Need help and advice with my aching loneliness in this relationship
I will try to make this brief. About 18 months ago, my daughter (now 19) and I moved in with my boyfriend. We had been renting our own house and gave that up to move into his house. I am 50, my boyfriend is 47. He has two boys, ages 13 and 10 who are with us every other weekend and Mondays and Wednesdays after school until 8:30 P.M. Their mother has primary physical custody. We are both divorced. I have been divorced 18 years, he has been divorced 3 ½ years. My daughter is away at college in Massachusetts and only comes home for Thanksgiving, winter break, spring break and summer. My problem is that when I moved in I thought we would have the “normal” living arrangement, i.e., kids in their own rooms, adults sharing the master bedroom and we would be partners in everything, such as finances and all decisions related to our life together. Right after I moved in, after I had already given up my lease, my boyfriend told me I would have to live in another room in the house until his kids were adjusted to the new living arrangement. I could not put my clothes in his closet or my makeup in his bathroom---I had my own bathroom on the other side of the hall which I would be sharing with my daughter whenever she was home. His kids sleep in the room with him. The 10 year old sleeps in the bed with him while the 13 year old sleeps on a mattress on the floor. I was assured that this would only be temporary until the kids were adjusted. Although I was unhappy with the situation, I went along with it because he said it would be temporary. The kids definitely have problems. The 10 year old wets the bed and the 13 year old has no friends and has a stuttering problem. Here we are 18 months later and the situation has not changed. When I bring it up he says he doesn’t want his boys sharing the bathroom with my daughter and that everything will happen in time. I have come to feel intense resentment towards him. This is compounded by the fact that we have grown increasingly distant from each other in the last 6 months because he has work stress and is still trying to finish the addition on the house that he’s been working on for the past 13 years (that’s another long story). I have told him that I am lonely all the time and that we are leading two separate lives and his response to that is “You shouldn’t be lonely.” I would like to move out but I have developed a strong relationship with the 10 year old and I know that our leaving would hurt him, but, of course, that is secondary to my own well-being and that of my daughter. It is also not necessarily economically feasible right now for me to move out. I have just returned to school to obtain Municipal Clerk certification and am only able to pay for it because I am paying him a relatively low rent---if I moved I would have to pay higher rent plus utilities, etc. and wouldn’t be able to afford school for myself and my daughter’s college tuition. I would appreciate any advice you can give me---at this point I have also considered having an affair to relieve my loneliness but I know that is not the answer.
You want to leave, and I
You want to leave, and I don't blame you. If you are looking for validation that your feelings are normal and that this situation is wrong, you've got it sister!! That living situation is bizarre, at best. It seems that economics are your main reason for staying. It's very common for us women to give up our lease, and our power, to live with a man. However, this situation is worse than most. I can promise you that if you leave, you will get over your bond with the ten year old and the father, and move on to have a better life.
Because you are going to school and paying low rent, I believe you would be better off renting a room in a house with someone who is not your boyfriend. Being single is MUCH less lonely than being in a relationship with a man who makes you feel lonely. The reason is because we have expectations of being close to someone, and when they aren't allowing that, but we're waiting for it, it compounds the lonliness a million times. Being single might be lonely, and breaking up might be extremely painful, but this situation to drag on will wear on your heart and soul.
I strongly recommend leaving this situation. Your man obviously does not listen to you, validate your feelings, or give you any hope that this situation will resolve. It's quite weird for a man to want to sleep with his kids when they have their own rooms and to make his lady sleep in another room. And then he has this weirdness about not sharing a bathroom with your daughter? Truly, that is bizarre.
You are right that having an affair is not the answer. However, the fact that you thought about it is very telling in how absolutely miserable you feel. Don't deny your feelings, stuff them, or try to rationalize yourself out of them. Your feelings are there for a reason... to warn you of danger, to protect you from getting deeper into a situation that is detrimantal to you.
Believe me that economically, you can find a way if you try really hard. Look on craigslist for rooms to rent. Talk to friends who have extra rooms and see if they would take X amount of dollars for you. If your daughter shares a room with you when she visits, so be it. At least you will be living your life on your terms. It's wrong to expect you to live life on someone else's terms, in your own home where you're supposed to feel safe, cherished, and peaceful.
If you're worried about what to say to him when you leave, and I know I run scenerios through my head on these things and panic, this is a good way to go about it:
"I understand that you have a system going on here with you and your kids and that works for you. However, this relationship is not turning out to be what I expected and I'm very unhappy here. I've tried to talk to you but I can see that you and I have different views of things which cannot be resolved. It's up to me to make sure that I am happy, and I have come to a decision that I should not live here any longer. I'll be moving out on ____. I still care about you and wish you all the best of things in life, but for my own happiness, I need to move on."
Something like that.
I hope this helps. Keep us posted!!
So do you stay in his room
So do you stay in his room when the skids are not there or do you always stay in your room? This is definately a bizzarro situation to say the least... is he just using you to pay him rent?? Is there any physical relationship at all?