Tired of parenting the SK's
I have 2 grown sons, my husband has 2 sons, 9 &13 that he has custody of. We don't get much of a break from BM. I have been doing this for almost 4 yrs and I said to my DH this past spring that it really is BM's turn to take the SK's for a few weeks this summer. She did end up taking them but not without MUCH drama...as usual. Of course DH's family think I am satan for asking for a break. There are a couple of fundamental problems that I just can't seem to get past.
1. BM dosen't want the kids, we pretty much have to fight her to get her see them. She is also by the way...Bi polar.
2. DH is a work motivated guy, he works 60+ hrs a week. Never expected to ever have custody of kids, would be happier to work, pat them on the head when he gets home and forget about it.
3. I feel like the hired help, as much as I love DH, he never should have had kids, BM never should have had kids, neither of them really want them.
4. So I am raising 2 kids, that frankly....I don't want to raise, but am stuck cause no one else is raising them. I am extremely resentful and angry. The older SK (13)I'm pretty sure is also Bipolar, we have 'episodes' of tearing doors off hinges, holes in walls, is disrespectful, defiant and a discipline problem.
5. I have been telling DH that he needs to step up and be a father, kids after all want their bio parents, they don't want us. He gives me the obligatory lip service as how he's going to change or get SS to a psychiatrist long enough to shut me up, and then it's back to business as usual. This year (and he's had a years notice), I said 'look, you have to deal with older SS, either this year you step up as a parent, be involved in their lives, discipline them, get older one to a Psychiatrist OR if you don't want to deal with him, then have his BM keep him, but I am DONE. Of course BM didn't want him, she called the cops on SS twice for tearing up HER house and immediately wanted to send him back. We said "Yeah well welcome to our world".
6. Long story short...he picked up both kids, has them at his Mom's at least for the weekend, HOPING I'll cool down. My point is that there is no way he'll father these kids unless he HAS to. Should I move out for awhile and let him live my hell? Maybe then he'll get SS to psychiatrist?
Even if he does get SS help, I am not willing to put the effort that I was before, I want him to take responsibility for his own kids even if it means that he has to cut back on hours. I want him to make sure they make sports practice, make it the DR, make them get off their butts and chip in on the house work etc. Am I really that unreasonable????
I need help, I really feel like just grabbing clothes and moving in with a friend until he gets it right, or if he dosent...I guess it's better to be on my own than to have to take responsibility for kids that I have no control over.
Thoughts? Anyone?
zuzie
I know how you feel. My
I know how you feel. My situation is differnt, but boy do i have empathy. We have sole custody of kiddo (5) and bm is about like yalls. H is a wonderful loving father, who at the moment sees his responsiblities as a parent to extend to occasionally being present in the same space as his son and maybe, maybe, reading him a story at night (if he's home). so i raise kiddo. basically by myself. bm refuses to talk to me about kiddo. refuses to see the benefit in maybe being civil to the woman who raises her child who she abandoned...and routinely screams about how none of it is my business. so, its none of my business. h gets done talking to her, and then talks to me. because he is clueless. voluntarily clueless. i am very resentful about it. but thats life. i can empathize. its hard. some days it makes me angry. some days it makes me sad. some days i dont care at all and forget that kiddo isnt actually my child. its hard to raise a child day in and day out, make sacrifices for the kid, come to love the kid and then be told over and over that i have no say and i dont matter and im disposable. its really really hard.
Well ya know I got the
Well ya know I got the youngest one when he was 5 almost 6, so the transition was much easier, I am more like his mother than a SM. The older one was 9 at the time and OMG it's been DRAMA with him since day 1, the boy is very unbalanced. I can love my husband even if he has an 'unbalanced' son, as long as HE is dealing with it and not leaving me to take the abuse.
I had to laugh about BM....I don't even have a NAME as far as she's concerned....I am refered to as 'that blonde woman that lives in your house'. So nope, there is no communication there which is really her loss, and you are totally right, we raise these kids and if these BM's had even half a clue, they'd want to be nice to the women that raise their children. Way back I attempted to try to 'connect' with BM figuring that she'd want to know who was raising her kids, and again you're right just yelling and screaming and to my DH 'How dare you include 'that woman' in a conversation about OUR children??!!' Hmmmmm....well because you are both clueless??
Thanks for the response....and you're right about the feelings changing from day to day..some days I feel awful like Cruella Deville for wanting my own life, and some days I feel like I'm all they have and I have to do it. It's just plain hard.
yes, move out and let him
yes, move out and let him handle working 60+ hrs a week and having 2 underage children to care for. that should teach him to.....
1. see just how his chidren are.
2. appreciate what u do.
3. realize how tough it is.
4. maybe decide if he should continue fathering these children or maybe find suitable homes for them.
its so funny how these men automatically assume that the stepmother should be the most active 'parent' in their children's lives. its funny how much they expect us to be there and do, do,do, while they get to have the title of 'parent' but none of the work.
if u are that stressed, then please take a stand. one thing we have to learn is that even if they left us, we would still win cause THEY would have to lift a finger or two.