Backstory- no biokids, ss14, sds 10 and 12. Biomom owes kids about 15 grand.

I have posted on here before about a sd stealing my makeup. I am not smart enough to figure out how to sign in with that account, so I started a new one. I read posts on here to verify that step parenting is right up there with having you soul ripped out and it isn't "just me".

The biomom hasn't kept up with support in years and for some reason, last month had some revelation and sent $400, this after 4 years of fighting tooth and nail. She sent an email asking for forgiveness...she also sent the same email to her kids, letting them know it was sent to their dad.

The kids are at her house( my husband has primary custody) for the weekend. My husband gets a call from her, stating her husband is going to "cut him off", because sd12 told him that we make her work for everything she gets and her husband wants an accounting of how we spend CS. Sd12 told stepdad and mom that she had to work to earn the new addias shoes and pants she wore, when in reality her grand ma and aunt gave her the money for those as a birthday gift. Husband bought her a Puma backpack she wanted.

I admit, I jumped into the conversation, when my rule has been to not let the mom have access to me. Big mistake, I know.

I told the mom that sd12 has some esteem issues, no friends, spends all her time on the internet seeking things that will make her life something because she feels no self worth. Sd12 also spends days writing out lists of things to purchase and what her dream life should look like. For instance, "2 story house with 5 bedrooms, bay window in my room with a day bed. Mom's husband- good looking, with a good job.A puppy and mom will have a baby and I will babysit." This I found written in a notebook left on the kitchen table.

I told mom that sd12 believes she should be hauled around in a land rover (she asked me if I would want one) and live in the most expensive area possible(goes on the internet to look at houses for sale in areas where the 1% live). Side note- I am a flipping social worker, this is not my value set, nor in the realm of possibility...but she is 12 and doesn't get that, I know. It triggers me, though, because I work with clients who live on $700 in social security..it really pisses me off to see such shallowness and A lack of gratitude. I think it also triggers me because I know what it is like as a kid to open an empty refrigerator or have the lights cut off. We were poor and my goal is to never open an empty refrigerator again as long as I live.

I said there is a difference in shoes and addias shoes. Leggings and addias leggings. That sd12 gets things, doesn't even wear them because they aren't good enough and asks for more. She hides clothes to say she needs more clothes, cries because she needs clothes when there are things with tags in her closet. sd12 gets $40 from us and $40 from mom, but chooses to spend it on Starbucks and dollar bin crap at Target, so it is her problem that she spends her money in a flash and can't gather enough to buy every addias thing ever made..it is never ending. I told mom that I go to work every day ( mom? Nope) and I am offended that it isn't good enough for baby girl.

By the end of the conversation mom had made up her mind to throw more money at sd12. So she gets to create a bigger monster and we get to live with it.

To say I was furious by the end of the call is an understatement. My poor neighbors, had to hear my wrath (I am from the south, we emote, sue me...).

My husband feels that sd12 lied about his ability to meet her needs to her step dad...Big no no...I can understand how ego crushing that is for a man to have his daughter tell her step dad lies about her own dad. She uses people to get what she wants.

I told my husband that it seems she values things over her relationship with him, me, her mom and step dad. I also said, and I mean it after this and the makeup stealing incident, that I can't live with her if this continues. That maybe her needs will be better met at her mom's and she can make that choice today, but soon she won't have a choice if she keeps this up..

After the dust settled, my husband and I decided sd12 can't blame us for not "meeting her needs" when she spends her money like she does. She is given $80 in opportunity every month and she squanderes it, that she needs to save if she wants brand name stuff all the time. Her wants will not always be met here, but her needs are. We also decided to limit the exposure to the internet and get her into counseling. She needs help.

To be honest, I am hurt, feel judged and ruled by a 12 year old, feel that the biomom and step dad spend far too much time telling me how it is going to go in my home. I told my husband that I did not sign up for this constant discord.

I stay away from sd12 as much as possible, small talk is the extent of our conversation because I can't stand the discord anymore. I just try to do my best to disengage from her. It is sad really. She has no clue how many times I have thought of doing things for her, but decided I can't because there is an expectation of respect attached to the act.I don't think it is too much to ask that someone treat you with respect both when they do something for you and they ask you to take care of your responsibilities. It doesn't work that way with her, so I changed the only thing I can...My actions.

So what I need here. Someone please tell me if I am missing something here. You know when you don't have a measuring stick to compare something to you question how to deal with something. I cannot, nor can my husband, imagine as kids, telling our parents that they weren't meeting our needs. The level of disrespect is beyond anything I would imagine.

That said, I don't think it is an entitlement issue as much as a self worth issue. I am mad at her actions, but I think she is misguided. I know for sure the answer is not throwing more money at her and I know if that happens we are headed for disaster.