Fourteen Years Ago Today
The last of Chef's three ferals PASed out over a (delicious) homecooked meal. The culmination of scorched earth, take no prisoners, guerilla warfare PAS tactics on the part of the Girhippo and Clan. There was zero backing for co-parenting and parallel parenting was almost impossible due to Chef voluntarily giving the Girhippo all the power.
Finally there was a modicum of peace after 5 years of intense shelling and mortaring of alienation bombs. At this point YSS (the HousesHitter stb 7) was out of control and had huge behavioral problems due to the 24/7 brainwashing.
The older two had PASed out a year before very gradually after the Girhippo had made wild claims to CPS about us and had started an investigation using her pull as an actual CPS worker. Before I had totally disengaged I actually spent almost a year getting it overturned by gathering evidence and contacting the various authorities.
It was the final straw that broke the camel's back however. The older two had started making up ridiculous excuses why they couldn't come to visitation which were actually entitlement sessions with Chef trying to buy their love with money we didn't have after overpaying non arrears CS.
Fourteen years of relative peace and quiet. Still have PTSD about the years before then. It was all surreal.
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The PTSD is real. The outside
The PTSD is real. The outside world is hard enough but then when drama and stress start to infiltrate your home, you have nowhere to recharge. Home should be a safe and peaceful place to decompress.
So often these kids end up maladjusted from the trauma of divorce (not always, depends on how the parents handle it) and we walk into a war that was started long ago.
The CPTSD is real, too.
The CPTSD is real, too.
I feel this to my core. BM
I feel this to my core. BM fought DH so hard for the last 11 years, denying overnight visits for 5 years, then only giving him 6 weeks of long distance visitation per year, all so her GF can raise SS and BM can work and focus on her career. BM never wanted to raise kids, but she didn't want to lose custody and control to DH either, so she kept SS, fought to maintain sole custody, but pawns him off on everyone else. Whenever DH pointed this out, BM would immediately shame him and blame him for being a deadbeat Dad and a terrible father and her having to be the only parent and pick up all his slack, etc despite DH never missing a CS payment, always begging for more time, and staying as involved as he could without BM's interference.
SS often complains about how his childhood has been nothing but school, sports, and chores because BM doesn't know how to let him be a kid and BM doesn't know how to raise/engage a kid. He is an adult with responsibilities at BMs. At our house, he is treated like a kid and is allowed to have fun. He is much more balanced and relaxed here, but he is too brainwashed to ever think of leaving BM or living with us. He still treats us like Aunt/uncle or extended relatives at best.
We have mostly dropped rope. BM won. She maintains full control, collects full CS, and DH doesn't fight a damn thing. It isn't worth the abuse. DH and I both have PTSD and still have terrible anxiety every time BM sends an email. It's always "oh God, what did we do now?" Thank God we only have 7 years left, which still feels too long.
Same here. BM doesn't seem to
Same here. BM doesn't seem to like being a mother. She complains relentlessly and was often sending skids off to someone else's house on her weekends, but she absolutely refused to give DH any more time than he was allowed in the CO....unless she needed a babysitter and couldn't find anyone else. She also tried to dictate everything they did at our home and then told them everything at our home was bad and lame.
I dropped the rope long ago and I think DH largely has, too. Skids weren't totally PA'd out, but they haven't seen DH as a "parent" in years. I'm not sure I have PTSD, but we had one year that was absolutely miserable and I considered moving away just to get away from it all. I have minimal relationship with DH's family because they also got involved, on behalf of BM and it's still a bit of a wedge with DH, because I became a target and I don't feel like he did enough to defend me.
We have a little under 9 months left...
I feel for those who have lived this kind of tragic step life.
I struggle to understand why anyone would think anything is worth tolerating this kind of crap.
Writting off the toxic has to happen, better sooner than later, if there is a decent ending in these stories.
I am thrilled you made it through tt.
Congrats on the years of
Congrats on the years of peace! It would be better to have peace with a good relationship with skids, but peace without any relationship is better than bullshite!