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disrespectful stepdaughter

angelvic's picture

Submitted by angelvic on Wed, 04/13/2011 - 8:58am

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Parenting Issues

Hello,
I am a 38 year old Hungarian woman, 4 years ago I met my husband on the internet , he is 52 years old, fell in love and I left my whole life in Hungary and came over to the USA and we got married. We are happily married, Í love him so much, he is the best husband ever.
Í do not have any children, but he has a 13 year old daughter who is being raised by my husband ex wife, almost all week, my husband sees her only Wednesdays and Saturdays.
Í have 3 degrees in teaching, Í was a higly respected English and Literature teacher in Hungary.I have a university degree as well.I always loved children and I always wanted to teach them. Í have taught about 1000 children while I was a teacher., and Í have learned children psychology for 4 years.
So when Í came over Í was so happy that we will have a nice family, she was 10 years old then. My husband explained to her he loves me so much, Í will be his wife and Í will take car of them as well. Í was very nice to them, Í pleased them, cooked for them, kept the house clean, took care of them. Í bought little surprises for her, baked her favourite cookies for her, cooked favourite meals for her. But she never accepted me, respected me, she is always against me, talks back to me, and anything Í ask her she says: Í do not know, Í do not care.

My husband talked to her again, that please be nice to her because she is very nice to you.I think she just does not want to accept anybody who is around her father!!!
We have moved into a new house in June, we were very happy, and Í got pregnant, but after 8 weeks Í miscarried our baby. It was an unplanned pregnancy, and my blood suger and blood pressure were very high.
We told her that we will have brand new furniture, brand new appliances, TV everthing, they were not cheap so please take care of everything. We set simple rules in the house: shoes off, clean after yourself, brush teeth, put pijama on, no internet after 10 etc.
She never listens to me, Í have asked her not to remove her nailpolish on the brand new table...she did not say anything, then she ruined the table with the nailpolish, and Í told her, look what have you done...she asked back: SOOOOOOOOO??????? She hates me, and she hates everything which related to me.
Í have a wonderful sweet dwarf hanging ear bunny at home, she is our pet, she is free in the whole house, and Í brough her from Hungary. Every children was crazy about her, and my husband daughter never every pads her, she ignores her.

She is always bored at us, she never likes anything, so the last few weekends when her mother picked her up, she was always crying because she told her mother Í did not let her anything so Í am the bad person in her eyes.
Í take 4 medication for my high blood pressure, because usually it is 160 /100, Í was at the emergency many times with high blood pressure. Every Wednesday and every weekend when she is around my blood pressure is 210/140 Í am near the strokes or heart attack. Í do not need this. The doctors told me that my life is in danger with 210/140 blood pressure.
The main problem is Í try to discipline her or train her, because her father never tells her what she should not do. He has only 2 afternoons a week and he wants to be with her without disciplining.He is very blind, he always defends her daughter.
Her mom does not discipline her at all, she is very liberal, she lets her daughter doing anything.
We have reached that point couple weeks ago that in a car, when my husband was driving, after an argument she kicked my shoulder very bad and talked back to me like trash.
After this Í have texted to my husband wife and asked for help and Í told her that Í have problems with her daughter.She was always nice to me and helpful. But after this she sent a message back, that Í am unreasonable, demanding, mean spirited and Í did not earn to the right for being a stepmom of her daughter. Í was shocked, she dared to say this after Í did everything for her daughter, and Í just asked for help.
And Í texted back to her, that Í did not expect this one, your daughter is very disrespectful and sassing, does not respect me, so she is not welcome in my home anymore with this behavior.
Since then she is not in my house Í am calm and peaceful, my husband goes and see her every Wednesday and Saturday. It is much better for me, but painful for my husband. Í think they/ must go to a family therapist or psychologist, because my husband wants to make a family, but he could not make it so far. Now my husband older daughter and his exwife are threatening him, to leave me and break up with me, move out from me to see his little daughter more. We love each other I do not want to lose him, but I cannot stand his daughter...

Please tell me your opinion about this situation, Í would like to show your opinion to my husband, maybe he will realize that he was blind.

Thank you
Kolivic

angelvic's picture

Submitted by angelvic on Wed, 04/13/2011 - 11:54am

Hi Echo,

thank you for your answer.
You are right, my husband does not do anything with his daughter, because he always says that he just sees her twice 5 hours a week, so he wants to spend his time with her nicely, not with disciplining. I know it is not right but I understand a little bit, he cannot correct all of her bad behaviour in 10 hours a week. But at least he should do some disciplining and tell her sometimes thats not right.
We are ignoring his older daughter and his ex wife, but they always bothering us with nasty emails and text messages. There is a big pressure on my husband, and he cannot do anything against them. His older daughter has a nasty mouth, she is very spiteful and nasty.
They will ruin our marriage, I have sacrificed everything for him, I left my parents, friends in Hungary, I ran to him here and I have to live with this sh*t.
He is not ok with seeing his daughter outside our home. He wants to see her here and he wants her to sleep here. Thats what his exwife is claiming from us. My husband wants me to get closer to his daughter but I cant even see her anymore...

monet30's picture

Submitted by monet30 on Sun, 05/01/2011 - 9:16pm

What is happing with these spinless men so called Dads, they think they are helping out these kids by giving in to them but they are really hurting them because when it come to the outside world away from dear old dad they can not handle it really they are stopping there kids from growing up, my sd can call and dad will run, she can not do anything on her on because she has never been made too. I feel for you Im right there with you.

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Wed, 04/13/2011 - 4:12pm

I too am sorry you've had to deal with this foolishness and a miscarriage.
Under no circumstances should you let this demon child back in your home . . for any reason. Do not allow her antics to ruin your health.

And your DH should be ashamed of himself to allow her to physically assault you. His lack of discipline because he doesn't want to spend that time being negative, .. is a pathetic excuse for poor parenting at its best. It's his job as a parent to chastise and correct her . . not turn the other cheek to appease her. That's why she's the spoiled, disrespectful brat that she is. If DH can't see the damage she and ex are causing you may have no choice but to leave. Is he willing to go to counseling to save his marriage? The poster who wrote "he still belongs to his ex and SDs" was right. You have to get through to DH. He's the real problem here.

Good luck.

Yme's picture

Submitted by Yme on Wed, 04/13/2011 - 5:40pm

Go to counceling please.....your DH really needs to get his eyes opened to YOUR needs and the needs of his daughter....at 13 your step daughter NEEDS her fathers guidance!!! "Guidance" DOES and MUST include discipline!!!!! Like the other posters have stated her dad is setting the example of what the SD will look for in the men in her life.....And she is learing that she can control her Daddy...BAD BAD BAD idea!!!
Remember DH's 1st marriage failed for some reason...most likely not from issues with his kids...I would guess his failed marriage has a lot to do with how he treats others and their feelings...DH seems out of touch with what others feel and he may have a huge amount of guilt over leaving his DD's...He is a "great husband" according to you so he does have some good qualities left in your eyes...Dont let all the grief that your SD is causing make your marriage fall apart (or SD will have won!!)...DH hasn't caused you so much grief that you want to leave because of HIS actions...You still value DH and the man he is in your eyes, that is WHY I am saying go to therapy!!! ASAP! Before you fall out of love with him...try to get him to go...to work on YOUR communication with each other...IF DH won't go with you, go for yourself! You may learn ways to handle this situation with the DH/SD/BM/and the older SD...or at least how to NOT let the DH and BM run over you...and how to set boundaries with the whole lot of them...My hope is when DH sees the change in your stress level and how you act/react to SD DH will want to know what the change is...and how it happened...YOU will have peace if nothing else...

I say this because my DH is CLUELESSSSSSS!!!!! Even though he is a "WONDERFUL" husband (and I almost let my SD's behavior rob me of this)...He is just a CRAAAAPPPPPY father where his DD13 is concerned...My SD13 has a boat load of psych issues so a lot of her "problems" aren't likely to ever change...The one thing that I learned in therapy is HOW to set some boundaries with SD and DH...Limits over how she treats and affect me...additionally I got A LOT of validation of my feelings and the worth my feelings... This was helpful because I was able to talk to DH about all of this during therapy...I have learned to disassociate my feelings and actions when I deal with my SD13 (this site has HELPED me with this SO MUCH!!!)...I have asked my DH to just have his DD13 treat me with the same respect that she does the bus driver she rides to school with everyday...(not asking for much am I??) So far the SD13 has not been able to be "just nice" to me....Her actions have spoken more for her nasty personality and her motives than I could have EVER complained about to my DH...So far DH is working really hard to put my SD13 in her place....THIS has taken a HUGE amount of time and understanding that we have gotten through counceling and my disengaging (read up on this on this site!) with this lil BRAT!!! SD13 does have psych issues but she does have the ability to be nice!! I am just requiring that she step up...I have put that job on the person it belongs to HER DAD!!!!! He had her it is HIS JOB to raise her!!!!! HE is responsable for HER and HER ACTIONS!! NOT ME!!!! (Please believe me it took a long time for me to learn this...dont make my mistake...and let your SD ruin your happiness!)
Don't give up on your marriage and DH until you give therapy a real try....I was on the verge of leaving and I was able to get this across to DH with the help of therapy....Things aren't perfect but they are much better...
Good Luck! Best wishes for your improved health and so sorry about you loosing your baby...don't give up....

ch21's picture

Submitted by ch21 on Wed, 04/13/2011 - 10:14pm

i first want to say welcome to america and step parenting. i am an american parent and i am not taking up for all of us but i will take up for me. i am not lazy and my daughter is very respectful and sweet and if she talks back or gets out of line i will whipp her little butt and punish her from everything. my bd on the other hand was the way your husband is. he had the "part time daddy syndrome" where he did not want to spend his time to discpline the kids. well then he realized that he did not have to. he realize with my help that if u put your foot down and lay down the law that the discpline is not needed as much because the child knows what is expected and what will happen if they do not do it. it may take a few weeks for her to see that he will not bend, but those few weeks are so worth having a respectful child.
he is teaching her that she can get away with things because he does not see her often. imo that is bogus. his job is not to be her friend but her father. my grandmother has always told me to bend the tree when its young because once it is grown there is no more bending.
girls have a lot of pressure on them with society and other things as well so it is especially important with girls to raise them with morals and respect for themself and for others and he is not showing her either.
i am pregnant now and my bloodpressure and sugar and outrageous too so i understand that u do not need to be stressed. in order for everyone to be happy dh needs to step up and make things right so that u all can be a family. u seem like a great stepmom and that u actually want to be in her life unlike a lot of the ones i know so please let ur husband read all of these comments so that he can hopefully change. he does not have to be yelling every visit. if he is firm she will learn in no time.
as far as the ex she is irrelevant she has no wants because she is the ex. she can go to crap. if she wants her kid to be disrespectful on her watch so be it but do not allow your husband to let her be on you alls. there is not many things more embarassing than a disrepectful kid