WIll I rot in hell?
Ok, been here a few times and I've appreciated all the input. Need some more if you don't mind. The acronims drive me nutts (bf,ss,etc) so be patient with all the extra words.
I'm raising my step son (15) alone. My wife (his mom) died almost 3 yrs ago. I married her in '99 so I've been around for the bulk of his life. I even adopted him (6 days before she died, wierd right?). My wife was very sick both physically and mentally for 6 yrs and my kids (i had a biological daughter with her who's now 9) have seen a lot of crazy things. It took it's toll on him the worst. He began to retreat into himself about 4 yrs ago and after she died he fell off the deep end. He's done a 180 from the kid I knew and grew to love. He's gone from a very talented travel baseball player to a drug dealing/using, ghetto punk who will not give me the time of day. There is so much crazy drama that goes into this story that I can't add because you'd quit reading so i'm doing my best in a nuttshell.
My in-laws are supportive, but evil. mainly mother in law. She one of the main reasons my wife lost her mind as she drover her crazy. She's a manipulate, self righteous, passive agressive, controlling woman and she's dug her clutches into my boy and I think I've lost him. He's commited a felony burglery that she tried to cover up (told the police that I'd thrown him out and she had no idea how to find me). She's been funneling money to him behind my back. She's told him so many lies and distortions about me that he looks at me with no respect what so ever. Been going on for years now. I tried to send him to live there but he begged and pleaded, saying he'd be better. blah, blah, blah....shame on me.
Now the good stuff. He's currently missing. He ran away Saturday night and no one's been able to find him. He has contacted his aunt (mother in laws evil sister) and let her know he's ok. He's also currently on probation so he knows that when he's found, it's 90-180 days in juvy. Isn't that swell! Thing is he doesn't care. He doesn't care about grades, football, being on time, opening doors, picking up clothes, being nice to his sister, nothing! He likes to smoke weed and will lie cheat and steal to get some. I've cought him stealing from me and his sisters piggy bank. He stole 3k from his uncle. I've also cought him trying to by a gun on 2 occasions. Oh, and I've found him having sex in his room. And he's only 15.
I've had it. I am the only person who is trying to teach him accountability, that there are consequences for the things we do. Every one else keeps bailing him out. Grandma does every chance she gets. The schools pass these kids and they don't do crap to earn it! I swear he has a 7th grade education level but on paper he's a sophomore. Here I am the only thing in his life that gets mad, that makes him work, that makes him get up at a certain time, requires him to do the dishes and clean his room, enforces his curphew, all the things that parents are supposed to do. I'm not some evil tyrant though, and in fact I've given him some creature comforts. He has (had) a phone,xbox, etc.
So my question is this..... I made a promise to my wife the day she died. That I would continue to raise our kids the way we always wanted to raise them. But the resentment in me towards this kid is boiling. He's gone far beyond teen angst, and is a danger to myself and my daughter as well as himself. He's steals from me, he's threatoned my daughter is she were to tell on him. I want him gone. I've paid for counselors for him, I've set him up with different groups, nothing has worked. He has a chip on his shoulder and I'm not going to let him take us down with him. I made a promise to his mom though, and I'm a stubborn fool like that and will keep on keepin on with him because of it. Guess I want someone to say it's ok to sign custody over to someone else, that I won't burn in Hell because of it. Never wanted anyting like this to happen, hell we've been through enough already. But my daughter and I would like a calm, happy life for once in her life. Is that too much to ask?
It is time to kick him out -
It is time to kick him out - I am sure if your wife could see him now and know what a DANGER he has become to the daughter that you have that she would agree you tried now it is you and your daughters turn. Just because his mother died does not give him the right to turn all that sorrow into a drug user. Get him out of your house - plain and simple or have him locked up in juvie because I am sure if you were to come home one day and your daughter is either hurt really bad or dead it would be too late then to protect her - good luck in this you are going to need it.
PS - just because we make promises to someone on their deathbed does not mean that if the circumstances become life threatening or put you or your love ones in danger that the promise must be kept - believe me the loved one who passed away would want you to think of your safety before that promise!!
No you won't rot in hell. It
No you won't rot in hell.
It seems you have gone above and beyond for this boy and more than kept your promise to your late wife. I am sure she would be ashamed of what he is doing, trying to buy a firearm, threatening his sister, breaking the law, stealing, doing drugs and having sex.
Well he seems intent on self destruction isnt he? Not to mention, he thinks he can run with the criminal element of society when hes only a boy. You have offered him life lines - counselling, stability and love to try and iron out the damage that you mention has been caused by mental health issues from family members, however he has to be responsible for his own actions. If he wants to be a "man" (yeah right) then he has to be suffer the consequences of his repeated extremely bad choices. This isnt about a child who has dabbled in the wrong thing and realised the error of his ways, he sounds dangerous and seriously off of the rails.
You can still love him you know, even if you realise you cannot do anything more for him - particularly given that he doesnt *want* to help himself. Nothing will change until he wants to do this.
You and DD deserve happiness. That is nothing to feel guilty about. Your wife I am sure wouldnt want you to sacrifice and have your life revolve around ss, to the point where your family is falling apart.
You can still tell ss (when he shows up) that you love him, you are there for him but you cant allow him to do this to DD anymore. Its not just about ss, the family comprise of other members too and as it is you need to have the time, energy to deal with other crisis's - for yourself too.
Time for some tough love I think.
Really dont envy your position, if you didnt care you wouldnt feel awful for considering this option - but ask yourself what more can you do?!
Perhaps - unlikely imo - this will give ss the jolt to straighten up (wouldnt hold your breathe though!).
Not sure but this sounds like
Not sure but this sounds like a previous post that I read many months ago. Your wife had several years of illness befor dying and at the time the son seemed to change from the point of death . At one time you felt you did have a good relationship until then. If you have tried counseling and the church groups you had him involved in did not help then it is time to let him go.
Sometimes PARENTS HAVE TO RESORT TO "TOUGH LOVE" I am 60 yrs. old and have been out of the dealing with teens for years. I have to agree that at this point the safety of you and your daughter come first.
Tough love sure is tough.
Tough love sure is tough. Thanks for the input so far, it's as I expected but it's always nice to have "justification" from an outside source. He told his aunt he would turn himself in this past Monday, though he didn't do that. It worries me that there are parents out there who will let a child come into their home and not even question as the why he's there. If my son brought a kid home and asked if he could stay for a while the first thing I would do is call the parents and find out what the story is. All I can do is pray that he's ok, and isn't doing things that will put him in greater danger. I'm not combing the streets looking for him though; this happened back in May and we spent countless hours of lost work, lost $$, stress and everything else looking for him. All of which was wasted now that he's proven he didn't learn anything from it. Yes, I will remove him from my home if/when he gets out of juvy, and send him to live with grandma. I hold no hope for him maturing out there but your points about keeping my daughter healthy and safe have been well taken. Sucks, but whadya do....
When my husband died, I made
When my husband died, I made a lot of promises about the raising of our son. Some I have kept and some I have not. One was he wanted him in sports, particularly baseball and hockey. Neither worked. I kept him in trying to fulfill this damn promise I made. Finally gave up. He is not his dad and sports are not his thing. I know I have done what is right for him at the time. Is it what his Dad would have done if he were alive, probably not? But, I always had to do what I think is best. That is all we can do.
You need to do what is best for you and your daughter. Have you considered trying to get him into one of these wilderness programs or military style schools? I know they are expensive, but they may have aid available. But, if you are not willing to throw him out or give him to your MIL then you need to try something else...I think he should go to MIL since she seems to want him. But, I guarantee you that the grandparents only think they want their deceased childs child. Sounds good in theory, what they don't think is they really have to parent. He may bounce back from her house, because she is too old to parent this type of child.
I'm kind of on the flip side
I'm kind of on the flip side of this situation. DH and I are currently taking full custody of SS because when he is with his mother and her insane, enabling family he is completly out of control, dangerous and violent. He has no respect for them or himself when he's there. We spent many months/years prior to her ageeing to release full custody to us debating and crying over if we should try to get her to give him to someone else who could maybe influence him in a positive way (as the only reason she wouldn't give him to us was spite and money).
Anyway, I believe that if you wife were alive and he were behaving this way she would likely agree that he needs to go be where he can maybe still be set straight before it's too late. I honestly think that if you can't control him and he is a danger to himself and others at this time you would be doing him and her a dis-service to let things continue as they are. Short and Sweet - find him a proper guardian or perhaps nice bootcamp/reform school - sending him away doesn't have to mean you've given up on him, just that you understand that he needs to be in a new environment to get the help he needs. This could very well be the best thing for him and the least selfish thing you could do for him now. The tuff choices are part of raising him. Good Luck. Your in my prayers.
Read the Five Love Languages
Read the Five Love Languages of Children.
I agree.......you can try
I agree.......you can try your best; but don't drive yourself nuts. You can only help someone who WANTS to be helped. It sad and I am not saying it is good to give up on your child but it sounds like you are beating a dead horse. Sometimes the only way up is after you hit rock bottom; and this kid needs to hit - without you...Sorry!!