Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but today it's under my skin!!
So we have a couple of re-occuring issues with BM. Honestly, for the most part we all get along, although DH and I strongly disagree with BMs parenting style.
Here are the things that are driving me crazy..
1. BM teaches the kids to "do unto others as they do unto you" --I picked the kids up Tuesday, and SS6 was crying and holding his arm..SD9 runs up and tells me that SD bit her, so she pinched him-HARD- he was bleeding. The whole time BM is just sitting there like this is completely normal and acceptable. We have problems with this becuase the kids hurt each other-they come home with bruises and cuts and scrapes. We actually caught SD 7 at the time kicking SS in the neck once because he did somethng to her. We punish them for it, BM encourages it!!! It boils down to her not wanting to bother with disciplining and lets them "fight it out" GGRRR although I do not completely disagree with them needing to handle it themselves at times, there are limits!
2. BM does not work, she is finishing her degree so quit work and is living off of school loans and CS. Well all fine and dandy, except school is out and she does not seem to be concerned with getting something during the summer. So, we are supporting the kids and her. We buy all the clothes, all the shoes. The kids have actually told us that BM told them they needed to bring summer shoes from their dad's if they wanted them. GGGRRR
3. Those clothes we buy? We never see them after the kids grow out of them- oh wait, we do see them- on her nieces!! If I wanted to clothe her kids and her family's kids I would open a damn clothing closet and just let them come pick out what they wanted. GGRR AGAIN
ok... I think I feel a little better... maybe for the moment. I know these issues are petty, but it just burns me how she sees things.
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Something that bothers
you isnt petty, and they need to be addressed..Its not your and DH responiblity to supply things for her house..Thats what CS is for, not for her to do whatever if..Hence CHILD support not bitch support..And I cant believe she would condone such bad behavior, you could probably file in court neglect..What if these kids do this to another at school, they will get punished because they dang sure cant hit school authority (they will get it then)..Sounds like you are dealing with a wacked BM, and its horrible Im sorry..But dont feel bad for saying what you feel its not petty..Those things would piss me off also..
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." Jim Morrison
I hope they do get in trouble
in school for it. DH and I have told them over and over that it is wrong to hit someone. Period. SD told me on the way home "but Mommy tells us that we are supposed to do what they did back to them" and I couldn't help it- I told her "well Mommy is wrong, good people don't ever try to hurt other people, no matter what they did to them." I 99.9% of the time try to not ever directly tell the kids anything about their mom, but that one I couldn't let go.
yea, she isnt't wired really well. I could make a list of stupid things she does. not that I am perfect.. but at least I try and think of what is best for the kids when I do things!
Exactly
noone is perfect nor should they claim to be..BUT what she is teaching them is silly and wrong, maybe thats what they need to get in trouble at school..And think its really bad and maybe it will put the fear of god in them and they might straighten up..You are a hell of alot better person than she is..
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." Jim Morrison
That's what we pay - Bitch
That's what we pay - Bitch Support. Cause she doesn't spend a damn dime of that money on SD's.
you are so right.
My DH just got layed off. I wish soooo much we could get a modification to cut her B*S* so that she feels the pinch too. Burns me up when I go to work everyday.. and she is sitting her lazy ass at home while we clothe her kids. Teaching her offspring some fine lessons on work ethic
Doesn't sound petty to me...
Sounds like you need to keep what you buy at your house and not let the kids take it to BMs. Do you have 50/50 custody or visitation? She is just lazy and doesn't want to discipline.
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
yes, we have 50/50
we have a crazy schedule, so we end up sending the kids to school and she gets them from school. So unless we want the kids to look like crap going to school we have to get nice clothes. We do monitor what they wear and keep the costly stuff at our house. But its still irritating. I try and sell the clothes that are too small to put towards their new clothes. And yes lazy is a good word for her!!! Thats partially why we dont get things back-she is too lazy to bother with it.
I emailed her this morning and asked her to send the stuff back-but I bet she ignores it. I'm glad that no one thinks its petty... I feel like I am nitpicking because of how she acts about it. Thanks for the support!
I am sorry I have to disagree here....
I would have agreed totally a few years ago, but now, not so much. We used to tell the kids the same thing. Leave your clothes here and leave your shoes here. They would always bringa bunch of clothes to their moms and we would never see them again. Then, they would be like, "I need more socks, I need more boxers, I need new shoes" I'd say where are your other shoes? "I left them at mom's" So, then we said, you need to leave your stuff here. All that did was upset the kids and make them feel like we were asses.
At some point I told them all, here's the deal- I don't care what you bring to your mom's or what you bring here. All of your clothes and video games, etc are YOURS. You can do anything you like with YOUR things, but....I will not be buying you new stuff every week if you insist on leaving it at your mom's house. If you take it over there and forget to bring it home, you will havr to live without it untill next weekend. If you run out of clothes here because they are all at your mom's, you will wash what you have and wear it again. They all understood. Now, they do bring clothes to her house every weekend, but they also bring it back. If they forget something over at BM's, we simply say, "bummer". They know, if they don't have something, it s no one fault but their own.
BM is a complete ass to them about things SHE buys for them. Games, new clothes, etc. She demands that they leave it at her house. The kids come and tell us "we have this cool new game but mom won't let us bring it over." All we can say is, well, it's your game, we think you should be able to do what you want with it. Now who looks like the ass? Ummm, not me.
Guess what the result of all this is?
The kids bring ALL their stuff to our house (because we actually do laundry) and they think their mom is a jerk for not letting them do what they want wth their own things (like we do). Now she's the bad guy and we don't worry about what they forget, that's on them!
"A parents job is to eat as much sh*t as we have to so that the children do not."
I think it would be great if we could handle it that way..
but at the current ages, we end up having to buy 2 sets of everything. We cannot afford to do this. BM dresses them in trashy clothes a lot of times, so we end up with a house full of that, and no nice clothes for when we want to go out somewhere. It would be great if the kids were old enough to keep up with it. SD9 is doing better with it, and we allow her more freedom with what she takes back and forth.
Honestely, if BM would take care of the kids things, it wouldn't be an issue. She actually has that attitude about the kids things.. they belong to the kids, not BM or us. And she tells them this... but funny, we take care of things and the kids keep things they care about at our house. They don't want to take certian things to BMs cause they know it will get destroyed. They have a younger brother at BMs that ends up getting into everything and tearing it up,and BM does nothing about it.
The thing is, we bargain shop, we end up getting a lot of name brand clothes cheap. They last and they have some resale value. THose are the things that I want back.. because I sell them and buy more clothes for the kids...BM gives them away. Now, this is where I draw the line on these things being the kids property.. because my paycheck went to buy them, and my paycheck will have to replace them when they are outgrown.. so until they start buying things themselves there is a limit to what is "theirs".
I do hope that one day we can have the arrangement that you have.... actually crossing my fingers for it because Im tired of keeping up with all of this!
Amen to that!
4ofus....we must be living the same life!!! We do the 50/50 with an every other day schedule rotation during the week and then an every other weekend deal between parents. I hear you with the whole after school transfer thing. On one hand, you can avoid the BM drama, but you are really over a barrel with regards to sending them to school looking like crap. We have the same struggle. I save all of the crappy clothes that are two sizes too small (that come from BM's) and then we have a rummage and sell them!
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
it gets so
hard to remember what is what.. and I have been so tempted to just let the kids wear the crap she sends them in, but I just can't do it to the kids. This is actually a statement that BM emailed to me a few years back:
you and him both need to learn that its not the materialistic things they have or how GOOD they look all the time that should matter. its not about that and my kids wont be taught that
Now mind you, this all had to do with the fact that she kept sending SD to school in unmatching horrible clothes!! Stained.. etc. I am not that materialistic.. hell I cant afford to be lol. So at least after that I knew what she was teaching her kids.. lol its ok to look homeless!
I actually have next to no contact with her these days.. just makes it easier, and when I do its damn near friendly, I just have to watch and not be "friends".
oh and I missed another problem..
reading another post reminded me of this...
SD has gotten into this thing of rolling her shorts/pants down a couple of times. I know I do it on occassion with certain shorts because the elastic leaves marks on me.. there is a purpose to it!
When I picked them up Tuesday, BM tells me that SD had rolled the current shorts she was wearing to the point that you could not see them from under her Tshirt!! So BM's point to it wasnt that she should be in trouble for doing it anymore, it was that "if SD gets in trouble at school then SD will just ahve to deal with it" WHAT??? be the mother and tell your child not to try and dress like a WHORE. of course, BM is a bit of a whore so I guess she wouldnt notice??? I told her in front of BM that if we catch her rolling them down again like that.. we will get rid of all her shorts and she will be wearing pants all summer.
oh man.....that
burns me up too, but I think it is the style for the teens nowadays. My SD came over yesterday and had hers rolled down so far that you could actually see pubs stickin out the top of the pants. I called her out on it and told her I didnt want to see her hair line thank you very much!
gross
now see.. why do they think that is cute??? I mean, the rolling the top isnt so bad. I do it too-at home(did when I was younger as well) but when you roll it that much they are sooo short!!! and I hadnt even though of how low they would be..lol thats another thing I will have to watch for!
You know, I just don't remember my mom dealing with this when I was 9.. 13 prob so.. but 9??? it actaully started when she was 8
oh yes..
I actually have a hard time buying shorts for myself as well! They are all so short. I'm not sure what will be out when SD starts to get more of a figure, but I pray its longer shorts. Luckily, she loves the bermudas!!
THere you go
I couldnt agree with you more..Thats stupid of bm for even allowing that..But our BM lets my SD dress like a whore too, and date thats why BM is already a Grandmother of her first daughter who is ONLY 17 now 16 when she had the baby..I tell hubby all the time IM to young to be a stepgrandma so he would be on his own..
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." Jim Morrison
Yep
I worry about YSD sometimes. She's so impressionable and gullible, unlike her sister. I will NOT be a grandma before I even get to be a mom! I have nightmares about this!
now see..
that is my fear!!! I am going to be a young Sgrandma. Lord help me.. She is 9 and I feel will be a late "bloomer" maybe that will buy me some extra time... lol
I wish mine were
she would pass for 16...And acts 4 and oogles over boys..Makes me want to slap some sense into her ( i would never slap her btw)..
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." Jim Morrison
That would be a nightmare
having grandchild b4 children..But the way my SD is going its bound to happen, and BM would love nothing but that..She thinks we will have to pay more CS if SD gets pregnant, where she comes up with these ideas I will never know..But what I do know is I wouldnt support it, I would love it and get it things but not be primary provider..
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." Jim Morrison
yeah
BM's come up with the best comedy sometimes.
I feel the same way Fubar. I would never NOT love a baby, but I couldn't be financially responsible for one like that.
SIL was a mom at 16, hopefully SD's have been scared enough by her life that they won't go making that same mistake. (not the baby, but the timing)