New here...I need to vent, and I'm very stressed out. :(
Hi everyone,
I wanted to first of all say hello-I am new here. 
Secondly, I wanted to give you some info about my situation. I have recently married a wonderful man. He is the father of a just turning 4 year old daughter. I am the mother of three children-ranging from 4 to 12 years old. My husband is very sweet and mild mannered, but his ex wife is a piece of work. (She was much younger than him, acts very immaturely or volitile if she doesn't get her way...has a life history of disfunction, etc.)
Anyhow...here is my situation. My three children are normal children and more on the intelligent side. My older two are both in the "smart classes" at school, honor roll, etc. My four year old (just turned four) can sit and do 50-100 pc. jigsw puzzles quietly...my daughter will read for hours, etc. I raised my kids "old school" as far as discipline-I have always been a disciplinarian and have always expected my kids to do what they were told, behave in public, and so on.
My stepdaughter...honestly, I LOATHE her. I feel horribly about it...more than anyone will ever know. I honestly cannot stand her to be around. She is the exact OPPOSITE of my husband. She has his eyes...but I might as well be living with a miniature version of his ex.
When I first met this little girl that he spoke so fondly of early last year-she was like a wild animal. She was 2 1/2 at the time, and she knew NOTHING but wildness. She screamed, bit, threw fits, acted like someone had literally shot her if they told her no. You could not take her ANYWHERE because she was so loud and awful. I went to dinner with my then boyfriend and his mother...and the kid spent the entire meal crying, getting down under the table, throwing her crayons, and at one point dumping Sweet N Low packets into her grandmothers drink. She was an ass.
During those first few months that we dated...I observed her carefully. I noticed some specific problems:
~She was never, ever discplined.
~She was an only child...and everyone treated her like "princess".
~I started seeing signs that she might have ADHD and possible ODD.
~I started seeing signs that she had possible learning disabilities, and mental issues.
Add all of that together...and you've got the Tasmanian Devil.
I started about a year ago with my then boyfriend, about discipline. As time went on, in the spring I started urging him to look into getting her tested for ADHD, ODD, mental issues, etc. We are in the process of doing that NOW. She has her second child psych appointment next week...and her ADHD testing and IQ tests are in September.
Basically-we have her 4 days a week...and it is killing me. I am depressed and edgy every Sunday becWause that is the day we get her...and I am relaxed and thrilled every Wednesday evening because that is when she goes back to her mom. I just HATE HATE HATE feeling this way about a child...but I cannot stand to be around her. I have cried so many times.
To make things worse...her mother doesn't think anything is wrong with her, and fights us some on the whole child psych and ADHD stuff.
I also have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and it makes me MUCH MORE observant to all of her "crazy". Her dad is used to her and blocks stuff out...and I have to point out things to him like:
"It is NOT normal for a 3 year old to pull poop out of her diaper and smear it on stuff".
"Do you realize she has repeated the word YELLOW over and over again for the past 10 minutes of this car trip?"
"She has walked around the kitchen table for 15 minutes repeating the word SKATE."
She has done some really odd things, in my opinion...things that aren't right. One day she started saying "Kill (my sons name)" and giggling repeatedly until her dad told her to stop. A few weeks later she was singing "Break (my cats name)" over and over. Sometimes I speak to her and she refuses to answer me completely-she just stares at me. She will hurt my cats if I don't watch her. She has been in the potty training process for a year and still pees/poops in her pants often-she'll be four in a couple weeks. She cannot sit or stand still-but flops, dances, twirls, and hops about 24/7. She has one volume-loud, and her voice sounds like she has been sucking helium balloons.
I just feel so hopeless...and so awful. I don't trust this child to be alone in my home for two seconds...so for four days a week I feel like I'm on 24/7 prison guard duty.
Help.
WOW I really dont know what
WOW I really dont know what to say, but at least wanted to give you a ((hug))
Sorry to hear you have such
Sorry to hear you have such issues with her. It does tell me that you care and love this child and are willing to help.Don't worry to much about BM, you do what you have to do and in the end, it is better for everyone involved. Welcome to our site !
(HUGS)
Thank you ladies. *hug* I
Thank you ladies. *hug*
I just don't know what to do, or where to turn. This child is ID (if you have read Lord Of The Flies...lol). She doesn't care about anyone but herself...and moreso than what is normal for an almost four year old. Other examples:
~A few weeks ago I was very nauseated because of a medication change. I was sitting by the toilet, feeling ill, and my youngest (he and stepdaughter are only a few weeks apart in age-both 4/almost 4) son brought me his "Silky" which is his lovie animal he sleeps with. He simply came in, hugged me, and laid Silky beside me. SD, on the other hand, badgered me constantly. "I'm thirstiiiieeeeeee...I'm hungrieeeeeee.....I can't do thisssssss...." (She always talks in a constant whine.)
~She frequently makes us stories or lies that are not true. Once when she just turned three, she had a bump on her chin at her mom's house. When her mom asked her about it, she said "Daddy pushed me down the stairs." (Not true...and she wasn't even with her dad, anyhow!) She was at our house for a few days and was playing...and I noticed a fresh scrape on her hand. I asked her how she got her booboo, and she said "Mommy walks on my hands." I worry to death about her telling someone that one of us did something to her, and CPS getting called on us for her lies.
~Her mom won't admit to me that there are severe problems, but she did mention something in passing to my husband recently during a drop off/pick up. The child was wearing some bracelets, and in a completely happy, cheerful voice, made up a fantasy story about the bracelets getting very big, and going over her mommy's head...and then getting very SMALL.
~She sometimes doesn't answer when you talk to her. She just stares at you like you are speaking another language.
~She is extremely defiant. No amount of punishment, or reward, changes her behavior.
I can't take it...because I am the type who sits and stews and thinks about things. Her dad loves her no matter what...but I can't. If she hurts my cat, spits food out in a tantrum all over my kitchen table, backtalks me all day long, and breaks something of mine...I don't want to love on her 45 minutes later.
((((HUGS)))))Just know you
((((HUGS)))))Just know you aren't alone...read some of my posts. Living with a child that is completely out of control is hard.
Aww, come on -- she's just
Aww, come on -- she's just lacking parenting. Simple as that. Just like my Swins. We can't go anywhere w/them (esp. together b.c. they physically fight & argue so much ) - and this began when they were toddlers & continues to now (age 14). Never going to change b.c. parents are never going to change. Well rather - parents are never going to be parents...
Yikes-it does sound like some
Yikes-it does sound like some serious issues. I'm the most hesitant person about labelling kids -especially very young ones -with mental illness, adhd, etc etc...and normally a lot of it is lack of proper parenting...but from what you've said, I really think this goes way beyond that. Not normal at ALL! I sure hope they get her properly evaluated!!
overit-thank you. *hug* I
overit-thank you. *hug*
I normally am the type that thinks good discipline and structure can cure just about any child over time...but with this one, I just can't get anywhere. That, and the things that she does at such a young age...frankly, I just don't know what to do.
I normally don't like to label or medicate, especially at a younge age, either. This kid, however...I just feel deep in my heart that there is something *wrong* with her.
She simply doesn't feel any remorse at all for doing some of the things that she does-biting her grandmother unprovoked, telling people mean things, hurting my pets. I have to watch her 24/7 because I fear that if I don't, that she will hurt one of my kids or pets...or do something drastic like smear feces on the wall. I have also noticed that there seems to be a PATTERN to her behavior, and I discussed this with the child psych at our last visit.
There are days where her behavior is *decent* (for her) and then there are days where everything is compounded. On the days where her ADHD symptoms seem the worst (constant fidgeting, can't carry on a conversation w/you, unable to sit and eat/color, etc.) her behavior is much worse, she has more accidents in her pants, more violent outbursts, and so on.
At Christmas, we were at my dad's house, and it was present time. All of the kids were on the floor getting their gifts, and this child was standing in the middle of the room, staring at the wall. We couldn't get her attention. It just wasn't "right". No kids stares at the wall in a daze when they have a pile of unopened gifts in front of them.
It is more than just bratty behavior...it is that, compounded with a bigger problem. It is just so stressful on me, because I have her 4 days a week. It is slowly just wearing me down to nothing.
Ouch, indeed there are some
Ouch, indeed there are some severe issues there. So how are the meetings w/the child psych going? Does the dad realize there are some grave psychological/mental problems to be dealt with?
Some of the things seem sociopathic in nature almost.
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/sociopathic-tendencies-in-children.html
Has the staring thing happend
Has the staring thing happend at other times? I only ask because when I was young my mother told me I did this and it turned out I was having seizures. I of course dont remember it and I did grow out of them.... Just a thought.
Sure understand your
Sure understand your situation. My SSs were 5 & 7 when I met my husband. Same story as yours, they had not been disaplined or taught how to behave in public. Older boy would have huge tantrums in grocery stores and run around in restaurants which my husband allowed.
When I started asking him questions he then said that a friend and one of his sisters had suggested that he try to find way to disapline his children.
The longer we were married the more he realized I knew what was going on in the home and he just told me to handle things but that did not make the boys happy, they would then tell their mom and BM had this thinking that she and my husband were the only ones allowed to disapline or make decisions in my house.
She tried to enforce a bedtime in my home, she wanted them to shower X times a week. My husband had custody. She conveyed the message to the boys that I was not an authoritive figure in the home and didn't expect them to respect me.
I hope this all doesn't turn out like it did for me. SSs now are 26 & 28 and there's lots of hard feelings on both ends.
I work with children with
I work with children with disabilities and this child sounds like she has some serious mental health issues! She is not exhibiting normal behavior at all even if there is poor parenting. Is there a history of mental health issues on either side of the family? She is very blessed to have you in her life since you recognize that there is a problem. It definately sounds like she needs to be put on medication. If and when this happens your life will be better. You also need to get dh on board!
Actually, I already looked
Actually, I already looked into the Feingold diet before seeking the help of a psychiatrist and looking into the ADHD and mental health possibilties. We tried Feingold...and it had absolutely no effect. It isn't the food dyes and artificial stuff. I run a pretty healthy household...I am a dance instructor, so we eat pretty clean.
As far as her parents...my husband is very mild mannered, quiet...he is a librarian. He has numerous college degrees, speaks 3 languages...she is nothing like him. Her mother is more normal a far as temperament. Her grandmother, however, (The child's mothers mother...) is a mental case.
Age 4 is not too young. Our
Age 4 is not too young. Our son started going to the dr. at age 4 and was placed on medication. And he needed it - I don't think he would have survived his childhood without it.
Our son went through a veritable alphbet soup of diagnoses....ADHD, OCD, ODD, Tourette's......
Sounds an awful lot like Tourette's to me. Only from my experience with the problem.
You are doing the smart thing with early intervention. This is not just normal spoiled child behaviour.
Hang in there.
I too, work with people with
I too, work with people with disabilities and that was the first thing that I thought of...Autism/Aspergers. The behaviour is NOT "normal" . Yes, her diet should be checked out first, but medication can be a wonderful thing! We aren't talking about making her into a zombie. How do you think SHE feels living inside that head?
I feel for you - I know that it's very difficult to live with.
Stay on board with the assessments. Good luck! and ((Hugs))
Thank you. I know in my heart
Thank you. I know in my heart that this is not normal. I do. My mother is a nurse, and my SIL's are both teachers...and they all see it. A friend of the family works with special needs kids...and she also agrees this is not normal behavior.
My husband knows that she has issues...but her mother refuses to see it. I am just so stressed...I don't know what to do. She came over yesterday morning, and has already had two accidents since she has been here. She has already went through a bout of "not speaking/not answering" when spoken to. She just stares at you like a deer staring into headlights. She repeated the word "stuffed dragon" about 27 times in a half hour yesterday after her dad mentioned that particular toy. She has another appointment with the child psych tomorrow.