Please share your advice on potential "ours" baby issues!
Hi all!
I haven't been on here for a while. Things have been improving; still rocky at times but solid.
We've decided to start having a baby together in May. We are opening all lines of communication regarding our concerns, being on the same page parenting wise, everything. The past two days I've brought up some topics and we've just discussed our thoughts and compromised on how we will raise our baby, and so far most of it has been pretty easy going.
I really want there to be something we need to dig into that are real issues that could cause problems down the line. I can't think, maybe you guys have some personal experiences you would like to share. If you had known before, maybe you wouldn't have conceived, or is there something you wish you would have discussed with your SO before you got pregnant?
So far we've talked about...
Religion
School
Possibility of moving
Child care options
Discipline
Division of duties
And some other related topics I'm not thinking of. I think the more we talk, the better we feel about it. I don't want there to be any more doubts in my mind, so he knows I'm just going to keep searching until I find all the questions I need to know until I feel satisfied. lol
Thank you in advance!
Oh and I'm not sure if
Oh and I'm not sure if matters but we've been married 2 years, together 6.5 years and I have a DS9, SD10 and SD13.
Trust me I feel ya! DON'T
Trust me I feel ya! DON'T give up on fighting for your private time with your bio and DH. You three are a family, and you four are also another family and try to get your DH to understand that it is perfectly normal to spend quality time alone and it is good for the relationships.
SD could be acting out because she has a need and is crying out for something because a need isnt being met. If dad could spend a little time with her and use that time to model proper behavior she might act better and feel more secure when he is at home. She won't feel like she has to compete with you and BK.
It's hard to get husbands to understand. I'm only starting to, I'm realizing the best time to talk to him about what he needs to fix is when we aren't mad at each other LOL
i am expecting and there is
i am expecting and there is one thing that i did not discuss and it is what we will do if a baby has some significant issues before birth. I so far feel like i would not want to continue with the pregnancy if something was horribly wrong (throw rocks at me, but i would consider termination in case of a down syndrome, for example). My gut feeling tells me that he would feel differently about it, and since i am already expecting, I decided to hope for the best (of course) and get checked for everything and only bring something up if needed. But this is something you might want to talk about before you are in my situation
Ah yes we talked about
Ah yes we talked about this... We agreed we would also terminate. :O But it would be within the first trimester of course. If you are pregnant then they should be able to do a test and tell you if there are any defects no? With my first they were able to detect this very early on. Good luck and thank you!
I really hope they can check
I really hope they can check for everything early on, not sure if "everything" is possible to check for, however. Good you guys are on the same page!
Guardianship in the event of
Guardianship in the event of both parents dying - who will you both be comfortable with looking after baby and how will that affect the relationships with the siblings.
Inheritance for all the kids from your estates.
Finance in general - paying for college or not? Start a savings account for that now or not? Will you fund music, dance, language etc lessons or not? Will any of this raise the "unfair" flag in either the parents or the siblings and require attention?
You said you covered child care, but did that include whether the 13 year old is an option for a babysitter ever - my sad would Never be a babysitting option for us, some bio parents might be offended by that stance...
Housing arrangements - do you have enough space for everyone without rearranging or does someone need to move, who and when and what will that look like.
Okay wow I'm going to talk to
Okay wow I'm going to talk to him about these things tonight! These are great!
What will happen if you
What will happen if you split. Make the plan now, and I'd get it in writing. And don't give me this crap about how that's never gonna happen. You've already said you'd both off your Down syndrome baby, so I'm thinking a divorce isn't outside the realm of possibility. Not to mention, obviously, that you've already each had kids with someone before...
Well, it's a screening test,
Well, it's a screening test, not a diagnostic one, so I don't think "inaccurate" is the right word. That's all it's designed to do is "give you an idea about your risks". Also, the screening (we're talking the Triple Screen, right? Multiple Marker Screening and AFP Plus?) should be done between the 15th and 20th weeks, but ideally between weeks 16 and 18. NO ONE should terminate based on the screening test alone, that's ridiculous. The next step if the screening test indicates a high risk is to either do an amnio or a CVS. My screening with the twins came back high-risk, we did a CVS which is an actual diagnostic test. (Note that both test the *placenta*, not the baby, and so actually are not 100% reliable either. Things can go wrong with the placenta and the baby can be fine, and vice versa.)
The reason they do the screening test is because both diagnostic tests carry some risk for miscarriage - they would NOT do them unless needed. If you don't think you'd terminate that late in the pregnancy (20-ish weeks, once you get the screen back, have the diagnostic, and then get THOSE results back), I wouldn't have the screening at all, honestly.
Okay woah woah woah... Lol...
Okay woah woah woah... Lol... Like monkeyseemonkey do said, i didnt ask for debate on the issue of downs nor really know how testing works as well as you guys do. Thanks for the info. For the record above a certain point i wouldnt feel comfortable terminating however i would rather find out early to avoid life long suffering but i dont know how okay i am with people who tell me im okay with offing my down syndrome baby. Kinda messed up language to be using in that regard. Moving on!
Because dh and i have both have had children before obviously we are approaching with caution. Me more than him.
What it sounds like is that we just need to agree for the most part, and communicate well being open minded making our first family priority
Everyone makes their own
Everyone makes their own decision to keep/terminate and I think that decision is best left to those in that position.
That being said my friend had a screen test and ultrasound come back + for potential downs syndrome, the doctors wanted to do the amniotic fluid test but parents refused. Lot of discussions followed, however, baby was born without downs.
I myself, didn't do my downs test screening. We would not have terminated, so the test was pointless for our plans, so we just didn't even do it.