I am writing to this forum in a final and last attempt to understand seek advice and hear from those of you with more experience and wisdom.
I am a 32 year old professional woman who has a year to finish her doctorate. I have travelled, seen different cultures and have grown up in a loving and very caring family with a lot of nurturing where I was all the time told how loved I am . I am european and came to pursue a professional career. I have not really dated much before I met my fiancee- I was very focused on my future and did not have much interest in wasting my time with men that I did not find inteersting or captivating.
I met my fiancee the first day I arrived and it was love from first sight. He was 32 at the time and still pursuing a bachelors . I was 2 years younger and doing my doctorate. He was not really interested in me or so he showed me and then slowly we got to know each other and something blossomed between us.
One day he came and told me he has children and I told him that I like children. Things continued to go well between us. Every other weekend he will go to his mother`s to see his kids. While we were together I will notice that his cell phone will ring in the middle of the night or at 8 p.m when we are celbarting my birthday and he will say that this is the BM of his daughter. I did not really make much of it.I think it was because we were not that serious and probably because I was too naive.He also had some old girlfriends call him and I guess invite him to hang around which should have been a red flag for me.
Well, he graduated in December 2008 , could not find a job and moved in his mother`s basement. He sat an insurance exam and as an insurance agent he will travel and stop by to see me and hang out with me when he was not with his kids. In May 2009 his ex girlfriend send him a letter asking him to go back to her and he told me that he is thinking about that. I was mad that he would even think about it and ended it with him. He told me that the relationship was not working for him because she had a son and she was not quite able to accept his daughter. She would accept his son but not his daughter.She has tried to , hosted her in her house and fed her but would prefer when she was not around on outings etc.I should have paid attention to that sign too.
Summer 2009 comes- he knocks on my door and says he wants me back. I accept him right away and next week around he comes to visit me with his kids. I love it - we play basketball, went swimming. I teach them how to swim, I help his daughter and team up with her in a basketball game against the boys. I had a lot of fun.
I noticed them not respecting him and talking back and just sat them down and addressed it with him in the room in a calm manner. Should have never done it. Hell broke lose. His BM ( his daughter`s BM, he has full custody of his son and I am happy he does) called my fiancee`s mother and then my fiancee and yelled and screamed. Mind you she never finsihed high school, never holded a job longer than 6 months and wants to claim disability for seizures caused by alkohol, cigarettes and drug consumption. All in all , the woman is a big mess. My fiancee knew that and he never wanted a child from her.She did not give the daughter my fiancee`s last name and showed no respect for him whatsoever. I guess all of the above should hav ebeen red flags that I disregarded.
My fiancee tells me he wants to continue his education and be a better person and be able to find a job. Unemployment was high at the time sping - summer 2009, he tried looking for 6 months while in insuarnce, I helped him but nothing seemed to work. So he said he wants to try graduate school. I advised him on programs and helped him ( wrote his application essays and everything he needed, submitted with him all his paperwork) and he got acceptedfor fall 2009. We decided to move in together since both of us will be going to school. He got a job on campus that helped him pay half the rent and that way he would study and work and go to school. I was there to support him, read his papers the first semester and coach him through graduate school. Graduate school is very demanding but he still made sure that he goes to his mother`s and visits with the kids over the weekends.He also had the pressure of keeping his grades up for teh scholarship.
I went with him to his mother`s to see the kids and spend time for Thanksgiving 2009. Things went bad from there.His daughter was there too and while she was at my fiancee`s mothers house she will call her mother and report everything and I do and I will hear her describe my physical featurs to the BM on the phone. I was oblivious to the drama. I was away from my family and was all into decorating the beautiful christams tree that my fiancee`s mother had.I recalled hearing all of this later on. I was so happy I did not even paied any attention.
After the Thanksgiving dinner the BM raised hell- why I was there , her daughter did not have enough time to spend alone with her father. Well, my fiancee has a son too, thankgiving is a family gathering.My fiancee did not back me up nor did his mother. They will bent like spineless creatures to whatever this woman says. This woman says you can pick your daughter at this time and bring her back at this my fiancee`s family waits in suspension for the time to come and pick her up and then bring her back.They sit around and wait like spineless ducks and agree to everything.
When Christmas 2009 came I was very disullusioned about the situation in his family. My fiancee`s mother had piles of gifts and clothes for his daughter and made his daugher give me a pair of the socks that his mother bought for his daugheter. I did not tell her anything. I was just so numb inside and did not know what to do. Then I was watching TV and his daughter came with a piece of paper and gave it to me and I did not know what it was. It looked like garbage. I took it and did not say anything. I felt so out of place and so unaccapted that I just went to my room and did not want to come back. My fiancee`s mother opened the door to my room and told me that I must love his daughter the way I love his son.
His son does not get the special treatment his daughter gets. My fiancee`s mother has splshed around the house big portrait pictures of her granddaughter and has put big pictures of her granddaughter in my fiancee`s room on his mirror . I guess so that everytime he goes there and looks in the mirror he can see his daughter but not his son? I donot know- but feel there is something wrong with that.
His daughter`s BM called after Christmas 2009 and raised hell again because I did not talk to her daughter. Well, once she said she does not want me physically around her daughter , then she wants me to talk to her daughter. At this point I was confused as to what this woman really wanted from me.
Well, this was Christams 2009. Since then I have discovered steptalk and have been disengaged. I donot interact and donot talk or visit. His son came to visit for the summer and I was perefectly fine with it - he is disciplined and very respectful young man.
Big mistake and only because of my fiancee I went there for Christams 2010.I told him that I will just stay in the basement when his daughter visits so that he and her have enough time to spend together and I will not show up at all. In the evening I let him talk with his daughter and his mother and I just watched TV and talked with his dad in the other room then I went back to the basement. I just wanted everybody to be happy and no drama or angry phone calls afterwards. Just peace.
Well, he came to the basement told me he will go to bed , kissed me and escorted me to my room upstairs. I saw his daughter in her pjs walking around the basement and looked like she was going to her room.
I went to my bed but I felt sad and wanted to skype my parents. My laptop was at the basement so I went and knocked on his door to get the latop. I saw his daughter sleeping in his room on a mattress. I was shocked. She is 12 and I felt so betrayed. He did not tell me and he felt that this was ok and since it was Christams and she has not seen him that was fine. Is this fine?
In the morning I told him that I was ready to leave and cannot stay even for a moment more. So the plan was to leave at 1p.m and we ended up leaving at 12 . He was mad that we had to leave early? I was confused because the plan the night before was to leave at 1 p.m, because we wers supposed to drop off his daughter at 1p.m as the BM instructed him.
We had a very bad argument when we came back and I was at the brink of leaving. Few days later he came around and said he wants us to get married. Today he says if we are to marry some kinks need to smoothed- like my relationship with his daugher and if that does not go well then he cannot live his life like that. To which I said that I cannot do this either.
I woke up at 3 a.m and I started writing this because I donot know what to do. I love him minus the drama from his mother and the manipulation games from his daughter`s BM and his daughter sleeping in his room.
He gets no respect - he got a $1 coffee mug for Christams from his daughter. And so that she can mock me she( or the BM taught her) put a pair of glasses just like the ones that I wear and started making faces with them. When my fiancee` mother asked whether these were prescription glasses she said she got these 11 hours ago from a gorcery store.I donot let this bother me but when I see that this is influencing my relationship with my fiancee and he conditions our future on my relationship with his daughter I donot know whether I can withstand all of this.
I love his son - he is a great kid that my fiancee raised full time and I can tell you that makes a big difference. I donot aim to replace his mother .She is a confused woman but still his mother and has never caused me any problems.

I simply donot know what to do . There is a lot that I leave out and I am not mentioning - his mother wants him to move back with her and live with her and take full custody of his daughter and raise his kids there with her. Seems like that this will make her happy. He does not want to stay in that area and wants to move away from all the drama.
I do underatand that and I am willing to help him with his son because in a sense I will be able to help bring him up without drama. I am not so keen on having his daughter and the BM drama in my home . I donot mind him supporting , seeing and spending time and doing all he has to do. But if he reacts like this now that we are not married what will happen when we get married and have children. Will he treat them third, fourth etc , if his daughter does not like them? I donot know what to do ?
He seems to want me to show his daughter how to be a good woman and to set a good example for her. But I can only do that if her mother allows this. I am not going to force myself on anybody and get into a war between issues that he has had in the past with that woman.I am at a complete loss.
I leave out a lot - the tears, the pain, the loss of dignity and the way I felt all of it. I do want him to have a relationship with his daughter and to support her and help her. I just donot like the fact that our relationship and our future is conditioned on me being able to navigate through the drama and the manipulation games.I just want to marry and have beautiful kids and peaceful and happy family with the man that I love.
Please, if you have read this give me advise from your wisdom and experience. My plan is to disengage and as of today I am 50- 50 about leaving him and starting over.