Update on WHY DO YOU TRUST YOUR STEPKID + LONG TERM LIVING APART
Thanks again for your valuable input that finally helped me make the move I knew I had to.
I'm sitting at the kitchen table quaking in my boots. Ex DH came to talk things through. Something I had suggested to end on a positive note or at least to hear what he had to say.
I have never heard anyone say so many hateful, nasty things about me in the space of a few minutes. My jaw dropped open. The hatred in his eyes, the contempt in his voice. Here is someone who two days ago was cooking for my dad who is currently in town.
I don't think there is anything about me that he didn't tear apart. Hearing those things from someone that you assumed loved you is simply surreal. I haven't cried or anything. I'm just stunned. There is some semblance of relief on the horizon, but I know that the pain will bite in the next few days. The mornings, especially.
I also found out that the woman whose messages were on his phone back in May when we were on holiday, the one he left his family for a whooping 10 years ago, well he's been seeing her since the beginning of our relationships, ie 4 1/2 years ago. She had a kid two years ago. I asked him if the kid was his, as he had once commented on how the child was particularly beautiful and how he would have liked to have been the father of that child.
He claims they never slept together. I call bullshit.
He's getting a company off the ground now. It's going to be the first time since the beginning of our relationship when he won't be needing me, or so he thinks.
This is a man who I have cared for for 4 1/2 years. I have taken him to places he'd never been. Bought him books he never read. Been kind to him.
I simply cannot believe the virulence and the hatred. How did I manage to lie to myself for so long?
Ah! And I also found out that he DOES confide in SD16 about our relationship as "she is more adult than you are".
Oh the horror!!! It's like I saw all the red flags and kept on going until red just became the background theme.
I'm So Sorry
I cannot begin to imagine your pain right now. All of your emotions. All I can say is, thank the stars you found this out now and can move on to a healthy relationship.
It's sickening when these men talk to their KIDS about adult things.
Sending you a virtual hug.
I re-read your original post. Those SKs??? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. They learned that from their dad. Even better you are out of this mess.
Now you know why
the SKs are the way they are. Good riddance, you can do better. HUGS
I know you didn't ask for advice,
I know you didn't ask for advice, but since he is being such a jerk, please take some immediate steps to protect yourself financially if you have any mutual accounts or property. If you have joint accounts, open your own and a different bank and move at least half the money to the new accounts. If you have a mutual cell phone plan, get your own so he can't track your calls. Safeguard any personal property by temporarily moving it out of the house if that is a concern.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It might not be that you were lying to yourself as much as him being a good liar and not showing his true colors.
Thank you so much
Thank you all for being so friendly and supportive.
Thankfully I don't have anything in common with him. He owes me some money, but it's not a lot and I consider it the cost of a lesson. I think deep down I knew and so never trusted enough to marry or pool resources.
I am so glad I am out and feel so bad about all the people who get stuck with such monsters for life.
He texted after he left asking to retrieve some chairs that he decided to store here for years: total value US80. What a loser.
I have blocked him and all of his horrific family members on my phone. I never want to see his face ever again.
The morale of the story is: ALWAYS trust your gut and bail early on when anything feels off.
I'm so sorry for the pain you
I'm so sorry for the pain you're experiencing. It sounds as if you've been the target/victim of a conman/narcissist.
Please check out Chumplady.com. You're not the first, and you're not alone. You'll find lots of support from others who've been targeted for exploitation.
Remember, it's not you, it's them. You're the normal one.
Well, thank god you listened
Well, thank god you listened to your intuition and didn't marry/move in with this guy - it would be so much harder to disentangle yourself. I'd agree that this is more than just normal break-up anger for him to become so hateful and contemptuous - it also won't be the last you hear from him, is my guess,so be prepared for "love-bombing" and "hoovering". Chump Lady is a good resource, as offered by the poster above.
Wow, I'm sorry that he was so
Wow, I'm sorry that he was so hateful to you. He's just mad that you weren't buying his bullshit, anymore.
Tell him he can retrieve the chairs when he pays you the money he owes you.
You will do great on your own.
Don't forget to take his new
Don't forget to take his new business when you leave. Enjoy your new narcissist free life.
Well done for trusting your gut
Well done for ending it. As other's have said Chumplady is a great resource for bad breakups.
Chumplady is amazing!!!
Thank you for the tip!
Love bombing and his ex girlfriend
I'm not sure I know what hoovering means, but I think I have now gotten through the love-bombing phase. It only lasted 24 hours. I think it could have been worse: 40 missed calls and one long email explaining why I'm so terrible but why I am still loved (although I probably shouldn't be).
Sorry, but what a crap attempt at a save. It's so bad, I'm actually offended. It gets worse, actually.
"You want to throw away everything because of your perception that i cheated on you." --> perceptions, hmmm. Dangerous things in other people, aren't they? Makes them harder to manipulate.
"You threatened me and an innocent family". The threat in question? --> if he continued to contact me I'd find his "friend"s husband and tell him they've been hanging out behind my back. Something tells me he doesn't know his wife very well.
I texted: all fine. I won't do anything against you or your 'friend'.
And guess what? The love bombing stopped.
Sort of suggests that my exDH freaked out that they might get caught by someone who mattered: the woman's husband, and that DH would have to provide for her financially when the husband rightly put her butt out on the street.
Funny how people like this only find it fun when they're playing behind other people's backs. Let's see how fun their secret friendship is now that it has blown up in his face and could very well blow up in hers too if anyone were to find out.
Chumplady on Hoovering
https://www.chumplady.com/2021/09/is-this-hoovering/?fbclid=IwAR0MyVw_UQ...
Hoovering is when they try to get you to come back to them for some reason or another. The holiday hoovering is a s[ecial type of hoovering that happens during the holidays because they need someone as a date or want someone to cuddle with and drink hot chocolate.
In this case the hoovering wasnt hoovering it was more "image management" and "damage control" because you threatened this affair that he was having. Or that you "percieved" he was having...
You did so dodge a bullet there! I know it hurts now, but you will feel so much lighter and things will look brighter, and you will defintely find joy ahead, F@ckwit Free. Thats a designation on Chumplady too. I read her snarky columns every now and then.
Go total no contact as you have been. Good luck!
Mmm... why not?!
Get comfortable and drop the mother load on her spouse. Why the hell not. If you were him, wouldn't you wish to have the same respect?
Let them grieve their losses together, good riddance. Pigs.
Let him sulk in who he has ruined 2 relationsihps over. He wants her so damn bad.. assist in letting him have her. *diablo*
Hoovering. As in the vacuum
Hoovering. As in the vacuum (Hoover). In the vernacular it is an attempt to suck you back in.
As I understand it.
Sending you a Big Virtual hug
I can not imagine what you are going through!
Words said can not be taken back.
Good luck and know that you are not the problem.
I do hope your new begining and time will heal you.
Warmest regards Jake