What do you do when there are no rules and SO MUCH DRAMA???
Well, I come from a large family and there were a lot of blended families as my mom and her 3 sisters all remarried. One to someone who had two children. My own stepdad legally adopted my sister and I when I was four. I was married for almost 18 yrs, divorced some years ago and began dating a man last year who has a grown step-daughter,23, who is married with a child on the way (he married her bio mom when she was 7), he has a bio son, 7, with this woman. He then divorced and has a bio daughter, 4, with an ex-girlfriend. I have a grown son, 22, and a grandson 1 year. Phew!
Anyways, his bio son, who is 7 is with us part time. Basically there are no set times, it is up to the 7 year-old when he wants to shuttle between his two bio parents, usually when he can't get his way he runs to the other parent. His bio mother is bipolar and she and his bio dad cannot act like mature adults when talking to each other or raising the 7 year old. The 7 year old uses this to his advantage. He lies, throws horrible temper-tantrums ALL THE TIME, acts like an infant even baby-talks, refuses to wipe his own bottom after going number 2, wants to shower and sleep with his bio father who has stopped allowing this recently (he still tries to get in the shower with his dad and follows him into the bathroom whenever he is using it), etc. His bio parents are a big part of the problem. They do not discipline him and allow him to throw things, he recently went after his bio mom with a screwdriver, etc. His dad babies him as if he were an infant yet allows him to ride his skateboard and bicycle, watch R movies (even though he throws tantrums EVERY SINGLE night at bedtime), play violent video games and go to the playground (across the street) unattended. If he whines his bio dad gives him whatever he wants. It breaks my heart because I think he is destroying the 7 year old's self confidence by not helping him mature emotionally. He clings to his dad in public and calls him JaaJaa (babytalk for DaDa) and puts up his arms and wiggles his fingers and says, "pick me up" and "huggie, huggie" like a baby. His dad thinks this infantile behavior is adorable.
Now the 7 year-old whines and likes to act helpless, i.e. make everyone act like his personal servants, whenever he is around. He yells, yes YELLS, orders to his bio dad. Whenever he is with us there is so much drama and stress that I don't know if I can take much more. I get most angry with his father for not being a parent to his child and teaching him the necessary social skills. When we are in a restaurant it is embarrassing as the 7 year old will be rude to the waitress and demand instant seating and service. He has a total lack of consideration for others. Last week at church, he refuses to go with the other kids to Sunday School classes, he acted out the entire service and his dad did nothing but tell him to stop and then allow it to continue. Now the 7 year old knows what he is doing is wrong but it gets him whatever he wants and he controls his adult parents. I've suggested counseling, but his bio father refuses thus far.
My son and I are trying to be positive influences, but nothing will change if his bio parents keep allowing this behavior and even encouraging it. My son is appalled at how uneducated he is at 7 years old as well. It's like no one took the time with him for the important things like learning the alphabet and reading. His bio dad gets defensive whenever his son is with us as he knows he is not being a good parent. I've begun to avoid the drama, but the resentment is beginning to build towards his bio father. I know he loves his son very much, but kids need some structure. I can't intervene, all I can do is try gentle encouragement, but I'm getting more fed up with each passing month.
What to do?
Thanks for letting me vent my frustration.
First of all, has this 7 year
First of all, has this 7 year old been diagnosed with something - like mentally challenged? It sounds like that's his problem, something is wrong with him mentally. In my opinion, you better RUN FAST!!!! I wish someone would have told me how it would be beinga a step parent.
No he hasn't been diagnosed,
No he hasn't been diagnosed, that is why I suggested the counseling. He was tested for dyslexia and he is normal. He seems like a bright kid to me, he is very manipulative, but I'm worried that he may need to be medicated with his mother's history of mental illness and his father is also medicated for depression. Thanks though! I am giving it a bit more time, but if his father makes no effort then I will probably end the relationship. I would like to see some help for the 7 year old, but I don't feel like being driven insane in the process if my help isn't wanted.
His 4 year old who is being raised by her bio mom (his ex girlfriend) and step dad is adorable, bright and right where she should be developmentally. She is just precious and she has had to have major surgery on her little arms as her bio mom had cancer when she was pregnant. She lives out of state and we don't get to see her often, which may be a good thing as her brother resents any attention his parents give to anyone else. The grown 23 year old has no relationship with her bio mother, his first wife who is bipolar. She also is bright and mature and very unlike her half-brother. There is nothing mentally wrong with the two half sisters. I think his behavior is more environmental impacted than biological, but I would like a professional opinion.
Oh yes, should add that when I say he resents any attention his bio dad gives anyone else that includes me, of course. He throws a fit and starts yelling at his dad if he so much as even walks down the hall to see how I'm doing whenever he is over. I care about him a lot, but I can't build a relationship with him when he is so hateful to everyone except when he wants something. He is the most obnoxious child I've ever encountered behaviorally.
Run. If the boy has no
Run. If the boy has no diagnosed illness despite being tested he will never let you have amoment of peace.
As 'awesome' and 'wonderful' and 'fantastic' as this man may be he has a trainwreck of relationsips behind him. If he cannot see the light to teach his son how to behave himself and in time be a man then this is not your job and nor should it be.
I would have already walked away letting him know that his son's behaviour is apalling and VERY babyish and is not endearing or likable. So for the forseeable future you will either not see him at all or only when the boys is not around.
I doubt he behaves like this at school which says to me he is allowed to behave like this to get all the attention he wants. And he will NEVER EVER share his Jaa Jaa with anyone including someone who makes his father happy.
I know you are probably 100%
I know you are probably 100% correct. Even now he has to have his JaaJaa lay with him and his bio dad calls him "baby" and acts like he is a toddler. I've never seen anything like it ever. It stresses me out terribly. And you are right I even asked his father how he managed getting himself something to drink on his own and using the bathroom on his own at school. Also his dad still has him eating off baby dish sets and cups. It is sickening. I just want some peace again. I'm sick of how his bio dad tries to make him remain an infant at every turn. It is really abusive on a lot of levels. You have to have a license to drive a car, but any fool can be a parent no questions asked. His dad knows I am uncomfortable with all these antics but keeps pushing me. He is full of excuses. If he won't stop or go to counseling I will have no choice but to run. I worry about my grandson when he comes to visit when his kid is here. He lies and his father shrugs it off and I caught him trying to hit my grandson who is one and was sitting next to my son (my grandson's father) and he shrugged that off too. My 1 year old grandson doesn't have to lay with an adult every night to go to sleep and is very bright and loving and well adjusted. I don't want this kids bad habits to rub off on him either. I mean how old do you have to be before acting like spoiled self-centered infant is not acceptable anymore? It seems on this forum there are a lot of parents ruining their kids because they want the unhealthy attention too. UGH!!!
I'm not going to bite my tongue all day anymore. His bio dad makes little effort and then reverts to total babying mode. I told him point blank if he wants to start sleeping with his 7 year old every night then go right ahead, but I'm not sleeping with them and I won't be sleeping alone either. (If he can't be respectful of my feelings at all then I will find someone who is.)
Maybe I'm old school where husbands and wives sleep in the same bed. Where if you misbehave there are consequences. When teaching your children how to be responsible and caring meant more than pleasing their every whim. When you were potty trained before you started kindergarten, much less the first grade. Where you showed respect to your elders. When kids cared about their parents happiness too.
I mean if a kid wants to act like a baby then put him in diapers, give him a baby bottle and take away all his big kid toys and privileges. Make his bedtime much earlier and see just how fast they snap out of it. DUH!
I believe it really is his
I believe it really is his parents' place to correct him, if they want to baby him he'll lap it all up. The whole thing did not happen overnight so I doubt if it can be fixed as quickly. I can understand some insecurity in step kids, the family unit is dissolved and they could feel like they have to struggle for attention but this really does sound ridiculous. I am SM to three and it took a long time to adjust for all of us. It's worth persevering because I love them all very much. I found it a lot easier to create my own boundaries when DH did not chastise the kids, they ran riot! I was the evil step mother when I corrected them but they grew to learn that I did it for them, they have more respect, ultimately, for someone who is consistent with them. Ours are about to fly the nest, it's been hell on wheels but I would not change a thing. Everything happens for a reason, you might be in this boy's life for a very good reason! Can I suggest that you build your own relationship with him? It might be worth a try to establish a bond based on rewards for good behaviours and absolutely ZERO for negative ones. I thought it was just ours at first, yet it seems that most kids today have what they call entitlement issues, political speak for spoiled brats? Good luck, count your blessings that all else is well x
Believe me because I am a mom
Believe me because I am a mom I've held out and tried a lot. He did take right to me which is unusual for him as he does know I do care about him a lot. But he will not change with bio parents acting like freaks. Why should he when this behavior is rewarding for him? I can only offer so much as a step parent and I feel his father and I have not been together long enough for me to intervene with corrective methods. I try encouraging and reasoning with his bio dad but I'm getting nowhere. Call me crazy but I don't think whining and screaming temper tantrums should equal going out and buying him a new video game like his bio dad does. It's ridiculous and sad. Plus I don't think I want a future with a man who can't pull it together as a real father. I mean raising my own child wasn't some picnic, parenting is tough. It's hard upsetting your kids, but they have to learn somehow. My son spent time in his room with lost privileges when he chose to do wrong too. And now he is doing a great job being a parent himself even though he is only 22 and he and his exgirlfriend manage to get along and talk everyday for their babies sake in a mature way. I don't know any other kids that would bark orders to their parents as if they were a slave and try to act like an infant. Maybe I was just lucky up until now. Also because he has no siblings close in age living with him, this makes it easier for his bio dad to excuse his every action as "normal" somehow. Um - NO!