WIN -- Maintaining Boundaries
My DH got a PT job working security at a night club anywhere from 2-4 nights a week. We have SD 50/50. When BM got a job (finally), he agreed that she could bring SD here 2 days a week (mornings that he hadn't worked the night before), and we would drive her to school. He made it clear I am not responsible for running downstairs and answering the door or anything. This is his deal. I have told him before, he can do favors as much as he wants (non monetary) so long as it doesn't involve me or change my routine.
Well...DH just got hired by a different club. It's the same company, just a better club, more hours, more tips. His schedule changed. Now, he's gonna be working Thursday nights. The change happened abruptly, and I did do the door answering last time BM had SD. It was short notice, and I didn't want an argument. This is how boundaries always start to get violated...you give an inch and next thing you know....
So, I'm very proud of myself, I reinstated the boundary. Sent DH the following text message:
Pls have BM make other arrangements for Friday mornings. I will do this Friday [had forgotten SD is actually with us], burin would like to continue to stay uninvolved during her parenting time.
He replied:
Do you mind of I just have her ring the doorbell hun? She just drops her off & doesn't get out of the car no exposure whatsoever...
I stood my ground:
DH, I am not here to do any favors for her. You were doing her a favor. Your work schedule changed. You did it because you want to have that extra time with SD. You aren't awake and I'm not interested in doing ANYTHING to help her. Please, her parenting time is her responsibility.
Nothing more than "K" was sent as a reply.
I know it may seem harsh or petty, but this woman leveled rape accusations against him before they separated, has tried to take SD away from us, has leveled child abuse allegations against me, and has repeatedly violated pretty much every boundary we have set. Yes, she has chilled out immensely, but I'm not going to budge on my boundaries. Not at all. And I'm proud of myself for taking a stand. The end.
Sorry, that text was supposed
Sorry, that text was supposed to say..."but I would like to continue to stay uninvolved during her parenting time"
That is awesome! Will DH be
That is awesome! Will DH be a butt about it later?
No, I don't think so. I have
No, I don't think so. I have told him before that I don't mind doing things for *him* during *his* time, but his favors are between him and BM. She tried before (after her child abuse allegations--idiot) to make it sound like I didn't love SD if I wouldn't babysit for her. DH reminded her about her allegations and she completely ignored that. This is a boundary I've had for over two years, so it's nothing new to DH. And really, it changes nothing for *him*, as he will be sleeping. And also, I should be able to enjoy every other Friday with my BD, without having to run downstairs to get SD, then be ignored by my BD because SD is there. That is *my* time with *my* daughter. He gets it. It would be easier for him if I just did it and he didn't have to address BM about it, but that's divorced parenting for you! I sure would have liked him to have stronger and more consistent boundaries when we got together so that bitch wouldn't have had any opportunity to make allegations, but we are where we are...he has come a very long way.
good girl!
good girl!
I also want to add that after
I also want to add that after his "K", I sent this:
I am trying to keep consistent with the boundaries I have set. I appreciate you respecting that.
I felt superproud after doing
I felt superproud after doing this too!
DH will ask my opinion about skid related stuff, ignore it, then we would fight. After one particularly bad fight, I told him that moving forward, "I have no opinion. SD has two parents. Parent her. It no longer has to involve me."
About two months after that, DH asked my opinion about something and I said, "I have no opinion." and changed the subject immediately. A day later, a text, asking me an opinion about something SD said. My reply said that her two parents can make that decision.
Baby steps man!!
But as you said so eloquently, "This is how boundaries always start to get violated...you give an inch and next thing you know...."
"Baby steps man!!" AND
"Baby steps man!!"
AND HOW!!!
I also get asked for opinions that are then ignored. Then I get frustrated and then we fight. To so not worth it. I'm trying to not care about how SD turns out or how things are handled...baby steps!!
me too. It's just a matter of
me too.
It's just a matter of time before her next scheme unfolds... I know it's coming soon.
It's been two years since the
It's been two years since the abuse allegations and I'm constantly on edge that "The Big One" will hit any day.
Stand your ground,
Stand your ground, girlfriend!!! The stronger you are, the stronger you become!! It's a self perpetuating cycle!!
Thanks for your support,
Thanks for your support, Steps! I wish I had thought to find all of you 4 years ago when I moved in with DH.
Yep. No more "Save SD" from
Yep. No more "Save SD" from me. No more fantasizing about her seeing her mother's true colors and the four of us riding off into the sunset as one happy family. No longer making suggestions or offering advice or opinions. I don't have have a horse in this race. My responsibility is to my BD. If DH sees my example and makes changes (which has happened too many times to count), then that's good. But I'm no longer going to "help".
And yes, my DH is a big sweetheart! He strives everyday to become a better dad and husband. I'm very lucky that he isn't like some of the blind Disney dads on this site. We are a work in progress...both of us.
Bouncers get tipped? What
Bouncers get tipped? What for letting them cut the line?
Give the step-kid a key. Husband says if she enters the house all favors are off. BM shoves kid through the door and leaves.
Them have SM be responsible
Them have SM be responsible for taking care of SD on BM's time while her DH is asleep?
Yeah, no. Not unless BM wants to pay.
He is actually a host at an
He is actually a host at an upscale gentleman's club, so he gets tipped. Big. It's just easier to say he works "security at a nightclub". Lol
And re: the key suggestion...uh, no...maybe in a situation where the BM was stable, but not with this one. Nope. Plus, why would I be letting her child in during HER parenting time, while the child's father is sleeping? Not my kid, not my problem!
My DH owns two businesses,
My DH owns two businesses, one of which is taking up more resources than we can keep up while it's getting off the ground. I help during the day when he is sleeping and he handles all the heavy stuff, like bookkeeping, payroll, etc. We are fine with the arrangement at this point. BM won't need to be paying me, because I'm simply not going to do it--pay or no pay!
And who said working at a gentleman's club isn't reasonable? No shame in our game!