeral home director. He said that they would be escorted out if they showed up and that police would be called if they refused to leave. My friend was surprised and said "don't they have a right to attend their brother's funeral?". The director said "they have a right to mark his passing, and they can do that however they see fit, but this event is being hosted by you and they're not entitled to attend it". It made me stop and think. There doesn't have to be just one specific day or gathering to mark someone's passing. You can mark your mother's passing in whatever way feels right to you. Shared grief is comforting, but only if the people you're sharing it with bring you comfort.
Funerals are for the living.
Funerals are for the living. Do what feels right to you. I completely understand not wanting drama. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I was going to reiterate the
I was going to reiterate the same thing.. that funerals are for the living. Just because you don't attend the "official" cult funeral.. does not mean you cannot have your own memorialization/service for your mother on your own terms.. and in your own way. If you want to go.. you can.. of course.. but if you don't.. you can still find your own peace and closure...given your situation.. you likely have gone through a good part of the grief cycle over your family already...