My DH shared something with SD's that I asked him not to, am I overreacting?
My personal life as a SM has been an open book with having 2 SD's in and out of our home every other week the last 15 years. It's sucked and I know many of you can relate. Anything that is said or done gets reported back to BM, good or bad. Nothing is EVER private. Of course we never heard anything from them on BM's household. Last August YSD18 finally stopped coming for visitation and started living full time with BM. Halleluja!
Six months ago we purchased a lot to build a small vacation home on a lake. I flat out told my DH that I did not want SD's knowing right now. We are finally at a place in our life that we can do things without BM and her entire family knowing every move we make since the two little reporters are no longer in our house. Every time something doesn't go BM's way or SD's way my DH is getting a text and I'm just really sick of all of them.
So I saw a text on my DH's phone last evening between him and SD22 that said "we'll plan a trip down to the lake when we get the boat house finished in a few weeks".
I was FURIOUS. Him and I have had this conversation repeatedly that I did not want them knowing anything yet. When I confronted him he told me that they've known for a while. Which tells me when I've asked him if he's told them he's lied to me over the last few months. Obviously they are going to find out eventually but the less they and BM know now the better.
I know this situation sounds minor but truly I feel betrayed and disrespected. I have lived in the first family home all these years and it's SUCKED. So to finally have something that is just mine and DH's feels wonderful and to have the "enemies" know anything about what we are doing feels very intrusive. Yes, I know they would find out eventually but my DH has known how strong my feelings are about this situation and he betrayed me in my opinion. If he wanted to tell them I feel like he should have sat down and discussed it with me first. Or maybe I'm being unreasonable.......
I can totally relate
When all 3 skids do the same pas manipulative tactic of cutting off all contact and hubby knows his 2 daughters are reporters for bio mum, they respect no boundaries or the privacy of our marriage/relationship, hubby will go out of his way to be disney dad and share things.
so far he hasn’t shared intimate things of me our our marriage for example. They know things like me studying at university and hubby wanting to retire in my country but other than that i refuse to participate or go to any family events they will be at due to the severe disrespect.
They can shun their dad all they want and Everytime they do this they only alienate my kids (their half siblings) from wanting a relationship with these 3 pathetic failure to launch leeches. Since they can’t respect my and my kids boundaries and share everything like where we went, what we did, what we talked about, pics of us etc, what we’re like etc i choose to not be around them.
My sils know when i am not at family events with my 2 toddlers but sd’s or all 3 skids are there that the reason is their pathetic behaviour is unbearable and untolerable...
its hard for men like this to snap out of this behaviour... they need to be the cool fun one in the hopes their kids will be their friends instead of being disciplined parents parenting their kids and setting up strict boundaries
You say "we" bought this place
Did you two buy it with the understanding that YOU had to approve guests? You say you said you did not want him to tell them. Did he agree, or does it have to be your way?
If he agreed
If he agreed to keep it just between the two of you and then told them about it behind your back then he betrayed you. If he stayed silent and let you think that there was an agreement to keep it between you then he betrayed you. Only if he was honest and told you that he could not keep it just between the two of you for now did he not betray you. I have no understanding why some men can not have marital relationships separate from their children. But if he felt that he could not, he should have been honest about it.
Exactly this.
Exactly this.
I think it's huge to keep
I think it's huge to keep such a secret from your kids, and not fair for you to ask him to do it. They aren't "enemies", they are his children. You may hate them, but he might want to share the lake house that is partly his with his children.
He should have told you upfront that he wasn't keeping it secret though.
Omg she didn't ask him to
Omg she didn't ask him to "keep a secret." She said very clearly she didnt want them to "know about it yet." They just bought the land. The house isn't even built. I would be worried about young adults trying to throw parties on the lot and messing with the site. But who cares WHY she wanted to wait. Building a house is like gestating a baby. Anything and everything can go wrong before the final phase. There is nothing wrong with wanting to wait to unveil the property when it's finished.
OK, sorry for the semantics
OK, sorry for the semantics of "secret", but why does she get to make the unilateral decision that his kids won't be told about it? Obviously, he didn't agree with that. He should have put on his big boy pants and told her that, but he didn't, and that's where he went wrong.
It's his house, too. And sorry, calling his kids "enemies" is over the top.
Did you see that "enemies"
Did you see that "enemies" was put in quotation marks? I'm fairly certain that means OP is aware of how that is a bit of exaggeration, or she would have left them out. And I bet you $1 those SDs have made this SM feel like the enemy for 15 years, so I'm not going to get my panties in a wad over that comment.
That's fine - I'd not stay in
That's fine - I'd not stay in a situation where I thought my spouse's kids were my "enemies", even in quotation marks, but everyone has to make their own choices.
Maybe she meant that BM and
Maybe she meant that BM and her family were the “enemies” not skids? It’s not clear.
Why do you think his kids need to be treated as equals?
When it comes to adult dynamics of a MARRIAGE and things that are discused, bought, and planned by husband and wife? It’s really none of the kid’s fucking business just because they are family. Being his children doesn’t make his business their business by default nor does it guarantee them an unlimited pass to barge in on business and information his wife doesn’t feel they’re welcomed to. Some of you need to get real and get over the idea that a new wife should center her every emotion and action around the feelings of her husband’s leftover family.
Agree. Kids aren't equals,
Agree. Kids aren't equals, they don't need to know everything that's agreed upon between the spouses. So what if the kids don't know right away that their father & SM bought a property? Why does that matter, they'll be told eventually. OP wanted a bit of privacy, which we're all entitled to. Them being his daughters doesn't put them above her, they can feaking wait to find out as it has absolutely nothing to do with them. It's not their home, not their money, absolutely none of their business.
Deceiving your spouse is never ok. If he wanted to tell his kids he should have put his big boy pants on & told his wife what his intentions were. He failed to do that. His kids would have been fine to wait to learn about this property so his WIFE could have the little bit of privacy that HIS children have been depriving her of for the past 15 years. Seriously. Being someone's child doesn't entitle you to know all the ins & outs of your parents lives. Thinking they need to be let in on every single thing that happens, right when it happens is ridiculous.
Is it okay because it's just
Is it okay because it's just a piece of property? Would it still be okay if it was direct financial info? Or medical info? Where is the line drawn on what topic is acceptable for a spouse to mislead the other?
That some posters decided to skip over OPs statements re: sharing later (as in not in the early stages, not right now), that they have remained in the prior martial home (there are implications here, kids) or that her husband has chosen to repeatedly lie to her face on the subject in order to thump the narrative of a controlling evil stepmother is nonsense.
OP shared concerns with her husband re: the project itself, when and how to share the existence never mind status. Her husband either chose to mislead her as though he agreed or couldn't be bothered to share his feelings and opinions on the subject when he had a change of heart. THAT is OPs problem. And it's not a minor one.
It's not a problem that she wanted to have some accomplishment between them for a short time, that she wanted some level of privacy if only temporary. Don't try to make that the issue here. The issue is that her husband betrayed her and tossed her wishes aside for the attention of the kids had with another woman.
Doesn't matter what the subject was. He broke an agreement with his spouse and then continued to lie about it. Because sharing his (excitement, pride, whatever) with his kids was more important than honoring and protecting the feelings of his wife.
She's got every right to be upset and angry with him. Whether anyone else thinks her request was absurd, misplaced, controlling or otherwise deserving of his repeated mishandling of the situation is irrelevant.
Fact of the matter is that her husband agreed, either directly or implied, to her request. Then he knowingly breached that agreement and lied to her face about it multiple times. If anyone is okay with that happening in their marriage, more power to you. Don't paint OP with the crazy brush for not being okay with it.
It's not irrelevant, she
It's not irrelevant, she asked our opinion.
I agree that he should not lie to her, but I believe she was unreasonable to make this request.
She chose to live in the marital home, why is that even part of the discussion?
This is not a black and white thing - it's not that he's wrong and she's right. I think she was wrong for asking him to keep it secret, and he was wrong for not telling her upfront that he wouldn't do so.
It's not just "his news" to
It's not just "his news" to share. It doesn't matter if you and he thought it was a "wrong" request.
And it's not just her news to
And it's not just her news to NOT share. And it does matter if HE thought it was an unfair request, though it certainly doesn't matter if I do.
I'm sorry if others see everything as black and white - woman right/man wrong, but I just don't see it that way.
I do believe lying is black
I do believe lying is black and white. Lying = bad. No excuses. It's a pretty important value to me. I do know others have a much looser relationship with the truth, however.
I agree that lying is wrong.
I agree that lying is wrong. I just also think what OP did was unreasonable. Two wrongs don't make a right.
It is not wrong to make a
It is not wrong to make a request of your spouse, even "unreasonable" ones. The time to decide if it was reasonable or not was when she asked, not weeks later and after he'd already agreed to it, but decided secretly to ignore it. One wrong doesn't make two.
It's not a matter of the
It's not a matter of the request itself, it's how it was handled.
OP discussed with her husband x, y, z. He either actually confirmed or implied agreement. Then did what he felt was appropriate without further conversation, compounded it by hiding it from his wife and pretended all was okay until she discovered on her own what the actual truth was.
You've already said that you don't agree with his handling of the situation, that he should have told her.
Being upset by her husband's decision to repeatedly actively deceive her is unreasonable because she should not have made the request in the first place? That seems to be what you're saying.
We will have to agree to
We will have to agree to disagree here. When a spouse is intentionally, repeatedly deceptive I don't see the subject matter as relevant - only that the spouse seems to believe that is an appropriate way to treat their spouse.
That is a problem, whether the subject is seemingly minutia or of great importance. If it is minor why the deception? Incompatible values, I suppose.
Yes, if he's repeatedly
Yes, if he's repeatedly deceptive, that's a huge problem. I don't know enough about her situation to say that he is. I'm responding to one blog post asking if she's overreacting to one situation.
And I agree that he should not have deceived her, he should have told her upfront.
But since she asked our opinion, I gave it. My opinion if he's repeatedly deceptive is to ask why the hell she's investing in lake property with a man who lies to her?
I am the OP
This is why sometimes I hate to puy myself out on this site. Good grief people. Do not take me literally when I say "enemies", my gosh. It was put into quotations for a reason.
All of this bickering back and forth I think I will just sit here at my desk and work through it in my head.
There is a long history with my SD's and BM but at this point, it doesn't matter and I don't have the energy to explain.
Thanks anyway. I truly don't have the energy for all of these assumptions of me or the situation. Goodness.
I think you're both right.
I think you're both right.
He thinks this is not important to keep from his kids -- after all, it's supposed to be a happy thing, right? And they're going to find out anyway, right?
You, obviously, have had enough of living with the gossip mill, and who can blame you? You want this one little thing you've saved for many years to get to be judgement-free as long as possible!!!
Maybe he'd take your request more seriously if he really understands what's behind it.
Are you sure he understands why this bothers you and not just that it bothers you? On the surface, your complaint is petty, so make him see the nitty gritty of the situation that's really bothering you -- living in this shadow of this first family and always feeling judged by the kids or the BM. You can tell him you accept that on some level, you will always live with his ex right there, but that doesn't mean it's always easy. Be sure you say how awesome his kids are, of course!, but also say that it's natural for his kids to judge you against their mum, his ex, and that living that way feels like you're always competing and it feels tiresome and overwhelmingly intrusive at times. Tell him you feel like your life is not always your own because you live with his kids and his kids also live with his ex!
The bottom line your husband needs to understand is that there's a lot of pressure for you AND his ex in this setup, and if he keeps firm boundaries, even when they seem petty to him, it will help keep all of you on more even keel. How can he not want that?
So yea, he betrayed you, but I doubt he understands why it rises to "betrayal" in your mind. Help him see why he should respect these things that seem little to him, but are actually big to you. There IS something good in it for him and his kids. See if you can make him see that.
And forgive me if you're way past this point and you've already tried all this! I did have a little of this with my husband and he soon learned to shut his trap for the most part. But I had to be really honest and tell him how spilling my beans to his family shook me to the core, reduced my confidence and sort of fostered an "me vs. them" feeling in me. (It just so happened that after we married, I was laid off, not hired after a thousand interviews, and really struggled in my career, so the only news he had to tell his wife and family made me feel like an even bigger loser. I had to stop the flow of information in its tracks or I was going to take a powder!)
Whether or not it was
Whether or not it was reasonable for OP to ask her husband not to tell the skids about the lake house for the time being (I don't know enough back story to even guess), the fact is that her husband did not refuse that request. OP thought they had an agreement, and her husband let her believe that was the case. He even told her periodically that he had not told them - i.e., he blatantly LIED to her face. So, IMO, she is NOT overreacting. In my mind this has stopped being about a lake house and started being all about trust. In OP's shoes, I would no longer trust my husband. He has shown himself to not be believable. Now, it may very well be that the reason he lied is because he is a coward - unwilling to keep information from his kids and BM but also unwilling to stand up to OP's request to not let them know yet. For whatever reason he did it, OP's husband is WRONG. Deception in the marriage is not acceptable.
The last thing I have to say
The last thing I have to say as the OP is this is ALL about trust and communication. My husband doesn't know communication from a hole in the ground. He told me he wouldn't say anything. Yes, eventually they would know! But why can't I enjoy our own little joy for a while before it's blasted to BM and her never ending family? I never said they couldn't use it, or whatever other assumptions you've made. It is absolutely rediculous the assumptions that have been made here over something so dumb.
This isn't even about a lake house, it's about a long history of him not having a spine to stand up to his grown kids or his ex-wife. Never having boundaries, etc. I've ate a lot of crap as a SM over the years and sat quiet. I'm tired of sitting quiet. I've had a BM that has felt like she could continue to have a say over our home because it was the first family home that she lived in for an entire 3 years. I've been there 15. I've done more for my two ungrateful SD's than my DH and BM combined. Yes, I'm angry, but it's not about a stupid lake house, that's just a small issue underneath a huge issue that's been building for years.
So for all of you naysayers go away, for the kind/supportive people on this board, thank you.
I'm so done and over this conversation.
Most of us understand, hon.
Most of us understand, hon. There are a few right fighting non-sms on this board who don't, but they refuse to back down.
((Hugs)). I'm sorry your husband is being so thick about this.
"few right fighting non-sms
"few right fighting non-sms on this board".
What does that mean? I'm a stepparent. But you are right, I don't get it, because my DH has good boundaries and doesn't tell his ex-wife or his kid things that they don't need to know.
Nor does he lie to me. And if he did either of those things repeatedly, he'd be my ex-DH.
But you are right, I don't
But you are right, I don't get it, because my DH has good boundaries and doesn't tell his ex-wife or his kid things that they don't need to know.
I'm confused by this. You've been arguing that you think OP's reaction was unreasonable, yet all she asked for was a boundary between her DH & his kids for a period of time. Which he accepted, then turned around & lied to her about.
When I found out I was pregnant I asked my DH not to tell the kids until we'd had the 12 week scan. I've already had a miscarriage, and I didn't think they needed to know until we passed that point in the pregnancy. He wanted to tell them right away, but respected my request and waited until we were BOTH ready to share our news.
How is this scenario any different? OP asked for the respect of time from her spouse, and he went behind her back and told the kids anyways. They didn't need to know right away. There was absolutely no reason they needed to know the second the papers were signed, and having him respect her request is not keeping a 'secret' from his kids. It's simply delaying the sharing of news.
You wouldn't be with your husband if he didn't respect boundaries with his kid and BM, but you've been arguing that OP is unreasonable for wanting the same with her husband. I really don't understand where you're coming from on this one whatsoever. I'm sure there are things you & your DH plan that your SS isn't aware of, not sure why OP can't have the same with her DH & SDs. Very odd.
And this is what I’m afraid
And this is what I’m afraid of come 15 years down the road for me. I’m at 5 now. I can relate and get your point 100%! You aren’t in the wrong.
I own 3 homes. One vacation,
I own 3 homes. One vacation, one lake house and one condo. Plus 3 Disney Timeshares. None of that is any of ss34’s business. After the crap he’s pulled he is not EVER welcome to even ring the doorbell bell.
SS and his GF ASSumed that anything I owned was fair game for them to use. Hell to the no. That’s what got them banned from my life.
Good for you!
Stepchildren should not have the same entitlement to a stepparent’s earnings/properties/possssions as they may have to their own biological parents. Nor should stepparents fuel the idea that they have to generously, selflessly give their own resources to a child that’s not theirs and get so much less in response.
You’re not overreacting
You wanted to enjoy something for a little bit of time without the stress of BM and stepbrats interjecting but good old blabbermouth DH in his excitement, couldn’t stop his gums from flapping and ruined it for you. I’d be ropeable too.
It is very typical in step situations- your DH couldn’t help himself as he is probably imagining the ‘good times’ with his kids at the lake house where everyone gets together and has a whale of a time, a happy picture postcard. Whereas you imagine something just for you and him to enjoy without all the extra step-bullshit that has weighed on you for years.
In my experience this is typical in stephell. The stepchildren manage to suck the joy out of something that should be fun and exciting. They only want involved if it suits their agenda- ie free holidays in your new lake house.
Your DH knew what he was doing.
How does buying a lake house just comes up ? He disrespect you, He went against what you agreed apond.
Not SK will never step a foot in the lake house! Maybe then DH will understand
Stop giving the skids and BM
Stop giving the skids and BM anymore control over you’d life, emotions, etc. The skids are older and while they may be little reporters, let em talk. But why is your hubby still accepting texts from BM? His kids are adults now, he needs to tell her NO texts or block her. If there is an emergency, one of the other kids can let him know. Be done with her. Hi on and enjoy that lakehouse. You know she’s gonna hate because haters gunna hate. Haha. But who cares! Your free!!!!
You're right
I let them all take up so much space in my head and control my emotions.
Yup, I used to do the same
Yup, I used to do the same thing. I’ll tell you what helped me get over it. Maybe you can try to put yourself in my shoes and see if it will help you. Think of a family member, but not your husband, that you are/were extremely close to and who you love with your whole heart and they love you unconditionally. Do you have anyone like this, or was there anyone like this who maybe passed away? For me, it was my grandpa. When I was going thru all the emotional shit with BM/skids years ago, my grandpa ended up in the hospital with pneumonia and died rather quickly. I then realized that instead of emotionally bonding with him the last few years, my emotions were going to Skid/BM. And then I realized that if my grandpa knew about all the problems they were giving me and how I was letting it affect me, he’d shake his head at me and tell me “how you react is 99 percent of your problems.”
So I started to disengage, they already took a few years away from me truly bonding with someone because they were constant stressing me out. I decided no more. I got 99 problems but BM and skids aren’t one. Let it go. Be a free bird. Envision all the happiness they have already taken away from you and your family and don’t give them another second. Go to your lake house and enjoy it with your real loved ones and start bonding with them again.
I was thinking the other day
I was thinking the other day how much joy I'VE ALLOWED them to steal from me. I know this but still continue to do it. They've stolen precious moments from me that I will never get back. I just cannot get over the bitterness and resentment. It's horrible and I know only I can change my reactions to them. I have just taken so much for so long that again, this post isn't even about a lake property, it's about a trust being broken and as someone else said, it's about him and his kids being an alliance and not him and I. We are on day two of not speaking over this. Again, it's not really about this issue in particular but a long history and the big picture.
I hate steplife and would never EVER do it again with no man.
I hear you
and understand that it was never about 'a lakehouse' at all. Rather the grind and layer upon layer of BM and stepkid crap that you have had to endure and put up with for years. I said to DH the other day how much OLDER I look because of all the drama and carrying on. It wears you down.
Yep, don't give then another
Yep, don't give then another second. Take YOUR life back. Your life is like a great big sandbox full of sand. They have taken some sand from you, but you still have a ton of sand left. Claim it. You'll never get the sand back that they took, but DO NOT give them anymore. Just disengage and be very very firm with boundaries. Eventually, your SO and Skids will get the message loud n clear.
Step-life does suck. I got
Step-life does suck. I got out, I simply couldn't do it. My formerSO did crap like this all the time.. the "alliance" with the 1st family was stronger...for him, but oh boy oh boy I could NOT ever do crap like that!
I will never do it again either. It's just too damn wearing.
Going forward you know that
Going forward you know that anything you say to DH will be shared with skids, who will then share it with BM. It really sucks but that is your reality. I've dealt with the same thing with DH who thought it was okay to share ALL of the details of my personal life with skids and his sister, "They're family" he'd say. Yes, HIS family who saw me as an intruder and were trying to get dirt on me.
I'd almost be tempted to sell the damn land.
I think...
...you are just wearing yourself out with the resentment that the information disemination is so lopsided.
What I would do is really give them something to talk about. I'd buy a new Burberry purse one week and let it sit out so they could see it and then return it and get Tory, rinse and repeat. Hell, buy him something really nice. I'd make plans to remodel the master, family room ...until every room is done. Let DH talk about that. Trust me, he will get tired of the backlash coming from "outside" and stop talking to them on his own.
signed Been There, Done That and got proof.
You are his wife. He should
You are his wife. He should respect your requirement on this and not be an ass. He is an ass.
If I were you, I would send a clear message. Call a real estate agent, and put it on the market. When DH flips a bitch over that... inform him that next time he should consider doing as you ask.
With the history involved it is abundently clear that DH is likely just as guilty of loose lips syndrome as his spawn are of being BM's little spies. The acorn does not fall far from the tree, as the saying goes.
This is a big deal IMHO. DH needs clarity and so do his toxic spawn and the BM. None of that toxic gene pool including DH should be tolerated to manipulate your life. Not only can he not keep his mouth shut, not only is he not being supportive, he is a liar.
There is no justification for him lying his ass off to you repeatedly. The problem with liars is they are too F-in stupid to remember their lies. Obviously DH fits this bill. He has been lying repeatedly claiming he hasn't told them then when you catch him in his bare assed lies he goes all gaslighting on you that they already know.
smh
I am angry for you.
Exactly this.
Exactly this.
I wouldn't even want the damn property anymore. It's tainted. Everytime I went I would think pf thr betrayal of the agreement.
Did you read where OP said "we" bought the land
Even if the listing agent would accept a listing with only one owner signing it (where I live they won't), there is no way she can sell it witthout him agreeing.
Once again, you have an idea that ignores what you may regard as legal nicities.
In any event, if my spouse tried to list a property we owned together, I would regard it as an immature demand for a divorce. As Tog repeatedly says, I would not tolerate repeated request for divorce without moving forward.
So it's not ok to list a
So it's not ok to list a property for sale (or fantasize about it in this case, because that hasn't actually happened), but it's totally fine to lie to your spouse?
Rags did not say fantasize about it
He recommended it. Of course you can fantasize about anything. OP has numerous posts about not wanting to continue her marriage. If that is really the way she feels she should act on it. She has apparently been in a medium to long term marriage, I would think she would get half the assets, and she could trade off some assets for all of the lake house.
I suspect the reason that her OP did not say anything when she said she did not want him talking about the lake house is she presents it as her way or the high way, and not for discussion. I agree there needs to be better communication in a marriage, but presenting one sided demands does not lead to discussion, and he regards the lake house as a vacation house that HIS kids will be invited to. I don't know if she is on the path to drawing a line in the sand that his kids will not be invited there, but she needs to work with him on communication, not unilateral commands. If my DH ever told me that I could not mention a new vacation home to my kids, even when they become adults, I would tell him to stick it.
Her way or the highway? So,
Her way or the highway? So, was I out of line then for asking my DH not to mention my pregnancy to the skids until I was ready? Since it was his news to share as well, he'd have been within his right to tell his kids when he wanted to. Am I controlling and unreasonable for wanting it to be our news alone for a while, or is it different because that was a pregnancy and this is a property?
She wasn't ready to share the news. He could have respected his wife and waited to tell the kids, but he chose to lie to her instead. You saying you'd tell your DH to 'stick it' implies that you wouldn't respect his wishes, and do what you felt was best. Bit of a pot calling the kettle black here, considering you're accusing OP of being 'her way or the highway', when that's exactly how you';ve presented yourself. Nice projection STaround.
And the OP wins!!!! What a
And the OP wins!!!! What a blessing it would be if this asshole would end this shit show of a marriage and retract to wallow in his shallow and polluted gene pool with the OP moving on to an amazing life.
I disagree that listing a property is a demand for a divorce. In this case it is a proverbial smack to the back of the head for a lying manipulative asshole.
As for legal nicities. The Blended family world is full of nearly countless examples of people who repeatedly get away with purposely violating court orders. So... I assess risk, make decisions, and take action that has a liklihood of delivering on my desired outcome. I may not always win... but so far I haven't lost. Brash confidence combined with analytical assessment of the situation being addressed backed with the best killer shark of an attorney that one can buy returns great results. Listing a property is not violating a CO or the law. If the OP's DH does not want the property sold then of course it won't sell but his reaction to seeing the sign on this property that was supposed to be the couple's sanctuary and potential buyers stomping around looking at it is an unequivocal message that he just might take note of.
With this guy, his lies and his manipulative catering to his toxic crotch droppings and their BM this is not going to be anything remotely resembling a sanctuary for the OP.
The OP asked for a delay in telling the Skids about the waterfront property. Not an unreasonable request. Not only did her hopefully STBXDH not respect her request he lied his ass off about it for weeks.
He and his toxic gene pool are a write off IMHO.
OP, you're in a great spot if
OP, you're in a great spot if you're realizing how much power you inadvertantly gave these people in your head.
Your pump is primed to take back some control and you don't need your husband or anyone else to do it -- it's all up to you and your head. I started thinking as you are...about how I was fretting about SD and her manipulations and worrying what BM thought of me and blah, blah, blah. I got really mad at myself for letting everyone else call the shots.
Then I disengaged from SD. And that worked so well, two years later, I disengaged from pretty much my entire family. AND I FEEL GREAT today because of it!!!!
It's right to get mad and to resolve to take back control. You may have lost this "flow of information" battle, but it sounds to me as if this battle has you just about ready to shift the balance of power to your favor. You can do it. The moment this bull pops in your head, SHUT IT DOWN! You are the one who controls what's in your head. When the thought of them no longer cranks you up, you've won the battle and can start strategizing for the next move! So don't be disheartened by this little battle. It's getting you where you need to be to take control.