was all you did, I'd say they're lucky. This is a touchy subject and my DH and I talked about it long ago. For us, our marriage comes first b/c w/o a soild foundation everything else gets shaky. That being the case, as a team (DH and I) the kids come first. That was really rude of him and I would have told him that regardless of how he feels, I wil not tolerate certain comments and behaviors and that it is b/ you love them that you expect better of them.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

My DH said something very similar very early in our relationship to me. It was quite painful to hear him say something like that to me, so I can only imagine how you must feel.

What I did was calmly had a heart to heart (more like ear) chat with him. I flipped the situation around on him and suggested that if he truly felt this way, than this relationship was not going to work- and no relationship will ever work with this attitude of his and told him I was truly sorry that he felt this way. I think I even said something like he was not the one for me, which is pretty harsh to hear from someone out loud... so I think he got a good dose of his own medicine without me even realizing it! LOL. I just told him how I felt and explained to him what if the shoe was on the other foot and here he sat second fiddle to my cat! Of course, we're talking a cat, but that's all I have, and that is my baby. I also left him at the time, but a short time later, he came calling and apologized.

Stress does funny things to us, and moving is a form of stressful change, however exciting it may be. There's the packing, the organizing, the time frame to get things done in, etc. I think perhaps your bf may be having some jitters. Heated arguments never solve anything, so I suggest that you wait until your bf has calmed down and sit down with him and have a good chat.

In my opinion, when a 'spouse' says things like this, it is very disrespectful toward their partner and really displays where you are at in their priorities, but it could also just be a defense mechanism, which my DH often used early in our relationship. I just held my tongue and revisited it at a later time when DH was calm and rational to talk about it and gave him scenarios. Once I was able to figure out how to convey to him 'the shoe's on the other foot' scenario, he started to rethink things, put things into perspective. I just was very frank and blunt with him about how it made me feel, second fiddle and that I deserved much more than that. If I wanted to play second fiddle, I would have stayed with my ex.

Today, things are better in that aspect of our lives. Now he looks at us, as a family... not just all about SS. Never whine, nag or bitch, that will just make it worse. We have our moments, like the other day I swear I could've smacked him with a shovel and he'd have a peaceful sleep... he needs it, but for the most part, step parenting takes patiences I believe.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

It really worries me that you are just now moving in together and already he says something so strong to you. Hopefully you have a good relationship with your skids but seriously, now they have seen how easily they can 'get you into trouble' it will be never ending. Kids catch onto how to manipulate a situation very quickly and you will never have any control in your own life! What if you ask them to pick something up and they say no, where do you go from there?? If you can't even give them a look, and without realising might I add, then what happens next??

Do you walk on eggshells and be afraid to say anything for fear of BF throwing something like that or worse in your face?? Sorry to be negative, that is not my intetion but Geez, a look, what kind of look can be so harmful that a child would "dob" on you to dad and, seriously...why would he even react to a kid saying that to him? Do you even need to apologise for that? He isn't your father, you are a grown woman and you must have control of your own life and be respected by your partner.
Good luck.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

That's not a good thing at all. I am one that firmly believes that as much as we all love our kids and would do anything for them if any relationship is going to have a chance the relationship has to come first. I know there's people that say the children need to come first but I've been there and done that and there's no way it will work out well, it only builds resentment.

Gosh, this is so familiar to me too. DH said exactly this to me in a very intimate moment between us (he literally said that he loves his son more than me and will always put him before me) and I don't think I ever recovered from it. We are now in the process of divorcing for many reasons, but a main one is that I never felt that I had much to give to a relationship where I was told from the getgo that I was outranked by a (then) toddler.

Family is one of the most important, complex elements of life. How can we then try and make blanket statements about our relationships, like saying that Jane is more important than John and that Suzy always comes before Bobby. It's ludicrous. There are times when the marriage has to come first, and there are times when the kids have to come first. I honestly believe that everyone needs to be on equal ground. The couple, first and foremost, must be a team. They must make decisions together re: all aspects of their lives...and I think that the person coming into the relationship with kids is protective of them and for some reason, that person feels the need to protect them against someone that doesn't represent any harm at all. It's very sad. I think that if you have a child with another person, and you raide that child together, it's just understood that the kid comes first, but that's because the parents are already fused as ONE unit.

Of course our children are precious and important, and of course we would do anything for them. But they CANNOT be our confidants, our partners, or our soulmates. Not only is that inappropriate for many reasons, but it's also VERY unfair to put that burden on a child. It also makes for a very lonely adult, who, once the kid leaves the nest, will have no idea how to live. I tried to get this across to my DH, but he didn't get it. And to boot, he said that I should love my DD more than him, and since I wouldn't say it that way, he called me a bad mother.

I would say this...have a LONG talk with your man. Wait until he's calm and things are better. PLEASE find a way to either get on the same page, or agree to talk to someone about this so that you can understand one another better. I am very concerned that you are about to move in with a man who has his priorities and his notions of what "should" be a bit confused. YOU ARE A TEAM. That doesn't make his kids less important and he needs to get that. Also--you re NOT less worthy than his children. You are a human being as well and you should NOT come in "second" after ANYONE in the eyes of your life partner.

why should a second marriage by any different than the first, just because there are kids already in the picture on #2 marriage. There shouldn't be any difference. Possibly this was your BF's attitude in his first marriage, the kids come before the spouse. That is #1 reason for divorce. You put all your energy and love into the kids, then when they leave the house, you look across the table at your spouse, and wonder what the hell do you have in common now that the kids are gone. No different in a second marriage. Spouse should come first (if you even have to prioritize verbally) you should be united, then the kids. For some reason in the second marriage the men feel that the kids are first and new spouse is second. I don't understand it. I think it's sometimes out of guilt. But why should it be any different in first and second marriage?

V

*Yet I doubt a stepmother would ever get angry if the biological dad were to discipline the child.*

I disagree with this comment and with most of what you said. To begin with, I have defended my SS's against their dad (in private) b/c I did not agree with the punishment or reason.

I am a BM and SM and I know my son, even as young as he is and I am already teaching him to respect adults, therefore, I would hope that if my DH and I split and another woman entered the picture, IF she felt the need to *give him a dirty look*, that I have taught him not to fall apart at the seams and to realize that he may very well be doing something wrong. You don't even have the guts to post a name yet you think we should consider your post sound advice? Ha.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

Then it is time to show him the door!! It's no wonder he is divorced!! If the kids and the EX see your man and you united then the chances of the EX or the kids playing on that point, is crushed before it begins. I am an SM & BM and I disagree with you.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

"It is not easy to have another man/woman come into our lives and assume a role of authority such as a stepparent or significant other."

Well, then don't get remarried. If another person comes into your lives, YOU invited him/her. Deal with your issues about what that means for you BEFORE you start the new relationship and save everyone the trouble later on. Trust me, the new spouse doesn't want to be tortured by a man whose kids own his balls anymore than he wants to repossess them.

"When a man tells you that his child will always come first, you nor any other woman will change that. Think about it before you end up a bitter step parent with a terrible marriage."

You're right about that--no woman WILL change it and I hope she never wastes her time trying because any man that has this attitude doesn't deserve a spouse. And it stands to reason that you can't really date much when your head is so far up your kids' asses that you can't see, so...hopefully, this kind of man will be off limits anyway.

Since I'm currently stuck in a situation with someone who's kid's ALWAYS come before me(even though he's never verbalized it), I would tell you, if you can leave easily, do it.
The closest I've heard to that is "don't try to come between me and my kids", and "don't make me choose between you and my kids"- even though I've never had those intentions....all I can tell you is, with someone who has this attitude, every time there's an issue with the kids, he'll take their side, whether they're right or wrong- whenever they get mad at you, so will he.
And most likely you'll feel ganged up on every time, and if you try to stand up for yourself, the whole house will turn on you.
I'm learning the hard way how important it is to make sure your partner looks at the two adults in the house as a TEAM, and if you don't have that, the relationship won't work.
Some parents are so interested in protecting their kids from unhappiness, that they don't care if they ever learn right from wrong or to deal with the consequences of their own actions. You'll find out that you're just there to make them happy, at your own expense, and if you can't do that, he might consider dumping you.
We were a great couple before we started living together and dealing with kids together. And what someone else said about the previous wife leaving for the same reason, it's probably true...you don't know how many times my H used to tell me that they broke up because she was jealous of the kids, and she couldn't understand his close relationship with them, she never bonded with them like he did, blah blah.....now even she comes before me because she's their mother.
Don't ever stay with anyone who puts their kids before you. Because kids are supposed to adjust to the rules of the adults in the house, not the other way around.