Disengagement & Funerals
I recently disengaged from SD20 after an incident with her this summer. (Note: There's been a string of bad behavior from her that I didn't react to. It took me a full year to speak up.) I've been feeling a lot of peace as a result.
Tragically, SO's father passed away last week. The funeral is in two days. I won't be able to avoid her. I'm not someone who can pretend that everything is OK when an incident has gone unresolved. Nor am I someone to abandon my SO at his father's funeral because I can't get along with his adult daughter. My solution? I invited my mother to go with me. This will avoid the painful awkwardness of being inevitably pushed to the outside of the SO-SD-SS circle when family and friends console them while still allowing me to be present for my SO.
SO feels I invited my mother so I wouldn't have to be around him or to engage with all the people he claims are dying to meet me. (I didn't intend that as a pun, believe me. Those were his words. Nothing about this is funny.) I don't know if he accepts my explanation or not, but I guess I needed someone with me that I know is 100% in my corner.
Now for the really awkward question. Do I sit with SO in the family section at the service? We've only been together for 1.5 years, are not married, and don't live together. I feel that his kids and mother need all his 'sides' and that I should set in 'gen pop' with my mother. Thoughts?
I don't think
you invite someone to go with you to a funeral. And that if you are in a relationship you sit with the family and suck it up for the day. This is about grieving and disengaged or not, you don't abandon your partner during a time of grief. Hell, you don't even abandon the family as a whole. HE needs you. His kids and mother need him.
There are times where all of the other stuff just shouldn't matter and this is one of those times.
Dread
Since you do not live with SO, and you have only known him for 1 1/2 years, it doesn't seem appropriate for you to invite someone to his Father's funeral so you feel more at ease. Be there for SO but avoid SD. Take a separate car, pay your respects, and leave as soon as you can. The worst funeral I went to was my Ex MIL. She was one of the most toxic people I ever met and we didn't like each other but I went to the funeral and left as soon as possible.
As peaceful as life has been since disengaging from SD almost 8 years ago, a family funeral or (God forbid) DH passes away, is something I fully dread. I will definitely ask my friends to be with me to help deflect any possible trouble from SD.
I guess it really
comes down to wether or not your mom knew your SO's father or not. If she did then i understand having her go to the funeral. Other than that I wouldn't dwell too much. It's all about being supportive of your SO during his loss and paying your respects. If the other members of the family are catty towards you at a funeral then that is on them.
My Concern Is...
Since your relationship with SO is fairly new, and you've had a falling out with SD, this could get ugly; especially if you are not married and sitting in the "family" section. Just as MurphysLaw pointed out, death can bring out the crazy in some people, and if they're already on edge, it won't take much.
I think you should be supportive of SO. Is there a separate viewing or a visitation prior to the funeral? If so, perhaps that might be the time to be supportive, or if there is a reception afterward. I'm just really worried this won't turn out as planned if there is already a history with SD.
Please let us know how things go, as I think those of us in these roles feel concern when it comes to this particular type of "gathering" when the road has already had a few bumps in it.
If SO is uncomfortable with
If SO is uncomfortable with your mother being there for any reason, best to not take her. You don't want to make this harder on him, even if you're more uncomfortable without someone in your corner. While he's grieving, he shouldn't have one more irritation to consume his attention.
And really, what's your mother going to do if an ugly scene breaks out? If they snub you? It will be ugly no matter what if that happens. Taking your mom kind of looks like what it is: you're too scared of them to attend without your mom. Don't telegraph that message. You're there with your SO as you should be. You have a right and duty to be there without apology and without your mother. Don't let SD prevent you from doing the right thing, the dutiful thing, when you SO needs your full attention.
I sort of agree with the first two posts -- this isn't a social event for plus ones. I know how you feel -- I disengaged from my SD two years ago and the only time I will ever see her again is at the next family funeral. I absolutely dread the day.
It will be awful, but sit with SO, keep your head down and your mouth shut. Whatever happens there, no matter how bad it is, do not react. You can fight like cats and dogs about any ugly scenes after the funeral, but keep it together that day. Your SO will be grateful for you giving in on this one.
This is the unfortunate price we pay for having someone in our lives. And who knows? Maybe it will be nothing worse than awkward.
Since SO wants you there you
Since SO wants you there you should go but leave your mother at home if she wasn't invited. A long time ago I went with a boyfriend to a funeral as support. His friend died, I met the friend a few times but I was really an aquaintance. There was the service where we sat and listened to people talk and watched the slideshow of photos. It was a closed casket but people still went up afterwards to pay their respects.
The time after all the presentations when everyone is mulling around is when it could get wierd and you could get pushed out or snubbed by SD. It really is a very social event, sometimes kids are running around and there may be refreshments afterwards depending on the venue. This could be a time you go off and mingle, meet those people *dying* to meet you, share a memory or listen to someone about dear old dad. Mentally prepare yourself, don't react if SD is rude, just turn your attention elsewhere. You've got this!
Thanks everyone!
Thanks for all the varying responses. It's always good to get different perspectives.
SO and my mom know and like each other. I think his initial reaction to me bringing her is that he thought I was doing it to avoid being around him when its the opposite I'm trying to achieve. He wants me there and I want to be there for him. My mother's presence does two things: 1) gives me a sense of comfort in an awkward situation so I can be better able to support SO, 2) SD is more likely to behave herself and be polite in front of my mother (I hope).
A third major reason is that SO should be focused on SD, SS and his mother. SO only has two 'sides' to divide among three people. It's for this reason that I will not be sitting in the family section during the service. We decided on that last night.
I'll let you all know how it goes. Hopefully SD will not do what Murphy's Law described.
I didnt think funerals needed invitations
It is very sad about SO father and in a perfect world everyone would be grieving and there would be no room for stepdrama but thats not always the case.
Where Im from a funeral is a public kind of event. Co workers ,friends of the people grieving and whoever are free to come and pay their respects to either the person who has passed or to a family member of the passed. I dont think its odd for your mother to come for the funeral to support you or to show respect to your SO who she knows and likes. If shes going in looking to cause drama with a chip on her shoulder then no.
In a perfect world it would be how everyone else here is saying. Youre there for your SO and your SD would be more concerned about getting through her grief and acting appropriatly.In my experience funerals can be as big a source of drama and snubbing and little games as a wedding can be. My in laws are the worst of the worst so maybe Im alone in that but I have had many many uncomfortable experiences at funerals in my DHs family from snubbing to outright rude comments to "forgetting my name " or "calling me the BM name" .
Be wary of people "dying" to meet you according to your DH. AGain this was my experience but yes they were anxious to meet me until SD got ahold of them or BM made a random call and fixed that. ANd these were extended family like great uncles or cousins that didnt have much doings with my DH or his ex in the past or SD. I have been with my DH for 22 years and BM was with him for 7 and was not even around when their marriage ended. She cheated on him with his best friend married and had a kid with him but later divorced but I am still treated like garbage. BM has BPD and has been on a smear campaign for decades and has won at this point
. I would have loved one person that was 100% support for me and my DH even because your SO is going to be grieving and paying attention to hs children. Its all up to how low you think his SD would stoop at a funeral. My in laws and SD and BM find a funeral to be the perfect venue for games.
Im not sure about the seating thing. Maybe sit with SO if theres a church service but have your mom close by for the social part if there is one such as a wake beforehand or a luncheon afterwards.
Do not abandon your position
Do not abandon your position on your SO's arm. Mom can sit on the other side of you. No one will likely notice and if they do.... so what?
Be there for your SO.
Mom is widowed?
Unless I am reading this wrong, mom is now widowed, and you would not let her son sit next to her. I dont think OP should have to sit in the rear, but this is not right either.
No, what I meant is that the
No, what I meant is that the OP's mother can sit next to the OP while the OP sits next to her SO. The OP's SO's mom of course should have his arm as well.
Sorry for the confusion.
Even I am not that callous and evil.
Still disagree
Dad should be there for his mom and his kids, the grandchildren of the decesased.
And OP should be there for
And OP should be there for her SO IMHO. My FIL passed in late June of this year. I would have been at my bride's side at his memorial service if I had not been drafted to write and MC his celebration of life/eulogy. My wife was on her mom's arm and at my MIL's other arm was her sister (my wife's aunt). Our son was on his mom's other arm. My wife's three sibs were with their families distributed around the venue. No one ever discussed seating locations other than that my MIL would be at the front. The rest just kind of happened. No drama, no muss, no fuss, no bother. And if there is any drama to be found.. this crowd (my IL clan) would dredge it up in Spades.
That these things ever are a thing is mind boggling to me. SOs are together. It seems so simple.
As do most things. Why complicate it with jockying around seating arrangements, etc...? The deceased's son can most certainly have his own mother's arm, and should. The kids... well... daddy only has so many sides for people to sit next to.
Shift in the details
Well, the issue of whether my mom should go or not is resolved. My SO's mother rented a limo to take the family to the graveside service and she indicated she wants me in it. If she is making a place for me, there's no way I'm going to refuse her. This means I'll likely sit in the family section. My mom has opted not to go which is fine. I'll have to put on every piece or armor I have and put a lock on my mouth in case there's passive-agression from SD again. I can do this . . . I can do this . . . I can do this.
You can do this.
You can do this.
I have zero relationship with my middle aged SD and will not see her again unless it's for a funeral.....either DH's or someone in the family. I want to be there to support him if it is one of his siblings. SD will likely resort to her usual histrionics thinking everyone wants her to give a speech. All you can do is ignore it and stay by your SO's side. Support him; ignore her.
Whew!
I'm happy and relieved to report that the funeral went far better than expected - if such a thing is possible in such a sad situation. The first 15 minutes were excrutiatingly awkward for me because she was of course right next to her dad who was further surrounded by family and friends. (As a reminder, I haven't seen her since the incident this summer and SO says she knows why I don't come around.) I stood in line to make my way forward to hug MIL and SO. I said hello to SS but SD was talking to someone so I just went and sat down and watched the nice video they had of FIL. But then we all wound up mingling and I made it a point to speak to her first in a kind way and ask how things are going with college. She was nice so I was nice and the rest of the day went smooth to the point when we returned to MIL's house, I had to go upstairs to make a phone call. SO, SD and SS followed me up a few minutes later after I got off the phone and we all just hung out, laughed and had a nice time.
Are we 'healed'? I wish. I think everyone wanted to be on their best behavior because of the situation. But it's a good step in the right direction and I'll take it - with my heart guarded and my words friendly.
It feels so good to have a
It feels so good to have a decent interaction with a difficult SD, doesn't it? I remember how hopeful I used to feel after that happened.
You did well! I hope it works out for all of you.
Keep it simple
SO asked me at dinner last night how I thought everything went with his kids the day of the funeral. I simply said I thought it went OK and that I did my best. I left it at that. I didn't want to talk it up or down. I'm practicing not saying anything at all unless it's positive.
Safe side
Ya, better to stay safe just in case DH comes back with, "Weren't they great? How about giving them a chance?" Go as slow as you feel comfortable with.
I thought OP's decision to
I thought OP's decision to bring her mother was appropriate. Glad everything went well.
Considering that is.