Reverse psychology
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So, most of us are sick of constantly trying to tell the SO about their feelings and being dismissed as silly or making trouble, and trying to deal with manipulative and sneaky skids, I wondered if anyone has used reverse psychology successfully to get SO to see their side or to deal with skids?
I have been able to, at
I have been able to, at times, pose a hypothetical situation where DH would be in a similar situation to what I was having issues with and then showing the similarities in order for him to gain some introspection. But other than that, like SA said, what would you do??
Una - I am excellent at
Una - I am excellent at reverse psychology but before I can develop a plan for you I will need to know if you have any bios. I do, and I find that my husband has different rules for his than he does for mine - so most of the reverse psychology I use is designed to show him that if his kids don't have rules, great! Mine don't either!
If you don't have bios I'm sure I can still think of a trick or two you can pull. Maybe not "reverse psychology" but DEFINITELY passive aggressive
Hi I have no bios. . It's
Hi I have no bios. . It's more SO, he refuses to acknowledge sd behaviour is rude and blames me when I say something. He also usually leaves me out when she is around which really annoys and upsets me. Any help would be appreciated, although I must say, SO seems to be slowly accepting some of the things I have told him. I am happy with the way things are going I just wondered if there was a way to improve things a little more, without causing arguments and me being seen as the bad person. Any help gratefully accepted.
Okay, how old is SD? I have a
Okay, how old is SD? I have a VERY rude SD age 11 and my husband refuses to acknowledge that she is being rude and always tells me that I'm "overreacting" - I'm sure you've heard that a lot too. It's like these men are all using the same playbook!
If your pattern has been: SD is rude, later in private you mention this rude behavior to your SO, your SO says that you are "overreacting" then you need to change the pattern. Call SD out on it right away but not in a confrontational way. For example, my SD is frequently mumbling things under her breath. I used to complain about this to my husband and just be told I was blowing it out of proportion. NOW I kinda cup my hand around my ear and say "What's that, SD? Did you say something?!? Sorry honey my hearing is completely shot." But I do it with a smile and a nice voice. Once my husband hears this exchange he understands that his daughter was doing the mumbling again.
As for your SO leaving you out when SD is around - wait for a night when he doesn't have SD and then make other plans. Don't tell him beforehand, just don't answer the phone and (if you live together) don't come home until after a nice dinner out with a friend. When he asks about it later just say, "oh I know that you enjoy doing your own thing with SD so I'm trying to find things that I enjoy doing on my own too".
I think we women tend to tell our partners (repeatedly) when something is bothering us and then we are viewed by our partners as a nag. Men tend to be action-driven - so my advice would be to stop talking and start DOING. Go out, be unavailable, this will make him more curious about you and feeling like he has to work harder at winning you back. Stupid men really love a competition.
Lastly, if you feel like you WANT to be a part of your SD's life - you could wait until she is over and then offer to do something totally girly with her. Like going to the mall or getting your nails done. I have done this in the past and my husband is always happier than a pig in shit to see his two "girls" bonding. Gotta warn you though, SDs usually just see this as an opportunity to use you for $$ so it doesn't feel that great. But it will sure make your SO happy to see that you are making an effort with his daughter.
Hope some of this advice works for you!!
Great love the girl stuff
Great love the girl stuff part, as she is a real girly girl and we could paint each others nails. She is 12. She is rude in the sense that she never says hello or good bye to me unless she is told to by SO or if I say it first and she never asks me how I am even though I always ask her. SO says he has repeatedly told her to but she still doesn't. She only gives one word answers to any of my questions or answers as simply as she can thus making it hard to hold a conversation with her and then SO complains I don't talk to her. Like I said he is slowly seeing this but I think sometimes he still feels like I'm exaggerating or causing trouble. She is also messy. If she eats she won't use a plate or put her rubbish away, and when I have told him to give her a plate he tells me I shouldn't tell her to use a plate. So annoys me. But really liking all the comments and tips you are all giving me. So thank you!
Okay, I have to tell you that
Okay, I have to tell you that her behavior is unfortunately very typical for her age/gender. Most 12 year old girls are way too self absorbed to ask how anyone else is doing. I find, the harder you try to start a conversation with her the more she will resist it. It is a sick little game that they play - and in many ways us grown women carry those games into adulthood a bit with the old silent treatment that we give men.
If you REALLY want to engage her in a conversation, try talking to your SO in front of her about something you know she's interested in - for example my SD is into the boy band One Direction - so I just talk to DH like "hey, dh, did you hear that Harry from One Direction is dating Taylor Swift?" - and she'll jump right in. Kids her age like to be know-it-alls.
As for the messes - don't clean them up. This is a tough one as well because men typically don't "see" messes until they are near crisis level. But just try to leave every single piece of trash she leaves exactly where it is. Then, casually say to your SO "hey, how come you left all those wrappers around?" and he'll be forced to admit it wasn't him but his precious princess.
And don't say hi to her for goodness sake. Be busy when she first enters (reading a book, on the phone, etc.). There's no need to set yourself up for rejection!
I have used the similar
I have used the similar give-them-enough-rope-and-they-will-hang-themselves approach as ripley with some success.
My SO isn't much for talking, and even when he does submit to talking through issues with me he goes into hyper-defensive mode. He is an actions person, though. When left alone to deal with SD, her actions speak volumes to him.
I would try to talk to my DH
I would try to talk to my DH about things going on with the SK's too, and I'd get "Well, what the hell do you want me to do about it?!?"
So I stopped saying anything.
But my DH being the person he is, he wants to actually TRY to parent MY children.
First I told him he needed to bring all issues about MY kids to ME. It only took a couple of times of me raising my hands up in the air and saying, "Well, what the hell do you want me to do about it?!?" before he got the drift.
Does he parent his kids? No. But he also leaves mine alone, which was of tantamount concern to me. I don't really care what he does with his kids, they're beyond parenting at this point because neither he nor BM have taken the initiative for the last 17 years. But he CERTAINLY is not going to micromanage MY kids while allowing his to run amok.
Yes I think it would be
Yes I think it would be easier to use RP if you have bios too, I don't so I can't make the point I need to. I just want him to accept that his princess is not always a princess and if I say something about her not to jump down my throat but appreciate that whilst he may not like what I'm saying I am saying the truth and trying o help him and her in he long un, after all if I don't tell him that he is teaching her things wrongly
no one else will. Sometimes though I do feel like I can't be bothered, but my new year resolution is to try and be more positive especially with sd, so I want to have options to make my point without him getting defensive and arguments following. Why does it have to be hard?
^^ This is GREAT advice. Just
I've tried leaving then I get
I've tried leaving then I get accused of being anti social. If I don't say hello to her then SO will argue with me that I'm ignoring her on purpose and that I'm an adult and should know better. I tell him that he notices everything I don't do with or to her but he is blind to what she doesn't do with me and that is not fair. I told him that if he wants to pick faults with me then to at least be fair and realise when she is doing wrong too, I think that grates on me the most, he ignores or turns a blind eye to her behaviour but is quick to tell me when I'm wrong. I feel horrible for not having a bigger heart when it comes to her and that she seems to bring out the worst in me, so much so my SO has told me that I am a bad character, I hate it! Sometimes I think I can handle it and other times. I'm not so sure. Worst part is she is not even his bio. Her bd has never been in the picture and he is the only father figure she knows. I think it's great that my SO can love her like his own but at the same time I wish he wasn't so attached to her, makes me a bad person for thinking like that, I know, ESP as there are so many bd out there who don't have time for their own kids.
You are right it is not
You are right it is not really the sd that s the problem but my SO. I have told him it is his behaviour that causes the problem, but it falls on deaf ears or an argument ensues. It is hard because I don't speak the language, I moved country to be with him and still learning the language so it is hard for me to engage with her and talk to her, which is why when I do speak to her in the language and she gives me one word answers i feel like I am trying damn hard here and she is not and yet I get accused of not trying.
I hold point out the bd has never been in the picture and that SO does not pay any expenses towards her up keep, he has no say in any decisions, he just gets to spend time with her and do things together.
Again I have tried once not saying hello to her but he jumps down my throat saying I noticed you ignored her, but he can't see all the times she blatantly ignores me. It drives me mad. He is starting to see things my way, more once he calmed down he'll admit he has noticed all the things I have pointed out, but like you quite rightly said, he is afraid to say too much to her, afraid she will not come back. I will try out some of the suggestions mentioned and hopefully they will improve things more. I just want to feel respected and feel like I am important even when she is around. Seriously men and their princess daughters! Lol!
I was raised to always be
I was raised to always be courteous and polite. I continue to do this by always smiling and saying "hello" but beyond that, if my osd has nothing more to say to me- I walk off and find something to do. She can never say I ignored her in any way because I always greet first. The greeting is fake, I know this and she knows this. My hello is actually saying, "I allow you into my home but I don't have to acknowledge you beyond this door"