It is possible, but your boyfriend is who you should really be looking at. If he enables them, allows them to treat him badly, or you badly....time to really think about things. You need to give it time to see the dynamics of his relationship with them, if you have not already.

If it really bothers you that they have nothing to do with their dad, you need to think, too. Because that may never change, and you will have to get used to it.

My DH has 3 young adult kids, ages 19, 20, and 23. They have hated me from day one, just as they hated 2 women before me. They pretty much hate everything,but they have made it clear they want me gone. My DH has a VERY strained relationship with them, because 2 years ago, he stopped enabling them, and they freaked out. They have never really been nice to him, because they are not nice to anyone. They are really awful, and I want nothing to do with them.

My DH is a wonderful guy, but if I had to do this all over again, I would not have wanted to be with a guy with kids. I do not have it nearly as bad as many on here, but DH's kids are always "there," even when they are not. My MIL is a big problem, too.

I would just proceed with caution, and see how things go.

its very hard...very very hard..especially when we r very sensitive to issues like these...and a bit of a control freak...

u gotta let it go! for ur own sake and ur bf.

DISENGAGE! thats all. protect urself from pain, resentment, betrayal etc...good luck!

I am also a very family oriented person but my husband's adult son is not my family. He was grown long before I met him.

I don't think it is possible to come in and be a "parent" to a step who is already an adult.

Quite frankly 18 and 20 year old young adults don't really have much use for "old people". They are not looking for friends their parents' age and certainly are not looking for another parent.

So I'm not sure what kind of a relationship you want to have with them. As long as they don't actively hate you that's about the best you can expect.

It bothers you to no end that your BF's ADULT children aren't interested in having a relationship with their father's GF?

If that is such a big deal to you, I'd say the relationship is doomed. However, if you really care about this fella, I'd look long and hard at why you feel like you "need" these adults to like you...
You could just as easily shrug your shoulders and enjoy your life. (That's what I do.)

I think the only thing you need to worry about is how holidays will be handled. For instance, if you get married...will he leave you on the holidays to go spend them with his sons? If they choose to not involve themselves in "family" functions, how will it afffect you? Otherwise, this is a new spouse's dream...

Those kids are pretty young, legally adults but still growing mentally with years to go.

You could disengage, that is not engage at all, see link below but then half the family stuff he does you'll be left out. Of course you can be with your family, say at Christmas, but if it one of their birthdays you won't be there.

Sometimes its money. In fact often its money. If you and your intended sit them down and explain how Living Trusts work and that every last penny that Daddy has will be in his living trust that might alleviate some animosity. As an example my wife and I co-own a house. Each of our Trusts has a unallocated 1/2 interest (ownership) in the home. When one of us dies the other can continue to live in the home but continues to own only 1/2 of it. When both of us are gone her children then will own their mothers 1/2. My child will own my 1/2. Any one of them can force the sale or any one of them can buy out the others.

If that doesn't do it then what has happened is they've decided you the bad person. To agree otherwise would be to admit they were wrong from the beginning and that's not likely to happen. If these children can't act like adults the situation will only get emotionally worse.

I'm in the exact situation as you and the advice on here is great. Sueu2, fantastic response! You summed it up so well in terms of what to consider when you enter into a relationship with adult kids. There is a lot to consider, including control, being excluded, and of course the role the father plays. Katie, how long have you been in this relationship, and what discussions have you had about this with your partner?

My best advice is that if your partner is not prepared to stand up to them when it matters, then I wouldn't bother staying in the relationship since it sounds like you really value family. My partner finally stood up to his kids saying he wouldn't come to Christmas without me. They rang back a few days later and invited us both.

Like others have said, it's absolutely fine if DH spends time with them without you, it's just not okay if you are deliberately excluded from significant events. If you choose not to go, that's fine and many on here do just that after years of putting up with hell.

Hope that helps!

If they are not interested in what's going on with you, why "should" you be interested in what's going on with them? They are adults. Why do you (we) have to be so much better, kinder, sweeter, more patient, then they are? Double standard? Sexist? I think it's just unrealistic expectations and I refuse to be held to them.

That part of my life is over.

At some point you have to accept things for the way they are . . not the way you'd like them to be. You can't change people, you can't make them like you, you can't make them be who you want them to be, and you can't give them a moral compass.

I don't care for SD because when she lived w/us and treated me like !@@. She told DH and I that she felt I was trying to take her daddy away . .which was pathetic. I'd be here all night typing all the evil things she did to me. So after I pratically pushed her out of the nest, we don't have a relationship. We're civil, and it's fine by me. Do I wish we had a relationship and were closer? Yes, but it didn't work out that way so I've accepted it. As long as I don't have to see her mug every day, I'm good. I too feel bad when DH mentions her, because I'm not concerned. It's like he's talking about a stranger.

The Bible says pray for people who you dislike and who have mistreated you. I feel it's because they are troubled and have issues. And this applies to SD.

Katie, how often do you actually see them? You said last Christmas and again this Christmas, is it once a year? My DH sees his kids once a week and I see them once a year which was fine til they asked me not to come for Christmas this year. DH put his foot down and said he wouldn't go if I wasn't invited. I don't want to see them all the time, I just won't accept being told I'm not invited somewhere, I find it very rude.

Had DH not finally said something I was ready to leave. He was making their behaviour okay by not saying anything.

How much time do you want with them as I have the feeling you wouldn't enjoy it much. But if your like me, it was the principle of never being invited that bothered me. But honestly the few times I did go along I wasn't missing much anyway.

Can it work? LoADED QUESTION! It's crazy how things work out but the way I see it is if the kids have not yet resolved their issues over their parents' divorce and the parents are not supportive of you then it makes the relationship with the children impossible. It is not about you at all, it is about them and the relationship they have with their parents. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say to amke things better as the game (the way they relate) is already set.

My husband and I have been married 20 years, husband had full custody of his sons from the age of 2 & 4, bio mom left. I became the full-time to these boys 3 years later but I became the target of all blame. Do they have any respect for anything I have done for them and the role I filled? No! It has been a constant strain on my husband and my relationship. I gave these kids my whole life and never stopped giving until recent years when I finally drew the boudary lines with all the lies, hatred and the game playing.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have as much trouble meeting adult children rather than had raised these kids but I read the stories are the same. What is the solution?? There is no good one as either the parent has to leave their children behind and move fwd without them or you have to put up with the crap.

I really hope for your sake you do not have to put up with the same as many of us here. Best of luck to you!