what my therapist thinks about disengaging
First before I go into this I want everyone to know that I don't agree with her one bit about this...I signed up for therapy to help me through all of the bullcrap that has been going on..I went once and it was the last time. I started by telling her the basics of what goes on in our house, with the ex wife, and BF's family and how SS is a spoiled brat and he doesn't respect me so I disengaged...she told me stepparents shouldn't disengage if they're in it for the long haul and that I'm the adult and I should just deal with all of this. DEAL WITH IT??!! Deal with being disrespected and not listened to? Deal with my daughter being mistreated? She has never been in our situations and I think she's very misinformed about blended families. She spent the hour basically persecuting me for disliking my SS and how I have to learn to deal with his attitude and his disrespect because he's just a child...and than at the end of the hour tells me I'm not a bad person...well, to be honest I sure felt like one and have always felt like one because I have never been fond of SS because of his attitude..I argued with her the whole time..telling her if she was in my situation she would probably do the same...
But on the bright side, the BM agreed to take SS on fulltime and we'll have him every other weekend. BF is too chicken to tell his family since they have had him by the balls his whole life...and I told him "I control you now!" LOL...it was a joke..:) They won't agree with it but the kid needs stability and even though his mother is not that great at least he will be at ONE home vs. back and forth every other week...and the drama and blaming will hopefully end...next year we're moving out of state so I'm hoping the distance will keep her psycho games at a minimum
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So...
How many stepchildren does she have? How long has she had them? What is her stepchildren's mother like to deal with? How helpful/supportive is her husband in dealing with step issues in their home? How many children does she have herself? What was her divorce like? Just wondering!
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
she has none!
I didn't even get to argue or question her...I am going to ask for a different therapist cause she just seemed like she sided with everyone else...believe me I WANTED to ask her those questions!
I am still disengaging
except on xmas when we got home from the inlaws...I had had it with his little "I can do whatever the hell I want" attitude and his grandma feeding him like an infant and all of a sudden he doesn't like certain foods we eat all the time here...it's getting old and I feel like sometimes I have to back up my BF because his own son doesn't respect him, EVEN though he is starting to follow through with putting his foot down...but I do still let him do his own thing with SS...cause I want no part of it..I only butt in when BF is at his wits end...
Shop around
Some people just need direction, some need clarity, some need an unbiased opinion, some people just need someone to shut up for 2 seconds just to be heard. You know what you need from a therapist, so shop around until you find one that gives you what you need.
IMO, support groups give the best advice.
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
I am :)
I wish we had some kind of support group around here like that but there is nothing here.
My counselor...
..is the best. She says she'll hold onto the reins that keep me from going completely insane. She has given me the BEST advice on how to deal with BM. Too bad you weren't here in Colorado, I'd give you her number.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
d
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You Know
you should really keep shopping. I know you said you will continue, but don't lose faith. There are good and bad therapists, you just haven't found a good one yet.
I really appreciate mine. He does defend ss, and reminds me that he is just a kid, but at the same time, I can go to him and cuss and vent all day long! He really does help me find resolution within my situation. He reminds me to always look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. Typically when I come out of meeting with him, I feel less stressed, and I know I can make it one more day with all this bs b/c in all truthfulness....it's not my ss's fault, he is a confused kid, and one day when he is skinning his knees in his own life...he will know there is at least two people in this world that don't live like his mother. He will one day read the handwriting on the wall. Until then, I just have to be patient and let bm be the slow moving train wreck she is and not try to protect ss from his mother.
This site really helps too
This site does help
Disengaging or finding this site earlier probably wouldn't have helped in my situation but it sounds like your BF is supportive and trying to work with you.
Kevin
My therapist was the same
My therapist was the same way.. always telling me how I was wrong for how I was feeling.. Ummmm.. hello.. those are MY feelings.. how can they be wrong??? If I feel like my house is invaded.. and that I am being pushed out to not belong.. that IS how I feel.. I needed her to tell me HOW to deal w/those feelings.. not tell me I was wrong to feel them.
I cancelled my appt.. and never rebooked. I figured.. after the arguing I did w/her in that appt, she should KNOW why I wasnt coming back. She has 2 sons.. and she never quite said if she was divorced or not.. but I wouldnt want her as my skids bm either.
Low Contact or No Contact
My partner and I struggle with a personality disordered ex who lives to create chaos. Though, with Skids in the mix (for each of us) complete no-contact isn't possible. However, going low-contact has proven helpful.
Check out our story at http://www.thepsychoexwife.com
We've found specific help groups that give us advice and helpful assistance with personality disordered individuals and boy, to discover that we are not alone was both enlightening and scary all at once. So many people going through so much hell.
~LM
In order to disengage
you need to be engaged in the first place. I have kept my sanity by not engaging (always kindly) in the first place. My husband actually likes this and so does the SS. I am like the kindly aunt that pops her head in once or twice while he is here. There is no fighting, no aruging, no questions (other than how was your week?); only smiles. Of course he is only here for 1.5 days every other weekend so it works.
I expect no chores, no nothing! His father cooks, cleans & entertains him at ALL TIMES.
What MY SD's therapist said about my disengaging...
Although I used the term "stepping back." It's more accurate for me as we have full custody and I cannot completely disengage.
But my SD's psychologist said, "You have been doing 90 percent of the parenting, which is not your responsibility. It's time for you to step back and BM and your H to step up."
So that's what I've been doing. It's stressful b/c my H is even more irritated with SD acting like her self-entitled mom than I am since he lived with BM for so many years of it. But...I think SD may be getting the message. Everytime she asks me to do something, if her dad's here I say, "Go ask your dad." She knows he's more likely to say no, and that they get into really bad arguments b/c she'll then talk back to him. So... she's starting to show me more respect and trying to show affection to me again, Initially I used to peel her off of me b/c she was so starved for affection, but now she acts like I'm a ridiculous idiot she is forced to relate to daily. That seems to be stopping. Of course I fear it's because I don't like being around her so I have been tending to tell her yes to going away to a friends all day every day just like BM does.
But I think you need to keep searching for a good therapist. I found one for myself I saw a few times during the custody battle so I wouldn't take up time with SD's shrink. That one was a SM too and that made all the difference. I found her through a (unfortunately now non-existent) SP support group locally.
I really think every community needs one of those.
Peace, love, and red wine