StepLady's picture
Things are worse than ever, how to fix this? Please?
Submitted by StepLady on Mon, 12/01/2014 - 8:39pm
General Discussion
Well, my dd is asleep at her friends house and one set of skids there with DH and one at home with their crazy mom. DH and I talked on the phone, he is very mad that I am in a hotel and he does not know where. We talked over his cussing out of my ex. And it just not about my ex, its about him being disrespectful of ME and MY ex and MY phone you see? He is not getting it! He just asked if my ex was flying up here to be with me! Fuck no! Get off that!
Anyways, the conversation got just really sad and awful. I feel he has been very controlling with me by even looking at the text and then responding with out my permission. Then there is the fact that he desperately wants to get me pregnant! Why? He has four! I have one! We agreed to none when we married but he has changed his mind and I have been on the fence about it. He is in his forties! Its been over a year since his heart attack, he needs to get back to normal already! I told him I am sick of being babied by him, he said he does not baby he "treasures" me and wants to "protect" me all the time. Is this normal? It sounds so crazy to me! It sounds weird and it made me feel ashamed. I asked him why, what does he love about me, he said "You are gorgeous and you are a great mother." That made me feel weird too. Those things I feel are not loving me for ME, for who I AM. Most moms are good at it. It comes natural to most, as it should. As far as my looks, I cant control that either, thats just my good genes from my mom. I think those reasons are shallow and foolish and he must NOT EVEN know me at all if he thought I wanted to hear that, cause I don't! I thought he loved for me, because I am kind or funny or I am a just person or nice or just something beyond being a mom or being "hot". He went on about how he spoils me all the time, and he does and its nice its awesome its great, never been treated so well in my life, but I was a middle class housewife years ago and sometimes I felt more fulfilled that way, then just being spoiled. I want a partner who loves me for me, not makes me a princess and an employee with lots of "perks". Yes he is romantic and loving and caring, but I do not feel like an equal after this day. Would you?
I was so independent before him and even before my first husband. I came to US, knew no one, got a job, found a place to live, got my drivers license, went to school. I did all that as a very young adult all by myself. That will always be a big deal to me. I have a lot of pride over what I did! Then I met my ex while working! Then that did not work out for many reasons, but I went back to work and did the single mom lifestyle by myself with out crying and carrying on and then I met him. I moved to his state, his town, his home! I have helped him all the time with the home, the kids, the driving, the remodels, the courts, the businesses, the heart attack. He has employees and is wildly successful and that is great! He worked hard for it all! He struggled too. But I am not a poor trashy girl that needed a daddy to raise me! I told him tonight, "You cant raise your wife! I am a grown up too, treat me like one or you will never ever see me again!" And I mean it! Is there any changing this? Is it possible or right or worth it?
My heart breaks for my dd is all and the skids, we are a family after all. If I thought I would never ever see my skids again I would be so sad! I love them! Especially my older two ss. I have been with them and have bonded with them and they are so good to my dd, they adore her. But I wont stay a kid to please the kids. Whatever happens I AM going to get a job! I am! And if he wont accept it too bad! He has many employees, he can get some new ones to babysit and drive kids and do homework and clean and cook. I can work and he can get outside help. Or I can work and leave and never look back at him! We have no "ours" baby! There is nothing to make me stay! I will go back to state I originally moved to before my ex had me travel all over with him for his career. I worked my ass off to even get here, and I can do it all over again if I have to. I am not little princess at all, I am a bad ass bitch who can do it all for myself and my dd as I have in the past! I have been accused of being a golden digger in the past, and he has been accused of being a guy with a trophy for a wife, and it felt awful, I knew we were not those people.
I know I love him more than any man on this planet and if it doesnt work out I will never find anyone the way I love him, I would miss him for the rest of my life. But if he will not accept that things are changing, the talk of an "ours" baby is off the table until I say it is not, and I will work outside the home and he will stop the gits and overtures all the time and let me do for my own self, and he will deal with his own messes and nonsenses and I will be just the wife, not the second mama, not little princess, not treasure, not toy for him and get some counseling for both of us, or it is done! When I left my ex I left with nothing and I can do it again and I will if this man is not going to change his ways. He travels all the time and has that helped us to stay married and in love? He always tells me he is so proud of me that I stay behind and do it all alone, well that is nothing! I really did it all alone before him! And my ex would get sent places all the time for months and months for not good money and I made the best of it all. I stayed faithful and worked on everything alone! I am a good person and I am good mom and good wife and daughter and sister and friend. I will not be the oldest daughter to him and a lover a mini wife like everyone says here either. I will be the parent of the kids and they will all follow all the rules or they will not come over, and he will be the parent to them too, not of me! And he will be my partner or he will be my second failed marriaged! Can this be fixed with counseling or trial seperations? Is this going to be the end of us together as a pair? Do I mean what I am saying? Is it just anger and sadness and wine and my own taste of being on my own in a hotel with no kids? Will I regret showing him who is the boss? I know I love this man more than I have ever ever loved anyone else outside of my dd. I know that he is a great father to his kids and mine, but I know I want me, I want me to be happy and loved, not adored not fussed over not wtf "treasured" means. I want my own job and I think maybe it can be fixed? Am I too wrong? Is he too wrong? What would anyone else here do? What is the best? Please apreciate when I left my first ex, I was done! I was not regretting, there was no guessing I knew I was done. I dont know if I feel done now, I am not so sure, but I do know I am not me, and not happy, but could I be? I have no one to ask! If I tell my mom she will just want me and dd to move home and will not be happy til I do! She tried that after I left my other ex. If I tell my sister, she will want me home and will come down here and pack my bags! So you see I don't have family to ask. What would you women do? And how would you go about it? Can a husband be changed by help from outside and others? Will it last? Is it the best?
So now he is accusing you of cheating on him with your ex? Asking if your ex is going to meet you at the hotel? He just doesn't get it, does he?
Maybe the two of you can have a real discussion about all of this after a cooling down period. He needs to realize that you are his partner, not his prize. He doesn't own you.
I will try to edit, never did that before. I am so so tired, I have not slept all. I just texted with a friend and watched tv with my dog and drank wine.
StepLady's picture Things are
StepLady's picture
Things are worse than ever, how to fix this? Please?
Submitted by StepLady on Mon, 12/01/2014 - 8:39pm
General Discussion
Well, my dd is asleep at her friends house and one set of skids there with DH and one at home with their crazy mom. DH and I talked on the phone, he is very mad that I am in a hotel and he does not know where. We talked over his cussing out of my ex. And it just not about my ex, its about him being disrespectful of ME and MY ex and MY phone you see? He is not getting it! He just asked if my ex was flying up here to be with me! Fuck no! Get off that!
Anyways, the conversation got just really sad and awful. I feel he has been very controlling with me by even looking at the text and then responding with out my permission. Then there is the fact that he desperately wants to get me pregnant! Why? He has four! I have one! We agreed to none when we married but he has changed his mind and I have been on the fence about it. He is in his forties! Its been over a year since his heart attack, he needs to get back to normal already! I told him I am sick of being babied by him, he said he does not baby he "treasures" me and wants to "protect" me all the time. Is this normal? It sounds so crazy to me! It sounds weird and it made me feel ashamed. I asked him why, what does he love about me, he said "You are gorgeous and you are a great mother." That made me feel weird too. Those things I feel are not loving me for ME, for who I AM. Most moms are good at it. It comes natural to most, as it should. As far as my looks, I cant control that either, thats just my good genes from my mom. I think those reasons are shallow and foolish and he must NOT EVEN know me at all if he thought I wanted to hear that, cause I don't! I thought he loved for me, because I am kind or funny or I am a just person or nice or just something beyond being a mom or being "hot". He went on about how he spoils me all the time, and he does and its nice its awesome its great, never been treated so well in my life, but I was a middle class housewife years ago and sometimes I felt more fulfilled that way, then just being spoiled. I want a partner who loves me for me, not makes me a princess and an employee with lots of "perks". Yes he is romantic and loving and caring, but I do not feel like an equal after this day. Would you?
I was so independent before him and even before my first husband. I came to US, knew no one, got a job, found a place to live, got my drivers license, went to school. I did all that as a very young adult all by myself. That will always be a big deal to me. I have a lot of pride over what I did! Then I met my ex while working! Then that did not work out for many reasons, but I went back to work and did the single mom lifestyle by myself with out crying and carrying on and then I met him. I moved to his state, his town, his home! I have helped him all the time with the home, the kids, the driving, the remodels, the courts, the businesses, the heart attack. He has employees and is wildly successful and that is great! He worked hard for it all! He struggled too. But I am not a poor trashy girl that needed a daddy to raise me! I told him tonight, "You cant raise your wife! I am a grown up too, treat me like one or you will never ever see me again!" And I mean it! Is there any changing this? Is it possible or right or worth it?
My heart breaks for my dd is all and the skids, we are a family after all. If I thought I would never ever see my skids again I would be so sad! I love them! Especially my older two ss. I have been with them and have bonded with them and they are so good to my dd, they adore her. But I wont stay a kid to please the kids. Whatever happens I AM going to get a job! I am! And if he wont accept it too bad! He has many employees, he can get some new ones to babysit and drive kids and do homework and clean and cook. I can work and he can get outside help. Or I can work and leave and never look back at him! We have no "ours" baby! There is nothing to make me stay! I will go back to state I originally moved to before my ex had me travel all over with him for his career. I worked my ass off to even get here, and I can do it all over again if I have to. I am not little princess at all, I am a bad ass bitch who can do it all for myself and my dd as I have in the past! I have been accused of being a golden digger in the past, and he has been accused of being a guy with a trophy for a wife, and it felt awful, I knew we were not those people.
I know I love him more than any man on this planet and if it doesnt work out I will never find anyone the way I love him, I would miss him for the rest of my life. But if he will not accept that things are changing, the talk of an "ours" baby is off the table until I say it is not, and I will work outside the home and he will stop the gits and overtures all the time and let me do for my own self, and he will deal with his own messes and nonsenses and I will be just the wife, not the second mama, not little princess, not treasure, not toy for him and get some counseling for both of us, or it is done! When I left my ex I left with nothing and I can do it again and I will if this man is not going to change his ways. He travels all the time and has that helped us to stay married and in love? He always tells me he is so proud of me that I stay behind and do it all alone, well that is nothing! I really did it all alone before him! And my ex would get sent places all the time for months and months for not good money and I made the best of it all. I stayed faithful and worked on everything alone! I am a good person and I am good mom and good wife and daughter and sister and friend. I will not be the oldest daughter to him and a lover a mini wife like everyone says here either. I will be the parent of the kids and they will all follow all the rules or they will not come over, and he will be the parent to them too, not of me! And he will be my partner or he will be my second failed marriaged! Can this be fixed with counseling or trial seperations? Is this going to be the end of us together as a pair? Do I mean what I am saying? Is it just anger and sadness and wine and my own taste of being on my own in a hotel with no kids? Will I regret showing him who is the boss? I know I love this man more than I have ever ever loved anyone else outside of my dd. I know that he is a great father to his kids and mine, but I know I want me, I want me to be happy and loved, not adored not fussed over not wtf "treasured" means. I want my own job and I think maybe it can be fixed? Am I too wrong? Is he too wrong? What would anyone else here do? What is the best? Please apreciate when I left my first ex, I was done! I was not regretting, there was no guessing I knew I was done. I dont know if I feel done now, I am not so sure, but I do know I am not me, and not happy, but could I be? I have no one to ask! If I tell my mom she will just want me and dd to move home and will not be happy til I do! She tried that after I left my other ex. If I tell my sister, she will want me home and will come down here and pack my bags! So you see I don't have family to ask. What would you women do? And how would you go about it? Can a husband be changed by help from outside and others? Will it last? Is it the best?
So now he is accusing you of
So now he is accusing you of cheating on him with your ex? Asking if your ex is going to meet you at the hotel? He just doesn't get it, does he?
Maybe the two of you can have a real discussion about all of this after a cooling down period. He needs to realize that you are his partner, not his prize. He doesn't own you.
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I will try to edit, never did
I will try to edit, never did that before. I am so so tired, I have not slept all. I just texted with a friend and watched tv with my dog and drank wine.