Skids events and BM boundaries
In our CO it states that the other parent can attend sporting/swimming/activities even when it's not their parenting time. Pretty standard. BM not only attends but monopolizes our time with both kids. She will get them to sit with her, call them over every minute, cuddle them and coddle them (basically rock them in her arms in public - I must mention that SD is a big 7 year old and looks ridiculous). She hangs outside the dressing rooms and walks hand and hand with SD7 and SS5 to our car and kisses and hugs them for another 5 mins until DH cuts it off then acts like a wounded bird. Does anyone have any experience with dealing with this sort of thing? What works? Can we change the agreement to give us time and space to enjoy our children?
I get that it's probably
I get that it's probably annoying, but they're her kids. If DH and I split, I'd probably do the same. I will cuddle my kids for as long as they will let me. 5 is still very young, and 7 isn't too old either. Size doesn't matter. I was very tall for my age, and my mother was very conscious that it looked odd for her to insist on holding my hand across streets etc, but she knew it was age appropriate.
No answers except if your DH cuddles them first, she'll have to wait her turn. Sorry to say it, but like Tommar said, they're hers, not yours.
It's DH that has issue with
It's DH that has issue with this. He is an equal parent in every sense of the word and doesn't look to me for any parenting support. He has shared custody, pays support, takes them to school, makes lunches, picks them up from school, does homework and takes them to all Drs appointments without my assistance. I have two children of my own and I am very fulfilled, I am not looking to be their mother or mother them in any way. When I referenced 'our' children, I meant all four and yes we are a blended family and we enjoy our time together. BM is compromising DH's time with his children and he's furious. The cuddling in public is inappropriate because they crawl all over her as if she's a jungle gym. And it typically ends poorly in them kicking or bumping into someone. Not to mention that while all the other kids in the arena and field are socializing with one another the skids are glued to her and then they complain that 'everyone excludes them'. As a BM I understand how important it is for children to bond with their fathers, I can't imagine monopolizing their time in order to fulfill my needs.
" The cuddling in public is
" The cuddling in public is inappropriate because they crawl all over her as if she's a jungle gym. And it typically ends poorly in them kicking or bumping into someone. Not to mention that while all the other kids in the arena and field are socializing with one another the skids are glued to her and then they complain that 'everyone excludes them'."
Who are you to say it's 'inappropriate'? I don't suggest Dad get the not so bright idea to tell BM when and how to interact. If the people sitting by them are inconvenienced by the judge gym, they'll have no problem conveying it to BM. Just as you would if the kid sitting next to you kneed you in the while climbing on their parent.
Dad could forbid the kids from going over to BM, but that opens up a whole new 'ballgame'. Is it really for the kids best interest or is it more self centered than that?
They'll grow out of it when
They'll grow out of it when they are ready. My SS4 is "too big" now for DH to walk him to the door when BM comes ringing but last month at orientation he was all in her lap and whining like he was 2 all over again. He still comes homes whiny and acting like he's 2 but when DH asks him to stop he does. Most of the time kids act however way will give them the most attention so for us BM fawns over SS because he is her golden child while DH lets him walk (holding hands though) and get his own things when he wants (and asks for) them.
I remember last Easter I went to SS's class party and BM was there. He was the fine independent 3 year old until she arrived then he didn't want to play with his friends on the play ground or hunt Easter Eggs with his class. I finally stopped him and asked him what was up and he glanced at his mom then glanced at me then asked me if he could go play with his friends and could I hold his Easter bucket. I was frustrated by his mood change until then because then I realized he was playing the part he plays when he's with BM because that's how she likes him to behave. When he was ready to be done with the babying he let me know and took off...until BM corralled him back away from his friends to take selfies with her for social media LOL
As a BM, I would go along to
As a BM, I would go along to events when BD was with her Dad, I'd say hi to my pineapple, but I'd keep it short and then send her back to her dad and SM. I'd also hang back and let Dad hand BD her drink bottle, or stand next to her at the end of games.
SD5's BM, is like yours. Turns up to everyfuckingthing! Even school trips where limited parent help is required and SO was chosen, she'll still rock up "just to be there as support for SD" ( :sick: ), it's annoying because SD will be well behaved - until she see's her BM, then she regresses, she needs to be carried, doesn't think rules applies to her etc talks over the teacher, walks off with BM.
There's nothing you can do about BM's who don't choose to show respect during the fathers time and acknowledge that their presence isn't always appropriate. That is the child's LIFE, their lot in life, the hand they were dealt etc etc.
Truthfully it bothers DH.
Truthfully it bothers DH. I'm trying to give him advice but yes I'm opinionated. I DO think cradling an 85 lbs 4'9 7 year old is weird. DH has voiced that he finds it awful and while I agree I don't want to fuel the fire so I remain a good listener. I do respect the opinions here, but I am also trying to find some methods in diffusing this situation with DH as he's beginning to dread attending. I have also witnessed Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde instances with the skids when BM arrives, I go to support DH and his happiness is important to me...that's all.
I get SO to focus on the fact
I get SO to focus on the fact that he is NORMAL! That the teacher most likely notices the difference with SD's behaviors when BM shows up as well. That SD gets a reprieve from the chaotic parent-child r/s she has with her BM when she comes to Dad's. That his parenting DOES WORK (when BM isn't around), that SD is a LOVELY complaint wee girl when she is with him. I point out all those positives and how important those positives are especially BECAUSE of how overbearing and intruding BM is, would be awesome to ban overbearing mothers from Dad's time, but ya can't, so find the positives.
I'm going to be one of the
I'm going to be one of the few here to agree with the OP because I am living this as well with my DH and SS6 and SD3. It's not the fact that BM is showing her children love and attention. IN OUR SPECIFIC CASE, It's the fact that she is purposely intervening in the kids' time with their father. It's the fact that she is not interested in raising her children. She's more interested in the attention, money, and sympathy that she can receive from those around her. She is more interested in being a friend than their mother. Buying their love and affection. If the children whine for snacks or candy, we explain no, that we will be enjoying our family meal very shortly and don't want them to ruin their appetites and be all sugared up. So what happens? BM or her family intervenes and takes them to get what they want. Totally disrespecting DH's wishes as their father AND during his time. She has her time to spend with the kids, he has his (which is essentially joint other than no overnights during the week for DH because he works night shift). We go to events when it's not our time with the children, but other than offering a hug, kiss, and an "I love you", we don't play her game. We agree that the children will become old enough to make their own choices, but BM is completely manipulating the situation. THAT is the problem.
But other than him telling her to knock it off, there really isn't any other option, unfortunately. Our CO just states that the children may contact the other parent whenever they want, and the non-visiting parent may only call once before 8pm on non-visiting times. So other than him discussing it with her, we are all pretty stuck with it :/
Exactly!!!!! I couldn't tell
Exactly!!!!! I couldn't tell you the number of times that BM and her family have done this, as well as, she and her mother especially would make comments about how "daddy didn't do this or daddy didn't do that" to them in front of me/us! Basically making a scene in front of people to call into question his parenting skills. "What, did daddy not bring you a drink?" At SS sporting event. Sitting below them, I turned around and spoke up "as a matter of fact, we DID bring him a water." But apparently that wasn't as good as a Gatorade, so BM's mom gave him money for that. That same game, BM was in possession of and responsible for bringing his equipment. However, she was late and DH had to run home to get what we have for him. Comment: "it's a shame that SS doesn't have those items at his dad's." Again, I turned around and responded, "for your information, YOUR daughter was responsible for bringing his stuff today, and now she is late. DH had to run home to get the stuff that we DO have for SS". Yeah, I bought into it, but I'd had enough and couldn't stand listening to that horrible whore bad mouthing my husband and I in his absence. Needless to say though, she did stop making comments. But it's exactly that. A damn show and power struggle.
5 is still a young age, even
5 is still a young age, even 7. I don't see anything else wrong with it. They are her babies. I'd say puberty would be the breaking point. Let that woman have her babies. You can have yours.
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We have the same bm!! What
We have the same bm!! What does your dh say? My h asked her to stop but never does anything about it. When I have to be there bc h wants ds to go, I just walk away from the scene bc it's embarrassing. I take separate cars when I can so I don't have to wait on bm's drama and h just sitting there rolling his eyes. Not much you can do. Not much dh can do unless you think it's worth court fees to chance a modification. Dh can insist the children stay w him which means bm will just be around you more and cause more scenes.
DH tells her to go away,
DH tells her to go away, tells her she's intruding but she just ignores and continues to swing the kids around, tickling them and talking baby gibberish. Tonight we had figure skating and DH and I started chatting with some parents from SD7's class and she came flying down the corridor and joined the conversation without invitation. The conversation went silent and the poor people walked away. DH says 'why are you here?' She responds that she's entitled to join into any conversation that involves people in SD's life. I just walked away and went and sat in the car. What a nut... I was talking about fitness and morning runs with these people, no skid conversation and I met these people at cross fit not SD's school. She's a nut.