Pressure, Pressure, Pressure
DH told me he wants his son to have a mother. SS's mother is dead and has been for two years. DH has always had full custody of SS.
SS was tainted by BM when she was alive and had visits with him EOW. She told him often he could not love someone that was not blood. When DH and I would pick him up from visits, it would take days before DH could get SS to be respectful to me again. He would say terrible things and was living vicariously through his mother. DH was supportive and told BM to stop, but it only made matters worse.
I tried bonding with SS for the first year we were together, but gave up. I didn't want to cause more drama with BM and SS. I somewhat disengaged, but remained a positive role model for SS as I was increasingly spending more time with him. DH needed help with SS getting to and from school, I took over delegating chores when we moved in together, and had to discipline SS when DH was not around.
BM died three years into my relationship with DH. SS's and DH's family thought I should 'replace' BM. I've never bonded with SS and am not comfortable claiming a motherly role with him. ESPECIALLY after the birth of my BD1. While I feel sorry for SS, he's not my kid.
Now that SS has psychological issues, I feel I'm being blamed for them because I'm not stepping up to the mommy plate. DH just sent me an article to 'just look over' about how a mother's influence greatly impacts a teenager's behavior and attitude. While SS has serious attitude and behavior concerns (tweenhood and psychological issues), I don't feel it is my place nor should I be forced to take on a motherly relationship with SS!!!
I'm not mean to the kid, I help DH out and do motherly things for SS...but the bond isn't there! This weird relationship SS and I have is not really working, but it's all I have right now.
PLEASE help me find a way to gently...delicately...lovingly tell my DH and his family that I cannot accept this role or be held responsible for SS's psychological issues, attitude and behavior!
The kid is seeing a counselor, will be seeing a psychiatrist and we are considering prescription medications. I too will be seeing a counselor, with DH to help cope...but I want to know from fellow step-parents' experiences if anyone has dealt with something similar and how it worked.
a mother's influence greatly
a mother's influence greatly impacts a teenager's behavior and attitude
I think there is a lot of truth in that statement. A mother does have a huge influence on teen development.
But what your DH and other family members need to recognize is that ship has sailed. SS was dealt a crappy mother at birth and now she is dead. There is no such thing as a "do over" where some third person can come in and save the day.
No matter what you do you will never be his mother. If he'd been only a few months old when his mother died and you came on board maybe you could have been a "mother" to him. But this is a child that is old enough to have known his mother and to remember her.
It's not like someone can slip you in there and he won't notice that you are a "new mommy" for him. This is not about you accepting a role as mother. It is the child accepting a substitute mother - and that is not easy. You cannot make that happen even if you wanted to.
When your DH states that he wants his son to have a mother you should tell him that HE SHOULD HAVE NOT REPRODUCED with a woman who was not going to live up to the role. THAT IS HIS FAULT NOT YOURS.
This is about what I was
This is about what I was going to say.
SS HAS a mother. Unfortunately for him, she is dead. No matter how much your DH wishes it. No matter how you might wish it and no matter even if SS wished it, you cannot BE his mother.
Another poster is totally correct. He is attempting to push his responsibilities off on you. That way, if SS is a screw-up, guess who gets the blame??
Jesus sueu2! Crack your whip!
Jesus sueu2! Crack your whip! I don't know how to take your suggestions. It looks like you spent a lot of time on your comment but I'm confused. While some of your plan has sound advice (thank you), your approach sucks. Maybe I'm reading your response wrong, but if you don't like my posts and think I'm too harsh to my SS or repetitive, why post anything? Why not ignore it?
It's been a few weeks since I started talking about being a stepparent...resistance is a normal reaction to change. I'm trying to delicately introduce a new lifestyle. It's not easy and as I hash it over and over, it consumes me...which is why I'm hear to vent, ask for help and get support.
Some of the suggestions from the previous posts are working, but I have new circumstances coming up and am looking for validation and support. Excuse me for posting that I wanted suggestions and was looking for advice...I should have posted that I was venting and wanting validation. However, the others didn't seem to mind responding with support and validation. But I'm getting the impression from you, that no matter what anyone posts you'll find a way to belittle that person for their thoughts and try to sound superior by offering your suggestions. Like I said above, your approach sucks and I'd rather you just not comment on my posts. I prefer support from those that don't jump to conclusions or judge me without knowing the whole story.
I thought this site was all
I thought this site was all about posting and looking for support? I have been belittled before too on this site...it doesnt feel very good...we are all here for one reason..SUPPORT. Queeny - I GET YOU. I dont have to deal with a dead BM but I do have to deal with kids that are disconnected from me. 3 of them actually...and i have my own 1 year old as well. I remember a while back SD10 called me "mom". I said back I am not your mom...Then she said you are like a mom to me...and I said thats fine so we all decided to call me by my first name and act like I am their "weekend mom". I didnt feel bad about it...I just dont want to replace her in anyway possible or take on the role that she did/does. If something were to happen to her I would be very terrified...We just dont have that bond. I disengage and usually do my own things when they are here. They do the same. I sometimes feed them (DH does most of the cooking)...maybe take them to an event or shopping here and there...but I dont and wont go beyond just being a friendly face for them to see every other weekend. I recently said to my husband that I dont feel appreciated by his kids and that I want their respect and love...but do I really? I am seeing my own therapist next week to deal. I think I caused them to disconnect because i did. I think a lot of people have the misconception that step mothers want to take over BM roles but it is TRULY not the case on so many levels!! I often ask myself why cant I love these 3 children that arent mine? I can take them or leave them and honestly, I know they feel the same about me.