You are NOT the father! Paternity test
Every few months it gets brought up, or a comment made about my DH's oldest kid. When I first met my SS's I questioned it, and as I got to know my DH's family, his brother, mother and grandmother all have wondered the same thing.
I've heard all the stories from DH about his ex coming home with her underwear in her purse, the guys he phoned off random numbers from her phone, the love letters he found (I actually read one haha, barf)...etc. and he was suspicious about his ex and someone around the time she got pregnant with their first. He just recently questioned the suspicious male, and he never denied it but asked my DH "is that what you think?". So DH told his BF about that, who mentioned it to his wife, and now she can see "the link" between his oldest and the male in question.
I'm just asking if anyone has done a paternity test this late in the game and how did that go after? My DH is tired of it being a re-occuring issue, I'm tired of it being a re-occuring issue. Is it best to just find out and move forward (how I feel) or constantly question it? The reason this has come up, AGAIN now, is our second baby together was born this year and although he resembled my strong features he now looks exactly like my DH's second born when he was a baby, who everyone said our first baby together looked a lot like. This is all hair colour and eye colour aside because they are all different combinations, but their demeanor and physical traits are all a like, except the one.
WWYD?
If time has gone by
(in many states 2 years), and either he was married to the mother, or signed the birth certificate, it may be too late to do anything about his legal paternity. what do you hope to accomplish?
What would be the end game?
What would be the end game? Would he stop seeing the kid if it's not his? He won't be allowed to stop child support.
I guess I don't know who would benefit from this at all, and the kid would benefit least. Nothing like your family gossiping about your paternity behind your back.
Let it go. And DH needs to tell his family to knock it off, too. It's his son, for all intents and purposes.
He still and would always
He still and would always consider himself the father regardless of the outcome. He would still support and raise him.
It's just a re-occuring subject as life goes on.
It really doesn't have to be
It really doesn't have to be a recurring subject, and shouldn't be.
Can I be honest? It seems like you'd like to know that your kids are DH's only "real" kids. None of this is healthy for anyone. The time to question paternity was years ago, and he chose not to. So everyone needs to let it go.
Also, genetics are weird. It's entirely possible to have a child who looks like no one in the family whatsoever. So all of this talk about "strong" and "weak" features is just erroneous speculation and not based on any knowledge of genetics.
Of his 4 kids, 2 are mine, 2
Of his 4 kids, 2 are mine, 2 are his exes. He only has suspicions of 1.
OK, well - either way,
OK, well - either way, everyone needs to stop bringing it up and perhaps consider that he may very well be his son, but even if not, let it go.
Thank goodness for paternity tests
I would order a kit and do the test OP. At least you can tell your kids down the road if that one is no relation. I don't understand why people think it's ok to cover for a ex that scammed no only the DH but his family as well. Since you have kids you have just as much say in this. If DH doesn't want to do it you can do it on your own without the kids knowledge.
I used to be convinced that
I used to be convinced that my YSD wasn't may husband's child.. she was very different than her sister.. but when she became a teen she clearly developed a lot stronger resemblence.
I'm not sure who keeps bringing this possibility up.. but they need to stop. Your DH needs to tell them that the child is his and that is the end of any discussion.
You need to accept that as well..
Besides being a parent is more than just genetics anyway.. and your DH seems as though he considers himself the parent regardless.
If DH will always consider
If DH will always consider himself the child's father, he needs to shut down this re-occuring subject as life goes on. You, brother, mother, grandmother, best friend, best friend's wife, and anyone else involved in the speculation need to stop. DH is the (legal) father and will continue to act as such.
Stop before this speculation reaches the child's ears and has consequences for all.
The child will find out
The child will find out someday with this number of people speculating. Hopefully it will be when the kid is old enough to process the news.
If you know anything about
If you know anything about genetics, you would know that a kid does not need to look like a carbon copy of either parent for them to be the real biological parents.
Genes have a funny way of playing "roll the dice".
(Case in point: I don't look very much like either of my parents, but I strongly resemble my father's mother (my Gran) to the point I could be her double at the same age, with my father looking like his father.)
If your husband wants to settle this issue, he should get a paternity test.
However, what does this accomplish?
If your DH is on the birth certificate, he wont get out of his obligations to his son - whether biological or not.
To me, there is an element of malice rather than search for truth here.
Be careful how you and your DH play this, because the whatever the outcome, the consequences will be far reaching.
WWID?
To be honest, unless there was an urgent medical reason to do a paternity test, I would leave this alone.
Years have gone by and all this is going to do is alienate a child for the "sins" of BOTH parents: Mom possibly being a version of the town bicycle and a DH who chose to go along with possible infidelity and lies in the first place.
Re-writing history does not undo a stepchild.
If it is a re-curring subject, whoever brings it up should be told to shut up and mind their own business.
Outside of the parent or
Outside of the parent or presumptive parent, other people questioning the paternity of a child are at best nosey Parkers and at worst spiteful people intending to cause hurt or harm. In the case of a step-child, this seems particularly malignant to me.
I support the right of a parent or child to definitively question/know the parentage of said child via a paternity test if required, but anyone else should really mind their own business.
People "see" what they want to see: I was out recently with my husband, son and stepson. Someone remarked on how much my son looked like my husband (not biologically related) and how much my stepson looks like me (we aren't biologically related). Things are viewed/seen through a lens of personal bias.
Unless your husband wants to know, now after others are watering doubts in his head, please leave this alone.
I would insist on a Paternity
I would insist on a Paternity test if BM was forcing DH to watch the kids during the time she was getting CS for having them but refusing to take them, and DH had to work, so SM had to babysit all of them, unpaid, and when BM got the kids back she was being a Bi**&H to the SM at pick up.
Except in most (all?) states,
Except in most (all?) states, if he was married to BM and is on the birth certificate, then he's the father. He'd just be punishing the kid, not BM. He'd still have to pay.
Actually no, even the state I
Actually no, even the state I live in which is very pro BM allows a dad to relinquish paternity rights if it's established through courts. YES I have personal experience with this. My DH was advised by his attorney he could do so. That would mean no CS either....kind of like the other poster and the older child. That said, you have a certain time to act once you have knowledge of it...how they can prove that is 'tricky' though.
WHAT? You make absolutely no
WHAT? You make absolutely no sense and none of that is a valid reason for a paternity test.
I had to watch the skids, For
I had to watch the skids, For years, and I didnt get paid for it, because DH had to work, and BM refused to take them, but when he would go to court to reduce the CS, the kids would lie to the judge and say they were with BM. So he still had to pay, I had to provide unpaid care, and BM collected CS and spent it on herself.
Then she would be screaming at me and calling me a BI*&H and accusing me of stuff I didnt do or say to her kids. Then I needed to reduce the abuse of me by telling DH to file to establish paternity. Then we were done with her afair kid and I only had to take care of DH's kids while we paid BM CS.
Um, okay. That was YOUR
Um, okay. That was YOUR situation, OP implied nothing of the sort.
I was giving a valid reason
I was giving a valid reason for a paternity test. There are some valid reasons. Paternity test cut down on the times when BM would cus and scream at me in front of the skids, because she was no longer transfering her afair child back and forth to our house. It aslo kept her from extorting money from my DH on behalf of her afair child.
This father intends to still
This father intends to still be the parent.
That's fine
He can be father of the year. However many others are involved. The child has the right to get to know his real father, and that family. Genetics is another one. OP needs to be able to tell her kids, and yes the other family members. If the ex was having those kinds of affairs, and the kid doesn't look like OP's DH, or his family then I can see why everyone doesn't think the kid is his. It's like the Arnold Schwaarzenggar case. Very obvious that ladies son was his, not his father on the BC. Though he raised him and is still his legal father he was completely scammed though I would think he knew for sometime.
Yiu didn't HAVE to do
You didn't HAVE to do anything. You made the CHOICE to watch your husband's kids instead of making him get a sitter. You can't blame BM for the choices that you made.
I made the right choice to
I made the right choice to help my DH while he was slaving away to pay CS, because now that they are grown, I get to enjoy living with the best husband in the world. I have the best life! My POINT was there are some reasons why it is ok to get a paternity test- and this one was to get protection from an abusive person.
You don't have to justify
You don't have to justify this to anyone...that was a decision between you and your DH. IMO there are plenty of good reasons to do a paternity test...the dad will never ever be in the wrong for choosing to step away from a kid that isn't his-even if he helped raise it. It is 1000pct on the mother. Will the kid pay a price? Maybe-maybe not. They might go on to meat their real parent and establish a relationship. There are plenty of kids that pay prices for their parents actions....but the cost is NEVER on the deceived father for wanting to know the truth.
I believe every child should
I believe every child should know who their bio parents are as early as humanly possible. OR that they are adopted. It is hard to explain 15, 20 possibly 30 or more years of being lied to.
I also believe just because there may be a connections found on 23 and ME or ancestry that is NOT the green light to make contact looking for mommy or daddy.
A woman knows who she had sex with. To string along a man OR child is inexcusable. Really crappy when she was married and holds that info private too. . THEN add on top when the marriage ends poor guy and child is punished again by mom, possibly paying for another mans child is distasteful.
Everyone has different opinions on this subject. It appears I may stand alone in mine.
I know a kid who looks just like his moms 2 or 3rd husband (old boyfriend from many many years ago) AND the kid also looks like Moms that 2 or 3rd husbands nieces and nephews. BUT mom was married to another man during what would have been conception.
Someone was doing something with somebodies they should not have been. To the untrained eye it is easy to see who the kid looks like. It isn't the man she was married to before or who mom 'claimed' was the Childs bio dad. About genetics---when a child looks like the milk man and not hubby, well,,,,
Its wrong,,,,just wrong to lie.
Just my cents.
You don't stand alone. In my
You don't stand alone. In my OP, I wrote, "I support the right of a parent or child to definitively question/know the parentage of said child via a paternity test if required, but anyone else should really mind their own business."
Having been through a paternity dispute relating to my 19yo SS in this very year, I know first hand what happens when people lie. I have seen the damage, hurt and anguish caused when this happens. Therefore your comment on honesty cuts two ways. 1) Children deserve the truth about who their parents are. 2) People making allegations about incorrect paternity should also examine their motives in questioning paternity and be honest as to why they state what they do.
In the case of my SS, his Dad was his father and had always been. ExSD was being her normal bitch self and strung together just enough, BS, half truths and out right lies to claim SS was not IPOD-H's son or her full brother. Nice way to treat your own brother, mother and father. Even if I was indifferent to BM, not even I believed exSD's vicious crap. And... believe it or not, exSD is at it again with new paternity allegations at this very moment. It is hurtful to the people involved because it is so untrue.
All lies are wrong and cause hurt to somebody at some or other time. The general jist of what I read here from other posters is "put up or shut up". Constantly harping on a hurtful allegation is wrong, especially when it does not concern you.
This kid is like 8 or
This kid is like 8 or something. Too soon to open that issue, especially with just suspicion. You don't have to look like your parents to be genetically theirs. OP and the family are gossiping and should let it go. DH can decide when the kid is older enough whether he brings this up.
What does your husband want
What does your husband want to do? He has the right to do a paternity test, if that's what he wants to do.
He only has suspicions of 1.
He only has suspicions of 1.
With his suspicions.....were they enough to motivate him to take a paternity?
No, it wasn't so I'd leave this one alone. If he truly wanted to know, he would have taken the necessary measures to make it happen.
I think the test should be
I think the test should be run. For two primary reasons.
1. So family medical history can be determined for the Skid in the event DH is not the BioDad.
2. So DH can go after BM for fraud and extortion of CS for a child she knew damned good and well was not his yet she sadled him with the kid.
In the event that ihe is not the BioDad there is no need for DH to end his relationship as the father to the child. He is the child's father. However, he is not the child's BioDad.
BM should be confronted and destroyed financially, socially and publically for her manipulative crap and whoring around.
IMHO of course.
I have zero tolerance for this kind of crap. My XW was knocked up by a boyfriend when she moved out of our marital home and we started the divorce process. These types of people should have their noses rubbed in their characterless crap for life when they pull this kind of shit.
Even their kids should have a clear understanding of how despicable they are. In an age appropriate manner of course.
No judge will
order BM to pay her DH for the money he has put out for the child. There are documented cases, even one guy paying for like 12 years or something, but the court will not make BM pay a dime to OP's DH for the money he has spent on a child that is not his. I have read of father's trying this tactic, but none have been successful unfortunately.
So far. Eventually a judge
So far. Eventually a judge with character and balls will make it happen.
It can't happen soon enough IMHO.
THAT I totally agree on!
Either that or they need to start having paternity tests at the birth. It is ridiculous that this is allowed to happen. Meanwhile as a woman this can never happen because you can only have your own baby or someone else's when you're a surrogate haha. They need to change the system somehow!
I would leave it alone...
DNA gets way too much weight, in my opinion.
DNA does matter.
DNA does matter. Particularly when mom is whoring around and tries to stick the pregnancy on a man who is not the BioDad.
If my XW had attempted to nail with her OOWL crotch nugget from whoring around I would have tested the crap out of that kid. As it rolled out, she was knocked up when she moved out of your marital home. I did not know that she was pregnant and even if I had there was no way it could be mine. We had not been intimate in 9+mos.
The one advantage to a sexless marriage is being married to a cheating spouse. Getting saddled with a non related kid is easily avoided.
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I kind of want to get my SS tested. He does not look like the biological son of my boyfriend. He has his moms brown skin, eyes, and hair. My boyfriend has green eyes, fair skin and hair that has changed from blonde to brown over time. When he was a child, he looked nothing like his son. His son is supposed to be 75% white, but looks mostly Hispanic. Meanwhile, my son was born looking more like his late father who was white. You can tell it's his son by his nose and skin color. I understand genetics present themselves differently. However, I think there should be more resemblance between father and son biologically.
My boyfriends ex-wife seemed to be sleeping around more times than he was aware of. Different men have reached out to my boyfriend claiming they had affairs with his ex-wife.
Ugh
You should find someone without kids.
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I am willing to bet that our son that we are expecting together is going to look more like his dad than SS. After all the things she has done there is a big possibility that his son isn't biologically his.
What would I do?
I would drop it, because I wouldn’t want to look back and see that I had been unkind. Poking this will blow up in your face.
Get the test.
Facts... are niether good nor bad, they are merely facts. In the case of questionable parentage of a kid within a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, as difficult as it might be to learn that you are being cuckholded, I would rather know so I could address the marital issues than not know.
My BIL2 recently learned that his wife of 4+ years was cheating on him during the entire time they lived together, were engaged, and the first 3+ years of their marriage. Their daughter (nearly 3yo) looks nothing like him or anyone else in the family and the genes in my DW's clan are unmistakable in every generation of the clan.
He collected the DNA samples of the daughter and him and was going to send it in for testing when his DW begged him not to and broke down in sobs that she would not see her long term BF/cheat partner.
I could not accept being cuckholded then raising a product of a cheating STBXW and some random Johnson she chose to ride. Nope.