I really feel for you, especially with having a special-needs child it must be tiring, frustrating and like you are backed into a corner! You cannot refuse to ignore the child's needs but you sure as h3ll ain't getting paid for it! If anything, you are paying out the nose for the privilege! I also have the privilege of being the primary care-taker, along with DH, of my two step-sons (neither has a disability -- but I did!). BM was not in the picture for 12 MONTHS last year - not long compared to your situation but long enough to make me beg, especially when I also have few friends and no family in the vicinity. Then she would come and I'd have to drop out of the picture completely which I was both relieved to do but at the same time angry about because -I- was the one taking care of them...it's heart-breaking mess, eh?

So....that said, to answer your question about why your husband is doing that to you, in a nutshell, well, because you are letting him. That's the honest truth. But please, just because I said that, please keep reading, we ALL start off that way! There is always more to the story...

On the emotional front, I think things MAY get better for you around this time, just because the "experts" say that it's usually around the fifth year of being together that a blended family starts to solidify and become a unit. Indeed, around the 5th year is when the SM's start to try to seek help from forums like this one because they cannot handle it alone anymore.

You didn't say much about your husband except for the fact that he expects to to physically and financial care for the daughter, and the in-between the lines -- he "won't" do anything against the mother of his child, he "won't" take her to court because it will make things worse and he won't get anything anyways, he "might" lose custody, he "won't" make her take responsibility for her actions in any way, shape or form, he "won't" acknowledge that you are a valued, respected member of the family and that YOUR input into YOUR life COUNTS!".......

If you had been on this forum for a while there would definitely be a "blah, blah, blah" at the end!

I have seen a lot of situations where step-moms just have no idea what to do. They let their husbands and biomoms run rough-shod over their lives because they have no idea where the boundary lines are. They give and give and give until their big gold heart wears out and even then their husbands look at them and say, "you are so selfish for needing a break". Their situation is so unique, so hard to grasp in terms of the emotional involvement, and there's rarely anyone to talk to, that it seems many of them really have no idea how things SHOULD BE.

And by "should be", I don't mean to say there is a cookie-cutter way of fixing this situation. There isn't. By saying "should be", I mean, there are basic human rights that you are allowed to ask for. There is a certain way that your husband should be treating you or not treating you. There are certain ways the BM should be talking to you or not talking to you. You don't have control over whether those people DO those things, but you have control over your expectations of how you will be treated, and you make it clear to them as well. Let me give you an example...

-You have the RIGHT to know when the biological mother will be coming to your house to pick up the kids.

-You have the RIGHT to request that she give you x amount of notice before canceling a visitation with the kids.

And so on and so forth. There are more where those came from

We are also at the mercy of the BM about when she will and won't see the kids and I think a lot of the SM's on this site go through the same thing with a wishy-washy BM. Personally, I made it clear to my husband that I was fed up with her being able to do that and that after 5 years of this crap I will no longer tolerate her deciding to come down on a whim for weeks at a time after being absent for months and upend the entire household. I didn't care if she was mentally ill, we would just have to do what was right for OUR FAMILY and let the chips fall where they may. He actually agreed with that. If she doesn't take her visitation when she is supposed to, that's that, she doesn't get it later, she doesn't get to do double-time later. REASONABLE visitation works BOTH WAYS! That was -my- situation and I know that everyone's is different!

Okay, so, on the LEGAL side, in your case you are saying that you have a court-ordered visitation agreement? And she violates it by coming when she is not supposed to? That must drive you nuts because you get no notice and you are pissed about that but at the same time you need the break desperately!

Child support, sure, your husband can file for it. Not sure of the precise reason why he won't. Get it taken out of her paycheck via garnishment, do not allow her to send it to you, make sure that whether it is withheld from her paycheck or whether she is paying in cash, that she makes the payments to the central authority who will then forward them to you. That way there is a paper trail. My husband didn't want to take her to court, either. And it did turn out to be somewhat costly and it took a long time (about 8 months) but in the end he was able to see that it wasn't about money or whether he NEEDED the money or not (hey, we STILL need the money even though we are not bad off -- who doesn't need an extra sawbuck for boys' jeans that shrink every other week?!). It was about fighting FOR HIS CHILD on BEHALF of his child. She brought a child into the world and even if she doesn't support them emotionally or with essentials, she will damn well support them with money. (We will be putting CS into a college fund for them, or at the least a living fund because likely our retirement will go down the drain with the way this darned economy is moving! )

I'm a little confused about your statement that "or when i ask for money for our son its like u have it". Does that mean he is not contributing to expenses for your son? Is he not contributing for his daughter? Do you guys have a joint checking account together?

You will not get retroactive support, unfortunately, which is what you would have received had she been ordered to pay child support at the time of their custody agreement when they divorced, to the present date. (My husband's ex is in arrears of over 12k at this point).

The state may or may not be able to get the money from her, but at the least it shows the Court her willingness or refusal to take care of her children financially. In addition it forces her to provide you with a snapshot of her financial situation. She says she doesn't have money? My husband's ex swore up and down that she had not made more than 8k last year and that she didn't have to pay CS because the state exempted amounts under 8k. We discovered when we took her to court and ordered her to present her w-2's, that she had made over 13k! It exposed her as a liar with intent to defraud, especially because we got her saying it on tape. That's a lot of money for one person who is getting housing for free, especially when she told my husband, and I quote, "child support? I haven't paid you a dime."

On the legal side, unfortunately you cannot FORCE someone to take visitation their child. There are no laws on the books about that. Ironic, isn't it? They can FORCE us to take care of their child by simply not showing up, but we can't force THEM to take care of their child by taking the child and dropping them off!

My last thing that I would like to say? As the old adage goes, "Rome was not built in a day", and neither will a solid relationship between you and your husband be. Make a list of EVERYTHING that is bothering you about this whole situation and plan on it not being resolved for x amount of time, maybe a year. Even things like that you wish your husband would take care of the kids just once a week. Approach each piece of this on its own, it took me a long time to realize that my husband couldn't stand the way I would attack him with 20 different things at one time and I suspect that many men may be the same way. Then just keep wearing him down until he understands or agrees to at least adopt your take on things for a while. Just that ONE thing.

I really hope you find your way. Please take what you want and leave the rest. And, Welcome!

:jawdrop:

I had NO idea I had written that much! Sorry for the info overload!

~stepmum