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Dinner with SO and his daugher tomorrow night

LilyBelle's picture

Submitted by LilyBelle on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 1:28pm

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Adult Stepchildren

Our "fasting from each other" started the day after Easter.

We're not seeing each other or speaking unless it is to arrange getting together with the two of us and his daughter in the same room, which will only be productive if he's establishing with her that he's with me and will not tolerate disrespect from her toward me.

For those who are new, I am not married, and SO wants to plan as if we are going to get engaged and get married. At one point, we were considering marriage this summer. I told SO that I will not commit to him or move forward with him until a resolution is reached regarding his adult daughter (29), who has basically been his mini-wife and has created several scenarios forcing him to choose between us. (SO and her mother divorced when she was 2 weeks old, she has no memory of them living together). And we are "taking a break" for a month, to give him time to think and process the situation. So, I don't care if she likes me or not, I just don't want her to treat me as if I have a target on my back just for her. I don't have this dream of a perfect family.... but it is not OK with me to be disrespected.

So, SO went from, not confronting her and saying "just give her time, and she'll come around"... which to me seemed like condoning her behavior.... to intentionally having conversations with her.

I have asked that he not talk about me and our relationship to her, because her issue is not about me, it's about the fact that he's got a serious relationship with anyone, and he's trying to follow that. It is difficult since I am the woman he loves.

So, he has told me that she's shared with him her insecurities, and that she recognizes that it's not me, but she's afraid of losing her dad. She said he doesn't spend as much time with her as he used to because of having a relationship, and he says he called BS on it and pointed out that he's called her many times and she turned him down. Then she said, "Yeah, but you're not available on weekends." and again he called BS, reminding her of times he called her to try and make plans but she wouldn't. He finally acknowledged to me that what she wants is for her Dad to be sitting home alone, waiting for her to call him as a plan B when plan A doesn't work out. He's always dropped everything and been available for her at the last minute, and now he can't be because he makes plans with me. I do live about a 90 minute drive from him, so many times he comes to spend time with me, and we have a date night, but he stays and sleeps on the futon, and also spends time with me and my kids and goes to church with us... so when he has plans with me, he generally is away from his home the entire weekend.

So, tomorrow, my daughter (16) and I will be where they live, and he has asked us to meet him and his daughter for supper. I'm fine with that as long as it is a friendly dinner.... after all, his daughter's fears and anger aren't about me, they are about her being dethroned as queen in her Dad's life and returned to her correct position as princess. If she realizes this and wants to get to know me, I have no problem as long as she is civil and not ugly....I am a very open person, and very secure.... If she wants me as a friend, I could be a blessing to her, but if not, that's perfectly fine. I don't need her approval. SO would like her to get to know me and give me a change, but she can't get to know me if she's never around me. So, I am going, but I'm driving separately, and if any ugliness begins, my daughter and I will leave.

So, any suggestions for this dinner?

LilyBelle's picture

Submitted by LilyBelle on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 2:09pm

Blue- good suggestions!

The one time I've been face to face with his daughter, we had dinner, and sat at a booth, him beside me and her across from us. I usually prefer to sit across from him.... so that we are looking at one another, but we intentionally arranged the seating that way. So good suggestion to pre-plan the seating so the daughters are together.... a lot can be communicated without saying a word.

Hadn't thought of the walk, but that is a great suggestion! I know the perfect place!

FeuilleMorte's picture

Submitted by FeuilleMorte on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 2:26pm

All I can say is that you are a consistent voice of calm and sanity here -- if anyone can navigate this difficult situation, it's you. I have no advice to give you that you have not already thought of, but I'll be thinking of you, and waiting to hear how it goes. Good luck, amiga!

LilyBelle's picture

Submitted by LilyBelle on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 2:31pm

Thanks for the encouragement FM!! I really love this man, and I believe we can work things out.

LilyBelle's picture

Submitted by LilyBelle on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 4:00pm

Poodle,

I teach in a virtual school, and my daughter is a student in the virtual school, and we normally work from home. We have to go face to face for state testing- her to take the test, me to administer. So my daughter and I have chosen to stay in a hotel for 3 nights, rather than drive back and forth every day. It comes out evenly financially, and means I dont' have to drive 4 hours a day for 3 days in a row, and also I don't have to leave the house at 5:30am to get to our test site, and have her already exhausted before we test.

So, we are going to be in the city where SO and his daughter live.... which is why he suggested the dinner this week, since I'm there anyway. If my daughter was not comfortable going, of course I'd let her stay at the hotel, and I'd just bring her dinner. However, she likes the restaurant we are eating at, and we don't eat out often, and she loves SO and has missed him during this time of being apart from one another.... so she wants to eat out, and she wants to hang out with him. And since it's not a date for us, there's no point in not allowing her to come.

If she weren't going to be there with me anyway, I wouldn't necessarily bring her.

Poodle's picture

Submitted by Poodle on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 4:32pm

This is an added bonus for your situation then, because you all will have that "third thing" to talk about, which is the reason you guys are in town. That's a real plus as it lightens up the whole atmosphere. Great, a real defuser. Keep us posted as to what happens.

LilyBelle's picture

Submitted by LilyBelle on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 4:42pm

yep, I'm gonna be prepared with lots of interesting things to talk about. I would like for this to be just light, polite conversation... and if anything confrontational occurs, I will leave. My daughter does not need to be exposed to that.

she worked at that big golf tourney two weeks ago, so I can ask her which celebrities she met...

There's the whole testing thing.

Also, a lady whose family is friends with both our families passed this weekend. Funeral is tomorrow and I can't go, but SO is going, so we can reminisce about our wonderful memories of her.

She likes to cook, so I can ask her about recipes she's tried recently, or share some I've tried.

Summer vacation plans... the beach is calling my name!

And they went to see The Hunger Games yesterday... so did we, so we can talk about that....

I have a little post it note with conversation topics in my purse!

ItAlmostWorked's picture

Submitted by ItAlmostWorked on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 9:48pm

Sounds like it will be a great dinner if SD is just open. I wish you all the best-you have a great attitude and are doing all you can for this to go well. Can't wait to hear about it.

Smile

EnglishRose17's picture

Submitted by EnglishRose17 on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 4:52am

You sound so calm & reasonable Lilybelle, and so much of your situation is the same as mine...I will be interested to see how it all pans out...Re the spending w/es together and SD25 complaining thats my exact scenario, and mini wife sometimes gets her way, having daddy/daughter w/e time without me spoiling it...as her seeing him every monday which is writen in stone "isnt the same".......!

Anyway i digress, hope you get the result you want & his daughter behaves appropiately, im still being told that SD says "Daddy i feel uncomfortable around English Rose but i may be ok one day"... :sick:

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 10:58am

I was given the old, "Sandye doesn't make me feel comfortable" BS for 20 years. I can't believe I was too blinded by the blame game but finally I asked DH for specifics - he could not come up with one. I then told him that I could give him specifics about incidences, and many of them, when they have made ME feel uncomfortable in my own home and when visiting them. We live by this horrible double standard. But as Stepaside wrote, we are the ones that allowed this to happen. Too often we get caught up in the 'If I just be nice, eventually they will like me' BS that seems to be shoved down our throats by common social views and guilty DHs. Thank goodness I found this site!

LilyBelle's picture

Submitted by LilyBelle on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 3:03pm

Yep, the behind my back stuff gets on my nerves.

I have told SO that he is not to discuss anything about me with her. And when he told me about her "not being comfortable" last time, I cut him off and said, "she is an adult, and if she is uncomfortable with me, she can discuss it with me. It's not your job to be our intermediary." And when he kept on trying to tell me about I said, "Why are you telling me this? Are you trying to hurt me? Do you get off on feeling like your daughter and I are fighting over you? I don't have a problem with her, and if she has a problem with me, she can be an adult and talk to me." Then he said he doesn't like her saying those things about me and I said, "stop telling me about it, and talk to her. Y'all have a problem in y'all's relationship, and y'all need to leave me out of it."

LilyBelle's picture

Submitted by LilyBelle on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 2:57pm

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone!

I am being very careful to avoid appearing to care much about this dinner at all.... my daughter and I have to eat, we're here, it's no problem for us to eat with SO and his daughter. SO took a while to "convince" her to be willing to "give me a chance." and when he told me, "she implied that she might be willing to open up to you one day" I told him, "well, I might decide to open up to her too.... she's not doing me any favors by opening up to me- she has nothing to add to my life. If she weren't your daughter, she would never have a chance to be around me again because I don't choose to be friends with people who treat others rudely, but because she is your daughter, I will tolerate her if she plays nice." How's that for turning the tables? So after that the first time she called and had time to have dinner with me and her Dad, I turned her down, because I had previous plans. This particular dinner has been planned around my work schedule, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I am definitely not trying to get her to like me at all. I don't like her. However, I will show the same decency and respect to her that I show to everyone, and I will tolerate her only if she shows common courtesy. My goal is not to like her or get her to like me. My only goal right now is to find out if SO is capable of putting me first in his life (as in first priority among people in his life... as in GOD first, spouse second,etc)..... this is not negotiable. His habit has been to put her first, because he didn't have a Lady in his life... he didn't realize how hard that habit would be to break... so all I want to know is does he have it in him to break it?

I will be using all my professional skills to pay close attention to body language during this dinner.