Poop, I wrote a whole paragraph, trying to be balanced and kind, but accidentially deleted it.
Basically what I said was, always nice to see conversations about step parents, and she did include some useful stats, but the author is just a wee bit DELUSIONAL. And no matter how she tries to marginalize the BM (who IS engaged and has 50% custody, btw), she cannot erase those kids' mother.
If you're willing to "opt it", there's no "opting out" of parts of it. If you want to have a say in the lives of your SKs when your spouse passes away, be prepared to pay child support, part of university eduction etc. You don't get all the privileges without the responsibility.
In Canada they often DO consider the relationship of steps. It is not unheard of to be awarded visitation upon the death of a spouse. But in general you end up with the same rights as a grandparent unless there are unusual circumstances that would warrant more rights than that.
I bet she calls herself a Mama Bear/Boy Mom on social media as well. She probably gets all uppity anytime somebody tells her that her “home grown business” is actually an MLM. While yes I do believe that the negative narrative given to stepparents needs to be changed, I do not think they should have legal rights, unless the other biological parent wants to sign theirs away. If she and her DH have kids and god forbid they end up divorced and she re-marries and so does he…is she hoping this “other mother” will want legal obligations to her bio children? Is she going to push that her new husband now becomes “her boys” step-step father?
She's two years into this. She's still in the honeymoon period. They have not faced any challenges yet. BD loses his job, you get to pay his child support? You get a great, life changing, always wanted job transfer, you give it up to stay near the steps? Step teen/tween screaming at you that you are not their mother. Step wants X or Y, you can't afford it, what do you give up so they can have it (step tells you that parent sacrifices for their child.) You have a bio with DH. Steps then have four adults to support them. Your bio has one --you.
Delusional was the first word that came to mind. She hasn't even been married to her husband for 3 years yet. Those sweet, loving kids are still young. Give it time . .
I sign school permission slips. I sign consent forms at the doctor's office. No one has ever challenged me, and they're all aware I'm "just" the stepmom. I'm sure it's easier and more practical for them to allow me to act in DH's stead, even if they're not perfectly following the legal niceties. But BM has never challenged it or gone to the school or the doctor's office waving her court order screaming "she's not the mom," either. If DH drops off the face of the earth tomorrow, I doubt I'd see much of the skids again. I am not disengaged, but I don't view myself as a parent with rights, either. I like my skids, but I no longer put enough of myself into them that I'd be devastated if they were removed from my life. Having my own bio helped me see that there's a big difference between your own child and a stepchild.
In fact, delusional pollyannas like this new SM are partly the reason we all get a bad rap. All she did was hit a hornets nest, especially for BMs who read it, to point out how "all" women in SM positions are trying to manipulate their children away from them.
Was I the only one who was irked by her referring to her stepkids as "her children"? This woman is only thinking of herself and not seeing the big picture - i.e. that there's a reason stepparents do not have any legal rights. Heck, does she realize that many bioparents do not have any rights of medical, legal, educational things for their kids? And she, an unrelated person, wants all that an more? Any time a step parent gets rights, those same rights are automatically diminished for the bioparent. Imagine she had medical rights and she wanted to get the kids vaccinate but her husband or BM did not ...
I'd also be interested to hear how she feels about her steps when she has a child of her own... Will she still love them with the same intensity? Is it possible that she is so intense about her skids because maybe she struggles with infertility? Does she realize how selfish all of her article sounds - she's only interested in what she has or hasn't got and doesn't understand that her role isn't to replace (because that is what she is angling for) a bioparent?
Love doesn't give you any more rights than being a spouse. Anything you do for their children, you do because you want to, not because you're entitled to.
I guess, good for her to wanting to keep the step kids if their father pass away. I thought about adopting my SS, when I first married DH, and I've now learned that I was delusional, and he has a mother, who's not me. I could care less if ss will end up going back to his own mother, who has not been doing anything for her own son.
the schools all know I'm the stepmom, they've never challenge me. I don't sign any permission slips unless DH is not available and specifically asked me to sign. No problem has ever happened, it also doesn't bother me If I "can't" sign.
i will for sure feel bad because I definitely won't fight to keep ss with me if DH passes away, only because my in-laws have been nothing but good to me. Ss and I just won't work out, and I do not want to carry him to the end of my life.
The ones that go all in on being the best stepmoms or "bonus moms" are the ones that fall the hardest when the inevitable conflict happens. It will happen. We've all been through the same things. Will she get left off of a family picture or school project about family, denied a ticket to a graduation in favor of other family? A less than honored position at a wedding? Maybe the kids do like her a lot and it will be BM that gets annoyed and then asserts her role as mom. Maybe the kids learn to play the mom's off each other...
Stepparenting is death by a thousand cuts, they will add up.
Ugh... I get that it is tough to grow to love the kids and then potentially have that taken away if something were to happen..but it's not all that different than when you breakup and friends and family become part of the collateral damage there.. you are no longer close to his sister.. his mom doesn't call to chat etc..
The reality is that the complexities with new partners.. kids etc.. it could be very difficult to realistically manage that. And.. the bottom line is while she is a co-head of her household.. she is not their mother.
The other logistics as far as medical permission school permission etc? Well.. there are actually legal documents that could allow you to act on the bio parent's behalf.. so maybe pursuing a medical power of atty? if both bio parents are so fine with you taking ownership of the kids.. they won't mind signing one.
Though.. she may find that the bio mom is not overly thrilled with another woman calling those kids "hers".
Poop, I wrote a whole
Poop, I wrote a whole paragraph, trying to be balanced and kind, but accidentially deleted it.
Basically what I said was, always nice to see conversations about step parents, and she did include some useful stats, but the author is just a wee bit DELUSIONAL. And no matter how she tries to marginalize the BM (who IS engaged and has 50% custody, btw), she cannot erase those kids' mother.
Not the best representative of our people, IMO.
MAJORLY DELUSIONAL...
that is all I have...
ETA: Wonder if the author would be keen on having to pay CS if her husband did pass away.
Especially your ETA
If you're willing to "opt it", there's no "opting out" of parts of it. If you want to have a say in the lives of your SKs when your spouse passes away, be prepared to pay child support, part of university eduction etc. You don't get all the privileges without the responsibility.
In Canada they often DO consider the relationship of steps. It is not unheard of to be awarded visitation upon the death of a spouse. But in general you end up with the same rights as a grandparent unless there are unusual circumstances that would warrant more rights than that.
Not all who marry someone
Not all who marry someone with children consider themselves to be a stepparent. Some are simply "Dad's wife" or "Mom's husband".
And the author is fortunate that:
I could go on, but we wouldn't be here if we hadn't experienced stephell.
I bet she calls herself a
I bet she calls herself a Mama Bear/Boy Mom on social media as well. She probably gets all uppity anytime somebody tells her that her “home grown business” is actually an MLM. While yes I do believe that the negative narrative given to stepparents needs to be changed, I do not think they should have legal rights, unless the other biological parent wants to sign theirs away. If she and her DH have kids and god forbid they end up divorced and she re-marries and so does he…is she hoping this “other mother” will want legal obligations to her bio children? Is she going to push that her new husband now becomes “her boys” step-step father?
She's two years into this.
She's two years into this. She's still in the honeymoon period. They have not faced any challenges yet. BD loses his job, you get to pay his child support? You get a great, life changing, always wanted job transfer, you give it up to stay near the steps? Step teen/tween screaming at you that you are not their mother. Step wants X or Y, you can't afford it, what do you give up so they can have it (step tells you that parent sacrifices for their child.) You have a bio with DH. Steps then have four adults to support them. Your bio has one --you.
Delusional was the first word
Delusional was the first word that came to mind. She hasn't even been married to her husband for 3 years yet. Those sweet, loving kids are still young. Give it time . .
I sign school permission slips. I sign consent forms at the doctor's office. No one has ever challenged me, and they're all aware I'm "just" the stepmom. I'm sure it's easier and more practical for them to allow me to act in DH's stead, even if they're not perfectly following the legal niceties. But BM has never challenged it or gone to the school or the doctor's office waving her court order screaming "she's not the mom," either. If DH drops off the face of the earth tomorrow, I doubt I'd see much of the skids again. I am not disengaged, but I don't view myself as a parent with rights, either. I like my skids, but I no longer put enough of myself into them that I'd be devastated if they were removed from my life. Having my own bio helped me see that there's a big difference between your own child and a stepchild.
She did SMs no favor.
In fact, delusional pollyannas like this new SM are partly the reason we all get a bad rap. All she did was hit a hornets nest, especially for BMs who read it, to point out how "all" women in SM positions are trying to manipulate their children away from them.
Was I the only one who was
Was I the only one who was irked by her referring to her stepkids as "her children"? This woman is only thinking of herself and not seeing the big picture - i.e. that there's a reason stepparents do not have any legal rights. Heck, does she realize that many bioparents do not have any rights of medical, legal, educational things for their kids? And she, an unrelated person, wants all that an more? Any time a step parent gets rights, those same rights are automatically diminished for the bioparent. Imagine she had medical rights and she wanted to get the kids vaccinate but her husband or BM did not ...
I'd also be interested to hear how she feels about her steps when she has a child of her own... Will she still love them with the same intensity? Is it possible that she is so intense about her skids because maybe she struggles with infertility? Does she realize how selfish all of her article sounds - she's only interested in what she has or hasn't got and doesn't understand that her role isn't to replace (because that is what she is angling for) a bioparent?
Love doesn't give you any more rights than being a spouse. Anything you do for their children, you do because you want to, not because you're entitled to.
Delusional
I guess, good for her to wanting to keep the step kids if their father pass away. I thought about adopting my SS, when I first married DH, and I've now learned that I was delusional, and he has a mother, who's not me. I could care less if ss will end up going back to his own mother, who has not been doing anything for her own son.
the schools all know I'm the stepmom, they've never challenge me. I don't sign any permission slips unless DH is not available and specifically asked me to sign. No problem has ever happened, it also doesn't bother me If I "can't" sign.
i will for sure feel bad because I definitely won't fight to keep ss with me if DH passes away, only because my in-laws have been nothing but good to me. Ss and I just won't work out, and I do not want to carry him to the end of my life.
The ones that go all in on
The ones that go all in on being the best stepmoms or "bonus moms" are the ones that fall the hardest when the inevitable conflict happens. It will happen. We've all been through the same things. Will she get left off of a family picture or school project about family, denied a ticket to a graduation in favor of other family? A less than honored position at a wedding? Maybe the kids do like her a lot and it will be BM that gets annoyed and then asserts her role as mom. Maybe the kids learn to play the mom's off each other...
Stepparenting is death by a thousand cuts, they will add up.
So true, death by a thousand
So true, death by a thousand cuts.
Ugh... I get that it is tough
Ugh... I get that it is tough to grow to love the kids and then potentially have that taken away if something were to happen..but it's not all that different than when you breakup and friends and family become part of the collateral damage there.. you are no longer close to his sister.. his mom doesn't call to chat etc..
The reality is that the complexities with new partners.. kids etc.. it could be very difficult to realistically manage that. And.. the bottom line is while she is a co-head of her household.. she is not their mother.
The other logistics as far as medical permission school permission etc? Well.. there are actually legal documents that could allow you to act on the bio parent's behalf.. so maybe pursuing a medical power of atty? if both bio parents are so fine with you taking ownership of the kids.. they won't mind signing one.
Though.. she may find that the bio mom is not overly thrilled with another woman calling those kids "hers".