I feel your pain!!! I hope you benefit from my very similar experiences. First of all, you and your husband need to give this loser a date when he has to be out of your house. Trust me, he will do NOTHING to prepare for that but you have to stick to your guns. My SS34 is with us until 10/01/10 and is now working. However, he is not saving hardly anything. That's his problem... if he ends up living under a bridge I'll be able to live with that. Your SS will be the same way, if he even gets a job. You both need to realize that he will continue to use and abuse you as long as you let him. He doesn't want your help. He wants you to support him without contributing. Get him out as soon as you can. And STOP giving him money. That's been another issue with my SS34. He thinks he can blow what he earns and we will take care of his phone bill. Not going to happen. He actually sold his blood a few weeks ago just to pay the phone bill because he went out partying and blew his money. You and your husband don't owe him a thing.

One thing you need to know is you are not alone in this!! My SD doesn't live with us, but she has almost ruined our 5 month marriage. Yes, 5 months!!
You should try to disengage from him. I know it will be tough with him living in your home, but believe me, it does really help. When people suggested that and I did it, I was "free" from the drama and crap!
Also, at 29, shouldn't he be out on his own? I know that SD had better NEVER ask us to move in here because I will move out immediately if she did.
Take care of YOU!! Do things to make yourself feel amazing and better! Let DH deal with his son and try to stay out of it.
My H feels he has to choose too. They will always choose their children but if you disengage, your H may see what his son is doing. I know my hubby sees what his daughter is really doing now. He supports me and we are working on US and his relationship with her is seperate.
I too ended up in couseling because I was told by SD and H that I was "psycho" and that I had an anger management issue. I don't but the outside help did work.
I know I am all over with this post, but I hope it helps a bit.
Keep your chin up and step away from the drama!! You will feel better!!!

It's time for sonny boy to move on! You folks are really scaring me. I have a SD (27) and I thought her living at home at that age - without any concrete plans or being excited about moving out - was pretty pathetic. But to hear stories of a 29 and 34 year old still living at home is downright ridiculous.

Martha, it is indeed time for your SS to move out. He's a grown man, and should be leading his own life. You and his dad are crippling him to be dependent on you for the rest of his life. DH needs to put his foot in his behind and tell him it's time for him to work full-time, and starting saving so he can get his own place. DH needs to set a deadline for him to move out and stick to it.

Also, why should you get counseling for HIS son? As far as I'm concerned, he's DH's problem not yours. Get a plan to get this loser out of your house and work on saving your marriage. Also, disengage as much as you can. Life is too short to be unhappy and again, this is not your son. Let DH deal with him and his issues going forward. Focus on you and making you happy.

In my case, if my SD isn't gone by her 28th birthday, I'm leaving and I've told DH so there won't be any surprises. Of course she claims she'll be gone before then, but talk is cheap. This girl has an advanced degree and no excuse - but this is what you get when you cripple your adult children - no motivation to move forward and become independent adults.
I didn't marry DH to be relegated to live with his lazy, pathethic daughter and her foolishness the rest of my life because I deserve much better and so do you!

Good luck!

I was a happy 50 yr old single mother, I adopted my oldest grandson as a baby. I also have 3 grown daughters. I had a good job, 2 homes, two trucks and all my bills were paid. I met this great man and gave everything up to move 5 hours away to start a great life with this man. In July we married and his 29 yr old son moved in about August. He works full time and spends every minute he is not at work playing his xbox online. He is lazy, selfish, rude and it is effecting my 13 yr old and my husband and my marriage. He is a slob and lies everytime I ask him something.My husband says he will never turn his back on his kids but there is a difference in turning your back on him and fully supporting himand enabling him to act the way he does. He even drives my husbands truck and will not buy his own. He said he just wanted to stay until he is caught up on his bills but spends more than he is paying off. I have already told my husband he moves soon or my son and I do. I can not subject my well manored 13 yr old to him for long. I want him to make something of himself when he grows up not a bum. AmI wrong?

I really know how you feel and im going through a rough patch myself with the stepson who is 19.
My stepson stole of me on my birthday and then raided my account whilst i was on holiday, i was so upset and his father did nothing about it, I overheard his father ask him to apologise to me and my stepson said " why should I " I was very hurt because i have done so much for him yet he just keeps stealing and lying.
It caused many rows in the house and I moved out 4 times in total over it, he also compares me to his mother all the time and puts me down, his mother told me she cant stand having him around because he steals from her, the worst thing for me is my partner wont deal with it and makes excuses for him, he runs around after him and gives him money whenever he needs it, my son lives with us too and he gets nothing, stepson also steals of him....... as it happened it got so bad a month ago that I told my partner I was leaving and not coming back unless the stepson leaves, i told my partner i would never stop him from seeing his son and i would help where i could ie washing etc, my partner agreed to this and my stepson has moved in with a friend a week ago, My partner paid for his board, the deal was that I would stay out of the relationship completely and then there would be no conflict, however yesterday my partner telephoned me and told me he was on his way to collect some clothes even though I had suggested we drop them to him the day before, i was really uncomfortable with him coming to the house and told my partner he had gone against his word and could we drop his clothes of to him later, my partner started to become hostile towards me and demanded I let him in, stepson banged on the door over and over until I eventually let him in, he then went upstairs and had a shower, he throw his clothes on the floor and left with nothing, i was furious, as he left he laughed at me, to him its a game, he has always caused problems and I really dont like him anymore...I dont think it will all be plain sailing in the future either because his father does nothing, his father is the problem here, I have 3 teenagers and none of them would treat me this way. my partner also told me that if his son moves out then my son has to move out too which is totally unfair, my son is living on a mattress at his brothers house, my emotions are all over the place and I feel totally alone.
Dont let this man walk all over you, the hardest thing ever is being a step parent

I am in the same boat as you are. I can be your shoulder to cry on or person to vent to!

More often than not, the person who issues the ultimatum winds up losing.
“He goes or I do” puts your husband in a situation where he’ll have to choose between his own flesh and blood and the woman he married. Talk about making matters worse. What I would do (and what I’ve been TRYING very hard to do) is to not bring it up anymore, but then do NOTHING for your step-son to aide him in any way.
Food is for you and your husband and any minor children living at home. It doesn’t matter if you have to go to the store on a daily basis, to have something on the table for yourselves, just do it.
Money gets locked up out of the way
If he leaves a glass in the TV room, leave it
If he spills on the kitchen floor, don’t wipe it up
If he has a different bathroom that he uses, don’t clean it
They call it “disengaging” around here and it takes some time, but eventually they get what’s going on. During this time, just resolve yourself that you’re not going to get upset/angry/frustrated about lack of help/support. Just go about your day to day business as if he didn’t exist.
Then, when the subject of the dirty bathroom, or dishes in the sink come up, have a calm, rational discussion informing your husband that since we’re all “adults” here, that we are all expected to pull our own weight.
(end of conversation)
THEN pick a particularly calm evening, to discuss the timeline that you think would be reasonable to expect the step-son to move out and let your husband deal with it. If he doesn’t then YOU should.

When the date comes and goes (it probably will) then cross that bridge when you come to it.

I’m getting ready to have the “when can we expect them to move” conversation. I’ll let you know how that turns out.

29 YEARS OLD??? Lets come back down to reality and dispense with the bulls**t. Where were all of us at AGE 29? I personally: 2 beautiful kids, married, home owner and also landlady,2 cats, w/ no help from either set of parents! And DH and I aren't in high paying fields. It was elbow grease and determination that ever got us anything. Oh yeah - and DELAYED GRATIFICATION AND DOING W/OUT. Tell this grown man freeloader he has a month. I wouldn't even ask my DH's "permission" at this point, just take the bull by the horns. Or you might have a 3rd person in the house with you when you retire! :jawdrop: Like I told another poster: "Don't argue, don't get angry, just stay strong and true to the woman you know you are" (And kick the moocher the f*ck out! ) Good luck and God bless.

Here is a good article I found on how to get your adult children to move out. http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Your-Adult-Children-to-Move-Out

Of course, if your DH has NEVER parented independence then he won't get independent. I think if the skids have been allowed to do nothing and it's Disneyland, move in, don't do any chores, then all of a sudden, be told to grow up and move out, it's always blamed on the stepmom. Obviously without you, skid would live there in perpetuity.

If it weren't for me, my house would be multi-generational for who knows how long, at least the next 5 -7 years. That would encourage SD to not work while being supported by both her BF and MY DH. That makes 2 sugar daddies. I would say it was the situation (baby involved) but she qualifies for welfare child care and could work every night since her BF has a day job. Plus she didn't work before she was pregnant, so there's not a strong case for "her situation makes her unavailable for work".

Holy Hell. 29? GET THE FUCK OUT!

My SD is a total failure who has lived a life of over indulgence and enabling on behalf of her parents. I'd move out if she moved in. My DH has said she will never live with us. She is enjoying causing stress and arguments in my marriage from afar. She's an hour away and she still is able to spread her evil like a flu virus. My DH and I only fight about her. She is almost 30 and can't take care of herself. DH used to give her $1000 a month. This stopped before we married. This is one reason why she hates me. Now her mommy and other family members fill her pockets full of money. Her baby's daddy is on the hook for child support which she spends on herself. She doesn't use it for the baby. She is a criminal and I am so happy that DH put his foot down and stopped giving her money. Now it's someone elses problem. She wanted to move in with us last year and DH said no but somehow, I was blamed by her as she said it was because I said no that she couldn't move in. Truthfully, DH said no before I had a chance to but I still get the blame but I don't care; let the spoiled b!tch think it's because of me. I only wonder though if DH told her it was me as he is so scared of displeasing her as he fears she will cut off all communication with her. Personally, it would be better for DH's mental health if the rotten spoiled brat stopped all communication with him. No parent should live in fear that their disrespectful spawn will have a temper tantrum like a 2 year old and cut off all communication. If psycho brat did this then she doesn't deserve to have such a wonderful father. Stupid brat. I can't stand her. I hope she goes far away where there is no phone service. Then DH won't have to be subjected to her barrage of abuse.

My husbands 2 adult sons are both living with us. This has been an issue for our 5 years of marriage, living with us, being kicked out then back in with us. Both sons verbally abuse my husband and threaten him to the point police have been called several times. They blame him for everything that is wrong in their lives. They are disrespectful. One will attempt to help out around the house once a month maybe. He tries to keep a job but his manic bipolar disorder prevents him from keeping one. The other does nothing and if he does do anything he expects payment for it! His idea of trying to get a job is laying in the bed watching movies. He is the worst person. He is entitled selfish and disrespectful. He actually told me it was my job to clean up after him and everyone else. Neither contribute any thing towards the household. They keep our basement destroyed. The one that does nothing also just takes whatever he wants around the house. I have to go looking for my personal stuff all of the time. I have my 11 and 14 yr old daughters that live with us too. I can't leave my daughter's at home ever when they are there. My daughter's can't stand living with my 2 adult step sons because of awful things one of them posts on Facebook all the time about all of us and they see how how disrespectful my step sons talk to me. My two adult step sons actually get mad at my husband for doing anything for my daughter's. They don't understand they are supposed to be adults, age 35 and 40, they get mad about Christmas because they get less presents! One got mad about easter baskets!!!!  I'll have to continue this later.

My 2 adult stepsons are jealous of the grandchildren (kids my daughters). My husband conceals and plays down the time we spend with the little ones because of their hatred. If we all spend time together say at Christmas one SS in particular sabotages outings, tries to make it all about him. They are in their 30s, pathetic.

First, I will say that my live in SS28 has, in the last 3 years turned around greatly but he almost drove my soulemat and I apart before doing so.  Until he decided to change it was similar but not as bad as your situation.  Arrogant, talked down to his mother, even sucker punched me once due to his anger issues which resulted in him living with his Bio Dad for a while. 

First, your husband needs to man up and set clear boundaries with your SS or No change will ever happen.  If he will not do this, then you need to divorce or agree to a living hell.  Second, set a clear time table and he has to have a full time job, help out or move out.  Even our Priest said (when he was at his worst ... no, never drugs and alcohol) that he had to agree to ground rules before coming back and the same priest counseled my wife if that means he winds up at the homeless shelter then visit him there but no more.

You did not beat his ass and then have him arrested after he sucker punched you?  Really?

smh

I absolutely agree with you that the OP's DH needs to man up, be a parent, and box in his son with clear and firm standards of behavior and performance with an escalating state of abject misery for non compliance. In an age appropriate manner of course.

Had similar situation. Violence is absurd. When police are called take advantage and file restraining order. Do not take no for answer, safety and security in your home is paramount.

Do not ever be held hostage to someone's insecurities and selfishness. 

Be strong