My needs aren't being met
Backstory- no biokids, ss14, sds 10 and 12. Biomom owes kids about 15 grand.
I have posted on here before about a sd stealing my makeup. I am not smart enough to figure out how to sign in with that account, so I started a new one. I read posts on here to verify that step parenting is right up there with having you soul ripped out and it isn't "just me".
The biomom hasn't kept up with support in years and for some reason, last month had some revelation and sent $400, this after 4 years of fighting tooth and nail. She sent an email asking for forgiveness...she also sent the same email to her kids, letting them know it was sent to their dad.
The kids are at her house( my husband has primary custody) for the weekend. My husband gets a call from her, stating her husband is going to "cut him off", because sd12 told him that we make her work for everything she gets and her husband wants an accounting of how we spend CS. Sd12 told stepdad and mom that she had to work to earn the new addias shoes and pants she wore, when in reality her grand ma and aunt gave her the money for those as a birthday gift. Husband bought her a Puma backpack she wanted.
I admit, I jumped into the conversation, when my rule has been to not let the mom have access to me. Big mistake, I know.
I told the mom that sd12 has some esteem issues, no friends, spends all her time on the internet seeking things that will make her life something because she feels no self worth. Sd12 also spends days writing out lists of things to purchase and what her dream life should look like. For instance, "2 story house with 5 bedrooms, bay window in my room with a day bed. Mom's husband- good looking, with a good job.A puppy and mom will have a baby and I will babysit." This I found written in a notebook left on the kitchen table.
I told mom that sd12 believes she should be hauled around in a land rover (she asked me if I would want one) and live in the most expensive area possible(goes on the internet to look at houses for sale in areas where the 1% live). Side note- I am a flipping social worker, this is not my value set, nor in the realm of possibility...but she is 12 and doesn't get that, I know. It triggers me, though, because I work with clients who live on $700 in social security..it really pisses me off to see such shallowness and A lack of gratitude. I think it also triggers me because I know what it is like as a kid to open an empty refrigerator or have the lights cut off. We were poor and my goal is to never open an empty refrigerator again as long as I live.
I said there is a difference in shoes and addias shoes. Leggings and addias leggings. That sd12 gets things, doesn't even wear them because they aren't good enough and asks for more. She hides clothes to say she needs more clothes, cries because she needs clothes when there are things with tags in her closet. sd12 gets $40 from us and $40 from mom, but chooses to spend it on Starbucks and dollar bin crap at Target, so it is her problem that she spends her money in a flash and can't gather enough to buy every addias thing ever made..it is never ending. I told mom that I go to work every day ( mom? Nope) and I am offended that it isn't good enough for baby girl.
By the end of the conversation mom had made up her mind to throw more money at sd12. So she gets to create a bigger monster and we get to live with it.
To say I was furious by the end of the call is an understatement. My poor neighbors, had to hear my wrath (I am from the south, we emote, sue me...).
My husband feels that sd12 lied about his ability to meet her needs to her step dad...Big no no...I can understand how ego crushing that is for a man to have his daughter tell her step dad lies about her own dad. She uses people to get what she wants.
I told my husband that it seems she values things over her relationship with him, me, her mom and step dad. I also said, and I mean it after this and the makeup stealing incident, that I can't live with her if this continues. That maybe her needs will be better met at her mom's and she can make that choice today, but soon she won't have a choice if she keeps this up..
After the dust settled, my husband and I decided sd12 can't blame us for not "meeting her needs" when she spends her money like she does. She is given $80 in opportunity every month and she squanderes it, that she needs to save if she wants brand name stuff all the time. Her wants will not always be met here, but her needs are. We also decided to limit the exposure to the internet and get her into counseling. She needs help.
To be honest, I am hurt, feel judged and ruled by a 12 year old, feel that the biomom and step dad spend far too much time telling me how it is going to go in my home. I told my husband that I did not sign up for this constant discord.
I stay away from sd12 as much as possible, small talk is the extent of our conversation because I can't stand the discord anymore. I just try to do my best to disengage from her. It is sad really. She has no clue how many times I have thought of doing things for her, but decided I can't because there is an expectation of respect attached to the act.I don't think it is too much to ask that someone treat you with respect both when they do something for you and they ask you to take care of your responsibilities. It doesn't work that way with her, so I changed the only thing I can...My actions.
So what I need here. Someone please tell me if I am missing something here. You know when you don't have a measuring stick to compare something to you question how to deal with something. I cannot, nor can my husband, imagine as kids, telling our parents that they weren't meeting our needs. The level of disrespect is beyond anything I would imagine.
That said, I don't think it is an entitlement issue as much as a self worth issue. I am mad at her actions, but I think she is misguided. I know for sure the answer is not throwing more money at her and I know if that happens we are headed for disaster.
Clarification- I did not yell
Clarification- I did not yell while on the phone with biomom, but after husband hung up, boy did I.
The more money her mother
The more money her mother gives her - the less she gets at your house.
"Ignore the whore" - SM mantra. (No it does not mean that BM or SD are whores - it just rhymes and it catchy).
Pay NO ATTENTION to the materialistic sh*t coming out of the 12 year old's mouth. She can want and lust after material goods the rest of her life. Just make sure that you are not providing them to her.
Pay NO ATTENTION to the sh*t that BM spews either.
You owe nothing to either one of them except to keep the child fed, clothed, and sheltered (by your standards not theirs). You do not have to justify ANYTHING to them.
I just hope your DH is on board here and doesn't fall prey to "keeping up with BM".
That conversation has been
That conversation has been had with her.She knows very well what our values are in regard to materialistic standards. She knows it is not our value set or that we live at that level. Honestly I don't think she cares and doesn't get that when she wins her siblings lose. If she gets they don't...if she gets we live under a bridge. But hey, she can just move to mom's.
She does value her grades, but I see that as a way to appear that she has something on others in her classes. I say this because of past remarks she has made about her sister's abilities in school and comments she made in class last year regarding her peers, and her feelings about group work, etc in school. Funny thing is,her brother has nonverbal autism, but he isn't a threat to her where her sister and peers are.
Her mother asked to DH last night, " so ysd isn't doing well in school?" That had to come from osd, because it didn't come from anywhere else. Mom them proceeded to justify giving ods more money because she does well in school. ((((Bangs head on table)))). Well, how will ysd feel about that?
Osd is very motivated by money and things, ysd is motivated by social interaction. Osd is intellectually intelligent, ysd is emotionally intelligent. Neither is better-They are just 2 different people. You can't reward grades like that because it tells the ysd that her value isn't worth paying for.
My husband and I are on the same page. I will admit I worry that she will twist the story and not be held accountable for how she spends her money and time, or for the fact that she is trying to put our house against her mom's house.
Kids in these shared custody
Kids in these shared custody situations perfect the art form of playing one parent off the other. When you were a child did you ever get a no from your mom then run to your dad to see if you could get a yes? It's common child behavior but in the case of shared custody kids the parents have lost the ability to harmonize with each other so the game gets way out of control and the child really comes out the conquering monster.
Sounds like this is what your sd is up to. So it's kind of natural but your dh has to be extra diligent in not falling for it. BM, I assume, is hopeless so I won't mention her.
I would also say $80 a month allowance for a 12 year old is way, way too much imho. She SHOULD be working for whatever extra special things she wants via chores or whatever or at least saving her allowance. That is what allowance is for -- to teach kids how to handle and save money!!
Also, BM's dh is way out of line. Courts long ago established CS is to be spent at the discretion of the custodial parent. For better or for worse, that's the way it is. So ignore the jerk. He will probably make a career of saying annoying things for the rest of your lives. Tune him out pronto!
$80 is a lot of money for a
$80 is a lot of money for a 12 yo.
Yeah, that is what I figured
Yeah, that is what I figured is the pitting one house against the other, especially because there is a huge lack of communication between both. Years of messed up stuff, there. But I won't write the novel.
Good to know that about the CS...as if he would get a ledger of our spending habits, anyway. This isn't the first time he has tried to stick his business in where our money goes. He is a grade A ass.
I told my husband we did fine all these years without her paying her support, and we will keep on either way.
Sd12 messed up this time, seriously, and I think both biomom and DH see what she is about. Up to them to hold her accountable for it, but I won't allow this to go on in our house much longer. She is at strike 2. I can let small pettiness go, but when it comes to stealing my things, pitting people against her dad, and lying about the care she receives here I won't put up with it. Maybe her mom can straighten her out at her house, because she won't last here much longer on this path.
She's older now, send her to
She's older now, send her to her mother and wash your hands
pffft leave SD12 to live in
pffft leave SD12 to live in her dream world where money grows on trees and brand cloths are a must....
Why stress about it, my poor poor Aergia lives in this world, I give a shit, I know the reality and soon this poor Aergia of mine will get a rude wake up call. I will be the one sitting in the corner laughing...
See these girls watch trash like kardashians on tv, and they want that, they have no clue they have to work for it, but soon they will realize that they live in a dream world, and if they never do - I hope they find rich husbands lol..
Your SD is playing both her bio parents, stand back and let them all just crash, There's nothing you can do for SD not manipulating every one. I use to do allot for Aergia and every time I heard her bullshit to gain sympathy from some one, I did less... Aergia complained she has no cloths blablabla, i stopped buying, SO never did cause CO stipulates BM are responsible for clothing instead of paying CS... Aergia once cried about clothing with her Gran parents and I simply replied, Aergia you read the divorce settlement, thus you should take this up with your mother... we are not responsible for it.... That was the end of snot complaining in our ears, SO did buy her cloths but she never liked it cause it was not brand names...