My stepson is driving me crazy
Hi,
I've been going out with my boyfriend for the past year and a half. I'm 47 and he's 49 with a 13 year old kid who I cannot stand. For starters, I must say I don't have any kids of my own, nature decided otherwise so dealing with a boy who's a pre-teenager is new to me.
I came in to this relationship knowing I had to accept his bagage and his family and I was willing to give it my best shot but I'm having the hardest of time with his kid. I basically cannot stand him.
We don't live together and he has his kid every other week. I usually spend the weekend at his place which means that I see his kid twice a month for 2 days each.
First off, his son suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder. He cracks EVERY joints of his body ALL THE TIME and it's driving me nuts. I told his dad that he should be seen by a doctor but nothing is done. He doesn't wash himself unless being told. Doesn't brush his hair so it's always tangled and messy. Doesn't brush his teeth so he has bad breath all the time but the worst is his attitude towards women in general. He thinks all women are stupid whores. He's arrogant all the time, extremely jugemental towars everyone (the entire world is populated by idiots) and talks bad about me to his dad or makes detrimental jokes about me, reffering to me in the third person, as if I'm not there in the room like a coward who won't say things to my face.
I've talked to his dad about it all but he doesn't do much about it. Basically, there is no consequences to his actions. Just a pep talk and we're all good. The kid will stop doing the bad mouthing but it starts all over again after a while. He says his kid is in between, not a kid but not yet a teenager and he's trying to find his place so we need to be patient with him but, I'm not a doormat and I refuse to be treated this way.
I'm getting really tired of repeating myself to his dad. He believes time out and consequences is not the way to raise a kid. Just talking like adults. So, the kid keeps doing it cause his dad is basically soft and the kid knows there won't be any consequences.
When it's just his dad and me, we have fun and spend great weekends together. We really get along very well and love each other a lot. As soon as the son steps in the house, this lovely atmosphere goes to shreds.
I've tried to shut up, be patient, not say a thing and smile as if all of this doesn't affect me but I feel I'm just bottling everything inside. I tried to be nice to him, I tried to do stuff with him and for a while he's ok but then it all starts all over again.
I honestly feel he's just jealous of me. I'm the first serious relationship his dad has had since his divorce. I sincerelly believe he sees me as a competition to his dad's love and attention hence the attitude. I've caught him hugging his dad and looking at me as if to say: He's MY dad and you're not welcome here.
I'm starting to think I should get out of this relationship but I love my boyfriend so much. It would really break my heart to leave cause me and him get along so well...
Help !!!!
I feel the same way about my
I feel the same way about my OSS and there is also no consequences for his manipulative horrible a**! You don't have a skid problem you have a boyfriend problem. You can either deal with it or leave. Sorry I really don't have any advice.
You see the writing on the wall
BF is a very bad parent to his DS. He not getting his DS the help he needs. Most likely some medication. He is letting his DS disrespect you. He doe nothing about it. Where is BM in this, She isn't any better.
Do you see this kid ever launching to live on his own.? Do you think this kid will ever hold a real job. ? Do you think this kid will move in with his father when BM gets feed up. Remember FSS is only one BM accident away to be there 24/7
If all you want is to play EOWD with BF. Then it's ok. If you want a relationship with BF it's not going to happen because SS will always come first. You will get tired of being disrecepted. You will get tired of him not having a backbone.
NEXT!
NEXT!
Time to move on...this will not get better and will likely get worse.
Unless you are ok with casual dating forever - which, isn't a bad thing - just not for everyone. If you are ok with the casual dating thing, then just do not go to visit your bf when his son is there and for the love of everything you hold dear, never move in with him.
I promise you LOVE is not
I promise you LOVE is not going to be enough to help you endure living with your SO and his son. Imagine marrying this man and having to experience disrespect, crossing boundaries and shitty parenting from your SO on a constant basis. You think it's bad now, wait until you marry and live with him/SS. Also take into account should something happen to BM you can have this unruly teenager full-time....
Your 47 years old, Im assuming your independent and got your own thing going. Why jeopardize that by being with a man that can't parent and manage his child?
You can do bad all by yourself.
'He says his kid is in
'He says his kid is in between, not a kid but not yet a teenager and he's trying to find his place so we need to be patient with him'
Children are not born with manners or knowing right from wrong. They have to be taught. Making detrimental jokes about you and talking about you in the third person is downright rude and disrespectful and at 13, he will know this full well. He is seeing how far he can push it before anybody actually comes down on him like a ton of bricks and issues a sharp punishment. "Being patient" will not correct this problem.
Oh, hell no. Next.
Oh, hell no. Next.
I would not spend one more
I would not spend one more weekend over there, myself - if you are okay with your relationship not progressing to living together/marriage, then just don't be around when the kid is around - otherwise, cut this one loose.
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your answers, they mean a great deal to me. I guess it's time to move on......
Came to the right place
Many of us wish we had seen the red flags, and gotten some solid advice, back before they had kids with the person, or got married to the person...
So, good that you recognized this early on and can do something about it, while the relationship is still in the "dating phase".
When the kid talks badly
When the kid talks badly about you and makes jokes about you and his father allows it, he's essentially condoning it. He'd rather get along with his ill-behaved son than get along with you.
My DH and his late teen/early 20s son "bonded" over making fun of people, especially women. I spoke with DH about it several times, told him it wasn't funny to me, and they were both childish. No changes until one time they started up and I just left the house. Told DH I was going to find some grownup company who respected me. Never happened again.
Keep in mind that he created
Keep in mind that he created this kid. Is someone who is failing that miserably as a parent the person you want to spend your life with?
I believe the mother allows
I believe the mother allows it as much as the father. She has weight problems and from what I've heard, she puts down any skinny women (also calls them whores), most likely because she's jealous. I found that appalling that a women would put down another women. We're supposed to stick together thru thick and thin, no matter what.
Once, he said that a women who wears a short skirt is a prostitute in the waiting. He's 13 for crying out loud !! I told him that men who talk that way are usually cowards who feel inferior towards women and have small penises the size of peanuts. He went all red in the face. His father didn't say a thing. Nothing. He just looked at his plate and continued eating. I thought 'It's not my role to raise this kid'.
If it would be my kid, there would be time out: no xbox, no cellphone, no laptop. Take away all form of distractions, go to your room and meditate about respect for a couple of days. You do it again? Next time, time out will be even longer.
I know the dad really cares a great deal about me. He has voiced it many times. I can see the honesty in his eyes. It's just a shame that this love cannot bloom because of this little brat. Anyway, I will talk to him about it. I will let him know I can't go on like this.
Again, thank you for your help. I see things more clearly now. Your comments have been a GREAT help !!! Much love !!
Time to move on from this toxic relationship
It sounds like you have told him your feelings. Perhaps as a last effort, Ask him if he sees that he is harming his child by not parenting. Be honest and tell him that this is a toxic environment and that OCD or perhaps ODD is no excuse for verbal abuse, negativity towards women and health damaging personal hygiene. This will not improve without strong involvement by the father so unless he is worth fighting hard for then I strongly suggest moving on to a more healthy relationship.
Smh
There is a reason why historically these types of behaviors were rare compared to their current prevalence.
Consequences were significantly more frequent and more unpleasant.
Time to go back to the future.