what would you guys do?
So, my BF's daughter is supposed to come live with us starting this summer. Apparently her and the mom (BM) arent' getting along and BM cant' "take it anymore" (FYI the kid is 10 yrs. old).
My BF and i have lived together for 2 years now and have started couples therapy 2 months ago. we thought we should figure out our problems b4 we get married or break up! 1 month after we start therapy BM and FSD drop the bomb on us that she should come live with us. of course no one (except my BF and i) understands that to get into a school where we live is very hard (we live in san francisco and BM and FSD live in Indiana). So of course now my BF is doing all the leg work to apply her to schools for next fall, paying all this money for applications fees, etc. BM also writes me an email personally thanking me for my input on schools and about FSD moving out here. And then goes on to say that if it wasnt' for me, FSD moving out here wouldn't even be a possibility!
Great! thanks! way to load the pressure on! mine and my BF's relationship isnt' doing that great as it is...now not only are we adding a child to the mix , full time!, they put all this pressure on me! AND him and i arent' even engaged!.
oh! but it gets better. the school applications ask for everyone living in the house hold to volunteer at the school 60 hours per year! AND they required my finanical info as well! i understand its california and alot of people live 2gether without being married, but i feel like i am being robbed of my time to get to know each other and... let him propose on his on...
Also, i started a new job this year after being out of work for 1.5 years.... and relly cant' F-ck up my job to leave and go do PTA stuff.
plus, who knows if BF is staying with me just to get his kid moved out here!
ughhhh! thoughts anyone????? please!
This is going to be a huge
This is going to be a huge adjustment. Sure, it'll be all peaches and cream at first because FSD will be on her very best behavior because she won the battle with her mother. But eventually, the tables will turn and she'll be giving you guys the same crap that she must be giving her mom, and want to go back there.
IMO, children should not be allowed to bounce back and forth like that. When two of our skids bailed and went to BM's, they were told that returning was not an option. Perhaps FSD and BM should be told the same thing before you settle into this?
true! thanks! ... i have
true! thanks! ... i have expressed my concerns about our relationship and the whole situation to him... and he basically says that... he is getting his daughter out here no matter what b/c obviously the mom doesnt' knwo how to parent if she is willing to throw her hands up in the air to her kid and ship her off when it gets rough. and i agree with him. But then he makes it out like i am asking him to choose btwn. me and his daughter and says thats unfair.i don't know, maybe i am asking him to choose. so i guess that just leaves me to choose to stay or leave.. and i just wish there was another solution.
Well, she's not your daughter
Well, she's not your daughter and if you cannot make the commitment timewise to volunteer, be upfront about it. Don't commit to do it and then not do it.
If you don't want to live with his daughter and he is moving her in to his home, move out. Tell him that she wasn't living with him when you moved in together and her moving in changes the deal for you, and with the other problems you aren't ready for an instant family, especially with a troubled kid.
He doesn't have to
He doesn't have to choose--but you have the right to take it slower. You aren't even sure you will stay together. That's not very stable in the first place and needs to be resolved. It's hard even when two people are happy together as you can see from the blogs on here.