Can I just frigging vent??
SS22 is staying with his dad and I while he goes to court and is awaiting sentencing for burglary and theft charges. He continues to bleed his dad dry of any little bit of cash he has. Dad still coddles him. We pay all of his bills now. He lost his car when he got arrested- he stays with us for free, we pay his cell phone bills, buy him groceries- a few days ago I filled the house with food and we still had to drop by Smash Burger to deliver food to his infantile ass. He is getting weirdly nostalgic now for his childhood- even tried to use his parents' divorce (when all 3 of them were adults) as an excuse for getting addicted to drugs and going on a crime spree ("everything I knew in my world fell apart"). He went out in the shed and dug through all the crap that was in storage- family photos with BM, baby blankets- was walking around the house with his baby blanket wrapped around his shoulders like a psycho (he is 6'1" and like 250 lbs), and put an old family photo on display in his room. He mopes around most of the time stressing out about the time he is facing...comes up from the basement to feed and stays down there zombieing out all day. Dad said he can't get a job because he will lose his public defender. I have had it up to here with him. He is a resource suck and an emotional vampire and I can't wait for him to go to jail for a long, long time. Ah, thanks I feel a little better.
When SS was in jail at about
When SS was in jail at about that age DH did not give him a penny. He wasn't bailed nor would DH or BM pay a fan in lieu of a short jail stay. If DH had done otherwise he would never have become my DH.
He needs to get busy
Sounds like SS needs something to occupy his mind. He can volunteer at the local shelter, engage in sports, or do household chores or improvement projects around the family house. The more physically demanding the better, so he won't have time nor energy to go around feeling sorry for himself and engage in these self pitying activities. Daddy also needs to get a life and either regulate his spawn or allow life teach him the consequences of his actions. Sounds like the boy is begging for a lesson. Perhaps the impending legal case will allow him to learn one if daddy isn't capable to rise up to the challenge.
I agree
I agree - the only thing that seems to be occupying SS's mind right now is himself. Please don't give this big baby a penny! OR allow him to stay with you when he gets out of jail. He needs to grow up.
Lol, my oldest sons dad is
Lol, my oldest sons dad is like this. Hes 32 and his parents have both passed and hes still like that. No matter what happens or what poor choices he made it was someone else's fault. Was he raised to have a victim mentality? Most of the people I know like that as adults had alot of sympathy and poor kid type attitudes from the adults around them. And the adults would excuse the behavior because they felt sorry for them.
He was raised by his criminal
He was raised by his criminal, drug-addicted criminal of a mother (she is currently wanted by authorities so she can’t go to his court hearings. She’d get arrested). And now dad feels guilty about the divorce...thats my guess.
Mind boggling
I don't get it, my DH has the same mentality, yet when it is about someone else's kid he doesn't seem to think it is OK to coddle an adult child. My niece is 19, her mother (my sister) is battling with an incurable disease and has a life expectancy of 6 months or less. Niece is a full time student, has two part time jobs. She recently needed a down payment for a car, DH suggested she can make some extra money working retail during the holidays, since school is out anyways. SS is 30, unemployed, BM pays his rent and his utilities, DH pays his food and provides spending cash. When I mentioned that apparent inconsistencies in values, DH pointed out that SS had a hard life, his parents were divorced. #facepalm
It sounds like you've been
It sounds like you've been more than patient with this loser SS. I would of tossed him out by now.
tell your DH that he is enabling his loser son by coddling him and that he will never be a decent citizen and contribute to society if your DH keeps bailing him out.
i'd have major concerns with this scum living with me: has he or will he steel from you or DH or anyone else in your home? Will he get violent? Is he recording your actions? Will he infect you or DH with some of the illnesses that some drug users come down with? What if he doesn't go to prison and gets a free card out?
If it were my home with my DH, I'd kick them both out before I'd let an adult child or step mooch of me and live for free in my home with no responsibilities. I'd tell my DH that SS has a deadline to get a job. If he can't meet that deadline well he is out. If DH wants to coddle him more, then he is out too. Maybe SS cannot and doesn't want a job because he cannot pass any required drug tests for a job?
good luck to you.
He is charged with like 9
He is charged with like 9 felonies, including violation of probation and bond, and it’s an aggravated burglary charge. So I would be shocked if he doesn’t get jail. Yes he has stolen from both his dad and me. And I have chewed his ass for doing that, for disrespecting me. I told him anymore stealing, criminal crap or drugs, he can get out. The only thing that makes me bite the bullet is that he will be going to prison. Not jail, prison. For a long time. I’m taking him to court in the morning due to work schedules, and him having no license or car.
"Can't get a job because he
"Can't get a job because he will lose his public defender"
This is, quite possibly, the most pathetic thing I've heard in a while.
Where will he live if he doesn't get a prison sentence? Because, there is a good chance that he will get a suspended sentence and probation.
Pathetic indeed. There is no
Pathetic indeed. There is no chance he is not doing prison time. 0% chance. We are talking about multiple charges and violations of probation and bond. Many felonies. He will likely be in maximum security.
You will have to be the one
You will have to be the one that cuts all ties for the enabling, and it gets ugly, before it gets better. My DH nor BM would not stop enabling . I cut the purse strings, phone usage, not driving our vehicles, and SS54 had to move out within 24 hours. He was mid 20's at the time, I decided I was taking control of our house rules.
With that said you might ask here for ways to accomplish it. Waiting for change just prolongs the problem. I have been thru it all , for years, with my SS54, beginning at the age of 16. He spent 15 years in prison and I still have to stand my ground, now that he is out. I have posted about this.
I am so sorry you are living this. Stay here. It is a long slow process. The wheels of Justice turn slow. Meanwhile, maybe we can help here.
So Sorry!
I want to thank you for your
I want to thank you for your kind response. I admire that you were able to be so firm in setting limits. The wheels of justice turn somewhat slowly, but the judge also just continued his hearing for the last time, bundled all of his new charges into one date, and February 11 is the big day. He is being arraigned. Because he has so many felonies and bond violations, and because he was chraged with a crime of violence, and he committted these crimes while still on probation from a 5 year-old felony, he will be doing time. And at the very least, it will give us a break A break from having to finance him, having to fight over him, and having him in our faces. And I can not wait.
As far as his dad's enabling- there is only so much to do when his son is in a cell 23 hours per day for years, But your story makes me think that I will be continuing to deal with stuff once he is out. Maybe after a break, a chance to regroup in our relationship and save some money, we will be in a better place to cope.
Sentencing can't come soon
Sentencing can't come soon enough. I hope he goes up the river for a good long time. While he is in.... move out of state. That is your best bet for purging this criminal man-baby from your life.
Good luck.
This is GREAT advice!
He probably won't be able to leave the state once he's released and is on probation. Better yet, if you are old enough, move to a 55+ GATED community where he couldn't live with you even if he (or your DH) wanted him to!!
Our criminal justice system
Our criminal justice system is so screwed up. Prisons are so overcrowded that way too many people get probation or sentences that are so short that they are ridiculous. And even when they go to prison they rarely have to serve more than a fraction of their sentence.
Unless a crime captures the public’s attention no one will really have to serve much time. So don’t count on his being gone too long. He’ll be back looking to sponge off of you again.