Divorce or Stay married, but live apart
I have not been on here lately, but long story short, the adult skids have taken over my space years ago. After 10 plus years I have had enough. DH thinks it is unreasonable to set boundaries, because I said yes to the package. Fair enough, but I am tired of sharing my space with them and their children. So I am considering giving DH an ultimatum. Ideally I would like us to stay married, but live apart.
So my question is would that work?
Is their anyone out there who have such an arrangement or would consider it?
How does it impact your relationship?
My DH would probably not settle for the above, but I just have to do something or I am going to go mad soon. Obviously either decision will take huge courage from me, but something needs to be done. Thank you for sharing your opinion. Needless to say I am desperate and will do anything really.
IMO, if it was minor children
IMO, if it was minor children living in the home I might consider living seperate until they turned 18. Only with the agreement at 18 they would live with BM, move out or go away to college.
Concerning ADULT kids, how is living seperate going to make any difference?
Are the adult children living in your home? If so they need to move out!
If not and your DH would rather live with his ADULT children and grand children than you I would make a permananet exit plan! Sounds like he has made his decision...
Sorry!
"If not and your DH would
"If not and your DH would rather live with his ADULT children and grand children than you I would make a permananet exit plan! Sounds like he has made his decision..." .... Now that is a real eye opener.
Skids never lived with us officially (for CS purposes), but it feels like they have. Now, its not just them its the grandskids and OH's as well. They are there much of the time. DH wants them around all the time. If they are'nt there he calls them to hear what they are doing and when he would see them. Even when it is just DH and me somehow we will either hear from or see skids before the day is over. They have a very good relationship with DH and I always felt as if I am being a douche bag for wanting them to go and get a life away from our house. DH really struggles with the fact that I dont feel the same way as him about skids.
You are so right. DH is not going to let me get away with not wanting them around all the time. He has made his decision. So I guess I need to make mine. Why do I feel so guilty for feeling this way? I feel like I am breaking up my marriage for no good reason. How do you get through to DH without making him feel as if he has to choose between me and skids? Its not even fair on him. I feel selfish but at the same time I have no choice. I am at the point where I would just let go of all the things that we have build up together over the years just for the sake of my sanity. Am I being insane?
IMO, there is no reason why
IMO, there is no reason why you should hear from or see grown ADULT children every single day.
It sounds like these grown children need to get a life!
Would your DH come to a compromise with you? How about inviting skids (families) over once a week for a few hours. DH agrees to not take any calls from them in the evening while it is just YOUR time. Would he agree to these conditions?
If he doesn't agree that you and him need some (alone) time together than you have to decide if you want to continue to live like this.
Sadly DH would never agree.
Sadly DH would never agree. He believes him and his kids relationship should always be spontaneous. Instead what he does is to make me feel guilty for not wanting the kids around all the time. He will always say how much the kids like me even more than their mother. BS! They are just making sure that the path to their dad's wallet is well kept. I see them as sly and manipulative.
ADULT SKIDS? I'd have
ADULT SKIDS? I'd have divorced his butt for this.
But to your question, Dh and I did it for half a year due to where my work and his work was, we were together on the weekends but apart on the weekdays. It's okay if you guys set rules about how the weekends are conducted, but we had a rough time because we didn't. He still worked (voluntarily) on the weekends so I didn't get to spend ANY quality time with him which upset me often and we had to make a change to full time living together.
I guess I only have myself to
I guess I only have myself to blame. I have let it go on for too long. Its too late to ask for changes now.
No it's not! Just put it out
No it's not! Just put it out there. This may have to be a "them or your wife" conversation but good Lord! These are not kids, they need to be out on their own. Have a deadline, offer to help financially, if you are able, for a deposit or something. It's not too late.
OMG Are you married to my
OMG Are you married to my husband????
One SK lives in our house with BF and baby....when they leave the house and I'm actually home, he is trying to find out when they will be back, and all that. I'm like, really, can't I just enjoy the quiet and nontoxic environment when they are gone? Skid hates me and purposely does things to piss me off, that DH won't notice. We don't even speak. I make more than everyone in the house put together and he still thinks I should put up with being treated rotten?
I have contemplated the same thing, living separate. But why should I give up my husband because they can't cut the cord? Like the last thing I wanted when I was that age was to spend time around my family...but I wasn't getting the free ride and the free reign of the house either, and I had ALL the chores to do where skid has NONE.
PS - that's bulls*t about having no boundaries since you accepted the package. That was 10 years ago.
DH has always tried to
DH has always tried to overcompensate when it comes to his children. I dont know why. He has always been in some kind of competition with BM to be the best parent. As such he gave in to there every whim. I never fell for it. He comes from a family where his brothers and sisters and all their children are very close. So here is me having grown up totally independant from my siblings and parents. Believe me I am struggling with this setup. DH says I am coldhearted and think I am an island. I beg to differ. I may have grown up in a small family but we had and still have a lot of love for each other. It does not mean that we have to crowd each others space. Nevertheless, I guess the differences in our upbringing is too damn huge for there to be a significant compromise on either side. Right now I know things will change and I cant say for the better. Thanks again for reading and sharing.
"Do -what will ultimately
"Do -what will ultimately bring you peace." ...... Oh absolutely! These words are what I am clinging to right now. I am not at peace at the moment. I have a lot of hatred (strong word, I know) because of the situation. I dont want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I am definitely having the talk. I'll just wait for the right time (if there is such a thing), a better time maybe. Thank you for the advice and encouragement. I am going to man up and stop fearing the unknown. Whatever happens I will be able to deal with it.
You are suffering from
You are suffering from over-saturation. I went through this with my first Husband's family and it was crazy. They would call or drop by anytime without notice, didn't matter what we were doing or what we had planned. Your DH does not appreciate the fact that you are not as enthusiastic about the skids as he is - you never would be. Did the 'package' you agreed to include such an invasion of your life? Maybe DH left a few things out so you bought the package.
It's time to give him a choice of more partner time or 'no' partner time.