I am leaving and need your support
I have posted a blog here I believe 2 years ago in desperation and willing to go out. I never got the courage and the strength to do it. It amazes me how many women like me intelligent - finishing up my Ph.D degree, beautiful, funny and willing to live and laugh turn into depressed and deprived from happiness women only 3 and a half years after starting a relationship with a man with two different children from two different mothers. I fought a battle that I am tired of fighting . Only this year he told me that some of the things that I addressed during year 1 were right and correct because his mother noticed them too.
My case is not the normal case. His mother is on some pills that are supposed to be helping her mental health.His BM is diagnosed bipolar has seizures and is monitored every week by a social worker. She is 33 and cannot function by herself and needs supervision. His daughter which is 13 lives with her mother but recently started texting him almost everyday with random things usually at night arounf 7 or 8 p.m I suspect that this is under the influence of the BM that is doing this on purpose. The message is : Hey ! and nothing really substantial. I told him that this bothers me but he sees this as me precluding him from communicating with his daughter. This really bothered me and I did not get any validation from him. That was I guess the last straw for me and I announced I am leaving. I have done this before so he would say: You are not going anywhere. In the past I would not go anywhere but this time I have an apartment and all my stuff packed.
His other BM put his own mother in jail. He has full custody over the son and the son is a great kid.
I tried to tell him that I feel very alone and not understood . He does not want to talk and thinks that I am not concentrated on my work.
He is geting a masters because of me . I wrote his essays and helped him get in get a job and build our lives together. He is graduating in May 2012. It hurts me and I feel used.
Last Christmas he was sleeping in one room with his daughter. He and his mother did this behind my back. I was told that because we are not married we should sleep in a seprate rooms. I was not even allowed to watch TV with him in his room. I went to knock on his room to get the laptop to skype my parents and saw his daughter sleeping on a matress next to his bed. I flipped out and we had to get our early in the morning. We had a huge fight that got out of hand and he was angry at me.
Later around 6 months after the incident he admitted that this was not a healthy relationship with his daughter and his daughter is not allowed to sleep in his room anymore. His mother was also in agreement of that. So I guess I was hoping I was making some strides in the right direction. Things were really going positively. I was disangaged very much from the last Christams incident.So I cannor really say that the daughter never slept in his room.I found some skype messages where she still asks him to sleep in his room. So I donot really know and I am not sure that he did not allow her to sleep in his room.
I was just never able to overcome this feeling of not having my feelings validated and understood.I could never get used to the fact that I am number 2. I gave him a post to read here on this web site about the disney daddy syndrome and how women like me feel.He did not take it seriously and brushed me off.I could not take it and decided that it was over. I asked him to go with me to the office of the apartment complex and get me off the lease. He signed the paperwork in the car and I really hope that he will submit the 250 dollar fee so that they can change the lease and my name will not be on the lease anymore. I just cannot wait for this to happen. Ideally I will move out right away but hope that he will go to his mothers for thankgiving and give me a week to breathe.
Thank you for reading my post . Any support is welcome
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Comments
Hun, I am so sorry for what
Hun,
I am so sorry for what is happening to you. It happened to me as well. Its been 11 days since we broke up. I know that this is a tuff time for you. I wish that these men would take to heart what we are telling them and not look at us as the enemy.
Just like you I could no longer handle being in the number 2 spot.
I never wanted to take his kids away from him, nor do I want him to be mean to his ex. All I wanted is the man I fell in love with who stood by me, stuck up for me and always made me feel special. That was short lived. And why we women stay with someone like that I can not understand either.
I too have been successful in life. I have an education, I helped my SO with his life and career and I too felt used. I have always been a strong person who knew what she wanted and went to get it. Yet I allowed this to happen to me. It has taken me into a dark place I NEVER thought I would be.
But just as you have been successful in your life, you will again find that person you use to be. It will take time and strength. More strength than what any of your accomplishments have ever taken.Try not to feel used, I know easier said than done. But I believe that you are a good, giving person. I believe you would help anyone, not just your SO. The word needs more people like you.
Know that we are all here for you. This group has helped me when I am down. When I need to vent. When no one else understands.
Take this time to heal yourself. And live by this modo "Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option"
Stay the strong woman that you are. Even if she seems lost right now. Remember that crying is good medicine and never be ashamed to cry. It shows that you are a loving person.
Blessings to you.
I am very sorry, but I feel
I am very sorry, but I feel hopeful for you. This is a fresh start for you, and focus on getting back to YOU! Find yourself again. Good luck dear. (((HUGS)))
Take care of yourself. It
Take care of yourself. It sounds like you have given an awful lot and not recieved what you deserve. No matter what, try and keep strong. You are clearly intelligent and have a lot to offer. Grab that world with both hands!! xx
Thank you , for all the
Thank you , for all the support and care that you gave to me. I just talked with my mother on skype and she told me that she has been secretly hoping that I will take that step because she never liked this guy to begin with. Mind you she never ever interfered or told me how she feels or influenced my decision. My mother is not intrusive and believes that I will take the right decision and so I did. Obviously she raised me well and I believe she did.
I think that the environment is not healthy for me and will drive me to a very dark place. I feel I need support to make sure that I am making the right decision. I wish that I was not so sensitive and so caring sometimes. I have been crying for 4 days and feel very alone . The feeling of being used come from his words last night - he had few drinks and told me that I was convenient and he was lazy. I felt really used and betrayed. I loved this man and fought for our love and he called me convenient.I feel that all the words that he said and all the experiences did not mean anything for him but were simply convenient.Well, the convenience is over . He will have to ask his mother or his daughter and BMs to cook him dinner and support him when he has a hard day and give him advice when he needs it in his career. The convenient woman is out of the picture.
I will certainly follow up on the application fee. I will make sure that he will have the 250 usd to sumbit tomorrow. I know he has the money - he told me he will not be able to come up with the money which I do not believe.But I will insist. Thank you , for the advice and for the encouraging words. I hope that as time passes by the pain will be less and I will be able to go on with someone that does not have children.
Please, keep me posted how your healing process is going. Looks like we are in the same boat.
I too recently left a 3 1/2
I too recently left a 3 1/2 yr relationship with exBF having SS15 & SD12. SD12 was also like BF's girlfriend. I spent $1400 to move and let me tell you ... it was well worth it. I have been moved out 2 1/2 months now and i feel great! I am myself again and seriously it only took about 3 weeks to get myself back. It was really hard to make the decision and to know if it was going to be the right one. I was living in a dark cloud and rarely laughed at anything. I feel so much better now. I know its hard hun. *hugs*
Thank you, Stacey 13. I am at
Thank you, Stacey 13. I am at the stage where I am crying all day long.He is still around me and I just get very irritated and burst in tears when I see him. I just cannot pass by the fact that he will tell me that his children are always there and that he can just tell me to go and feels good to tell me that. I felt like I was always on second place and told him that and he did not even seem to acknoweledge it and understand it. I am not sure that he fully understands how I was treated and what validation of my feelings mean. He thinks that mechanically re- telling me what I need to hear so that he can have a peace of mind when he is with his kids is a validation . It is a selfish way for him to keep me around but not a real validation of how I feel.
I will go to the hairdresser on Friday and hope that it will cheer me up. I am teaching on Thursday and on Wednesday I will be meeting students. I just hope that I will not burst in tears on these two days and that I will be able to keep it together.
I also lost my virginity with him and that I am sure plays a big role in how I feel about him. I am Christian and always thought that I will end up being with him forever and ever. But I was also raised to be my own woman and independent so I am doing my best in this situation to be the strong self that I can be.
The 250 usd is my security deposit that he has to give back to me and the 50 usd is the processing fee that the apartment complex require HIM to pay. So I am not paying anything and I think that he is pissed that he has to pay. But this is life.
He also said that he will help me move out but I think it was because he saw my stuff packed up and ready to leave in the living room. I told him that I donot need to be moved out because I donot want him to know where I live.
He also offered to dismantle my work desk . I initially said no and then decided that I will let him do it but he said that he wants 20 usd for it, which I think was strange.
Well, this is where we stand right now. My mother is on skype with me and I am getting calls from people who want to sublease and seems like I have found a place that I can move in immediately after thanksgiving break. I hope he will go to his mother during the break so I will not have to deal with him being around me. And immediately after the break I will be gone . I hope that I will like the atmosphere in this place that I will see tomorrow.
I just hope that I can stop crying.
Thank you , Stacey. I was
Thank you , Stacey. I was alomost there. I almost ordered the dress. I didnot want a big wedding so I did not really have a lot of other expenses. Th emoment he proposed to me on my birthdday I knew I should not accept. Something in my heart told me not to accept and still I did. If there is anythign to learn from this it is to trust your instinct and mine is obviously very strong. I am sorry that you had to go through all of these expenses only to realize that he is not the right one. I think that support is very important in this process and I am glad that I found a like minded soul out there that I can talk to.
I am Christian and like you I thought that he is the one and only and all of that sin talk is just does not take into consideration how I feel and that I will make it up when I get married . I was so wrong. There is a reason why you should not live with a guy without the ring and the wedding date. I had friends who told me not to do it . I just did not listen neither to my friends or my values and I think that I am paying the price for that.
I think he still thinks that I will come back once I go out there alone without him my saviour. What he does not realize that I am stronger than he thinks . I think that he is the one that will be scared as a puppy because he will have no money no job and will depend on his brother paying his rent until he finds something. He thinks he is the BIG DEAL with a masters in social work that I helped him get in and with exams and finals and papers that I wrote for him so that he can get good grades. But he does not take into consideration that I was pumping his ego and was there for him with advice and encouragement. I think he is scared that this will not be there anymore and once he goes out there and has to compete reality will strike and he will realize that it is not as easy as I made it look because I was there for him . But the worst will be if his brother stops paying his rent and he has to go back to his mother`s basement. I think at this point reality will strike with him. But I will not open the door as I already did 2 times and helped and encourage and uplifted him. He thinks he does not need me now because he can make it. He is tryign to keep the door open and probes the friendship card and wants to present it as a trial sepration but I do not think that he realized it yet that for me this is the end - i am closing the door.
I feel awkward and really donot want to be around him. I feel sad and depressed when he is around .Once he leaves I get peace of mind and feel so much better and happier. I donot even know how to explain it.I feel I have lost myself and need to find the funny, happy positive energetic me that like stheatre, opera, going out , dancing , people, coffee shops - just life. He took all of that from me. He does not like opera, theatre people , going out. I dragged him to few places but his culture is restricted to stupid movies at the movie theatre popcorn and coke. I started cooking for him healthy foods taht he had never heard of. I baked, I cooked, I sawed, I knitted I was the all around homemaker woman that showed him a real home with real food and real woman. Before that all he knew was quick sex and two day visits to get what he needs and go back to the factory and his mother`s basement. I helped him see the world with new eyes. In that process I lost myself. I ost so much from this relationship that now I know what NOT to date .
Stacey13 thank you so much. I
Stacey13 thank you so much. I did not have suicidal thoughts but your healp and staying on skype with my mother really helps me. I will try to go to bed early tonight. I am watching Dancing with the stars - that cheers me up somehow although I cannot laugh like I used to or smile like I used to smile.I think family and friends like you are very important to help me go through this.It is an important transition and I know I have to do it for myself.
THANK YOU for your support and help!
Well, great news the 250 usd
Well, great news the 250 usd deposit was submitted by him in my presence . I expect the final touches to the lease to be done by tomorrow at noon and I will be ready to go after thanksgiving. I am going to see the apartment today and I so much hope that I will like it. Because I cannot stand to stay even a day more in his presence.
Can you beleive it that he did not even know how much the rent actually is? When he saw that he has to pay or his brother has to pay 826 dollars a month he got a headache right there in the leasing office. I guess not having a stable job - leads to that. Welcome to the real world now you have to work for it. I guess I was convenient because I was the stable income person and made sure he had no worries for money or food/subsitence. He has been feeding himself on frozen pizzas and hot dogs - well a great way to go!!!
Anyway, I am not intersted in him but I suspect that unlike he thought it will not be me getting a cruel reality check . It will be him getting a harsh realization of what he needs to do to survive.
Actually when he annnounced his engagement and the dat eof our wedding his professor that knows me and has talked to me shook his hand in a sign of respect. I wonder what she will say if she ever hears what happened. He will lose the respect of a lot of people who know me and know him.
But this is not my problem anymore.I feel lighter , I feel happier and full of positive energy when I am away from him.
I want to thank Stacey 13, Cowgilr, nelli, Helpmee, Echo, bugsmom, majka. All of you girls that supported me. I want to stay in touch and share how your transition is going.
I had a great day today. I
I had a great day today. I felt light and happy on my feet and very excited about helping my students. I checked the apartment that I liked but the room was too small. So unfortunately I will not be able to move in before the end of December.So I am moving out after December 15 somewhere around December 16 th I suppose. I met some inetersting people along the way an dvery strong young girls. Also I got an e mail from a graduate male students who wants to look for apartment together. I am not sure that this is a good idea since I am healing right now but I will check with him and see what it might turn out.
I cam eback home and it seemed very quiet and nice. I thought - well that is refreshing, he was cordial and nice. I told him about the ineterest that I am getting from some graduate male students and he started telling me how many rapes are there on college campuses and acted very much against the idea of me roomin with a male. I just broke down in tears and left. Then I came back to talk about the contract and he was really mean and nasty to me. I do not knwo how we got on the topic but I told him that it does not matter who will come after me he needs to fix what he is doing right now. I told him that this issue will be coming up with other women in his life and will cause friction. He got so angery and defensive that he just closed and locked his door and would only talk to me through the door. The he smoke a cigarrette in the bathroom which is actually not allowed. After a long and tortous conversation through the door he agreed to give me closure on Friday evening after he gets off his internship. I am really looking forward to it and I am excited to let it all on the table. His initial suggestion was to do this in two or three months from now but I would rather be done with this and just move on. I was trying to be caring and helpful as a friend by telling him that he needs to fix what he is doing wrong. He just would not listem.
All in all I am happy with the developments. Ideally I would like to move out faster and sooner but I will survive. I am excited for my free , new exciting me. I cannot wait to be done!
Once I close the door of this apartment I will never ever open the door to him. I made that clear- I am not going back. Once I have healed and moved on there will be no chance for him. Sometimes it makes me sad sometimes it makes me happy. However, as he said I need to find a man who does not have children and who will treat me the way I deserve. That is my lesson and my journey. He is too selfish and self absorbed. I guessed he had to be in order to survive the tough life that he has had. I ended by telling him that one day he will understand me but it will beb too late for me and him...