Need some advice re: clothing
Hi all. I havent posted on here yet but have been using the site a resource for a few months now. I just need to vent/maybe get some advice. I have a 3 y.o. SD who's BM is absolutley horrible and uncooperative with EVERYTHING. Our latest issue is with clothing. We have clothes that we have purchased for the SD at our house and the BM has the same. When the SD comes over, we immediately put the BM's clothes in a bag and return them the next day. To make a long story short, we never get our clothes back. And now the BM has gone so far as to claim that she bought ALL the clothes (yes, we have the receipts). We have been told by law enforcement on several occasions that this is not theft, even though she has out right refused to give the clothes back to us. We have sent multiple emails, as well as a certified letter requesting they be returned. I guess my question is, is there anything we can do about this or are we just screwed?
I forgot to add that its
I forgot to add that its gotten to the point where we have no clothes left for her and the BM doesnt send clothes with, so we have to wash what she has on and send her back to school the next day wearing the same thing she had on the day before, which is really crappy IMHO. And then the BM will send an email calling us every name in the book for doing that, when we have no choice.
Yes, instead of putting her
Yes, instead of putting her clothes from BM in a bag and returning them the next day, put them back on the girl to return her to BM and don't send your clothes there.
That's what I wanted to do,
That's what I wanted to do, but the DH doesnt want to send her to daycare in the same clothes the next day. Which makes sense because I feel bad for the kid. Any advice on how to get our clothes back or should we just consider them gone? I am at a loss here.
wait.. you return her to
wait.. you return her to school the next day and then she goes home to BMs? What is the custody agreement? My husband's x did this too because she didn't want to pack a bag. However, the kids were only with us every other weekend, and CS is supposed to pay for clothing for the kids so we refused to buy any. So... if the kids didn't have the requisite clothing, we returned them to her that night at her job. She didn't like that AT ALL.. so she started packing right.
Consider them gone after
Consider them gone after trying all of the above and I agree, it may not be the best thing but do wash and send her back in what she came with. The kids at that age hardly notice those things.
We have her every Monday,
We have her every Monday, every Wednesday, and every other Friday, Saturday, and half of Sunday. On the weekends we dont have her she is dropped off at 6pm on Sunday. So for example, we will have her today. The BM dropped her off at daycare this morning and we will pick her up tonight. Then we will take her to day care in the morning and the BM will pick her up.
on the nights she comes to
on the nights she comes to you just put her in tights/pjs whatever and put her back in the same clothes she came in. on the weekends she is with you then change her into your bits but send her back in BMS clothes
consider what you have bought so far ancient history and a fairly inexpensive mistake to have learned from.
Thanks all for the replies.
Thanks all for the replies. You have verified what I thought should be done. I guess I just wanted other opinions to make sure that what we plan to do is our only real option.
We have this problem with a
We have this problem with a little twist. BM buys the most inappropriate clothes for SD6. During winter, she is buying her very thin legging capris and short sleeved shirts. I put them away when SD6 comes to our house so she doesn't wear them again while it is 10 degrees outside. We have SD6 during the week so she wears appropriate clothes to school (except Mondays when BM dresses her) while at our house. I do make sure that the laundry is not done on friday so that the newer clothes do not leave our house because we NEVER GET THEM BACK! I will send her with jeans or cords on friday to school but expect to not see them again. I realize that they are SD6s clothes but I bought them and I am sick and tired of spending a fortune on weather and school appropriate clothes AND shoes that do not get returned.
I hear you there. We have
I hear you there. We have the same issues with weather inappropriate clothing.
So, if we are going to be sending her back in the same clothes everytime we have her, do we send the BM an email explaining why this is happening (for future court purposes to show how uncooperative she is) or do we just do it?
Document, document, document!
Document, document, document! I'd tell her. So what if she has a hissy. Cover your asses!
Yeah that's what I was
Yeah that's what I was thinking. We have been making a paper trail for months with multiple polic reports for breaking the placement, harrassment, etc.
Buy a few 'return' outfits
Buy a few 'return' outfits from Goodwill or yard sales, and return her to mom in those. And keep the clothes she comes to you in. She's too little to care where her clothes come from right now anyway.
We had the exact same
We had the exact same problem. Eventually (after asking a bajillion times for our clothes back and bm telling us they were lost) we just never sent another single item from our house over there again. I had one outfit at our house that belonged to bm, so when the time rolled around, i put kiddo in bm's outfit and sent him on over. He came back in a different outfit of bm's and the next time he went to her house, thats what he wore. Eventually DH got irate and told bm that either she gives us the clothes or she gives us their monetary value, so we got most of our clothes back and there hasnt been an issue with it since. I just send him back in whatever he comes home in, which i immediately change him out of and throw in a box in the corner of his closet when he gets home, 1 so it wont get dirty(er), 2 so it wont get lost and 3 because well its all cheap crap. thing that gets me is that kiddo lives with us, bm pays no support and so basically not only was she not supporting him but we were actually loosing about $30 worth of clothes and $20 worth of gas money to her every month. Ridiculous. Best to just eliminate the problem.
Oh, ps this was a huge pet
Oh, ps this was a huge pet peeve of mine, if you couldnt tell lol
We never send SD back in
We never send SD back in clothes we have purchased for her. I guess it's easy for us to do it that way, because SD spends the first half of the month with mom and then the second half of the month with dad. I take the clothes her mother sent her in off immediately, wash them, iron them, and place them on the top shelf of her closet folded. I send her back in exactly what she came in. Everything down to the pair of underwear and socks. I figure BM will want her stuff back, and it makes more sense to just put the clothes on her rather than try to send them separately in a bag.
even though we buy shoes for
even though we buy shoes for our house and an identical pair for bms house she keeps coming in too small shoes so we have to send her back in our. the always come back filthy and then we cant really go anywhere while they dry so i had dh send her an email saying that we were not going to be sending sd3 in back in the shoes and she needs to bring a pair for her when we meet up. well she just kept asking why and then didnt bring any so i stuck to it as much as it hurt and just send her in socks. we find out 2days later from mil that sd3 called our babysitter(calls her nanny) and says she needs shoes cuz mommy(me) kept them in the car. well our babysitter goes out and buys her new shoes even though we told her the situation. next pick up bm sends sd in ballet type slippers, no socks and its 38 degrees outside
We have clothes and send them
We have clothes and send them back in bm's clothes. We don't really worry about underwear or socks though
God do I remember those days!
God do I remember those days! SD is 18 now but we went through this for years.When she got older-around 7 maybe- she just packed a bag to come over.Not ideal because the child is supposed to feel like they are home but what can you do. My SD told me when she was around 6 that Mommy said we were stealing her socks and underwear for my then 2 year old! I was like -uh no Idont think so-time for "Mommy" to pack a bag if shes so concerned!
Bm used to send SD over in a coat that was thin and too small on her. Come to find out she had a beautiful long,down-filled exoensive every day coat at BM's.And these women love their children more than life itself? LOL She just wanted us to buy a new coat-which we did and left it at our house.The baby games...
We have this same problem
We have this same problem except for the fact that she buys him NOTHING whatsoever. So we have to be able to rely on him to bring things to and from BM & BD's houses. Her house eats everything and its the same old "I don't have that" routine. We have especially noticed that things like toques and cell phone chargers and ipods and things that have multipurpose, that she might fancy for herself NEVER return. So we stopped sending things there and returned him to her home in only one set of clothing, not an entire bag that could be easily eaten and therefore he started bringing back more than he left with. As for the electronics and accessories they are not to leave the house, and if they do something else of his is held at ransom until said missing item is returned. If the charger is gone (which we have had to replace 5 times due to her hungry home) then the cell phone which is dead is held until he brings the charger that we pay for home to charge the phone that we also pay for. If he wants new clothes to wear, a phone to use, ipod to listen to etc he now will make sure that it comes to the house it originated from and that they are NEVER on loan to his BM.
I know your little one is too young to be able to do things for herself quite yet so I do like the idea of having a big bag of cheapy's from Value Village, or Sally Ann or what have you that you can send back to her place instead of spending money so that she can look like a good provider.
we have the same problem. in
we have the same problem. in the begining(dh babysitter)would send bm clean clothes back in a bag with food, diapers, water and soymilk.(dh told her to stop because we found out that sd(then 19-24mo) wasn't getting the stuff she sent). she never came back with our clothes. eventually we just would send her back in the clothes she came. she almost habitually sends her in clothes inappropriate for the weather, too small, too skanky for a baby. so we have clthes set aside that we don't mind to lose for those days. one time we had to take her back without being able to to go home first and sd was wearing an outfit that belonged to dh's sis(she keeps clothes at her house for sd) so he sent a text asking that we please get this outfit back. she responded 'what ur prob. it no like i cn wear it'. the next time we picked her up she sent back like 25 of our outfits, all outgrown. but she has never ever sent back a pair of socks