In law vs Step In law? Opnions wanted.
So a friend at my job is in a this situation, she was a single mom, met a guy and fell in love. They planned their wedding,she got a long well with everyone in the family except for hubby's step mom. Step mom was too pushy, bitchy, over involved, self serving, opinionated etc. Clash of the Titans ensued basically. So she married her DH and they asked that step mom not come to wedding for various reasons. Step mom stayed away so did father and half brother and his family. The couple was understand of that. They have no contact with step mom since (several years now) and now have to little boys. They are the only grand kids of DH's father. DH wants his kids to know his dad but not the step mom. Step mom sent some texts saying she will not allow her husband to be a grandfather if she is not allowed to be the grandmother of these kids. She also said that she does not want her to be the grandpa of DH's step kids and has no interest in seeing them either. So things are at a stand still in the family for now. DH has talked to his dad and visited him at a deli. Step mom showed up at one of these. She was not invited by DH but DH was kind to her and pretended to be ok with. DH did not bring his wife and she was happy with that.
So now what? What advice would you give? Would your position in Step hell change the perspective you have? I do not think this is so much a step problem as an in law problem do you agree? Would you let your DH be a grandpa with out you involved why or why not?
Other background, Step mom did not raise this DH nor put him through school or anything like that. Although married to his father for many years, he does not feel like step mom is his mother but did have a decent relationship with her as he is a passive person and she is not.
Well, I don't "let" my dh do
Well, I don't "let" my dh do or be anything. He is an adult and a quite competent one at that.
I would probably advise the man -- the dh of your friend -- to ask his dad (alone) if he is happy? Is everything ok in his life? If dad does not indicate he is being held hostage via a chip implanted in his neck the that's that. Son can say, well, gosh Dad, I feel really hurt that I don't see you more and you don't know my kids. Then it's dad's turn to speak and he may or may not say he feels the same pain. It's really up to these 2 men to solve this problem.
I agree too. They keep using
I agree too. They keep using the term SM above, but what about her relationship and real role, by the way, as dad's wife!? Would anyone even think of inviting uncle Harry but insisting his wife Lois stay at home and be totally uninvolved? Would anyone even think of inviting brother Arnold to family events and insisting his wife Betty stay completely out of everything and mind her own business. NO--absolutely no one would think of that. BUT, there is supposed to be no problem telling dad's wife to go take a hike. Another thing that bugs me too is acting like, "Well, she really did nothing for me." Oh, really. Just like any married couple, they rely on a combined income, and believe me, dad's wife had to make sacrifices at her husband's kids' expense in relation to child support, medical bills, etc., even if she had no children of her own. Whether you call her SM or dad's wife, if she was married to dad for years, and she was, she has done a terrific amount for his children, regardless of what some ignorant adult SK might think.
Now that I've said that, in some ways it does come down to what dad and son want. Personally, I wouldn't stand in the way of my husband wanting a relationship on his own with any of his children. However, it appears this dad doesn't want to risk offending his wife, and why should he? She is is wife. He is with her 24/7, and, this might be a big shock to some, but he does ACTUALLY love her. When she is disrespected, he feels disrespected too. I mean, really, what is more important here? To have some kind of relationship with your father or to keep reminding SM (or dad's wife) that you think she is an unworthy ass? You can't even suck it up for two hours here and there and have her in your presence, when, believe me, she had to suck it up big time and many a time for junior?!
Here is the tricky part of
Here is the tricky part of all of this. You are hearing your friend's perception of the situation that her husband has told her. However, this is the man's step mother we are talking about here and all of here know that step moms have a bad wrap. Bio moms can behavior worse, do things, say things that would not be accepted if it were the step mom but when it is bio mom doing the very same then all is good, all is justified. When there is a person who had hard feelings fro the step parent I do not see it all as the step parent's fault. It could likely be that the step child simply did no like the step parent and so anything and everything that this person did or said was wrong, just like we have seen here over and over again.
One thing the bio child might not fully understand is the true dynamics that underlay with the bio parents and the relationship the bio parent has with the step parent. Let me give you an example, when I met my husband 26 years ago BM had not been in the picture, we met 3 years after their divorce. My intentions were to be friendly to his ex, try to create a friendship with her and be on friendly terms. That absolutely was not in her thoughts and she made this very clear to me. I had actually not experienced such down right hostility and why? Here I am being a big part of her sons' lives and she is rejecting any sort of friendship....makes no sense! Every time the boys would come back from a visit from their mom we'd hear all the terrible things she had said, she didn't even know me. She was filling her sons's ears with hate because, in my opinion, she wanted her sons all to herself and she wanted her sons to hate me. When you do not give your child permission to love the step parent and the bio fills the child's head with trash about the step parent the damage can be, and often times is, very damaging to the relationship the child has with the step parent. So could it be that your friend's husband has very tainted views of his step mom based on garbage talk his bio mom said about her??
My youngest SS did not invite either his dad or I to his wedding and told us that his mom would not have allowed us in her house. When the oldest SS got married (just recently) he sent our teen daughter her personal invitation and he sent my husband his own invitation and then he contacted my husband and asked that I not attend. My husband was quite upset over his son's actions. I initially dismissed it. I then spoke to my counselor and I will pass on his advise. Whatever you decide as a couple sets a standard so if husband attends without me then the steps will think this is always to be permitted....babies births, holidays, etc. Husband wrote his son and told him that he would only attend with me by his side. His son did not reply, husband did not attend wedding.
I think your friend is supporting a husband who might very well have a very tainted view and I am not sure she deserves the hard rap that he is giving her. Just a hard one for me to swallow.
Full confrontation and zero
Full confrontation and zero tolerance is what I suggest your friend and her DH do with his toxic bitch of a SM. If she wants to play games, then you win the game by destroying her as broadly as possible. If your friend's FIL understands that he can't see his son or grand child with his toxic wife present then FIL knows she is a toxic bitch who must be destroyed. He can take whatever side he wants but ..... she needs to go.
Most of all your friend has to have fun. It makes it that much more enjoyable if you have fun destroying the toxic opposition regardless of what side of the blended family equation they are on.
Your friend's husband seems to have his head in the right place.
Somehow I missed this one!
Somehow I missed this one! What do you mean? I am not sure if this is sarcasm or what?
This sounds to me like a
This sounds to me like a personality conflict that was blown out of proportion by all parties, and I would go so far to say probably because SM and your friend probably have the same controlling personality. Usually when you get two controllers together, they usually either wind up being besties or hating on each other. Questions to ask: Would you be okay with your spouse going off to family events without you 100% of the time? Would your spouse want to go to family events 100% of the time without you? Sometimes the shoe doesn’t fit quite as good on the other foot.
My friend is hurt by this
My friend is hurt by this woman who wants to visit but not see or hear about her own kids, her DH's step kids! So step mom wants to be valued but ignore and alienate kids are not her own step sons, that is pretty wacky to me! As far as child support goes his father never paid any from what I am told. His mother raised him totally on her own and but he did visit his dad and have a low conflict relationship. He has never valued his step mother's personality and has had a few conflicts with her himself as an adult but is pretty passive and mostly blew her off. I am aware of course as a Step mother myself that I am only hearing the one side story and I do not spend time thinking about their family too often. She is a co worker of mine that I do like and we talk often. I was just curious on the take on this here as it is kind of a smom problem and kind of an in law problem as well. If it was my skids as adults I would be so hurt myself! I would be disgusted! However, I am part of their lives so often and DH supports them. If they wanted to see DH with out me I would honor that as if they wanted no part of me I would want no part of them or their kids or step kids etc and would spend time doing things I enjoy instead. I would also accept anything I had done to alienate skids spouses or cause drama. I would also not deny DH kids and grandkids holiday time. They would not be welcome here though! He could go visit but I would not want to leave MY home to accommodate them. I have met her DH he is very nice, and I am sure torn over this. It sounds very uncomfortable for sure!
According to friend, the
According to friend, the wedding drama initially started over something that was said to her children by Smom, then it continued to escalate in a bad way. It sounds like they were both at fault and both extremely stubborn and even immature. I did not know friend at that time however so I can only go by what I have been told. I do think this story is strange and I am curious how it will play out or how anyone else would handle it. The dynamic is weird to me. Stepmom wants her relationship with her step son and his kids to be acknowledged and respected but is out spoken about the kids he did not father, that is the part I think is really messed up though. Friend's DH was going to send some new photos to his dad and propose to meet the last I heard, so I am curious how it will play out. It's just kind of weird to me.
Sounds like your friend is a
Sounds like your friend is a b*tch just like the SM. DH and his son like the same kind of women.