DH and "ours baby"
DH and I had been talking for a while about having a baby together. Our first and I've never been pregnant before. We finally decided and he is getting a reversal in a few weeks.
He came to me yesterday and prefaced that he was going to say something and he didn't want me to take it the wrong way--
He is scared there is going to be something wrong with the baby, and it has been consuming his thoughts for a long while.
He also said that he hadn't felt this way since "She was pregnant with youngest SD" He brought up that BM miscarried their first baby and his brother's wife has had two miscarriages in five years.
I guess I didn't give the right reaction because he followed up with "you're not?"
I told him, of course, I thought about it. It probably crosses every pregnant mother's mind.
And since he had the fear with every pregnancy with BM, this is a normal stage for him to be in expecting another baby.
I told him there is a lot of power in positive thinking. To focus on what he wants in the baby instead of what he doesn't want. I gave him the example that he shouldn't be thinking 'what if the baby is stillborn' he should be thinking 'I want the baby born healthy'
Did any of your DH's express these fears while you were pregnant? Was there anything you said or did that eased the sense of doom hanging over his head?
I call it the genetic
I call it the genetic lottery. It's normal to be a little apprehensive. Are you sure he isn't trying to get out of having a baby with you?
Those worries are completely
Those worries are completely normal. I know my DH has them. But that's because we've recently miscarried and I think he knows how hard it is on me. I would do exactly what you're saying... talk about the power of positive thinking and both keep your minds off it as much as possible
You can't avoid the inevitable. If something goes wrong, you get through it together and try again later.
Hope everything goes well! And yes, keep us up to date on nursery decorating, names, etc.
Baby planning is fun!!
Wow you read a lot into a
Wow you read a lot into a question that has little to do with your response. Why are you always so negative?
My DH had those worries
My DH had those worries CONSTANTLY when I was pregnant, especially with our first together. He was convinced our child would be autistic, and even when he was a baby, DH would ask "is that a sign??" for every little thing. By our third child together, he didn't worry quite as much.
I think it could be a combination of second thoughts and normal fears, or just the normal fears. He needs to 'fess up if he really doesn't want a child, or if it's just fear.
Here's my two cents, and my
Here's my two cents, and my DH's. While it's possible it was an intentional choice to try and put you off having an ours baby, the fear is likely real. He's had to live through the excitement of finding out his spouse was pregnant, then a miscarriage. The pain of that loss is not only felt by women. He's also seen it happen to his sister so he may be wondering if something in his dna is causing this - maybe he doesn't want YOU to experience that pain. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help relieve his fears. I think your choice to focus on the positives instead of the negatives is a good step.
Shortly after BS1.5 was born, I ended up in the ER with extreme abdominal pain. I thought it was a kidney stone. Turns out I had a 7 inch ovarian cyst that was starting to twist. I ended up having to have surgery to remove it, and while they were in they discovered that the cyst had overtaken one of my ovaries entirely, and another large cyst had start to form on the other. They took the one ovary and half of the other out entirely. While it turned out to be a fairly minor issue, DH has never been able to get that out of his head. He's confessed that he knows it had nothing to do with BS1.5's birth, but in his feelings they are linked. It was the confession of that fear that really made me say no more kids. He also has taken on birth control entirely, as he doesn't want me taking anything that might mess with my hormones. He's afraid it will happen again.
DH knows it's not logical, but it's linked to the fear he had when we didn't know what was going on. It may be that same way for your DH. It may not be that he doesn't want another child but the fear of something going wrong is getting to him.
Your best option may be to be straightforward. "Do you really want a baby with me? I need to know the truth. If you do want a baby and just have these fears popping up, I will do my best to help you overcome those fears. If it's a hesitation about having a baby at all, I need to know that.
I think it is important to
I think it is important to acknowledge his fears as real and legitimate. Many pregnancies do end in miscarriage. It is sad and painful. What he needs reassuring on is that you two will do the best you can, that you will support each other and that no matter what you will have each other. He needs reassurance that the potential joy that a baby will bring to your family is worth the risk of the pain that a miscarriage or still birth could cause you two. Being positive is a good way to try to refocus the mind but acknowledgment of the real risks and his real fears and previous pain he experienced are important too. Just telling him to think positively is a bit too dismissive of him, his emotions and his experiences in my mind.