Those are some good questions. My SO and I are finally getting married after 3 years of living together. I know, crazy but we just never could set a date that seemed to be free of other family drama ie. me fighting for full custody of my kids and ss18 living with us for a year, etc. but then just when we set a date all the drama falls on us like balloons at a party. I am doing my best to wade through the drama with my disengaged hipsters on but there are days where it's hard to focus on the wedding and not get dragged into the skids drama and crap. Over the past year I have been asking and we've been discussing some of your questions with each other. I feel like SO and I are a lot more on the same page then my exh and I ever were!

I think you have a great list there already! I would add, how are we going to handle conflicts. How are you handling them now?
Are you going to get a pre-nup? I would discuss all debts/liabilities you have in greater details than even assets.

I would be most concerned about the will, trust or prenup. That's how I got screwed. I would really suggest a prenup that feels fair to you.

sorry, I double posted

Hi Lilybelle. Nice to hear your news. Your list:

Under what circumstances would an adult child be allowed to live in our home?

-- I would say they are welcome to stay there til end of college, but }:) that's cos I know you have a younger teen daughter and the potential SD is 29. But it seems reasonable, with after college, your daughter being assisted over a sensible period agreed with her in advance, to find independent living. If you don't do that then you are vulnerable to SD29 looming.

What are our expectations about money and budgeting?

-- we each have our own accounts but we have a household joint account too. Budgeting we do jointly. We agree that a certain amount is to be spent on kid presents for regular celebrations and subs occasionally. This is equitable. This is not a problem for us. Keep it all in the open from the outset is my view, then you can't be tricked. I agree with other posters that a prenup is the most civilised way of managing marital finances these days. Wills also, essential in any event for anyone. And life insurance.

How much help will we give my children with college?

-- I would say that if I had a child who was not DH's I would not expect him to pay a bean. That's a matter for you and BF.

How much time is reasonable for us to have special mom/kid or dad/kid times with our kids?

-- I'd say once per week for your SD29 from what I've heard, don't know what you want for your own kids. Yours are younger. I'd say this might be same in a nuclear family with teens, is always nice for each parent to have special times. I'd say this should be flexible and not according to a rigid timetable but should pan out at that rate.

How would we expect holidays to go?

-- I'd say you should start by stipulating it's you guys alone whilst you see how your offspring acclimatise to the new constellation of your partnership. You can then later include them by invitation ad hoc.

Would we go to social occasions such as weddings, graduations, etc if our spouse was not welcomed?

-- Personally my view is yes. I do not feel horrified by my skids not wanting me at their things, I don't even regard it as disrespect. They know I'm not totally adoring of them and am happy to go to their things but can do without, and they invite or don't invite me accordingly. For example YSD did not invite me to her graduation because there were only sufficient tickets for parents and GPs -- no offence. She later had a big art show where I and a best friend of mine feted her with DH and she loved it. My SS had a ceremonial gig where BM told him that, despite the fact that she was not going, I was to be banned. This was after inviting me and wimp SS felt obliged to disinvite me, apologetically. I know there will be roars of rage from others but, do you know what? I didn't mind his behaviour (though I despised it, and DH's inaction), so what the heck. Life's too short. If they want to make dramas, let it wash over you -- you're not there to be affected, by definition. Why force people who hate you to pretend to like you. It's bullying them IMHO. Let them prance.
But, if the spouse in any way compromises one's honour in listening to abuse of one whilst there or whatever, that is a nono for me.

Now some extra thoughts from me:

Regarding inheritance, you have to decide what you are actually going to tell the kids at all. I'm toying with revealing nothing of our intentions until we're actually gone. This in my view avoids grief and sets a boundary for anyone forming greedy/invasive expectations.

Regarding illness in your old age, you have to think as time passes how you will deal with this in terms of whether kids will be involved in care and nursing, what role they will play in such matters, funerals etc.

Regarding the BM, you have to be realistic about her position now and any expectation of that changing. Now I know that in your case the BM looms rather large. It's fair to say in my case that the BM wholly and utterly ruined my marriage. Therefore, in my case, she is nowhere. I know she may occasionally FB or email my DH about the skids, but he does not get too close to her and tries to fob her off politely for skids' sake. That's fine by me. If she phones here (which she did once at a party we held at Christmas, pretending she wanted to speak to the skids) I say nothing but quietly leave the phone lying in a drawer. DH is fine with me doing this. She is totally dead to me. This is not easily achievable with certain DHs and as said, you cannot expect the impossible if the relationship is different. Be aware that, should you marry, the BM in your situation who may previously have seemed under control, may have a terrible, long-drawn out, spiteful and manipulative reaction into which she will suck your SD. Be very concerned about this and try to gain intelligence to see how much of a problem it could be.

Regarding communications with your SD and BM, think how open this is to be left. Is the norm with you that DH would have passworded email? Would he share texts? At my age and stage I would not expect myself and DH to share this kind of info but there is nothing more painful than snooping round secretly in another person's mail. You have to be honest with yourself and examine what you think you might do in this area and why. You will probably already be at the delicious stage that you do not care about all that anyway. I am but it took me a while, after feeling betrayed I did snoop. One does see the worst part of oneself too.

I do think as you do not plan to have children together (am I right?) that you can afford to take a very long time being engaged, so do string it out, and enjoy. If and when you do decide to marry, I would not involve any of your kids as a matter of policy at the ceremony, but involve all and sundry at a big party later to celebrate.

First of all, as another poster brought up today, set boundaries BEFORE the wedding - for both SD and DH. She must respect you as DH's wife, and he must insist on it.

Under what circumstances would an adult child be allowed to live in our home?

If they are in college they must have equal responsibility in house maintainance. They must also allow a certain amount of privacy for you and your husband.

What are our expectations about money and budgeting?

Pre-nuptual agreement, separate personal accounts, one joint account for living expenses. Make out a will to ensure you retain your home in the event of a death and there are no legal reprocussions.

How much help will we give my children with college?

As much as you give to his children, unless he agrees to it.

How much time is reasonable for us to have special mom/kid or dad/kid times with our kids?

Once a week is plenty if they are adults, and only when it does not interfere with your joint plans.

How would we expect holidays to go?

Share time with other realtives. SD can spend one Christmas with you, then the next with BM. Let DH purchase gifts for his family (including Skids), and you purchase for your family. One thing to watch out for, and I've experienced this: If you start getting cheap, tacky gifts from skids, do not continue to exchange gifts.

Would we go to social occasions such as weddings, graduations, etc if our spouse was not welcomed?

It depends on the occasion. You should always be included in 'family' events. At a weddings or graduations, you should seated next to your husband unless you do not wish to attend. Several of the posters on this site have been told they are not welcome to accompany DH. DH must inform them you are a couple. Period.

I thought my answer was posted here, but maybe I posted it somewhere else - sorry if someone got my answer and it doesn't relate to your question. :O

Anyway, not only would I ask a lot of questions, I would WATCH your future spouse.

They can give you any answer they know will make you happy, but this doesn't mean they will then do it.

WATCH them, see if they are responsible, mature, can have empathy towards others. Are they consistent in how they behave maturely or do they vacillate a lot. How do they handle money, do they show healthy boundaries with their kids and others?

Have they shown a willingness to make needed changes and to own up to their part in a situation that is unhealthy. Do they fight making changes that are needed - always having excuses - blaming others for their bad behavior or poor decisions. Are they manipulative through charm, sneaky, can't "say what they mean and mean what they say" they are overly concerned with pleasing others - making a good impression.

As the saying goes "Actions speak louder than words."

Good luck.