Need advice as how to move on after breakup due to stepkids and MiL
Hi,
I have spent some hours on this forum during the last year.
It has been a relief and also very sad to read that I have not been the only one who has experienced harassment from stepkids due to living with a Disney-dad.
I tried every trick mentioned in the book to please everyones need in a family that consisted of my kid, his kids, our two kids and daily interference from his ex-wife from hell, my ex-husband from hell, and the mother in law from hell plus getting over the loss of loosing a baby in 2012.
I chipped in extra money, I arranged for family trips, I cleaned the house, I made sure everyone had their own cosy bedroom, favourites for dinner and extra time with their dad in the weekends and in vacations to make sure they never should feel felt left out or that I had taken their Disney-dad.
Dinner was on the table every day, I tried to talk to them, greet them, treat them with respect and to understand that it probably was hard for them to adjust to having at step-mom, breakfast was served in the mornings and I never once tried to take their moms place, etc etc.
In return I got 4 years of abuse and harassment. Daily.
One of my stepkids have ADHD, and such a violent behaviour that his school decided to keep him separated from his classmates most of the days he attends school. (He is 10 now). The other one, his sister (13), has such a behaviour that the biological parents had to get guidance from PMTO. Not that it resulted in any change on her part, nor the biological parents. She still kicks her mom, and latest was that Disney-dad kicked her out of his new premises and sent her to her mom who was out and came home drunk sometime in the night.
I decided I had had enough in february, and we split up.
By that time my oldest kid (14) had moved to my ex-husband from hell, and blamed me for not beeing a good mother. I know I am a good mother, but I can see that I should have ended the relationship sooner and that I never should have had three kids in three years. (The youngest one is one year now.)
So, here I am: with a mortgage big enugh to buy a country in the 3rd world, bitter on life and hating more or less everyone mentioned above and most of all hating myself from letting myself end up in such a shitty place and loosing my oldest kid in the process.
And this is why I am posting this, to ask for advice as to how to get the energy to prove to the world that:
a) am a not a wicked person
b) and that I WILL indeed turn my life in a great direction and have a happy life. (My oldest kid has started coming around lately, now that his Step-Disney dad and stepbrother and step-sister is out of the picture, but it is a long way to go there, since my ex-husband from hell is completely nuts and is telling lies about me - He (ex-husband) has been in therapy and is violent.)
I simply want to show this pathetic little village I live in that yes, the bitch is back and yes - she is not what the rumour says she is.
I want to shut the mouth on my ex-mother in law who told me straight to my face that I am shit and that I will have a shitty life. (And who has told lies about me to her friends and to Disney-dad, and is still tellng lies about me.)
How do you guys out there get the energy to be strong, firm, positive and not feel strangeled by the thought of another 15 years ahead in dealing with a new weekend-dad? (I had a bad breakup with my ex-husband from hell and spent years in court getting full custody, and I have been looking forward to finally beeing free from all that, and the thought of going trough 15 new years now with the father of my youngest kids is really depressing...)
I have made a little list of things to achieve, and I have managed to keep the house, finish my master, get a great job, find a nice kindergarden for the youngest kids and to make ends meet.
But I really, really need some advice as to how I can stay positive, constructive and simply move on. I need to get my act together to be a good mom for my youngest kids (have full custody, Disney-dad was not really interrested in having them too much, but ex-mother in law is kicking up behind the scene so he wants to have them more now. )
And also, - how do you guys manage to move on from wanting revenge and just let it all go? Right now I am so full of bitterness, hate and resentment towards everyone.
I want to go back to the person I was 4 years ago, happy, bubbly and full of life and love and energy.
Right now the loneliness is killing me, and I feel that beeing 41 one and having two small kids on my hands by myself is more than I can deal with.
Anyone?
And yes, I know this might seem like I am winching over nothing, and I guess you are right. But right now I need that kick in the butt to make me see that life will be better, and this and that is what I have to do to be able to deal with things as they are right now to create that life I want for myself and for my kids for the future.
Or maybe she realized that
Or maybe she realized that you don't get a badge of honor for sacrificing your self to please other people. When you realize that your own needs (and your children's needs) are just as important, if not MORE important, than romantic ideas of "family", you will make your exit from any abusive environment.
Advice to OP:
Learn to identify and clearly state your own needs, protect your own children at all costs, and don't ever sacrifice your self-respect expecting love in return. Good luck.
Going thru the breakup of a
Going thru the breakup of a marriage is so difficult. I would like to give you a great big hug. You sound so strong. I know it's hard to find that strong right now but it's still there and it will come back. I found a book that has helped me get thru my marriage breakup. It's "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing". I'm about midway thru the book and it has helped.
I know you have such hopes that everything will work when you first get into these situations which makes it that much worse when it falls apart and your ex MIL sounds horrid. You give and give and it doesn't get noticed or appreciated. That's why they call it StepHell!
I'm glad to hear that your oldest is coming around again. Obviously he misses him Mom.
You've got alot on your plate but it sounds like you are putting your life back together and that you are a good Mom. The loneliness can be overwhelming sometimes but you have to be there for you.
Not sure any of this has helped.
Please keep us updated how you are doing.
The first thing you do is
The first thing you do is focus on you instead of them.
I ended my relationship last Friday. I spent last Monday and Tuesday sitting in court trying to get an order of protection. Other than the legal stuff, I'm not wasting time on him and his. I'm sure he has told a million and one lies about why I ended it. Hell, he may be saying he left on his own. I honestly don't care what he says or what others think. I love myself more than I will ever love any man.
Focus on what is best for you and your children and don't waste time worrying about him ane his family. Surround yourself with family and friends who not only love and support you, but who will be honest with you as well.
It's funny that a mother would say don't marry someone kids.
Disneyfan.....I didn't
Disneyfan.....I didn't realize this had happened to you.
Please take care.
Living well is the best
Living well is the best revenge. When the toxic X's step out of line then you have fun destroying them. No bitterness just positive action to improve your life and eliminate their bullshit.
XMIL is a non issue. She gets only her son's time if he chooses to give it to her. She gets no extra time.
Own their idiot asses and enjoy your life. That will piss them off to no end and will be the best thing for your children.
Living well is the best
Living well is the best revenge.
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Agree 1000%. To the OP: you can't become a better person unless you put yourself first right now. You have to be selfish and take care of yourself.
I am so sorry. That is great
I am so sorry. That is great you got your master degree! Look in the mirror...repeat this...I AM WOMAN, HER ME ROAR! Love yourself! As women, we are nesters. It seems like the harder we try, we are overlooked. You did all you could...do not hate yourself for that. HUGS AND PRAYERS!
BM had my two SS within a
BM had my two SS within a year. I really think that is why she went crazy. That and she was only 20. Cray cray.
Please get into counseling.
Please get into counseling. It sounds like you may be suffering from PPD as well as low self-esteem (looking for approval from assholes is a sign).
I'm assuming your ex-DDH (disney dad husband) will be paying support. I recommend looking into selling the house, though you may have to wait until the spring. You also may want to consider a move to get away from the drama and the trauma.
Most of all, you've learned a valuable lesson about being a step-parent. Skids will never learn to treat a SP with any kind of respect, unless your partner treats you with respect and supports you 100% of the time.
I wish you all the best.
I read your comments today,
I read your comments today, and I will print them out and post them on my fridge! I had a nasty encounter yesterday with my ex-MIL, and sank to such a low level of behaviour that I let it slip that I know that her daughter has been seeing a psychologist this spring due to problems with my ex-Mil... Later yesterday Disney-dad told me that I have to show up at a meeting down at the family counsellor since he wants to have the kids more than he does today. Totally out of the question of course.
I ended up insisting that I will not show up unless ex-MIL shows up as well so that the two of us can sort matters out and let bygones be bygones.
And today I yelled down the phone to him telling him that I will sell the house and move to my family on the other side of the country unless he starts including me in the plans he makes for the kids when he really does not have them. At one point I was ready to go up into the attic where he still (!) keeps some of his belongings such as pictures of my step-kids and my ex-MIL and his first wife and literally rip them apart...
Then I took a moment, sort of stepped out of myself and realised what I actually was thinking about doing and read all your comments.
Reading them really gave me a sort of hope that there eventually might come a time when I will shake my head and praise myself that I had the stamina to move on and look around me and be happy again.
It was a huge wake up call to myself as to how full of hate I am at the moment, and you are right : I must learn to love myself. And if I could I would sell that big expensive house. But I can`t, now now - I have to wait until I no longer have to deal with the father of my eldest child. 1-2 years. And moving to another part of the country does not solve the problem of Disney-dad seeing the youngest kids. If I move and make it impossible for him to see them I can be held accountable for denying access and loose the youngest... But I will take your advice, and love myself and force myself to get out and about to kill that feeling of beeing trapped since I can`t move closer to my family.
And yes, in due time I will see a counsellor, but I can`t do that right now - as in my country going into therapy is seen as a sign of not beeing able to cope with things and the next thing you know is that Disney-dad is claiming the kids. (This is a small place, everyone knows what you do.)
And yes, 3 kids in a row is too much. If I had known I would have chosen otherwise, but I so much wanted that last kid after losing the second. I don`t think I could have coped with life if I was left only to mourn the one I lost.
And yes, I will by no means engage in a relationship with another man for a very long time, and if there ever is to enter one over my doorstep he is to be without kids or they have to be grown up with kids of their own and to live in other parts of the country.
As for ex-MIL - I shall never utter another word to that woman, and I think the best thing is that I do not insist that she and I try to meet at the family counsellor (that woman will never want to move on anyway) and for Disney-dad: communication is to be kept to a minimum and I shall not say a bad word about him in front of the youngest. I hope he finds a girlfriend real soon, so that she can be the focalpoint of ex-MIL and ex-stepkids hate.
As I write this I think that I might be able to go down to the family counsellors office and just say no to Disney-dads wishes for more time with the kids.And I will try not to be so pissed off as I am since he has started posting lots of pictures of the youngest ones on facebook. It only shows how stupid he is.
I`ll try to take a long break and just get that moron out of my system. It`ll be hard, since the breakup really wasn`t just because of to my ex-stepkids and my ex-MIL, but mostly because of his unability to take a stand and to choose me and the youngest. I think that feeling of not beeing important enugh in his life really is what is creating all that hatred and bitterness in me. And that will take time to leave behind. But I will get there. In time. I`ll take one moment at a time, and for all I know there may still be something or someone nice waiting around the corner...
Once again -thank you all for taking the time to give me some advice, I really really needed them and I am so very grateful!
Lots of love and all the best to all of you who are stiking it out with those dreadful step-kids and MILs and BMs and BDs. You have my heartfelt sympathy!