When Skids start talking about their own visitation
My SD is stb4, and like most youngsters she is a chatterbox. A child in her class has just gained a new sibling so theres been lots of talking about babies and families recently.
Last time she was here SD tells me that she misses her daddy and me when she's with her mummy and she wants to see us more. I reply that we miss her too but it just means we get to have a nice time when she is with us. She carries on chatting to herself and says again to me that she wants to be with her daddy more, so I bite and ask her whether she prefers it when she is with mummy for a whole week and then with daddy for a whole week.
(My partner has EOWE with one day in the week and 50/50 during school vacations)
SD replies no she wants mummy in the week and daddy in the weekend, but every weekend. I explained to her that wouldn't be very fair because then she'd get no free time with her mummy. To which she said she doesn't want free time with mummy and that was the conversation over.
I spoke to my partner about it (who was fixing something in the attic whilst this conversation took place) he wants 50/50 full time, and after the summer holiday asked the BM for it to change to 50/50, she said no so he is arranging legal action to go back to court to try for it.
Naturally, given SDs age I am careful of conversations that involve her mother since when she repeats things later she can miss bits out, but fortunately she rarely brings her mother up when she is with us.
I have a good relationship with SD, we have no drama from BM and it would be nice to keep it that way.
Part of me thinks that next time when SD brings this sort of thing up in the future that I am better off staying completely out of it, changing the subject or telling her she would need to talk to her mum or dad about it.
No doubt this is a regular occurrence in the step-family life, how do you handle these conversations? Particularly with younger kids?
Meh. I have 3 kids under the
Meh. I have 3 kids under the age of 6 and I cannot tell you how many times they say, "I want milk!" Then when I give them milk they say, "NOOOOOO!! I didn't want MILK, I wanted JUICE!" (To which I reply, "You asked for milk. Drink that and if you're still thirsty you can have some juice."
)
My point here is simply that you cannot trust a 4 year old.
Mercurial creatures. And I'd also add they really have a poor concept about time and the future. So while to you it's perfectly obvious that if she's with her Dad every weekend, then she doesn't see her mom on weekends at all - it probably ISN'T that obvious to her. Every other week she probably gets, she's lived it, but "every weekend" is an abstract concept.
Anyway, my own personal feeling would be to leave the visitation schedule as is, but as for what YOU should do I'd recommend staying out of it. Tell SD to talk to her Dad if she keeps talking about it. The last thing you want is for your relationship with SD to get ruined because visitation changes, SD doesn't like the new way, and she figures it must be your fault since she talked to you about it!
At that age you can't go by
At that age you can't go by "well, she said this so this is what she feels"
Next time mommy gives her a cookie she'll want to stay there forever and never see you guys. Then you'll take her to the park and she'll want to be with you forever and never bother with mommy again. Then mommy will make her favorite dinner and she'll want to stay there forever...see? Children are very much a "right this minute I feel this so THIS IS WHAT I WANT!!!" and it changes frequently.
And I'll tell you right now, every weekend sucks big time. Do not ever, ever suggest or consider it.
^^^ every weekend is
^^^ every weekend is exhausting.
Yes, every weekend is a
Yes, every weekend is a forlorn mess. We do all our "dating" on mid-week nights. Of which there are now only two left to us.
Oh gosh no, I didnt mean that
Oh gosh no, I didnt mean that my partner has changed his custody wants based on what SD has said. Nor am I putting any weight/merit based on what she has said. Like others have said, at her age she can want one thing one minute and not the next.
I was asking more in terms of what others had found to be the best way of handling such topics should they start being a more regular topic particularly with younger children. I felt that since the conversation has happened once, should she bring it up again that I should be changing the subject and figured the best people to ask are other step parents.
In that case, at her age, I'd
In that case, at her age, I'd probably just say something like, "Mommy, Daddy and I ALL love spending time with you! That's why a judge decided to give all of us time like this." Then just leave it. Don't "validate" her feelings of wanting to spend more time with one parent or the other, or ask questions about what she wants. Just let her know that all of you love her and want to spend time with her, and that's pretty much it. If she asks why visitation is set up the way it is, tell her that's what the judge decided was best. Factual and doesn't "blame" anyone or leave the impression of Mom and Dad fighting over her, you know?