Need some advice on DH who is critical of my three daughters ... stay or go?
I don't know what to do! Please tell me if I'm crazy? First, about us: I've been married to DH for 3 years. I have 3 bio daughters - twin 13 year olds and one 9 year old and a 9 year old stepson. My girls live full-time with us except for every other weekend with the ex. We have my SS every other weekend, fall and spring break, long weekends, 1 week at Christmas and most of the summer. All of our kids are really pretty great and get along, even my SS, and we always comment on how easy they are and how lucky we are.
From the beginning, it was important to my DH to be a united front with discipline, having the kids call us mom and dad if they wanted, sticking to early bedtimes even though I have a more relaxed style, etc. He had a SD with his Ex and felt like it was the opposite - them against him all the time - and wanted things to be different with us. I noticed early on that he seemed overly critical of my girls at mealtime (don't chew with your mouth open, wipe your mouth, hey don't do that, etc.) and it just felt awkward to everyone at the table. I know it hurts my DDs feelings every time and when I've spoken to DH about it, he doesn't think it's a real problem - he's just being a normal parent.
The problem is is that to my girls, it feels so hurtful coming from him. He's not very affectionate but is really great at so many other Dad things with them. I know most of the time they love having him for a stepdad (they do fun crafts, play games, etc.) and even mention how grateful they are for our new family in our nightly prayers. But in the times that they get emotional, which is pretty rare, they will be crying telling me they miss their real dad and that DH is mean and that he treat's them differently when I'm not home (way more strict, not nice, etc.) He says he doesn't know what they're talking about, that he doesn't treat them any differently than he treats my SS, which may be true, but still it's to the point where I've heard this from my DDs several times now over the years.
Last weekend we were all playing a board game together the night before my daughters were leaving on a week long cruise with my ex (ugh!) and I was SO looking forward to having them leave on a happy note, when everything hit the fan! My DH got way too competitive and was insisting that it was only fair that he be able to continue his turn, even though the next person was starting their turn, because he forgot to add some players on his last turn. The kids and I disagreed with him, and I was trying to subtly give him the look of "please don't do this" because one of my twins was already struggling because she had been losing all night (and hormonal because of that fun time of the month) and she knew that if he continued his turn he would take her out of the game. He continued insisting he thought he was right, even though we were all saying we didn't agree, and when he said "well I'm just going to do it because it's the fair thing to do" my DD got up from the table, burst into tears and ran to the bathroom where I followed her to try to console her. Understand that this is, by far, the most outward drama we've ever had in this family and so it felt like the earth was crashing down on all of us. I spent the next two hours consoling all four of my kids upstairs who were all crying at once. My DDs kept crying telling me he was mean and too strict and that the apology he tried to give was lame (which it was - he just sat on the couch and played on his iPad, probably felt really stupid.) Something my DD13 said really struck me though, she said she doesn't think he treats me well. I don't know if she was referring to him being mean during the game, or her noticing that he's not very affectionate with me, or something deeper she has noticed. When I spoke with him later, he said he had no clue they were all so upset, thought his game play was justified, etc.
I told him what they said and how they said he's mean to them, that they feel like they're never perfect enough and that they don't think he treats me well. He seemed shocked and hurt - especially the part about me. But then I reminded him that they're not stupid, and it probably bothers them just as much as it bothers me, that he has been dragging his feet for two years on getting paperwork done that is required for he and I to be sealed together in our faith's temple (we are Mormon, and it is a ceremony in our religion that we believe seals us together for eternity.) I had my paperwork completed two years ago, and he still hasn't finished his. When I ask him about it, he says it has nothing to do with his love for me, just has procrastinated because it's painful, a drag, and he wants to be a full tithe payer before he goes back to the temple (which he says he's working on.) I don't question his love for me or loyalty to me, or his genuine love of our family at all - but I don't think my heart can take seeing my daughters cry like that and feel like they're not comfortable to be themselves in their own home?
I'm setting up an appointment with a family therapist tomorrow, but is this something he can change, or is this serious enough to remove my girls from this situation now? At least when I was a single mom, my girls always had unconditional love within their home and didn't have to walk on eggshells. I just can't imagine how awful it would be to feel like I lived with a mean stepdad? But I also know that they've benefited so much from having him and my SS in their lives (we would have probably move, change schools, etc. since I couldn't afford our current home on my own, and that would be horrible too!) I can't even bare the thought of not being with DH, but I'd give it all up in a heartbeat if I knew living with him was truly causing my DDs to be so unhappy. What do I do?
Maybe your girls are seeing
Maybe your girls are seeing something you don't. Perhaps you're being emotionally abused, and you don't see it because you have love blinders on. My sister, to whom I'm VERY close, just ended a marriage with a man who was emotionally abusing her, with implied threats of physical violence. She let it all out to me one day, before she told anyone, and then finally had enough and was able to divorce is now moving on. During that time period, I received a distressing text from one of my nieces..she didn't know that I knew what I knew...she was scared because my ex BIL and sister were fighting and she said that none of the kids liked him and that he was mean to my sister and said mean things and broke her stuff, etc...point is, at 14, my youngest niece recognized that there was something going on between her mom and her stepdad that she did not like, and she reached out to someone she trusted. Your girls are coming straight to you. Listen to them. Your kids are hurting from your husband's treatment of them, and they are seeing something they don't like about how he treats you. Put away the Temple Sealing paperwork, sweetie. Sounds like this guy is bad news for you and your girls. Sorry.
It's called emotional abuse.
It's called emotional abuse. You should protect your children's emotional well being or they will become punching bags for some ahole when they grow up.
This situation is so wrong and sad for your girls.
As a bio-mom and a stepmom,
As a bio-mom and a stepmom, I'm going to be all over the place with this reply because I see all the sides to this. Please bear with me.
First of all I don't think you are crazy whatsoever. I think you are a mom who is very close with her children and they are very accustomed to mom's way of running the household. If their bio-day is more relaxed in his parenting as well, than that is what they've learned to be their normal. In walks stepdad with his own thoughts of how a family is run, with his own personality and perhaps less diplomatic parenting style, and the girls are bound to get their feelings hurt. What might seem okay coming from you or bio-dad, may seem harsh and horrible coming from Stepdad, whether that was his intention or not.
My DH traveled extensively while our daughters were growing up. That combined with my lack of parenting skills, I was very relaxed on things like bedtimes etc. Often TOO relaxed and behaving like a buddy instead of a parent. I was lonely without DH around and it was just me and the girls for years, no other family around. When DH was home there was often some resentment on their part, because dad was more strict. Not abusive strict, but when he corrected the behaviors that I had overlooked, the girls would feel like he was wrong and get upset. In actuality, I was wrong for not working harder to show a united front with my husband, even taking their sides at times which was wrong. Especially since they were both of our bio children, having a united front should have been much more natural to us. When it came to my SD, I stepped back and let him parent her, it just worked best for me.
NOW, If there ever is actual abuse going on, then the "united front" business needs to flys out the window, and the child protected from the parent who is abusing them. That includes the stepchild as well. Adults need to protect children in harm period.
Now back to your dilemma with your current husband. From what I could glean by what you explained about your DH interactions, with your girls, I can't really say its what I'D consider abuse or even verbal abuse. There may be more to the story that I'm not understanding, but wanting the kids to have a consistent bedtime, earlier then what the girls would prefer, doesn't seem abusive. It may however FEEL that way to the girls, and cause them distress that IS real. Can you explain to him that it needs to be you who explains to them the earlier bedtime, since you were the one who established their earlier habits.
BTW, I'm basing my opinion that I'm not seeing a horribly abusive situation by this statement you made;
"Understand that this is, by far, the most outward drama we've ever had in this family and so it felt like the earth was crashing down on all of us."
The others thing you mentioned like correcting their tables manners, (as long as he isn't screaming at them and calling them names, ) while it may be awkward and uncomfortable, I don't necessarily see it as abusive. However, since it does hurts your DD's feelings to the extent it has, you may have to have another heart to heart conversation with him and explain that the girls are feeling attacked and maybe even shamed by his words. It may have to come to a point where you have to insist that you alone will "parent" your daughters, and he can parent his son. Its not a punishment, its just very common among blended families. It doesn't mean you allow your kids to violate his boundaries either though.
The statement you made that "he wanted the kids to call you both mom and dad" may not be in the cards and not as common as he may think. They have a dad already, that is still a part of their lives, and may have no interest in calling him dad. It's not a insult to him it's just the way it is.
You said in his other marriage he felt like a outsider, and wanted it to be different this time. Unfortunately that may not be the case this time either if this is not worked out now. Every time you go and comfort you daughters against something "mean old" stepdad said or did, it is going to seem to him, like you are taking their sides against him. Even if it's not true he will feel that and things will only get worse. It's important that you also listen to what your DH's side is, and not automatically assume he is in the wrong. For you two to have a united front in the matters concerning your children, you two need to have a plan in place already that clearly defines for each of you, what's expectable regarding how the children will be spoken to and disciplined.
You may even have to come to a agreement that for the most part, you will parent your girls and he will parent his son. That system has worked for many stepfamilies and in fact, has saved many families that otherwise would be heading to divorce court.
It wouldn't hurt for all of you to get some counseling as a family, where everyone can come clean about what they are really feeling. Maybe your DH really believes that his way is the only right way and a outsider can call him out on that, if needed. Some people really are just clueless about how their behavior affects others.
Could it be that some of your husbands reasons for dragging his feet on the temple sealing preparation may have to do with the doubts he may be harboring around whether this union is going to last?
And hey, if he is really just a jerk to your daughters, without any plans to change, or see his part in it all, than perhaps it's better to find out now, before the temple sealing ceremony.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you better news. These things are hard.
I really wish you luck and keep us updated!
My situation is a bit like
My situation is a bit like yours, but reversed. My DH has 3 kids, I only have 1. His are 13, 7, and 6. Mine is 15. My BD15 is independent, well-behaved/mannered, responsible, and has good hygiene. I raised her strictly, with a lot of structure, routine, rules, etc.. My DH and the BM took care of the skids' basic needs and that's it as far as I can tell. Their table manners are atrocious. Bad enough, that I occasionally feel ill while eating at the table with them and end up throwing away my dinner and leaving the table. I have said plenty of things to them recently regarding their manners because it's gross and annoying. They have been told enough times by their dad to stop eating with their hands, chew with their moth closed, don't talk with their mouth full, don't spit food out on to their plate, but continue to be disgusting so at that point I have had enough. I work hard to live in a nice home and have nice dinners, I'm done standing by and having this ruined for me, so I say something. I don't care if they think I'm wicked stepmother.
It is also very overwhelming to have that many kids in my house who aren't mine, but affect every second of my life. It, at times, has made me feel like I have no control or no say in my own home. That I'm supposed to just sit around and ignore the chaos because I married a man with 3 kids. Consider that your DH may be feeling similar. Are you too easy on your kids? Are they running the house? Is he really a jerk or just fed up? I think the game board situation was extreme on his part, however, not knowing the whole situation I can't say if his reaction is just part of his personality or if he is angry for some other reason. Like maybe your daughters get their way far too often. I'm not suggesting that they are in the wrong and Dh is right. I'm simply bringing to the light the possibility that your DH is feeling overwhelmed by your home environment and feeling out of control.
Counseling is the best idea, most definitely for the two of you to find some common ground in blending your families. I think the kids should be included as well. Good luck!