For myself, honestly, I can't see anything positive, up to this point.
Neutral, yes.
Positive? Nah, I could easily do without them and were they to magically disappear, I can't see how it would take anything positive or advantageous at all away from my life.
Maybe after they grow up, in retrospect I will see what the positives were?? Let us hope...
I never wanted kids so it reminds me that I did the right thing. Not that I ever question that, but it just confirms it.
It does teach you everything that Danger said and since my 9 year old niece practically lives with us, I am still learning! But I love her unconditionally whereas SD I don't.
I'll second that.
If anything it reinforces why i've never wanted them and never will. I hate it when people say "you'll change your mind when you meet the right man". No i f**king won't ! I think I know my own mind thank you now butt out. Or the other one is when people ask if you have kids and you say no and they say "oh I am sorry". WHY???? i feel sorry for you having had kids.
Seeing the mistakes your spouse has made in parenting and being able to head them off with your own kids, I mean parenting errors both in him and in yourself.
Originally, mine were quite fun to play board games with.
Not being able to have kids of your own makes being a step-parent an even lonlier hell. I've been there. It just highlights how much you get the shitty parts without the reward.
I have become a worse person since being a smom. I have. I used to be nice. I used to be able to control my anger. I used to be able to put things into perspective. There is a side to me that I'm not proud of and stepparenting has brought it out. I am jaded. I can't listen to anyone talk about a deadbeat dad or an abusive mean dad or stepmother, or a poor single mother who was left for another woman without thinking "yeh, right".
Same here. The only 'neutral' is that the oldest is 13 and can watch my son for a short period of time if I need her to. I can honestly say (and I hope DH never sees this), that even with some of the good days we've had lately, the good times are so few and far between, that if I never saw the three S/kids again, I wouldn't miss them for a second. Hate to say it, but it's just the truth.
I recently went to my doctor and told her all the new life events going on (DH and I just got married a few months ago), a few of the scenarios around the house, and apparently I'm getting anxiety-induced chest pains. I may have to get put on freaking MEDS to deal with these kids. Wtf.
If only what you say applied to me, I'd be convinced. I can't do what I want or be who I am when they're around because they feel offended. I have to meet their needs for the same of my DH and my marriage (not all of them, but some). My social life revolves around their schedule because my DH sucks at making a plan. He just goes with the flow. I have absolutely been blamed not only for their failures, but for their actions, mistakes, behaviors, emotions and pretty much everything bad that ever happens to them. And YES, I do pay for their mistakes and for the mistakes of their parents. I have been the punching bag in the family... not anymore though... DH got balls for Christmas and seems to be using them.
If what you say is true, I envy you!
I know I sound like I am talking from la la land, but what i liked about having skids initially or what attracted me to the whole idea was the fact that I love kids so having them without labor for free sounded so awesome. In an ideal world stepkids will be a source of stress-relief from long hours at work because they are so simple and get excited for little things that you want to just hug them and kiss them. I guess it also gives you that feeling of being the adult or the mature responsible person for having them dependent on you. I also think that it is a rewarding experience for those that believe in an afterlife or just want to help human beings for the fact that they are human beings. Some people go to other continents to make a stranger's life better so why not a young kids life who happens to come from a broken family and is related to the person you love? There are people that open orphanages or sponsor a kid from an opportunity deprived country. but then I learned the reality that you can only love a kid that allows you to love them. Sometimes some of them don't want you in their lives because they have their own BM.
I can't think of any positives that being a step parent have brought out for me. Being a step parent makes me feel like a really ugly person on the inside. I dislike a child. I babysat my whole life and have never felt the way I do about a child as I do her.
The worst part is she's a part of the man I love more than anyone else.
Agree. Being a step-parent has made me an ugly, negative person much of the time. I am trying to wall off that part of my life, and focus on good things going forward. When I think about how much time I lost due to my step kids, and how negative they made me, I grow very sad. Just trying to have a good attitude going forward.
Agreed. It makes me feel vile that I dislike or even them do much, yet every other child I meet I seem to get on with and bond with? It's frustrating.
I love my man though, and he loves me back which is what counts. And I know it's harsh but if they magically disappeared I think my world would be a better place !
i suppose a postive thing could be if you wanted a daughter to shop with do girly stuff with since you only had boys that could be but youwould actually have to like and get along with the SD.... i used to think i could have fun doing girly stuff but SD is zero like me and likes to dress like BM who has no since of style whatsoever.
For me, the only positive I'm getting out of it is seeing that I can actually be a good, effective parent. SS2 has changed so much since living with us, he says "Please" and "Thank you", I got him off the bottle and soother. Certain things he says I know he learned from me. If I can make that much of an impact on this trainwreck of a child, I must be doing something right. Lol. Oh, and it's allowed me to see my BF's parenting skills which totally changed my mind about having a baby with him - which is definitely POSITIVE because I could not stand his parenting my child the way he parents his! (Or lack thereof)
My SS is a good kid and I can see that the stability of our house is good for him and has made him a better kid. I have nothing nice to say about my SD. I can hardly tolerate being in the same room with her. It just depends. I have both positive and negative, but if they had never existed......i would have a LOT less stress in my life.
I guess the memories of when they were just kids, and how it did feel like a family then. If things had continued like that, I would be able to say that even though I never had kids of my own, it would be the next best thing.
The positive now would be that I am a better person through all of this. I've learned a lot. If for some reason I ever become single again, I certainly will never get involved with someone that has kids again, even if they are grown and out of the house.
The good part about having stepkids is that you see you have made a contribution to their lives.I should add not all the time. In my case, my stepson is a well-mannered little boy,as independent as he could be for a 5-year old boy. And all these because of us, his dad and myself, not because of his mother.Hopefully, he will see some day that he had a normal life, stable and healthy, because of us and be grateful for that.
I don't think there is a positive. It brings out an ugly resentful side of me that I wasn't aware of. I hate that to be with the man I love I have to make this tremendous sacrifice. I hope my relationship changes with ss as he gets older and realises he can form his own opinion of me instead of take on bm's. Maybe then I'll be more positive.
Actually I now can see my own stepparents perspectives. They struggled and I understand now. I think I am coping better than they did/are.
I used to really enjoy having my sk around. They were nice ppl and tried to love on their dad since they didn't see him much. Then it all went to hell! Their older sister and BM poisoned them against their dad and that was it! I've personally always tried to be a better person around them, but you can only take so much! Now that they are teenagers I can't get rid of them fast enough! They are all about making BM happy and crapping on my DH. We literally always get blamed for everything and nothing BM does is wrong! Seriously, they can both do the exact same thing and he's an a-hole for doing it!!
My Sd16 used to be fun to be around and do things with. She is so selfish and self centered now that I just can't stand her! Everything has to be about her...always! I used to truly think this was great, I didn't have to have my own kids but still got to enjoy having kids around. If there is drama between the parents, you will learn to hate to have them around. Sad, but true! I am hoping that she lives with her mom full time so that we can start having a better relationship with her. Right now, I try to stay away as much as I can so I don't kill myself!
I knew before that I didn't want my own kids, I know now that I couldn't have made a better decision! I love my life without my sk and when it's just me and my DH!
I do love my skids...but its sooooooooooooo hard...and yes they make you feel ugly for stooping to a nasty or absentee level to just be able to deal. My life consists of me hiding in my room a lot.
I'm trying really hard to think of a positive to having skids...nope. None come to mind. Except for the fact that eventually his psycho mother will pick him up and I'll get a break from him. Does that count?
I don't know. It is still pretty early for me to single out positives.
The one I can think of for sure is that stepmotherhood is bringing me closer to God, becuase I sure pray a whole lot more than I used to.
Other than that, I feel ashamed of myself frequently, because here is this child that needs love so much, and he makes my sin crawl. From the way he looks at me, to the sound of his voice, I just cringe. I love the weekends he goes to his mother's house because I can be a normal mom again.
Another positive might be that I don't feel like my skin is crawling all the time anymore, and that gives me some hope that I may be able to tolerate SS5 one day.
It has made me see that I am not such a bad parent after all...made me really appreciate my biological son's kind, gentle, and giving nature instead of focusing so much on his shortcomings.
Honestly, not a damn thing in my opinion. She's done nothing but try and ruin the best relationship I've ever had, stab me in the back and disrespect me and my husband.
I can't really say there is an advantage to having skids either - or being in that sort of situation.
It does make you feel like a bad person having negative feelings, and I hate it.
Problem is, these kids are here 24/7 around the clock, during summers and in between. Their BD is worthless and seems like enjoy not having them around. Now that we have custody of the two, there is no break in between and it has and will hurt this relationship. She doesn't understand it and I'm tired of explaining it.
For myself, honestly, I can't
For myself, honestly, I can't see anything positive, up to this point.
Neutral, yes.
Positive? Nah, I could easily do without them and were they to magically disappear, I can't see how it would take anything positive or advantageous at all away from my life.
Maybe after they grow up, in retrospect I will see what the positives were?? Let us hope...
I agree!
I agree!
Giving them back to BM? I
Giving them back to BM?
I never wanted kids so it reminds me that I did the right thing. Not that I ever question that, but it just confirms it.
It does teach you everything that Danger said and since my 9 year old niece practically lives with us, I am still learning! But I love her unconditionally whereas SD I don't.
"I never wanted kids so it
"I never wanted kids so it reminds me that I did the right thing. Not that I ever question that, but it just confirms it."
Bingo. Well said.
I'll second that. If anything
I'll second that.
If anything it reinforces why i've never wanted them and never will. I hate it when people say "you'll change your mind when you meet the right man". No i f**king won't ! I think I know my own mind thank you now butt out. Or the other one is when people ask if you have kids and you say no and they say "oh I am sorry". WHY???? i feel sorry for you having had kids.
Seeing the mistakes your
Seeing the mistakes your spouse has made in parenting and being able to head them off with your own kids, I mean parenting errors both in him and in yourself.
Originally, mine were quite fun to play board games with.
Not being able to have kids
Not being able to have kids of your own makes being a step-parent an even lonlier hell. I've been there. It just highlights how much you get the shitty parts without the reward.
I have become a worse person since being a smom. I have. I used to be nice. I used to be able to control my anger. I used to be able to put things into perspective. There is a side to me that I'm not proud of and stepparenting has brought it out. I am jaded. I can't listen to anyone talk about a deadbeat dad or an abusive mean dad or stepmother, or a poor single mother who was left for another woman without thinking "yeh, right".
Exactly!
Exactly!
Same here. The only 'neutral'
Same here. The only 'neutral' is that the oldest is 13 and can watch my son for a short period of time if I need her to. I can honestly say (and I hope DH never sees this), that even with some of the good days we've had lately, the good times are so few and far between, that if I never saw the three S/kids again, I wouldn't miss them for a second. Hate to say it, but it's just the truth.
I recently went to my doctor and told her all the new life events going on (DH and I just got married a few months ago), a few of the scenarios around the house, and apparently I'm getting anxiety-induced chest pains. I may have to get put on freaking MEDS to deal with these kids. Wtf.
Totally agree. My skids bring
Totally agree. My skids bring out the worst in me.
I'm free to do what I want
I'm free to do what I want when I want.
I don't have to put my wants on the back burner in order to meet their needs.
I don't have to plan my social life around their schedule.
I can't be blamed for their failures.
I don't have to pay for their mistakes.
If only what you say applied
If only what you say applied to me, I'd be convinced. I can't do what I want or be who I am when they're around because they feel offended. I have to meet their needs for the same of my DH and my marriage (not all of them, but some). My social life revolves around their schedule because my DH sucks at making a plan. He just goes with the flow. I have absolutely been blamed not only for their failures, but for their actions, mistakes, behaviors, emotions and pretty much everything bad that ever happens to them. And YES, I do pay for their mistakes and for the mistakes of their parents. I have been the punching bag in the family... not anymore though... DH got balls for Christmas and seems to be using them.
If what you say is true, I envy you!
***
***
I know I sound like I am
I know I sound like I am talking from la la land, but what i liked about having skids initially or what attracted me to the whole idea was the fact that I love kids so having them without labor for free sounded so awesome. In an ideal world stepkids will be a source of stress-relief from long hours at work because they are so simple and get excited for little things that you want to just hug them and kiss them. I guess it also gives you that feeling of being the adult or the mature responsible person for having them dependent on you. I also think that it is a rewarding experience for those that believe in an afterlife or just want to help human beings for the fact that they are human beings. Some people go to other continents to make a stranger's life better so why not a young kids life who happens to come from a broken family and is related to the person you love? There are people that open orphanages or sponsor a kid from an opportunity deprived country. but then I learned the reality that you can only love a kid that allows you to love them. Sometimes some of them don't want you in their lives because they have their own BM.
I can't think of any
I can't think of any positives that being a step parent have brought out for me. Being a step parent makes me feel like a really ugly person on the inside. I dislike a child. I babysat my whole life and have never felt the way I do about a child as I do her.
The worst part is she's a part of the man I love more than anyone else.
i agree with this all the
i agree with this all the way.
Agree. Being a step-parent
Agree. Being a step-parent has made me an ugly, negative person much of the time. I am trying to wall off that part of my life, and focus on good things going forward. When I think about how much time I lost due to my step kids, and how negative they made me, I grow very sad. Just trying to have a good attitude going forward.
Agreed. It makes me feel vile
Agreed. It makes me feel vile that I dislike or even them do much, yet every other child I meet I seem to get on with and bond with? It's frustrating.
I love my man though, and he loves me back which is what counts. And I know it's harsh but if they magically disappeared I think my world would be a better place !
Well said!
Well said!
Not trying to be a Negative
Not trying to be a Negative Nancy but they are definitely an efficient way of figuring out how you do not want to raise your own children.
LOL. Very true.
LOL. Very true.
Come on now. We can all agree
Come on now. We can all agree that it POSITIVELY sucks!
i suppose a postive thing
i suppose a postive thing could be if you wanted a daughter to shop with do girly stuff with since you only had boys that could be but youwould actually have to like and get along with the SD.... i used to think i could have fun doing girly stuff but SD is zero like me and likes to dress like BM who has no since of style whatsoever.
For me, the only positive I'm
For me, the only positive I'm getting out of it is seeing that I can actually be a good, effective parent. SS2 has changed so much since living with us, he says "Please" and "Thank you", I got him off the bottle and soother. Certain things he says I know he learned from me. If I can make that much of an impact on this trainwreck of a child, I must be doing something right. Lol. Oh, and it's allowed me to see my BF's parenting skills which totally changed my mind about having a baby with him - which is definitely POSITIVE because I could not stand his parenting my child the way he parents his! (Or lack thereof)
My SS is a good kid and I can
My SS is a good kid and I can see that the stability of our house is good for him and has made him a better kid. I have nothing nice to say about my SD. I can hardly tolerate being in the same room with her. It just depends. I have both positive and negative, but if they had never existed......i would have a LOT less stress in my life.
It's hard for me to come up
It's hard for me to come up with much.
I guess the memories of when they were just kids, and how it did feel like a family then. If things had continued like that, I would be able to say that even though I never had kids of my own, it would be the next best thing.
The positive now would be that I am a better person through all of this. I've learned a lot. If for some reason I ever become single again, I certainly will never get involved with someone that has kids again, even if they are grown and out of the house.
lol
lol
The good part about having
The good part about having stepkids is that you see you have made a contribution to their lives.I should add not all the time. In my case, my stepson is a well-mannered little boy,as independent as he could be for a 5-year old boy. And all these because of us, his dad and myself, not because of his mother.Hopefully, he will see some day that he had a normal life, stable and healthy, because of us and be grateful for that.
nothing positive. Actually,
nothing positive.
Actually, hold on... I was on the fence about having a baby. Now I know. Hell no..
I don't think there is a
I don't think there is a positive. It brings out an ugly resentful side of me that I wasn't aware of. I hate that to be with the man I love I have to make this tremendous sacrifice. I hope my relationship changes with ss as he gets older and realises he can form his own opinion of me instead of take on bm's. Maybe then I'll be more positive.
Actually I now can see my own stepparents perspectives. They struggled and I understand now. I think I am coping better than they did/are.
LMBO!!!! Is this a seriously
LMBO!!!! Is this a seriously legit question???!!!
If so....let me think...hmmmm....hmmmmm....I GOT NOTHING!!!!
I used to really enjoy having
I used to really enjoy having my sk around. They were nice ppl and tried to love on their dad since they didn't see him much. Then it all went to hell! Their older sister and BM poisoned them against their dad and that was it! I've personally always tried to be a better person around them, but you can only take so much! Now that they are teenagers I can't get rid of them fast enough! They are all about making BM happy and crapping on my DH. We literally always get blamed for everything and nothing BM does is wrong! Seriously, they can both do the exact same thing and he's an a-hole for doing it!!
My Sd16 used to be fun to be around and do things with. She is so selfish and self centered now that I just can't stand her! Everything has to be about her...always! I used to truly think this was great, I didn't have to have my own kids but still got to enjoy having kids around. If there is drama between the parents, you will learn to hate to have them around. Sad, but true! I am hoping that she lives with her mom full time so that we can start having a better relationship with her. Right now, I try to stay away as much as I can so I don't kill myself!
I knew before that I didn't want my own kids, I know now that I couldn't have made a better decision! I love my life without my sk and when it's just me and my DH!
Exactly!!! SKID-FREE LIFE IS
Exactly!!! SKID-FREE LIFE IS THEE BEST LIFE!!!!
I do love my skids...but its
I do love my skids...but its sooooooooooooo hard...and yes they make you feel ugly for stooping to a nasty or absentee level to just be able to deal. My life consists of me hiding in my room a lot.
I'm trying really hard to
I'm trying really hard to think of a positive to having skids...nope. None come to mind. Except for the fact that eventually his psycho mother will pick him up and I'll get a break from him. Does that count?
Sometimes they say funny
Sometimes they say funny stuff which adds humor to your life for a brief moment. That's all I got and it took me 2 days to come up with that. :/
I don't know. It is still
I don't know. It is still pretty early for me to single out positives.
The one I can think of for sure is that stepmotherhood is bringing me closer to God, becuase I sure pray a whole lot more than I used to.
Other than that, I feel ashamed of myself frequently, because here is this child that needs love so much, and he makes my sin crawl. From the way he looks at me, to the sound of his voice, I just cringe. I love the weekends he goes to his mother's house because I can be a normal mom again.
Another positive might be that I don't feel like my skin is crawling all the time anymore, and that gives me some hope that I may be able to tolerate SS5 one day.
It has made me see that I am
It has made me see that I am not such a bad parent after all...made me really appreciate my biological son's kind, gentle, and giving nature instead of focusing so much on his shortcomings.
I seriously can't think of
I seriously can't think of anything lol!
Honestly, not a damn thing in
Honestly, not a damn thing in my opinion. She's done nothing but try and ruin the best relationship I've ever had, stab me in the back and disrespect me and my husband.
~Mel
I can't really say there is
I can't really say there is an advantage to having skids either - or being in that sort of situation.
It does make you feel like a bad person having negative feelings, and I hate it.
Problem is, these kids are here 24/7 around the clock, during summers and in between. Their BD is worthless and seems like enjoy not having them around. Now that we have custody of the two, there is no break in between and it has and will hurt this relationship. She doesn't understand it and I'm tired of explaining it.
No room for me? Guess not - hey, I tried.