Happy pregnancy vs. BM
Where do I begin… My husband and I have decided to have a baby. We have been trying for almost a year. He has a 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We told her over her last visit that we wanted a baby. SD12 said she'd be upset but it would be "kind of cool." Well we are now three months pregnant and very excited. SD12 doesn't live with us; she lives with her mom back in the United States (we are stationed in Europe). BM now has a boyfriend in a different state. BM spends all her time talking to him on the phone or internet after she gets off work, ignoring SD12, on weekends BM dumps SD12 at her crazy grandma's house so BM can go see the boyfriend. This is the same crazy grandma that BM had a restraining order against last year. The boyfriend that my BM has started dating has two felonies for beating his ex wife and children, there is a no contact order against him from his ex wife, he's not allowed within 1000 feet of the kids or ex wife, he has no valid drivers license, he isn't even divorced yet and lives in a camper trailer on the back of his truck even though he says he makes over $160k a year. I could go on and on about the boyfriend, but I won't. BM is now engaged to this guy and they are trying for a baby too. I have yet to figure out why it's okay for BM to have a baby and not us.
Well after telling SD12 that we were pregnant she called her BM and was upset, as we expected. BM then calls us and says "how dare you tell her without telling me first. She's upset because of the stupid thing you two have done." I would have actually considered telling BM if she was actually ever home with SD12, and not in another state with the boyfriend. BM had enough nerve to call us from the boyfriend's house and yell at us. Now BM wants us to call her to talk to her about it. My thoughts are that it's none of her business.
We have invited my SD12 to come live with us and be apart of the pregnancy, including going to the doctors appointments, and Lamaze class and even setting up the nursery. If SD12 felt comfortable enough, she could even be in the delivery room with us too; up by my head of course and as long as everything in the southern region is covered, SD12 doesn't need to be traumatized. My husband is sick of dealing with his ex and I don't blame him. So he has given me permission to call and talk to BM about our pregnancy. Now I have many choice things I would like to say, but I would really like to put it in a way that would kindly tell her to mind her own business, and perhaps start paying attention to her own daughter a little bit… Any suggestions?
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Yeah - don't. Then she will
Yeah - don't. Then she will feel like she can call and throw a bitch fit and you come to her terms. My Motto - My House - My Life - Get over it. Your decesion to have a child will have no affect on that BB and its none of her business. Don't give her an audience. If you offer to let SD be there do so in writing. (Proff of your concern if you have to go to court)
Congrats - enjoy it, she's just pissed because before that was something she had with you DH that you didn't and now you have that too.
DON'T DO IT!
Your pregnancy is your business, not BM's. You don't owe her an explanation, you don't have to answer her questions, you don't have to make yourself her target. Forget her. Concentrate on YOUR family... you, your baby, your DH and your SD. Do not engage her, period. Not over your pregnancy or for any other reason. The only person who HAS TO communicate anything with this woman is your DH, not you. She is HIS problem, not yours. You don't need to deal with her, especially while trying to enjoy your pregnancy.
I think it's wonderful the way you want to include your SD and being that you and she will now share a "blood tie" through your baby, it can be a real bonding experience for the two of you. I know I felt so much closesr to my skids when I got pregnant with their little sister. Talk to your SD and help her find a comfort level with this pregnancy, but don't even think about talking to her mother. There is really no point. She will think what she wants to think and do what she wants to do no matter what you say to her. Don't put yourself through that. Ignore her and have a happy pregnancy!
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
WOW.. "this stupid thing
WOW.. "this stupid thing you two have done" Ummmmmmm... How is a married couple that planned a pregnancy doing a stupid thing?
I dont know that you should talk to her.. as she sounds like a real piece of work... but IF you do.. I would suggest if what you two have done is a stupid thing... then what does that make her for trying to get pregnant w/ex felon who beat his wives AND children? Then hang up. Let her know who the real dumb dumb is.. because it is not you two!
congratulations!!! We have been trying for a year now.. and have had 2 miscarriages.. but are trying yet again. I dont even want to think about what I have in store from the smonsters and their BM.
Ummm... Its not her business
Ummm... Its not her business at all. You should not have to confide in her. This is not her place nor do you need her approval. The only reason why you told your SD i am assuming so that she can feel included. Why SD is upset I am not sure. I do not think you need to explain anything to the BM. This is you and your husband glorious time why do you need to include her for? I would basically tell her its none of her business what decisions you make and that this pregnancy does not and will not involve her. I just dont get it why BM feels the need to get involved in your personal decisions.
"Just because you can give birth, doesn't mean you should"
none of her beez wax
you do not owe the EX anything ..
this is your family and she is not part of it. (the ex I mean)
you did the right thing by talking to your SD so go tell BM to get bent!!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
I'm in a similar position
I'm five months pregnant. We told SD11 first. We gave her the option of telling her mom or we would tell her. She wanted to tell her mom. Three days later, she didn't tell her mom, so we told her in person. Her mom took it okay. Didn't throw a hissy fit about not telling her first or anything, why does it matter anyways? It's a control issue.
The only reason why she needs to know is becuase her daughter is goin to have a half-sibling and her daughter may have questions.
Then, why do you need to talk to her about the pregnancy? Does she need to know EVERYTHING? She had her glory, this is yours...you do NOT NEED TO SHARE IT. Sometimes I tell DH that BM had the luxury of having a kid without the bother of a BM and SD to deal with....I'd love that luxury too...but it just isn't happening.
That's nice you're goin to include SD in these childbirth classes. We're not. This is OUR child, OUR TIME...that kid will have her time and place...but just not with us. She can enjoy decorating the nursery, shopping for clothes....I'm still up in the air about having the baby shower on a visitation weekend..but who knows.
BM has asked me general questions about my pregnancy, morning sickness, how do I feel, etc...but no full fledged conversation. Maybe BM is hoping to bond with you as a mother now...who knows..but just give generic answers. You don't need to discuss you and your husband's pregnancy with HER....she sure as hell didn't discuss hers with you or anyone else!!! Be strong!
OMG.. have your baby
OMG.. have your baby showers on weekends that are NOT visitation weekends.. it should be about you and your baby..
When I was engaged... I made sure to tell my bridesmaids and mom that under NO circumstances was it to be a visitation weekend.. that I wanted to ENJOY the party in my honor and not have to police an unruly sd.
If and when I get pregnant, my mom will be under the same strict orders.. not that she needs telling, she doesnt want to have to deal w/her either..
Esp, because my sd9 pouts when someone ELSE is getting gifts and she is NOT.
S-kid at baby shower...
I don't think I agree about the shower thing. I think it would be great to have s-daughter there. I am pregnant too, and I know some of you have read about the serious issues we're having with SD.
Thing is, I don't think of this as "MY baby" or that the baby has nothing to do with SD. THe baby is going to be a brother or sister of SD!!! THat's significant!