Why does he have to change his behaviour when she is around?!
OK, so things between SO have been very good this year. We had some major rocky issues last year, that come with living together and getting to know eachother properly, and then throw in SD12.
At first I admitted that I was jealous because he practically ignored me when she was around, and eventually in December it seemed he was getting the message and seemed to change his behaviour. She didn't come around so often, and as far as I was concerned it suited me fine.
Just to clarify, I have nothing against the girl, she is nice, albeit lacking in a few manners, but it's always the way he changes when she is around, that annoys me. I don't understand why his behaviour has to change. It's silly things, but they aggravate me. Her brother called to ask if SO could look after her for a few hours whilst he went out, as his mum was at work. SO agreed and then asked me of it was OK when I returned home. I told him that if he had already agreed, why ask me, he smiled guiltily that he honestly thought I wouldn't mind. I think he thought that because she was briefly here the other week and I told her next time she comes we can paint our nails after she commented I had nice long nails whilst hers weren't growing. Anyway she came yesterday, and whilst SO was out at the doctors, it was just me and her, we had a good time, went out to get groceries for dinner that night, made small talk etc, when he came home, the first thing he did was kiss and say hello to her, and then 'forgot' (his words later when I told him) to kiss me hello. The point is he always 'forgets' when she is around, whether it's sayin 'hello', 'goodbye' giving me a kiss or just knowing that I am there. I am sure he 'forgets' I am around. Then when I bring it up, he throws 'jealousy' back in my face. I admit that at the start I was jealous, but the last two months, I don't feel like I am being/acting jealous, maybe because I have noticed subtle changes he has made to make me feel more comfortable, but then bam last night happened. It wasn't just the forgetting to give me a kiss, it was them chatting away, talking and not including me. So i grabbed my book and read.
For background info: I moved to another country to be with him, and am learning the language, so often I feel left out because I don't understand what they are saying, and he knows all of this! That said he is getting better and will occassionally ask me if I understand what they are saying, and if I don't, he'll translate. I know it's easier and more natural for him to talk away in his own language, and he probably enjoys being able to converse in his language with someone in his own home, but sometimes I feel like I'm a spare part.
I have read many posts on here, and my situation is not half as bad as some that I have read. SD12 is over not very often and she is a good kid, apart from the manners part, but maybe that's a teenage thing. I just don't understand why he has to change/forget! Last night and this morning I convieniently 'forgot' to kiss him! I know silly but sometimes it grates on me.
Sometimes I feel like I am making a big deal out of someting that isn't really all that important, and considering some of the issues other people write about on here, I should ( and do!) count myself very lucky, but occassionally I need to vent! 
I feel you on several levels.
I feel you on several levels. DH and I are from the same country but grew up completely different lifestyles I am considered to be "uppity" to his family as my family had a little money not much but enough to matter so sometimes I feel like they don't realize that I don't understand what they are talking about when they go into detail about "working for the state (prisons)" and such - it really sucks - but I can only imagine how frustrated I would be if it was a complete other language. I sympathize for you.
As for him "forgetting" he may have not wanted to make SD jealous. I know there are times and I mentioned this in another post earlier that especially like when my DH comes home from work (he works offshore) he will be affectionate with me but not so much around SS as SS will get jealous sometimes. Sometimes it is just when he get home, but also random other times he will make a face or try to climb all over his dad when it is clear that I am cuddling. I mean we aren't super affectionate around the kid, but are more affectionate than him and BM were and then me being another woman, though I've been around for a while clearly still bothers SS. DH will hug me but maybe make a noise for a kiss or put his head for me to kiss him on the cheek but disregard my attempts. I am not sure this is his reasoning but I know it has implications on my situation. I am glad that he is at least making a effort to change, and he may have really simply forgot if he is trying to change to do it more.
Wish you the best!
He doesn't wat his daughter
He doesn't wat his daughter to think she is being replaced just as her mother was. Since you have his undivided attention for perhaps 90% of the time why not let him act as he feels he needs to while she is around? It really doesn't cost you anything and allows him to work out this relatively new arrangement.
The girl is nobody to be jealous of which is what is underlying your feelings. His love and attention towards you cannot be diminished by his love and attention towards her.
Granted he may not be as outgoing as you would like but at the end of the day he'll be in your bed not hers.
I agree with you for the most
I agree with you for the most part, but ignoring someone or making them feel left out, is rude, in my book. He is affectionate with me around her, granted not as much as when she isn't around, but i understand that and I'm not asking him to be. I'm just asking for him to at least acknowledge me, by saying hello, goodbye, giving me a kiss hello/goodbye etc, he can do it all the other times, so why change when she is around?!
My DH is the same way
My DH is the same way regarding acting different when SD is around. I have written a few posts about it. He picks her up from his mom’s house when he gets off work and then comes home, walks right past me and into the other room with SD. SD is with us 50% of the time so this shit really gets old. I have talked to him about it NUMEROUS times but he STILL does it. It’s just disrespectful if you ask me. I remember growing up the first thing mom or dad did when they walked in the house (and on their way out) was to give each other a kiss. I just don’t understand this stepfamily bs one bit. I don’t think your DH “forgets” to greet you at all. I think he is being an asshole. There is no excuse to ignore your wife, I don’t care if skids are around or not. That’s just bs.
I get how hurtful it can be
I get how hurtful it can be when DH "forgets" you when SD is over. I've seen several other posters suggest making plans away from them when the skid(s) visit. The hope is that eventually DH (and maybe even Skid) will ask you to stay - and be more attentive. If he goes back to ignoring you, you make plans again.
You say you've moved to be with him, have you made any new friends? Having to 100% rely on DH for a social life has to be tough!! Getting out and about will also help build your new language!
I tried the planning to be
I tried the planning to be out at the start, when I was getting really upset and depressed, but then he would get annoyed as to why I was being anti-social. In his mind I should spend time with them, so I can to know her and her get to know me. he just didn;t understand. I have made some friends, but they all work, so when she comes after school it is hard to make plans and disappear. I've always been independant so being reliant on him for mostly everything is really not easy.
I agree with the #1
I agree with the #1 Responsibility vs #1 Priority concept but I do think a lot of men just won't grasp the distinction, or they will feel guilty if they say (even silently to themselves) their kid is not their number 1 priority, or angry that you have made them choose between you and kid(s) for number 1 priority spot.
Might be better to say that the marriage takes priority because love and stability of the relationship between the two adults forms the basis for the kids' wellbeing. Not that I don't think single parents can't also offer a loving and stable home!
I think the best thing a dad
I think the best thing a dad can show his daughter is how to be treated by a man! They do that by treating their SO right! Maybe if you put it in that context, he'll get it easier!
I love this advice. I often
I love this advice. I often feel like I am number two in his life. I don't want him to ignore the girl when she is here, I just want him to acknowledge that I am here too. He makes this in to a battle, not me. But you are right in what you are saying, and I will tell that to him when the subject comes up. Thank you!
Thank you! For me it is
Thank you! For me it is about respect, and I don't feel respected when he does things like that. To me it is rude, and he is teaching her how to be rude and disrespectful. I like how the other poster put about he needs to be an example and show her how a man should treat a women. I think that is more likely to get through to him, than me repeating the same old stuff over and over again.