DH did not stand up for me
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My SD 21y/o said some horrible things to me what a terrible wife and mother I was and how she felt so sorry for her father having to live with me and how she is sorry he ever married me. I can not get over the hurt. She was here visiting this week and I barely spoke to her. I told DH what all she said and he did not say a word and did not defend me at all. I can not believe he would not even talk with her about it. Now he is mad because I did not speak to her can you believe it. What do you think it means if a Dh does not defend his wife?
I am so sorry. I am lucky my
I am so sorry. I am lucky my DH refuses to let my SD come in between us, he cut her out of our lives for what she has done to me and him also.
Your husband is caught
Your husband is caught between 2 women that don't get along. Typical step family issues. I know because I live them each day. You don't need your husband to validate what his daughter said and did. I learned many years to breathe and step back from the drama. It is very hard to do and takes time to learn the method. But once you stop engaging MOST of the time the energy they spend getting even with you tends to dissipate. My SD learned the only way her father was going to have a relationship with her was if she treated me with respect. It took some time, but she finally figured it out. PLUS my relationship with husband was better as I was not going around complaining about his daughter anymore...WIN WIN for all involved.
She's 21, she's an adult and
She's 21, she's an adult and not a little kid anymore. You can solve the problems you have with her. It doesn't have to, and shouldn't go through your husband.
I think you need to stand up
I think you need to stand up for yourself. If you wait on your DH to do it, you may end up waiting a very long time. You need to sit down with your DH and explain to him what's about to happen. That the next time SD is nasty, be ready, because she will get back exactly what she gives and then do it. If he heads SD off at the pass, you have no more nastiness to deal with, if he doesn't SD learns you won't be her victim anymore. If she persists in her war with you, DH gets to visit with her elsewhere and she still ultimately loses, she will see less & less of your DH, not you.
^^^This^^^ I used to hope
^^^This^^^ I used to hope and pray that one day my DH would set SD straight. I waited over 20 years. Never happened. I really think the DH should show the skids that his marriage is his prime focus, and he cherishes his wife enough to expect them to respect his wife. Unfortunately for me I married a man who did not have the courage (or the desire) to do this. I finally had to do the dirty work myself. I have never regretted it, but have to admit I lost a bit of respect for DH in the process. Now he can go visit SD without me - and she is not allowed in our home until he CAN set her straight.
So true ladies I can relate
So true ladies I can relate to what you are saying, my sd calls our home her home, thank you for pointing out to me that I need to handle this myself and not expect my dh to fight my battles, I also have disengaged about 8 months ago and it has been a freeing experience. All 3 skids have been badmouthing me for years to everyone who would listen now it is like it does not matter and it is nice not having to be nice and spend all my money on them anymore. They were here this past week and I barely spoke to her just hi and by and let her have alone time with her father and I stayed in the bedroom or was at work. I love this site, yall are so smart.
Mine didn't either and he
Mine didn't either and he heard about it in our counseling session. I said for him to stay the hell out of the argument my MIL and I had. He obviously was "torn" between the two of us.
Whatever. His mother is a sarcastic negative POS, let's face it. She didn't like what I said even though I told her so in her face. Apparently, I don't need to be defended by the apparent weakness of DH. If he can't stand up to his mother's crap, then it's up to me to fight my own battles.
What I can say to people, sadly enough, can make them not only cry but to make sure they don't screw with me again. I don't put up with anymore crap and I made that known to DH. Anymore crap from my MIL and I guarantee there will be nothing to hold my mouth back from putting her in her place.
Now I sound like an ***hole. I am not though...
You are so right I shouldn't
You are so right I shouldn't be hiding in the bedroom. I just feel more comfortable in there I don't have to see her face. I have a little secret I am a wimp and I am kind of scared of her. I can't believe I am telling you this. I am passive and hate to fight. But next time she comes to visit I will do what you say and see how its goes, very good advice.
Thank you I will give it a
Thank you I will give it a try. She does have power over me and she does feel like it is her house because she lived there before me. Great advice, I promise you I will do it.
You are trying to be a nice,
You are trying to be a nice, kind person and unfortunately that does not work when dealing with a rattlesnake.
NO ONE should tolerate abuse. NO ONE. What would you say to a woman who let a man beat her? Well I'm saying that to you - do not let this woman verbally abuse you.
You do not have to yell and scream. You can very calmly tell her that you do not care to hear her opinion of you as it is worthless. But if it would make you happy to yell and call her an effing c-word bitch - well then do that. But you really don't have to go to that extreme.
Tell your husband to keep her away from you. He does not have to defend you if he doesn't want to - maybe he just doesn't have the balls to do that. But she should never be allowed near you again - EVER.
Having her in your home - NO. Would you let a man in your home who beat the shit out of you? No. Well do not put up with this.
Tell your DH to see her without you. If he is not willing to do that then you have a much bigger problem. He may not have the balls to defend you but if he actually expects you to accept continuing abuse he is not a good man.
I hear the strength in your
I hear the strength in your words and I am so proud of yall. I want what you have, I really don't have anything to lose both sd hate me anyway. I feel my heart pound when dh tells me she is coming for a visit. I am mad at myself 12 yrs of kissing her butt and spending all my money on her trying to make her love me what a waste of time and energy. I wish I had found this site years ago. Please know how much I appreciate your time writing to me. I read every word over and over. I am so glad I have totally disengaged it has changed my life and mind, such a freeing feeling. I learned this from you guys. Thank you, I am so grateful.
Thank you if you can learn
Thank you if you can learn assertive tech so can I, I promise I WILL do it next time she comes. Yall are the best!!