There's a whole group of you? My story
I had no idea I wasn't the only one who was trapped in a situation that seems to have come out of nowhere.
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, living together for one. Four months ago SS11's BM had her kids taken away from her because she can't seem to pick up a vacuum and I got a frantic phone call from BF would it be okay with we took his son for a "couple of weeks".
Little did we know BM would make no attempt to get any of her 3 kids back and seems to have moved on and is living with someone else and his kids. Wow.
So now, it's been over 4 months since SS11 has been living with us, and I hate it. Though nobody seems to ask me how I'm doing with all of it, so nobody knows.
I like this kid, but I have no desire to be a 24/7 parent to anyone's child. I didn't ask for this, I didn't want this and now I feel stuck in this situation because the house we live in is mine, I'm the one who pays for everything, and while I love my BF, there's no way he can support himself and that kid on his salary alone.
I feel trapped.
BF and I have talked a lot about starting our own family and I feel like a big hypocrite here, but I feel like this is a whole different thing and while I can't explain it to "the world" I can't help the way I feel.
I don't know what to do.
The kicker here? The kid isn't even his. BM said it was when she was preggo, but later tests proved that wrong and BF made a conscious decision to take the kid on as his own anyway. Great guy, but his great decision may have ruined our relationship.
I heard SS11 say to him the other day he doesn't think I like him. I feel bad, and I'm never anything but nice to him, i just don't engage.. I don't want to. I want my old life back when I could walk around the house without a bra on and not worry. I don't want to stand in a bathroom with pee on the floor. I want my life back from 5 months ago.
That's a tough one.
That's a tough one. Unfortunately your only choice is to ask them both to leave. If you can't stand it now, it will be 10X worse in a few years. You either have to learn to accept this situation or walk away. You don't have any legal ties to this man yet, I wouldn't create ANY until you're 100% you can handle it. If you're not 100% sure, then you need to run, not walk, as fast as you can from these two. I know you feel responsible since your BF can't afford to live on his own, but it's not your responsibility. Sounds harsh, but it's true
Yup. Don't stay just because
Yup. Don't stay just because you feel bad they can't support themselves on their own. Unless your BF is disabled, there is no reason why he can't support himself and this kid. You probably feel underappreciated and I think if your BF doesn't pay for anything in the house, if he at least made you feel like you were doing him a big favor (which you are) and did things around the house as a trade off, as well as took care of this kid without relying on you, you'd be happier and wouldn't have as big of a problem with this.
Now you probably just feel taken advantage of.
Have you tried talking to him about this?
I have tried to talk to him
I have tried to talk to him about it.. he hates confrontation so he shuts down and just says things like "fine, we'll move out". I can barely get a word out before he goes the drastic route and then I get defensive. It's a disaster.
Next time he says..."Ok I'll
Next time he says..."Ok I'll move out." Reply with "When"
I keep telling him this is
I keep telling him this is going to get worse. That kid was basically abandoned by his mother, doesn't know his father isn't his father and god knows what happens when he realizes his siblings are living with their father out of town.
Due to my age, this is the last chance I'll get to have a bio baby of my own.. I never thought I wanted any until a year or so ago.. it's a lot to give up because of this crappy situation.
Damn...So sorry to hear this.
Damn...So sorry to hear this. I agree with the others, if you aren't ready for this, then you should ask them both to leave. I would have a REAL problem with the kid not being BF's. That would be an absolute deal breaker for me.
It's funny because at first,
It's funny because at first, it actually helped. I thought wow, what a guy who takes on a kid that's not his and steps up. I want to be an amazing person, too! Maybe i CAN do this!
Clearly, the answer is no.
Does this feeling ever go
Does this feeling ever go away? I guess that's what I'm wondering.. will I ever want to bond or create this life? I'd hate to regret losing a great guy because I just didn't try hard enough to adapt.. I'm so miserable now though, this isn't good, either.
Have you considered family
Have you considered family therapy? It might help him get past the defensive stage so he can hear you out at least. Otherwise this feeling your having will just get worse. I am sure it is specially hard for your to stomach that it's not even his bio son. And speaking from experience, not being heard will just build resentment.